SayonaraItsuka Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Should a girl and I become friends first before dating, or could we just date? I never really understood this concept. I was always friends first with a girl I had a relationship with. 1
carhill Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 It might be cultural/demographic. Further, opinions vary as to what a 'friend' is. As an example, I know lots of people on a first name basis but only a very few are people I consider friends. An example in the potential dating realm would be the nice lady at the post office I've known for years and considered dating but wasn't yet divorced. We know each other on a first name basis and have had personal chats over the decades but we're not 'friends'. I don't know her kids; she only knew my wife superficially and we've never been to each other's homes. How does it go for you? Around here, I've never successfully dated a woman I consider to be a friend. Women don't operate like that around here and I've been immersed in 'here' for 53 years uninterrupted.
Author SayonaraItsuka Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 To me, a friend is somebody you hang out with.
ffw Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 OP, there is no successful formula to decide whether to be a friend or not. The outcome of a relationship usually doesn't depend upon it i.e. in the long turn. Personally, I am a straight forward person. I can't make a person I am interested in as just a friend. Ofcourse, by freindship I mean truly friends & not waiting for a chance.
carhill Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 To me, a friend is somebody you hang out with. Another example: I 'hung out' with a couple thousand folks at a recent Alzheimer's walk and had some pretty intense personal conversations with some of them. Some I knew from past interactions as a caregiver. We 'hang out' around a common interest, our past/present involvement with the disease. Are they 'friends'? To another person, perhaps. To myself, not really. If I go in for surgery next week, it's highly unlikely that any of them would send a get well card or visit, if aware. My friends, OTOH, would be there. None of the female ones have designs on me romantically, but love me as a friend. That will likely never change; the examples date back for many years. If you're 'hanging out' regularly and have intimate platonic interactions, around here anyway, it's highly unlikely a lady would grow that into a romance. That's not how women are wired up in our culture. Your culture may differ. Also, your age may be a factor. Young people were socialized differently and have different concepts about 'hanging out', 'friends', 'lovers', 'sex', and 'relationships/marriage'. If you're young, my opinion likely carries little weight, nor should it. Different world.
MercuryMorrison1 Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 My only issue with being friends before dating is this... If a girl is even remotley pretty...She won't be single for long. I've tried on a couple of occasions in the past to be friends with a girl before asking her on an ''offical'' date. And in my experience the whole process of becoming and remaining friends is to time consuming and chance's are she will get snagged by someone else. But that's just my experience with it. Best of luck to you. 1
carhill Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 That's a really good point and I'll further it by offering, even if one is dating her, it's easy to be dismissed by what she perceives is a better prospect. 'Take it slow' at one's own risk. Sure, it's easy to opine that 'we weren't right for each other', but multiple iterations begin to indicate commonalities. The same applies to 'friends first'. If it works, go with that. If it consistently does not, try something else. After 15 years or so, I tried something else. I was stubborn and it cost me, socially and romantically. YMMV.
Author SayonaraItsuka Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 I don't know. The girls I've dated, I got to know them as a friend, but it feels like being friends first will likely hurt in the end and you won't be able to go back to just being friends. It feels like if I just dated somebody and if they're not interested or I'm not interested, feelings won't hurt as much. And I'm 21 years old, so things might be different with us young folks.
HeldbyGravity Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 There are all different ways of going about it, perhaps no one Right way. I do think that being friends with a person first helps, and that if you weren't their friend before you started dating, you might want to just "get to know her" first, which would replace that I-didn't-know-you lapse. 1
Jamesblame Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Friends are friends. Not a stepping stone to a romantic relationship. Sometimes friends may evolve into something else, but trying to be friends first is a cop out. It means one of you doesn't feel the chemistry so the other is just going to build on the platonic aspects. It's not worth it. Friendship is a boundary you don't want to cross. Because it's important to have friends, family, and lovers. Each group has their own benefit, and it gets messy mixing the two. Sometimes a friendship turned relationship turned split can return to a friendship....sometimes. But a lot of times it doesn't. 90% or more. Just like 90% or more of friendships don't turn romantic. Even the ones that occasionally get sexually flirtatious. Friends are friends for a reason.
todreaminblue Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 There are some really valid points for not being friends first and then there are valid points for getting to know someone....forming a strong foundation ....good and bad for both..when a guy courts a girl what is developed to me is a friendship or when i court(he has already made a move) a guy it has been from my friend zone.......its a protection thing for me....and gives them a chance to get to know me before dating me.......then i analyse my two serious relationship is I have had.....both from friend zone....and not one of them ended well.....they are now back to friendship status .....writing this just confused the hell out of me because i can see where friendship doesnt work......then i see where it does.....so i dont know.....i think it depends on the individuals involved...and taking sex out of the equation.......altogether....until married that one is a given....dating shouldnt have to equal getting naked.........complicated......im going back to my cell now...my non thinking non analysis sphere....cool music in there..deb
Carenth Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I was friends with my girlfriend as in I had no desire or romantic feelings for her I truly saw her as just a friend, over time that changed into something else. TBH it was a bit weird for both of us making that transition from friendship to more but it felt natural in a way. I don't know if we could ever go back to just been friends if we break up though... Generally otherwise I'm pretty direct I will ask someone i'm interested in quite quickly.
2.50 a gallon Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Although I did a lot of dating, it was all for fun. You just don't meet that some one special all that often. I when I did meet her, she always already had a boyfriend. So I would work at becoming her friend. Especially a friend who would listen. If you listen, A WOMAN WILL TELL YOU HOW TO SEDUCE HER! I would become her friend, and then wait for the relationship to sour. Then it was like insider trading on the stock market, I was already a step or two ahead of the competition 1
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