Dating - No Sex yet

November 18, 2012

Updates....

Well I did talk to her after the Halloween party. I asked her if she was still interested in me and what the reason was for being not intimate. She said it really isn't because of not attractiveness, but the opportunity to be intimate. She also said she just likes to take things as they come, and it will happen when it happens. I said ok. We had one dare since, and have texted each other daily since then. I know that she's still on match and POF and that she's been on them at least once in the last few days. Yesterday I had a party thrown at my company. I told her about it but didn't invite her. I think she's pissed. I wanted to send the message that I wasn't going to ask again, and get another accuse. Plus I looked at her match profile, and she might now know that I know that I viewed it. When we did talk after Halloween that if anything is bothering her or if she wanted to talk about anything that I was all ears. I've been very nice to her and always respond to her texts. Always ask her how she's doing, an often am the one who initiates.

Anyways I think it's over regardless. I think I was just a backup in case something better didn't come along. I feel that I was likely a good catch, but perhaps not "fun" or "attractive" enough for her. And maybe that's why I've been strung along for all this time. I want to thank all of you for your candid and frank input. It's eye opening...

November 18, 2012

Updates....

Well I did talk to her after the Halloween party. I asked her if she was still interested in me and what the reason was for being not intimate. She said it really isn't because of not attractiveness, but the opportunity to be intimate. She also said she just likes to take things as they come, and it will happen when it happens. I said ok. We had one dare since, and have texted each other daily since then. I know that she's still on match and POF and that she's been on them at least once in the last few days. Yesterday I had a party thrown at my company. I told her about it but didn't invite her. I think she's pissed. I wanted to send the message that I wasn't going to ask again, and get another accuse. Plus I looked at her match profile, and she might now know that I know that I viewed it. When we did talk after Halloween that if anything is bothering her or if she wanted to talk about anything that I was all ears. I've been very nice to her and always respond to her texts. Always ask her how she's doing, an often am the one who initiates.

Anyways I think it's over regardless. I think I was just a backup in case something better didn't come along. I feel that I was likely a good catch, but perhaps not "fun" or "attractive" enough for her. And maybe that's why I've been strung along for all this time. I want to thank all of you for your candid and frank input. It's eye opening...

I think you nailed it.

I also think it was best for you to work it out on your own..

I mean she managed to have more than one kid so she knows how to arrange time for sex with kids. LOL!

I went through something similar with a female friend, the said she wanted to date after my divorce.

The reality was she didn't want to lose my attention & knew if I found a GF she wouldn't have me all to herself so she dragged it out for months with me being a dumb-ass & just accepting her lame excuses for why we wern't having sex yet.

I wound up just slamming the door hard on her and after realized just how much time & energy I spent on a chick who gave me nothing in return.

November 19, 2012

I think you nailed it.
I also think it was best for you to work it out on your own..

I mean she managed to have more than one kid so she knows how to arrange time for sex with kids. LOL!

I went through something similar with a female friend, the said she wanted to date after my divorce.

The reality was she didn't want to lose my attention & knew if I found a GF she wouldn't have me all to herself so she dragged it out for months with me being a dumb-ass & just accepting her lame excuses for why we wern't having sex yet.

I wound up just slamming the door hard on her and after realized just how much time & energy I spent on a chick who gave me nothing in return.

Well I texted her today, and asked her to give me a call. She's going to call me in a couple of hours. I will ask her some candid, very directed questions. We will see how she responds. I'm particularly interested in how she's going to respond when I ask her about her being on match.com and POF still.

November 26, 2012

I think she is losing interest because you didn't create the environment where sex could happen, and didn't make the moves toward that. But from what you've said, I think you still have a chance.

Personally, I'd stop talking about sex and make the moves toward having it. Most people would much rather be having great sex than talking about why it's not happening.

You sound like a conscientious, caring guy, but just that isn't enough to attract a woman and get her excited about you romantically and sexually. That makes you a great friend, not a great lover and partner. You need to romance her a little and show her your desire. Really, you need to get more sexual with her as soon as possible.

I think she is attracted to you and wants to have sex with you, but is waiting on you to make the moves. Actually, since she's looking at the dating sites again, I think she's starting to lose hope that you will make the moves.

No matter how attracted I am to a man, how much I like him, or how much I want to jump his bones, I would never, ever make the first move sexually, for our first time. I always wait patiently for him to make those moves. Once we get more comfortable with each other, sure - but not initially.

November 26, 2012

I think she is losing interest because you didn't create the environment where sex could happen, and didn't make the moves toward that. But from what you've said, I think you still have a chance.

Personally, I'd stop talking about sex and make the moves toward having it. Most people would much rather be having great sex than talking about why it's not happening.

You sound like a conscientious, caring guy, but just that isn't enough to attract a woman and get her excited about you romantically and sexually. That makes you a great friend, not a great lover and partner. You need to romance her a little and show her your desire. Really, you need to get more sexual with her as soon as possible.

I think she is attracted to you and wants to have sex with you, but is waiting on you to make the moves. Actually, since she's looking at the dating sites again, I think she's starting to lose hope that you will make the moves.

No matter how attracted I am to a man, how much I like him, or how much I want to jump his bones, I would never, ever make the first move sexually, for our first time. I always wait patiently for him to make those moves. Once we get more comfortable with each other, sure - but not initially.

Well I did end up talking with her for a while. It seems as though she is very busy, and there is a lot of stuff happening in her life. I believe her because she does have 4 kids, and plus she works about 11-12hrs per day. When we do go out, she said that she's just so tired from the day that she really is not 100% there with me. This is her "busy" season at work, and she's also having problems with her ex...even as recent at this past week. So I've decided to give her space, and we text every 2 days or so. I really do think she's being honest, at the same time I am being very patient. Just not sure for how long??

November 26, 2012

is she really such a great catch that all this patience so early in the relationship may have decent return-on-investment?

November 26, 2012

is she really such a great catch that all this patience so early in the relationship may have decent return-on-investment?

I ask that question all the time!! The answer is I don't know. That's one of the reasons it bugs me so much. On one hand I think, screw it move on find someone I can spend more time with. On the other hand, I do think she's a wonderful person. We get along really well, we have a lot in common. And I can see our relationship developing. She has a good heart, and my gut tells me stick it out? Very confused though.

November 26, 2012

Working 11-12 hr days + 4 kids, I bet she is tired. Really though I also bet you want some passion in your life, and by passion I mean a woman who is passionate over you, and not wanting to take it slow and see how it goes + is run down with wearyness on your dates + has you down at #5 priority in her schedule.

If you really like her stay in touch with txts but I think you should also see what else is out there. There will be another woman out there who stirs your desires and is more available to be a proper gf for you, and hopefully it wont be a long time to find her, but start your search now.

November 26, 2012

Working 11-12 hr days + 4 kids, I bet she is tired. Really though I also bet you want some passion in your life, and by passion I mean a woman who is passionate over you, and not wanting to take it slow and see how it goes + is run down with wearyness on your dates + has you down at #5 priority in her schedule.
If you really like her stay in touch with txts but I think you should also see what else is out there. There will be another woman out there who stirs your desires and is more available to be a proper gf for you, and hopefully it wont be a long time to find her, but start your search now.

I know I hear you. I'm sort of doing that right now. I just hate to end something that has long term potential. And it's so hard to find someone that you get along with, connect with, and are attracted to. So in many respects I feel like it will be an uphill fight to start over again. I also feel uncomfortable looking for someone else while still "attached" to someone else, although I use that term loosely. It's tough to admit to myself that I should be doing exactly what your suggesting, but I guess that's where this is going. I think I deserve more in life.

November 26, 2012

I know I hear you. I'm sort of doing that right now. I just hate to end something that has long term potential. And it's so hard to find someone that you get along with, connect with, and are attracted to. So in many respects I feel like it will be an uphill fight to start over again. I also feel uncomfortable looking for someone else while still "attached" to someone else, although I use that term loosely. It's tough to admit to myself that I should be doing exactly what your suggesting, but I guess that's where this is going. I think I deserve more in life.

I would talk to her again. Explain that you understand she is tired. That you understand she has a lot going on. But that if you are going to be in a relationship together, you need at least a little of her time and attention. Ask her if the relationship is something she even wants.

It seems that she is so ambivalent about it that she isn't willing to put in ANY effort.

It's not like she is 19. She understands that a man will want sex and affection as part of a relationship.

If you guys have different views on this, it's better to find out now and cut your losses.

November 26, 2012

I would talk to her again. Explain that you understand she is tired. That you understand she has a lot going on. But that if you are going to be in a relationship together, you need at least a little of her time and attention. Ask her if the relationship is something she even wants.

It seems that she is so ambivalent about it that she isn't willing to put in ANY effort.

It's not like she is 19. She understands that a man will want sex and affection as part of a relationship.

If you guys have different views on this, it's better to find out now and cut your losses.

When I spoke with her I did ask her if she wanted to continue dating me. She said yes. I even asked her if there was someone else and if she was or wanting to date someone else. She said no. So I think she does want a relationship, she does want to date me, but she's in a rut. She said that its been a very tough 3 months for her. I just said I understand and that I wanted us to hang out more. She responded that she's trying her best but at times she simply can't find the time, or can't get her parents to watch he kids. She told me she hasn't even hung out with her close friends that much lately.

What bugs me sometimes is that she will seldom text me to see how I'm doing. I just think her life and mind are so full of other things that I'm not priority....as someone pointed out. So I get resentful, and get the feeling that she simply doesn't care or is indifferent.

November 26, 2012

get the feeling that she simply doesn't care or is indifferent.

She IS indifferent.

If she was feeling crazy about you, you would be on her mind more, even if she was busy. She would be putting in effort. She would be sending you "thinking about you" texts. She would be concerned that the lack of sex was going to chase you away.

At some point, you have to pay attention to her ACTIONS. She is saying she wants the relationship, but her actions are saying "Meh".

November 26, 2012

She IS indifferent.

If she was feeling crazy about you, you would be on her mind more, even if she was busy. She would be putting in effort. She would be sending you "thinking about you" texts. She would be concerned that the lack of sex was going to chase you away.

At some point, you have to pay attention to her ACTIONS. She is saying she wants the relationship, but her actions are saying "Meh".

Yea. I think that's correct. If I do look at her actions, it basically does say its over. But I asked her if she wanted to end this, then please tell me. I have given her the open door to stop it altogether.

I'm not sure if she's just afraid to end it, and that she's doing all this to chase me away in purpose? I just don't think she's that kind if person, but I did consider that she doesn't want to tell me it's over, and just waiting for me to do it.

November 26, 2012

I don't think she wants it to be over. I think she just doesn't care. As you said, she's indifferent. Right now, the relationship DOES meet a need for companionship, so she's in no hurry to end it. The only way she will end it is if you start asking for more or if another guy comes along and she's more interested in him.

November 26, 2012

There is also the possibility that she is a low-emotions kind of person, and that this really IS what she wants a relationship to be. Is she affectionate with her kids? Is she passionate about her life and her job? If not, she may just be ok with the way things are.

One thing is for sure though. If she isn't jumping on you within 3 - wait, now 4, right? - months, she is never going to be a person who needs a lot of sex and passion.

November 26, 2012

I don't think she wants it to be over. I think she just doesn't care. As you said, she's indifferent. Right now, the relationship DOES meet a need for companionship, so she's in no hurry to end it. The only way she will end it is if you start asking for more or if another guy comes along and she's more interested in him.

How does it meet her needs if we seldom hang out, or even text more that 1-2x a day? I think my plan is, as suggested, is to start looking for someone else. I just don't see things changing in the short term. If they do great, if not then hopefully I will have at least moved on emotionally. Right now I'm emotionally attached, pretty sure she isn't.

November 26, 2012

Consider that how she acts when stressed is unlikely to change.

If sex goes out the door for her when she's stressed, that's unlikely to change. And stress isn't likely to stop being part of her life.

November 26, 2012

There is also the possibility that she is a low-emotions kind of person, and that this really IS what she wants a relationship to be. Is she affectionate with her kids? Is she passionate about her life and her job? If not, she may just be ok with the way things are.

One thing is for sure though. If she isn't jumping on you within 3 - wait, now 4, right? - months, she is never going to be a person who needs a lot of sex and passion.

That's a good point. I think it may be that her personality is such that she simply isn't particularly passionate about anyone or any one thing. And so a relationship where there is minimal attachment, yet is still there is fine for her. Perhaps she doesn't see this type of relationship as a problem.

November 27, 2012

I just hate to end something that has long term potential. And it's so hard to find someone that you get along with, connect with, and are attracted to. So in many respects I feel like it will be an uphill fight to start over again.

You sound like a great guy. I'm sure some other good woman would appreciate your attention, affection, and presence in her life. Start looking for good women who want a good man and you will find them.

I also feel uncomfortable looking for someone else while still "attached" to someone else, although I use that term loosely.

If I were you, I would end this relationship, explaining that I want to date someone who has time for me. Then you're a free man.

I think I deserve more in life.

You do - you just have to go out and get it.

November 27, 2012

is she really such a great catch that all this patience so early in the relationship may have decent return-on-investment?

Ahhhh, do you by chance read PUA? I can tell. Those type of entitled men always refer to women as objects or as "investments" You only put in the effort to get sex within your time frame...or else

November 27, 2012

Well I did end up talking with her for a while. It seems as though she is very busy, and there is a lot of stuff happening in her life. I believe her because she does have 4 kids, and plus she works about 11-12hrs per day. When we do go out, she said that she's just so tired from the day that she really is not 100% there with me. This is her "busy" season at work, and she's also having problems with her ex...even as recent at this past week. So I've decided to give her space, and we text every 2 days or so. I really do think she's being honest, at the same time I am being very patient. Just not sure for how long??

Sometimes I think women make excuses. But 4 kids, working 11-12 hrs???? That is a good excuse. Any man who doesnt understand this has obviously never walked a mile in her shoes and needs to grow up.

I dated a man like this once, who worked long hours at a job that wasnt a desk job and had children...he was tired all the time too. OP- you should create a situation (like a trip) where she could be rested and away from her kids...a weekend to the mountains?

November 27, 2012

Sometimes I think women make excuses. But 4 kids, working 11-12 hrs???? That is a good excuse. Any man who doesnt understand this has obviously never walked a mile in her shoes and needs to grow up.

I dated a man like this once, who worked long hours at a job that wasnt a desk job and had children...he was tired all the time too. OP- you should create a situation (like a trip) where she could be rested and away from her kids...a weekend to the mountains?

I've made plans for us to go out for a weekend. I've made them in advance and a week in advance. She has either has problems finding a sitter, or she was sick, or her kid was too sick for her to not be there. How in the world would I expect that she could be away for an extended weekend? That's what's so frustrating.

November 27, 2012

Ok so she hasn't texted me in 2 days. So I just checked match.com, and she's been on it in the past 24 hrs. So she lied to me when I talked to her last week. I'm done. Thank you all for your advice and insight. You helped me see what I didn't want to look at. I'm officially back on the market!

November 28, 2012

Ok. You know what's bothering me is that just a week ago when a I spoke with her I asked her if she still wanted to date, and if she was still interested. I gave her the opportunity to TELL me she wasn't interested. Yet she chose to lie to me, and has basically is not texting me....which is fine...I don't want to be with her either. BUT, why can't some women just say what they feel. It's so much better to hear someone just say, 'you know I'm just not interested, I hope you're ok with that' . Can someone please explain??

November 28, 2012

Who knows why she took the coward's way out and lied?

Maybe she's too wimpy to handle your reaction to the truth.

Maybe she really does wish she had the energy/motivation to date you (or anybody), but doesn't for whatever reason.

It could be anything. But the reason why doesn't really matter. You have no real say over what she does or how she behaves.

But you can choose something better for yourself - a caring relationship with a woman who has time and energy for you. Believe me, tons of great women out there need love and have lots of love to give. You just have to look for them and keep looking till you find a good match.

I hope I see a post from you within a few months telling us about this fantastic lady you met

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