Over the ex, now just dealing with the small matter of not trusting relationships

[Jamesblame]

I got involved in a heavily abusive relationship with a woman where cheating was involved.

 

It was my first "adult" relationship and relatively serious. While over the girl, I do have a hard time accepting that I put 100% into the relationship and she took advantage of me.

 

Now my life is in a much better spot, I have a great new job, work out regularly and have a strong circle of friends and activities. I think I'm ready to start dating again, but I find myself with a strong hesitation to getting into another long term relationship.

 

I feel that the sex will go bad, the nice, friendly person I'm dating will turn to a shrew, and that I can't fully trust her from cheating.

 

 

This is obviously unhealthy and a clear indicator that I'm not ready for another relationship, but I'd like some advice from people who had to get over that type of thing.

[PYTpisces]

Glad you're out of that and doing better! In my experience there is no "right" time to get back to dating if you feel you're over your ex. Being open-minded is important, also keeping in mind that not everyone you date will necessarily be a long-term partner. Sometimes the fear of being hurt incubates the longer you wait and the more you keep telling yourself you're not ready. Sometimes mere thoughts like "I want a good partner, a healthy relationship and true companionship" is a good start. If you're familiar with your dating patterns, as well the types of partners you've had before that perhaps lead to unhealthy relationships, you may use it to your advantage. For example, I know that I'm attracted to unavailable partners. Everytime I started feeling attraction for someone, I've trained myself to know that what I'm actually attracted to is their unavailability. It felt familiar, and even though I hoped and willed a different results each time, I still ended up in a sh*tty relationship. Idk if this helps or if i went completely off into the blue! Good luck!

[Jamesblame]

Glad you're out of that and doing better! In my experience there is no "right" time to get back to dating if you feel you're over your ex. Being open-minded is important, also keeping in mind that not everyone you date will necessarily be a long-term partner. Sometimes the fear of being hurt incubates the longer you wait and the more you keep telling yourself you're not ready. Sometimes mere thoughts like "I want a good partner, a healthy relationship and true companionship" is a good start. If you're familiar with your dating patterns, as well the types of partners you've had before that perhaps lead to unhealthy relationships, you may use it to your advantage. For example, I know that I'm attracted to unavailable partners. Everytime I started feeling attraction for someone, I've trained myself to know that what I'm actually attracted to is their unavailability. It felt familiar, and even though I hoped and willed a different results each time, I still ended up in a sh*tty relationship. Idk if this helps or if i went completely off into the blue! Good luck!

 

Thanks for the input. I've been single for a while and i definitely see a need to change some of those poor relationship choices you mentioned. I get really comfortable with behaviors that don't make me happy at all. I should try your trick of deciphering what's drawing me in. Maybe that will change things around next time.

 

Hmmm....perhaps I'll pay someone to vet potential partners. The election is closing, I'm sure some political strategist will be available for hire.

[Exit]

I know how you feel. Mostly over my ex, but it's been made clearer to me than ever how much love can be a trick and a lie and cause more pain than it's worth, so I'm hesitant about any relationships now too. I think the main thing is just to wait. Don't get back to dating just because you feel like you should. Just let life happen and maybe you'll meet someone randomly some day.

 

You got some great advice above about adjusting your dating strategy and your standards. I can totally relate to what you said about choosing to overlook or get comfortable with stuff you don't agree with. I have many times chosen to accept flaws in someone just because I was eager to no longer be single. It never works out in the end. I have let some real pieces of garbage into my life, people with nothing going for them other than being attractive and being interested in dating me. Raise the bar. If you see red flags, don't ignore them.

 

Also, make sure to actually just date someone for a while. Dating seems like a dying art. People meet and then suddenly they're girl and boyfriend. The longer you date, the longer you get to know someone, and bit by bit the risk factor should go down, and hopefully you can find out if someone is a liar or a flake long before you engage in a committed relationship.