Beginning stages of dating !

[Rinaaa]

Hello all. My very first post here so hopefully I will get some much needed feedback, sorry for the length of it! I've recently started dating a guy I met through a friend. I am very much used to being single at this point so it's a little weird seeing somebody. Well anyways, he set up our first date, it went great and I had a really good time. Two days later he texted me and we talked for a bit and he asked me out on a second date which I agreed to. We somewhat texted for a couple of days after he asked me out again, not throughout the day though, more so sporadically, and two nights before the second date he contacted me once again to finalize the details. The day before our 2nd date we had no contact and none on the day of our date until I contacted him to ask if we were still on. I've had guys cancel in the past and it always felt like a waste of make up so I wanted to be sure we were still going out before wasting my time and energy getting ready when I could've been doing something else.

 

We went out on our second date and I, once again, had a really good time and we spent a good however many hours together. He was a total gentleman both times and all in all I had a great night. At the end of the night I don't remember how or who brought up seeing each other again, but I invited him over to my place this week to watch a movie and whatnot. We didn't necessarily establish plans though and everything was more so tentative. That was last night and since then I haven't heard anything from him. I'm not worried about that, I'm assuming if he wants to get together as I had suggested he'll contact me later in the day or sometime in the next couple of days, so whatever about that.

 

I guess what I'm having difficulty with is I can't tell if he's interested in me or not. In the past, I've been used to former boyfriends attempting to talk to me and text me everyday and sometimes all day long when we first began dating. On the one hand, I'm very used to being single and I really value my independence so it's nice that he hasn't been pushy and hasn't been overly eager to speak with me on a daily basis because it's giving me the time and space I need to analyze my feelings toward him and nothing feels rushed which is precisely what I want, to take things slowly. However, since I'm used to guys acting a particular way this lack of every day contact also makes me feel like maybe he's not too particularly interested. I don't know, I guess I'll see if he ends up coming through on my invitation and contacts me to set plans in stone but does anyone have any thoughts? How often do people contact each other anyway in the very, very beginning stages of dating? Is it a bad thing if there's not too much contact? So confused and totally overanalyzing. GAH. It is almost easier to just stay single for forever lol

[dasein]

The guys blowing down your door early are more likely the lower quality ones and guys like this guy who move at a more measured pace are more likely to be good high quality prospects. Only time will tell if you are both interested in moving forward, and it won't be much time. Try to enjoy the anticipation

[sweetkiwi]

the simple answer is you can't know if he's into you yet. But the two dates are a good sign. And since the third is at your house its up to

you to make the plans. Don't over think it. Bad idea.

[todreaminblue]

Hello all. My very first post here so hopefully I will get some much needed feedback, sorry for the length of it! I've recently started dating a guy I met through a friend. I am very much used to being single at this point so it's a little weird seeing somebody. Well anyways, he set up our first date, it went great and I had a really good time. Two days later he texted me and we talked for a bit and he asked me out on a second date which I agreed to. We somewhat texted for a couple of days after he asked me out again, not throughout the day though, more so sporadically, and two nights before the second date he contacted me once again to finalize the details. The day before our 2nd date we had no contact and none on the day of our date until I contacted him to ask if we were still on. I've had guys cancel in the past and it always felt like a waste of make up so I wanted to be sure we were still going out before wasting my time and energy getting ready when I could've been doing something else.

 

We went out on our second date and I, once again, had a really good time and we spent a good however many hours together. He was a total gentleman both times and all in all I had a great night. At the end of the night I don't remember how or who brought up seeing each other again, but I invited him over to my place this week to watch a movie and whatnot. We didn't necessarily establish plans though and everything was more so tentative. That was last night and since then I haven't heard anything from him. I'm not worried about that, I'm assuming if he wants to get together as I had suggested he'll contact me later in the day or sometime in the next couple of days, so whatever about that.

 

I guess what I'm having difficulty with is I can't tell if he's interested in me or not. In the past, I've been used to former boyfriends attempting to talk to me and text me everyday and sometimes all day long when we first began dating. On the one hand, I'm very used to being single and I really value my independence so it's nice that he hasn't been pushy and hasn't been overly eager to speak with me on a daily basis because it's giving me the time and space I need to analyze my feelings toward him and nothing feels rushed which is precisely what I want, to take things slowly. However, since I'm used to guys acting a particular way this lack of every day contact also makes me feel like maybe he's not too particularly interested. I don't know, I guess I'll see if he ends up coming through on my invitation and contacts me to set plans in stone but does anyone have any thoughts? How often do people contact each other anyway in the very, very beginning stages of dating? Is it a bad thing if there's not too much contact? So confused and totally overanalyzing. GAH. It is almost easier to just stay single for forever lol

 

this is where i struggle i struggle because of mistakes i have made in the past .I have dated guys who are quite blunt and honestly I am used to guys who approach me thats the way it has been they normally show interest but it isnt necessarily the interest i want to know but it is obvious interest of a sexual nature......i try to friend zone them......i date from my friend zone...if they continue along the sexual line i fade them out sometimes i have made mistakes.....because of wanting to feel affection......and i have gone against my nature.......those have not lasted in my friend zone either even though some of them have been good guys......i have let them go.......

 

in todays dating atmosphere sex is almost a given...with me its not a given...i like a guy who wants to actually be with me without the sex coming into it...thats why i believe in friends first....i believe in marriage which is not a given today...and old fashioned....i believe in christian principles and a love that lasts forever....which doesnt fit in with today either,only in christian dating...i guess......

 

 

I have had in the past been chased frequently and dates with me and conversations always have intensity i take the blame for that....because of who i am.....i dont lead guys on but my friendliness and openess when dating could be misconstrued......especially when i actually like somebody mind body and soul.....which has been the good guys i guess....its when those good guys start asking for sex that i start to feel uncomfortable...ok i am a mess.....knowing what to do what to say these days on dates is hard.....i havent dated in years........and even when i did date those years ago they were uncomfortable and sexually related which i shouldnt have even contemplated its just not me.....i hadnt even gotten over my ex partner i was unwell and i was drinking i had a lack of emotional foresight...so i let a good guy go who i was interested in and dated some disasters.......sick.....

 

 

i dotn drink anymore so mistakes wont be made the only thing is when i a dont drink i am extremely shy around guys i like.....i am an emotional person......and i have depth that i am nto sure a guy woudl even want to know about....so i struggle and i cant approach...if i was drinking i woudlnt care......but true good guys wouldnt liek me when i drink anyway i have learnt that.....true good guys wouldnt harass me for sex......this is what i am scared of........true good guys probably find it hard to approach like i do......lol...i actually teared up here i have to smile....because for me .....i feel a bit hopeless i have to smile because if i dont....i cry ....and life wasnt meant to be sad all the time.....i will just take it one day at a time......and wait for the guy that is right for me....and for me....that guy will approach....will be active in setting up dates....and i will find my slice of happiness in enjoying time with that guy....i already do enjoy spending time with a good guy .....he just doesnt realise my feelings for him..even though i did tell him i think he thinks they just went away because he is a friend to me..and i will not remind him again as i enjoy spending tiem with him and dont want him to be uncomfortable.i wish you the best i wrote this tangent post to show you some of us struggle and it aint easy .....for us or the guys...just be honest and i wish you the best..dont hold back say what is in your heart....however much you struggle or i struggle there is someone out there who struggles more....dating cause singularity that s my belief....smilin......keep at it.....break the singularity....deb

[River Rain]

Sounds like my situation! My ex was a serial-texter (at first)...then he became my ex. But I recently met a few guys who are taking things much slower, and I started to overanalyze everything to the point where it made me crazy. I decided to just chill out and take everything one day at a time. Overanalyzing is so pointless because it causes too much insecurity. You will never know what another person is thinking until they tell you or show you. Taking it slow is a good thing!

[Rinaaa]

I definitely agree. The guys who were overly eager left me feeling like they had tricked me into dating them b/c of how rushed everything felt. They made it more than obvious that they were interested and it's like I didn't have a moment to breathe and clear my head and truly gauge my feelings because everything was happening so fast so this is a nice change of pace. I'm much more comfortable moving this slow, just not very used to it. I'm trying to chill and not overanalyze everything but it is so hard considering my work requires me to overanalyze absolutely everything! I can't exactly remember how our hanging out this week convo went and whether we actually made plans or whether they aren't set in stone; I can't recall if he said maybe or if it was definite we were hanging out. Should I hit him up a couple days before and see if we're still on? Wait for him to make a move and contact me? I just don't want to come off as needy or more so into him than he is into me. Dating is fun and sucks at the same time.

[River Rain]

I definitely agree. The guys who were overly eager left me feeling like they had tricked me into dating them b/c of how rushed everything felt. They made it more than obvious that they were interested and it's like I didn't have a moment to breathe and clear my head and truly gauge my feelings because everything was happening so fast so this is a nice change of pace. I'm much more comfortable moving this slow, just not very used to it. I'm trying to chill and not overanalyze everything but it is so hard considering my work requires me to overanalyze absolutely everything! I can't exactly remember how our hanging out this week convo went and whether we actually made plans or whether they aren't set in stone; I can't recall if he said maybe or if it was definite we were hanging out. Should I hit him up a couple days before and see if we're still on? Wait for him to make a move and contact me? I just don't want to come off as needy or more so into him than he is into me. Dating is fun and sucks at the same time.

 

Poor girl! I know, it's fun and it sucks! I still overanalyze things, and it's always to my detriment. I think it would be fine to contact him a few days in advance to finalize plans or see if you're still on, why not? It's not needy at all.

[olivec]

I definitely agree. The guys who were overly eager left me feeling like they had tricked me into dating them b/c of how rushed everything felt. They made it more than obvious that they were interested and it's like I didn't have a moment to breathe and clear my head and truly gauge my feelings because everything was happening so fast so this is a nice change of pace. I'm much more comfortable moving this slow, just not very used to it. I'm trying to chill and not overanalyze everything but it is so hard considering my work requires me to overanalyze absolutely everything! I can't exactly remember how our hanging out this week convo went and whether we actually made plans or whether they aren't set in stone; I can't recall if he said maybe or if it was definite we were hanging out. Should I hit him up a couple days before and see if we're still on? Wait for him to make a move and contact me? I just don't want to come off as needy or more so into him than he is into me. Dating is fun and sucks at the same time.

 

I'm a guy who actually wants a relationship and i feel the same way you do in the sense that you wanna meet someone who wants you for you and not a fling. I was dating this girl for about a month. I thought everything was going great until a few weeks ago. It seem like she wanted to rush this things to and i foolishly said that then she got offended. we still ended up hanging out to see a movie but the damage was done. did hear from her in like a week after our last date. and then ofcourse i got the lets be friends speech. not surprised but at the sametime really bummed about it. haven't heard from her since and i will not contact her again as i dont wanna be that desperate person. so word of advise just let things flow and dont worry about trying to not screw up because guess what you'll screw it up. take it from me i know. good luck

[Ninjainpajamas]

So you're essentially used to dating desperate men gunning for the panties and now you're dating a guy with options so now you're being confused because you think that this guy is just intentionally giving you space to think about things even though he probably never said that or expressed that you're just trying to convince yourself that there is some credible reason that you prefer this method even though you're feeling insecure about his interest level because he really hasn't displayed anything that's definitive like the douchebags? ok got it!

 

Look, the last thing you need to do is shoot him a message after you've made essentially the sex offer of coming over to your place to "watch a movie" because we all know how much everyone loves movies on a 3rd date!

 

The guy is either not that interested or someone who has options, which eliminates any need to be over zealous in this situation and show any immediate and strong interest.

 

From the sound of it I don't think he's that interested in you and maybe he has other options, especially in not responding to the invite of coming over to your place. However If he's the other then you've already laid your cards on the table and this "challenge" is pretty much over, you've already gave him the green light to come over to your place and it's not like he was really trying before so didn't take that much work to get to this point, this may have turned him off or just impacted him neutrally and considering you among other options, especially if his interest level is so so.

 

He doesn't sound interested in you because he really hasn't made an effort to get to you know besides going on your dates, doesn't seem like a lot of enthusiasm or desire to keep in touch...either a man is interested and makes the effort or he's not that interested and does not....there's no such thing as a guy that is super interested but doesn't make effort and appear to show how interested he is in some way...women are just accustomed to being with men who are so-so, semi-interested in dating them...sorry.

 

You're over-analyzing and he's probably just kicking back having a beer, he's got a date in his head and until then it's just do whatever else you gotta do until then...any guy that is half-capable can perform well on a date while he's in the moment and has a new woman he hasn't slept with in front of him...sure guys can show all the interest in the world..but when he doesn't seem that much more interested in getting to know who you really are and going out of his way and ordinary to talk to you...because you know what, if he was really interested he'd be over-analyzing and acting maybe even feeling like a fool too...but he's not, it just seems like he's going about it in a nonchalant way.

 

When a man sees/dates a woman he is REALLY interested in, you think he leaves things up to chance?

 

Learn the hard way, if you contact him and he contacts you back, then if he's not a fool then he surely knows he has this in the bag, and there's very little reason to put much effort into it than he already has, it's just a matter of convenience at that point...all your cards are on the table, especially inviting him over to your place.

 

So you're basically just hoping that this guy is secretly really into...well, good luck with that. If he was interested in you, he will contact you, the longer he waits, the lower on the totem pole you stand, unless he's a complete idiot and doesn't know when a girl is interested in him...which I highly doubt after an invite to your place, so I wouldn't bet more than a few dollars on that myself.

[Rinaaa]

So you're essentially used to dating desperate men gunning for the panties and now you're dating a guy with options so now you're being confused because you think that this guy is just intentionally giving you space to think about things even though he probably never said that or expressed that you're just trying to convince yourself that there is some credible reason that you prefer this method even though you're feeling insecure about his interest level because he really hasn't displayed anything that's definitive like the douchebags? ok got it!

 

Look, the last thing you need to do is shoot him a message after you've made essentially the sex offer of coming over to your place to "watch a movie" because we all know how much everyone loves movies on a 3rd date!

 

The guy is either not that interested or someone who has options, which eliminates any need to be over zealous in this situation and show any immediate and strong interest.

 

From the sound of it I don't think he's that interested in you and maybe he has other options, especially in not responding to the invite of coming over to your place. However If he's the other then you've already laid your cards on the table and this "challenge" is pretty much over, you've already gave him the green light to come over to your place and it's not like he was really trying before so didn't take that much work to get to this point, this may have turned him off or just impacted him neutrally and considering you among other options, especially if his interest level is so so.

 

He doesn't sound interested in you because he really hasn't made an effort to get to you know besides going on your dates, doesn't seem like a lot of enthusiasm or desire to keep in touch...either a man is interested and makes the effort or he's not that interested and does not....there's no such thing as a guy that is super interested but doesn't make effort and appear to show how interested he is in some way...women are just accustomed to being with men who are so-so, semi-interested in dating them...sorry.

 

You're over-analyzing and he's probably just kicking back having a beer, he's got a date in his head and until then it's just do whatever else you gotta do until then...any guy that is half-capable can perform well on a date while he's in the moment and has a new woman he hasn't slept with in front of him...sure guys can show all the interest in the world..but when he doesn't seem that much more interested in getting to know who you really are and going out of his way and ordinary to talk to you...because you know what, if he was really interested he'd be over-analyzing and acting maybe even feeling like a fool too...but he's not, it just seems like he's going about it in a nonchalant way.

 

When a man sees/dates a woman he is REALLY interested in, you think he leaves things up to chance?

 

Learn the hard way, if you contact him and he contacts you back, then if he's not a fool then he surely knows he has this in the bag, and there's very little reason to put much effort into it than he already has, it's just a matter of convenience at that point...all your cards are on the table, especially inviting him over to your place.

 

So you're basically just hoping that this guy is secretly really into...well, good luck with that. If he was interested in you, he will contact you, the longer he waits, the lower on the totem pole you stand, unless he's a complete idiot and doesn't know when a girl is interested in him...which I highly doubt after an invite to your place, so I wouldn't bet more than a few dollars on that myself.

 

Absolutely everything you said contradicts itself. According to you I'm used to dating desperate men because they made it clear from the get go they had an interest, but then you went on to say that if a man is REALLY interested he doesn't leave things up to chance. That makes no sense. If you don't bombard the girl and make an effort to interact every single day, then you're not all that interested and have multiple options. But if you do, you're desperate. That's a catch 22. Plus, if you're going on regular dates isn't that how you get to know someone? This may not ring true for absolutely everyone, but I'm sure there are people in the world who prefer face to face contact as opposed to dating over the phone. And my motives for inviting him over were not to sleep with him. I wanted to hang out and get to know him better. I'm guessing that may be what he's thinking too, but then he's in for a surprise, if that's the case. I think you make some good points, however, and I've decided to hold off on contacting him until he contacts me. If our conversation leads to our plans, I'll confirm. Otherwise, I'll just let it be. However, I do think it's too early to be thinking ahead into the future. We barely know each other and have been on 2 dates, that's not potential for anything other than seeing each other again, in my opinion. It is just so weird because if people come on too strong in the beginning it's a red flag and sometimes a turn-off, but if people don't come on strong enough we assume they're not that interested and move on. Everything is such a catch 22.

[Rinaaa]

Not to mention, reading through posts on here there are like 20 million guys who consistently ask how often they should contact girls they've just begun dating; whether they should contact her every day or whether they should wait a couple days in between so as not to seem too desperate or eager. In response, the answers from responders vary across the board. You may be right, perhaps he's not all that into me at all, who knows?! Only time will tell. But, not every guy is the same just like not every woman is the same and different people approach dating differently. Just a thought for ya!

[Ninjainpajamas]

Absolutely everything you said contradicts itself. According to you I'm used to dating desperate men because they made it clear from the get go they had an interest, but then you went on to say that if a man is REALLY interested he doesn't leave things up to chance. That makes no sense. If you don't bombard the girl and make an effort to interact every single day, then you're not all that interested and have multiple options. But if you do, you're desperate. That's a catch 22. Plus, if you're going on regular dates isn't that how you get to know someone? This may not ring true for absolutely everyone, but I'm sure there are people in the world who prefer face to face contact as opposed to dating over the phone. And my motives for inviting him over were not to sleep with him. I wanted to hang out and get to know him better. I'm guessing that may be what he's thinking too, but then he's in for a surprise, if that's the case. I think you make some good points, however, and I've decided to hold off on contacting him until he contacts me. If our conversation leads to our plans, I'll confirm. Otherwise, I'll just let it be. However, I do think it's too early to be thinking ahead into the future. We barely know each other and have been on 2 dates, that's not potential for anything other than seeing each other again, in my opinion. It is just so weird because if people come on too strong in the beginning it's a red flag and sometimes a turn-off, but if people don't come on strong enough we assume they're not that interested and move on. Everything is such a catch 22.

 

It doesn't contradict itself, you just simply don't get it.

 

Everything is said in a certain context and perspective....

 

- Just because a guy doesn't act desperate doesn't mean he can't act interested

 

- Just because a guy isn't that interested, doesn't mean he'll continue to contact you especially having invested time and money into you

 

- Just because a guy isn't that interested, doesn't mean he'll come over and "watch movies" with you

 

- Just because you act really interested in one person doesn't mean the other person will respond in the same manner

 

- Just because some guys that post on the forums who struggle with dating doesn't meant the guys who don't are posting on here and you should assume they would...you know who post on forums? people mainly having some kind of difficult.

 

- Just because men are different in some ways, doesn't mean they not the same in others...especially psychologically, and no your guy is not the "exception" if you ever believe so

 

At the end of the day you have to determine the actions of the man that is in front of you, not talk yourself out of reason and make up all these other possibilities and excuses as to why he is acting this way. I'm a man, been on a looong time, known a lot of men in my life, but go ahead and listen to yourself and your girlfriends because you know better than I do right?

 

Not saying I'm 100 percent right all of the time, but I know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and I know what men are thinking and feeling by their actions, because it's their actions that speak louder than words and interpreting the in-between...and that is something women do not and will likely not ever understand.

 

And all this because he hasn't contacted you yet, in which I'm sure in a few days he may, and then you'll be jumping for joy as if none of his actions meant nothing up to this point and feel like you completely over-reacted, dismissing everything, until the next episode of course...when in actuality, what he is doing and showing you now very much counts. So I'm trying to tell you, what matters right now and what does reflect on his possible motive, attitude and intentions...It's up to YOU to clear that up and figure it out.

 

But no, don't learn a little bit, stay confused, everything is just a big mystery! better that way right? who knows!...only time will tell right?

 

I swear...if I had a dime for every time..

[Rinaaa]

It doesn't contradict itself, you just simply don't get it.

 

Everything is said in a certain context and perspective....

 

- Just because a guy doesn't act desperate doesn't mean he can't act interested

 

- Just because a guy isn't that interested, doesn't mean he'll continue to contact you especially having invested time and money into you

 

- Just because a guy isn't that interested, doesn't mean he'll come over and "watch movies" with you

 

- Just because you act really interested in one person doesn't mean the other person will respond in the same manner

 

- Just because some guys that post on the forums who struggle with dating doesn't meant the guys who don't are posting on here and you should assume they would...you know who post on forums? people mainly having some kind of difficult.

 

- Just because men are different in some ways, doesn't mean they not the same in others...especially psychologically, and no your guy is not the "exception" if you ever believe so

 

At the end of the day you have to determine the actions of the man that is in front of you, not talk yourself out of reason and make up all these other possibilities and excuses as to why he is acting this way. I'm a man, been on a looong time, known a lot of men in my life, but go ahead and listen to yourself and your girlfriends because you know better than I do right?

 

Not saying I'm 100 percent right all of the time, but I know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and I know what men are thinking and feeling by their actions, because it's their actions that speak louder than words and interpreting the in-between...and that is something women do not and will likely not ever understand.

 

And all this because he hasn't contacted you yet, in which I'm sure in a few days he may, and then you'll be jumping for joy as if none of his actions meant nothing up to this point and feel like you completely over-reacted, dismissing everything, until the next episode of course...when in actuality, what he is doing and showing you now very much counts. So I'm trying to tell you, what matters right now and what does reflect on his possible motive, attitude and intentions...It's up to YOU to clear that up and figure it out.

 

But no, don't learn a little bit, stay confused, everything is just a big mystery! better that way right? who knows!...only time will tell right?

 

I swear...if I had a dime for every time..

 

I'm not disagreeing with you, I'm just pointing out that we are all human beings with complex emotions and personalities and we cannot all be fit into a perfect and predictable box. I know women better than you will ever hope to know women and while some of us are similar in some ways, others of us are completely different and approach situations very differently. I can't sit here and tell you that every woman who is acting a particular way is interested/not interested in you unless I know her personally. Furthermore, it isn't just men who should be judged by their actions, I think everyone's actions speak louder than words. But anyways, perhaps you're right and he isn't that into me. I don't know! I've known him for two weeks; all I know is that he's been a gentleman and he's treated me well. If things work out, cool. If they don't, I've been single long enough to know that I'm fine on my own and I'm sure someone will eventually come along. No worries. My past relationship felt a little rushed and I'm more into taking things slowly nowadays so it hasn't been a problem that we don't talk every single day but it's almost made me feel like he's not particularly interested. I'm not making excuses, or seeing him as an exception. Was I not the one who said I'M THINKING HE'S NOT INTERESTED? Making excuses would be, well even though he doesn't do this and that, he does this and this, so he's OBVIOUSLY INTO ME. Yeah, didn't go like that. At the end of the day, I have no emotional investment in him. I get excited if I'm dating someone new and if it doesn't work out I get over it which is what will happen in this situation. I've learned the hard way and nowadays I have no problem walking away from someone who doesn't meet my standards. I asked a simple question: HOW MUCH CONTACT DO PEOPLE TYPICALLY HAVE IN THE BEGINNING STAGES OF DATING because I OBVIOUSLY have no clue what's normal and what's not normal IN GENERAL. jeez.