paradigm shift Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 When does that return? The feeling of I wasn't good enough etc etc. it's overwhelming some days. Logically I know that he ]should] have had love and respect for me as I am but sh* t. Sometimes I feel not good enough because he couldn't love me anymore. Not looking for esteem boosters or affirmation of how great I am lol, but more to hear how anyone feeling like this dealt with it?
K Os Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Logically I know that he ]should] have had love and respect for me as I am but sh* t. Not just logically - in all sorts of other ways too. Sometimes I feel not good enough because he couldn't love me anymore. Nope. That's on him. Love is a verb. You didn't fail. Not looking for esteem boosters or affirmation of how great I am lol, but more to hear how anyone feeling like this dealt with it? This has been tough for me to deal with too. I don't know why either, it shouldn't be. I'm pretty great ) First of all, I've seen a lot more of my family (parents, brother and sister, nieces and nephews) and they all help me realise I'm still me, I haven't changed and I'm a cool uncle and a great dad Secondly, I've really focused on doing my work well, paying closer attention to people and trying never to be distant from them in any day-to-day situations. And last (and by no means least) I've started doing voluntary work again, helping refugees - people who've been through experiences I can't even imagine, and who really do need help. It might seem very simple and almost a cliche, but taking time to help others in worse situations than yours really does help you pick up your own self-worth. Hope this helps. Chin up
River Rain Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 I felt that low self-esteem too, for weeks after it was over. I over-analyzed the entire relationship from top to bottom, trying to figure out what I did wrong and why I was so unlovable. I had him up on such a high pedestal that I couldn't see that he played a huge role in things falling apart. Once I started to write down a list of the reasons why we should never be together again, then I started to shift my thinking and realize there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I didn't fail, and it's not because I wasn't good enough. It's just that "we" didn't work together. It's never one-sided. You have to remind yourself that your self-esteem is all about how you view yourself, so if you continually tell yourself that you weren't good enough, of course you'll believe it. You have to try to make a conscious effort to keep telling yourself that you are good enough but that maybe he wasn't good enough for you. 1
january2011 Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 The main thing I did was to boost my happiness and confidence levels so that I distanced myself from using my ex as a frame of reference for my emotions and behaviour. I changed my diet, level of activity, social circle, learned new things, re-discovered old interests and found some new ones, made new memories, started a gratitude journal and celebrated my successes - no matter how small. Once you realise that your ex's measure of "good enough" is not the sole measure or the most important, you will feel better. When you break up with someone and you're feeling lost, it's very easy to fall into the trap of focusing too intently on yourself. Making your world bigger puts the breakup into perspective and diminishes its impact on your life going forward. You'll find your place in the world again and realise that you are good enough. 2
GuyInLimbo Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 I speak as an expert...because I think I've suffered from it most of my life. But, I think one of the keys is to start doing more of what you enjoy. Like playing an instrument, taking classes, spending time with those that DO care about you (friends), or taking on some new challenge. Perhaps doing something you were always afraid of doing (skydiving, driving a race car, traveling alone) and just doing it would also boost your confidence. Just always remember that no one else can tell you how to feel about yourself (well,l unless it's good, guess). And tell yourself it was HIS loss, not yours. 1
riverratt Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 I felt that low self-esteem too, for weeks after it was over. I over-analyzed the entire relationship from top to bottom, trying to figure out what I did wrong and why I was so unlovable. I had him up on such a high pedestal that I couldn't see that he played a huge role in things falling apart. Once I started to write down a list of the reasons why we should never be together again, then I started to shift my thinking and realize there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I didn't fail, and it's not because I wasn't good enough. It's just that "we" didn't work together. It's never one-sided. You have to remind yourself that your self-esteem is all about how you view yourself, so if you continually tell yourself that you weren't good enough, of course you'll believe it. You have to try to make a conscious effort to keep telling yourself that you are good enough but that maybe he wasn't good enough for you. Can't be said any better
2.50 a gallon Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Mine came back pretty quickly, I was down in the black hole of despair of nothingness, when the pretty face of an associate OM asked me if I wanted to come out an play. Hell Yah! The power of a pretty face.
Cedarman Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 I too am searching for ways to re-build self-esteem. It's a harsh blow to your ego when your spouse cheats. I have always been a pretty confident guy, but I am feeling pretty low right now. And the prospect of being alone and re-entering the dating scene (after 25 years of marriage) scares the hell out of me. Maybe in a year.... What works for me (temporarily) is doing something you love and are good at. For me, it's golf or some other sport. Golf has been great because you're out with friends and you're concentrating on the game instead of thinking about your problems. Any other activity that you are passionate about would work too. Something you love and do well. I also cycle a lot - indoors now because of the weather - but have a resistance trainer that I put my road bike on. I can easily cycle for an hour, hour and a half when I get up (really early these days). I have the news on, or something in the background, but I really get into a rhythm with the pedalling and the breathing and the heart rate - so it's almost like a meditative, trance-like state. After an hour, I feel really good - I try to pedal hard enough that there is a pool of sweat under the bike. Then I know I have already accomplished something even before the day begins. The exercise high lasts for the whole morning. Also - this might sound corny but I printed out one page with positive messages on it that I put on my dresser. Also printed it out for my kids. When I am really stressed I just look at it and try to calm down. ("Take a deep breath" "Stay strong" "Today is a great day".... etc) Sounds dumb but it works for me. It's not really a self-esteem thing, but gives me a boost.
Author paradigm shift Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 That doesn't sound cheesy at all... Also exorcising the demons by exercising as well
Gunny376 Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 I too am searching for ways to re-build self-esteem. It's a harsh blow to your ego when your spouse cheats. I have always been a pretty confident guy, but I am feeling pretty low right now. And the prospect of being alone and re-entering the dating scene (after 25 years of marriage) scares the hell out of me. Maybe in a year.... What works for me (temporarily) is doing something you love and are good at. For me, it's golf or some other sport. Golf has been great because you're out with friends and you're concentrating on the game instead of thinking about your problems. Any other activity that you are passionate about would work too. Something you love and do well. I also cycle a lot - indoors now because of the weather - but have a resistance trainer that I put my road bike on. I can easily cycle for an hour, hour and a half when I get up (really early these days). I have the news on, or something in the background, but I really get into a rhythm with the pedalling and the breathing and the heart rate - so it's almost like a meditative, trance-like state. After an hour, I feel really good - I try to pedal hard enough that there is a pool of sweat under the bike. Then I know I have already accomplished something even before the day begins. The exercise high lasts for the whole morning. Also - this might sound corny but I printed out one page with positive messages on it that I put on my dresser. Also printed it out for my kids. When I am really stressed I just look at it and try to calm down. ("Take a deep breath" "Stay strong" "Today is a great day".... etc) Sounds dumb but it works for me. It's not really a self-esteem thing, but gives me a boost. Not at all all? You're "re-booting" We can't wait for Cedarman v2.0
Steen719 Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 I too am searching for ways to re-build self-esteem. It's a harsh blow to your ego when your spouse cheats. I have always been a pretty confident guy, but I am feeling pretty low right now. And the prospect of being alone and re-entering the dating scene (after 25 years of marriage) scares the hell out of me. Maybe in a year.... What works for me (temporarily) is doing something you love and are good at. For me, it's golf or some other sport. Golf has been great because you're out with friends and you're concentrating on the game instead of thinking about your problems. Any other activity that you are passionate about would work too. Something you love and do well. I also cycle a lot - indoors now because of the weather - but have a resistance trainer that I put my road bike on. I can easily cycle for an hour, hour and a half when I get up (really early these days). I have the news on, or something in the background, but I really get into a rhythm with the pedalling and the breathing and the heart rate - so it's almost like a meditative, trance-like state. After an hour, I feel really good - I try to pedal hard enough that there is a pool of sweat under the bike. Then I know I have already accomplished something even before the day begins. The exercise high lasts for the whole morning. Also - this might sound corny but I printed out one page with positive messages on it that I put on my dresser. Also printed it out for my kids. When I am really stressed I just look at it and try to calm down. ("Take a deep breath" "Stay strong" "Today is a great day".... etc) Sounds dumb but it works for me. It's not really a self-esteem thing, but gives me a boost. The divorce support group I went to suggested writing down things about ourselves that we liked. As I think of it, I think they were following the book we used and it suggested that. Anyway, I did that. I had some success with about 5 or 6 and one of the ladies in the class came up with 26. (She was also striking, young and Italian, so I might have had 26 if I had looked like her) I put mine on my mirror for a while and it made me smile. Then I found a sign - just a small one - that says "Behind Every Great Woman is Herself" and I put it up and I smile when I see it. I say if it makes you feel better, good enough.
ladyabstrused Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Most of the posters in this thread have very good points. I too suffered from the same thing in my previous relationship. Pretty much for the last 3 to 4 years I constantly felt this way very strongly, and throughout my life, I never felt any good myself, and to make matters worse, my ex validated it and encouraged me to change to suit his needs. When I spoke to my therapist about it, she told me to do a simple exercise. Which is to look at myself in the mirror every day, before starting the day, anytime during it and before going to bed - to tell myself that I'm good enough, that I'm beautiful in my own way and that I'm worthy in this world. Now, I thought that was bull**** because I wasn't entirely believing it. But a friend of mine always made sure I'd do it and made sure that I do it because I believe in it. She said that it's okay if it's just once a day, but do it wholeheartedly. I don't know if that was what that helped me build up my self-esteem but I do surely feel much of a better person now. Also, like what some other posters here said, you gotta do things that you love doing and that will make you feel better. Things that boost your confidence. It can be anything from volunteer work, contributing to the community, spending time doing your own hobbies or whatever suits you. Wish you the best of luck to overcome this. It's possible, you just gotta believe in it.
todreaminblue Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 When does that return? The feeling of I wasn't good enough etc etc. it's overwhelming some days. Logically I know that he ]should] have had love and respect for me as I am but sh* t. Sometimes I feel not good enough because he couldn't love me anymore. Not looking for esteem boosters or affirmation of how great I am lol, but more to hear how anyone feeling like this dealt with it? Its conditioning or brainwashing or interrogation manipulation....if you interrogate someone and deny them simple things like sleep affection and comfort and shine a light in their eyes and say you are a rock for two weeks.....they will tell you undoubtedly in two weeks that they are undeniably a rock....now put that into a spectrum where you get told over and over again you are no good you suck you are a retard or whatever other put down you can think of imagine it going on for years or months.....undeniable residual effects....soldiers can suffer post traumatic stress disorder form this...... the only way you can get over conditioning is by having faith and being good to yourself when no one has shown you how to be good to yourself and that comes from your heart.... you are going to feel everything that was conditioned into you but if you can draw on times people and places where love abounded you can get through it ....thats why i hold memories so close in my heart all the good all th ebad because i can counteract.......any bad thoughts i have with a good memory and some of them i am making right now....today.....i went to church i made a memory.......when i see someone smile tonight i have another one that's important to me because the person that will give me that smile makes a difference to me..... and i replenish my banks of feel good memories for my rough spots.........god helps me decide which ones are important because he burns them into my retina...he blurs the bad ones.......and then i write a poem...smilin.....and i pray....that my good times out weigh my bad times so i can endure the bad times.......i have been there done that and live to tell the tales.....the only difference is my life isnt a fairy story its real and im honest......that gets me through what also gets me through is I have love for others.......true love.accepting love..and i know who i love and who makes a difference..... those who dont mind....they matter....those who do mind dont matter(dr suess)... so those who accept me matter.....those who dont accept me ....they dont.....and i hope tonight i can actually speak to someone and tell him that....and make him feel the same ...he is the one who makes a difference to me.....in a very heartwarming way...helping people also ....warms those cold spots...i hoped that i might have helped you....counteract eveyr bad thought with something positive in your life now or past...deb
Author paradigm shift Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 Thanks for your input everyone-such strong people and great advice. I'll be awesome in no time!! 1
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