GreenPeas Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 I found out a couple of weeks ago that my husband had a one night affair with a close friend of his. We were in the middle of a move and I left early to get the new place in order. My husband admits this was a huge mistake and cut ties with the OW before I even found out about the affair. The OW is married and this is her third affair since they got married. Her husband is very suspicious of her feelings for my husband. They have three children together. My husband is very close with the family. If this got out, I'm pretty sure that it would end that relationship. OW doesn't want her husband to find out because they have a pre-nup and she'd stand to lose a lot-including custody of her children. I'm considering sending an annonymous letter through a remailing service to tell the husband. I don't care what the consequences are for my husband. At this point he's over 1,000 miles from these friends, so I expect the worst thing to happen is they all stop being friends and they are entirely out of my husband's life. I would like thoughts or advice on this please. Thanks.
Owl Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Skip anonymous letters...sign that sucker! Tell him who you are, what you know, how you know it, and point blank how you feel about it. If you're anonymous, he might not believe it or his wife might be able to spin it to look like it's a joke. If you're honest about who you are and what's happened, he's far more likely to take it seriously and take whatever action he feels is needed. 12
pteromom Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 I guess you need to think about WHY you want to do this. If it is out of a need for revenge, I would not do it and just walk away. If it is because your conscience is bothering you because you would want to know if you were the husband, you have more of a case for doing it. Imagine how you will feel a week from now if you told him today. Now imagine if you didn't tell him. Now think about a month from now. Now think about a year from now. Now think about 20 years from now. Which one feels "right" to you? Go with that one. 2
Author GreenPeas Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 I don't want to do this for revenge. I want to do this because I feel the husband should know. If he were in my shoes, I would hope he would tell me. Anonymous or not, I would question my husband, and make a decision about my marriage based on if I felt he was telling me the truth or not. 5
Artie Lang Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 i wish people would stop calling it "revenge." the OBS deserves to know the truth! if these people would keep their pants on it wouldn't be an issue. you play, you pay! 9
2sure Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 First, dont do it anonymously - you have nothing to hide and nothing to fear. Your telling her husband is the decent thing to do and if there are consequences for her , they are her own doing. She was unconcerned about the prenup prior to cheating with your husband, why the change of heart now? Besides - if someone goes to the trouble of discussing infidelity in a prenup (which can be impossible to prove enough for a court) and then finds out the spouse has cheated three times...and does nothing? Nope, doesnt make sense. Im sure she has a great reason for her H not to know but it probably isnt that. Beware when your WS tells you that you cannot tell the OWs BS about the infidelity - it could mean he has a good reason himself. As to the revenge theory - Infidelity is not a crime but let me use this example: If someone is the victim of a crime and reports it, they may be glad when the perp is caught - does mean they are vengeful? 10
nofool4u Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 I'm considering sending an annonymous letter through a remailing service to tell the husband. I don't care what the consequences are for my husband. At this point he's over 1,000 miles from these friends, so I expect the worst thing to happen is they all stop being friends and they are entirely out of my husband's life. And that isn't even the worst that could happen because ceasing to be friends with them SHOULD happen. He can never be friends with that woman ever again. Yes, send the letter. Anonymously might not have the teeth to make him believe it, but at least someone attempted to tell him what kind of adulteress he is married to. 2
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 If this got out, I'm pretty sure that it would end that relationship. OW doesn't want her husband to find out because they have a pre-nup and she'd stand to lose a lot-including custody of her children. Yet she's had 3 affairs on her husband.... She's so selfish and will do as she pleases until she's caught or busted by her husband. Obviously worrying about this stuff isn't in her mind when she's choosing to have an affair. If anybody is going to tell her husband the truth, it might be better if your husband tells him..this way he's owning his part in the affair and can apologize to the guy, then exit his life forever. Obviously any friendship that was there before was gone the moment your H cheated with his wife.. That OW has nine lives and it seems her husband is starting to get suspicious of her. About time.
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I don't want to do this for revenge. I want to do this because I feel the husband should know. If he were in my shoes, I would hope he would tell me. Anonymous or not, I would question my husband, and make a decision about my marriage based on if I felt he was telling me the truth or not. Then together you and your husband tell her husband the truth. Don't be anonymous.
firstandlast Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Yet she's had 3 affairs on her husband.... She's so selfish and will do as she pleases until she's caught or busted by her husband. Obviously worrying about this stuff isn't in her mind when she's choosing to have an affair. If anybody is going to tell her husband the truth, it might be better if your husband tells him..this way he's owning his part in the affair and can apologize to the guy, then exit his life forever. Obviously any friendship that was there before was gone the moment your H cheated with his wife.. That OW has nine lives and it seems her husband is starting to get suspicious of her. About time. Wow, this is awfully familiar. My xMW is on her third affair in two years of marriage! I, too, am tempted to tell her husband, but at this point it would be purely for revenge. I kind of feel sorry for the guy (and guilty for my part in hurting their marriage).
Artie Lang Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 My xMW is on her third affair in two years of marriage! yet you still feel "special" to her and are still pining for her. she's not the only one with issues, my friend. 2
Solcita2 Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I'd like to be told if that was the case. But you have to sign it. Or better, call him so he can ask you everything you know. Let that window open. If you write a letter and you don't sign it, he can think it's a prank or something... How did you find out about your husband? Are you sure he stopped being friends with her because of the affair or because of the distance. This will come back to you if you ever live close again...
ComingInHot Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 The OW told me she had an A w/my husband after it ended. Absolutely it was for Revenge and being dumped & lied to. Gut I sincerely thanked her and got down to business w/my husband. He should have told me but I still feel better knowing that during their A I wasn't crazy, out of my mind and foolish for thinking something was wrong... Tell him, sign your name. He will be hurt but finally now he isn't Crazy!! Oh & I would be honest & upfront w/your husband Before you do it yet DON'T let him talk you out of it!!! Oh hhh poor hubby can't be friends w/them anymore? He is ALREADY an Enemy of their marriage. Who'd want that?! 3
underwater2010 Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Why send an anonomous email/snail mail? I would call him up and tell him. I believe the BS should always be told. If they don't want to deal with the consequences, then don't have an affair. 1
mercy Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 The OW told me she had an A w/my husband after it ended. Absolutely it was for Revenge and being dumped & lied to. Gut I sincerely thanked her and got down to business w/my husband. He should have told me but I still feel better knowing that during their A I wasn't crazy, out of my mind and foolish for thinking something was wrong... Tell him, sign your name. He will be hurt but finally now he isn't Crazy!! Oh & I would be honest & upfront w/your husband Before you do it yet DON'T let him talk you out of it!!! Oh hhh poor hubby can't be friends w/them anymore? He is ALREADY an Enemy of their marriage. Who'd want that?! ^^Isn't that the truth! Yes, he should be told. I was told in a very cruel way by the OW. Would I have liked to have been told in a kinder way, sure, but truth is truth and lies keep a person stuck. He's living a lie and that just isn't right. 4
flower blossom Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Why are you still calling her a friend no decent friend would do that. Tell her husband and tell him who you are. And if you want revenge or not she deserves everything she gets she obviously didn't care about you and if you husband don't like what your doing tell him were to go!!! Xxxx 2
Heather1 Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 You should tell him & say who you are & let him know his w has hurt your family. That'll cut off any contact they may still have for good.
rubberduck Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 I think the fact that they had a pre-nup says it all! I don't know ANY solid relationships that need a pre-nup. Call him and let it out. 1
j'adore Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Someone sent an anonymous letter with my name in it to the BS giving specific details of our affair. He came to my house immediately afterwards with it. She asked MM if it were true and he said no. and she then forgot about it and went to work!!! She never even checked it out She said she thought it was ridiculous????. Well when i asked her months later, she still didn't believe me apparently DOH
BetrayedH Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 The other betrayed spouse deserves to know. It's as simple as that. Uou shoumd know that plenty of wayward spouses manage to explain you away as a crazy stalker. Therefore, you need to present the other betrayed spouse with as much evidence as possible. This means you can't be anonymous. By the way, I have a hard time believing any wayward spouse that says they only had sex once. Never turns out to be true but it sure is common. And it's very common for the betrayed spouse to accept it. It is very common to want to reconcile and thus very common for us to believe continued lies after Dday. We want to know the worst of it so we can come to grips with it. We accept their "truth" so we can start to process. Big mistake. Just be careful how much you believe. The other betrayed spouse may end up being a resource for you. 1
Darth Vader Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 I don't want to do this for revenge. I want to do this because I feel the husband should know. If he were in my shoes, I would hope he would tell me. Anonymous or not, I would question my husband, and make a decision about my marriage based on if I felt he was telling me the truth or not. Just do it! Do you have access to his E-mail, or Facebook accounts? Why not just call him up and tell him (even better!) The OW needs to learn a lesson and face real consequences for her actions, just like your husband! 1
Darth Vader Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 I found out a couple of weeks ago that my husband had a one night affair with a close friend of his. We were in the middle of a move and I left early to get the new place in order. My husband admits this was a huge mistake and cut ties with the OW before I even found out about the affair. The OW is married and this is her third affair since they got married. Her husband is very suspicious of her feelings for my husband. They have three children together. My husband is very close with the family. If this got out, I'm pretty sure that it would end that relationship. OW doesn't want her husband to find out because they have a pre-nup and she'd stand to lose a lot-including custody of her children. I'm considering sending an annonymous letter through a remailing service to tell the husband. I don't care what the consequences are for my husband. At this point he's over 1,000 miles from these friends, so I expect the worst thing to happen is they all stop being friends and they are entirely out of my husband's life. I would like thoughts or advice on this please. Thanks. I want you to read the bolded part 10 times! Do you see, the OW doesn't love her husband, but, she want's to screw around on her husband and not pay the consequences of her actions, set her husband free! He deserves better! You deserve better! 1
Steen719 Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Just do it! Do you have access to his E-mail, or Facebook accounts? Why not just call him up and tell him (even better!) The OW needs to learn a lesson and face real consequences for her actions, just like your husband! You do not have to be friends on facebook. I sent the OW a message. It allowed me to say all I wanted to without being so upset I couldn't (on phone).
Darth Vader Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 You do not have to be friends on facebook. I sent the OW a message. It allowed me to say all I wanted to without being so upset I couldn't (on phone). That's right, you can do that as well! I'm forgetting soooo much in my old age! 1
Steen719 Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 That's right, you can do that as well! I'm forgetting soooo much in my old age! Oh no you don't. I am old, too! 1
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