cmrock Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Hi all, my wife and I have been married for four years now. Earlier this year we chose to live apart due to issues we both needed to work on. However we still see each other at least two times a week if not more. We just started marriage counseling, and I have individual therapy. Everything seems like it is going to work out with us and we should be living together again soon. We still do everything a married couple does except live together at the moment. Recently my wife has been disinterested in sex completely. It has been several weeks now since we had that type of intimacy. Last night I hinted at her that I was in the mood, and she got stern and said that "I am not required to put out." It upset me very much and then later that night I asked her how much she loved me. She responded with that she loves me more than anything in this world. Then we got to talking and she told me she has been disinterested in sex for the last six months. I just do not know how to deal with this. I love her so much. Please help....
Balzac Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Bring the issue up in your therapy. She sounds angry. If you were sexually compatible I'd work on supporting her finding her way out of anger.
pteromom Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Well, it COULD be a hormonal issue on her part if she hasn't had a libido for six months. So if she is willing, she should go get that checked out. Since you aren't living together, it is possible her interest has shifted elsewhere. Or - it is possible that you just aren't inspiring her to be interested in it. In general, women need to feel very connected to someone BEFORE going into the bedroom. She needs to feel that the intimacy and romance are alive, and then she becomes interested in sex. Do you guys have that? Are you putting effort into wooing her and connecting with her? That's where I would start if I were you. Buy her flowers. Take her to dinner at her favorite restaurant. Write her a heart-felt letter or poem. Laugh with her. Talk to her about your childhoods, your dreams for the future, where you'd like to vacation, what you believe about "the meaning of life", etc. Put a picnic together and go for a drive in the woods and find the perfect spot to picnic. Very romantic. Walk on a beach or in a park, just holding hands and laughing together. I know there are some guys on LS who feel that a woman should just put out and a guy shouldn't have to work for it at all, but this is how women work - we need to feel LOVED before we want sex.
NervisPervis Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Earlier this year we chose to live apart due to issues we both needed to work on. Last night I hinted at her that I was in the mood, and she got stern and said that "I am not required to put out." I don't know what those issues are that made you live apart, but couple those issues with her not wanting to be intimate and I'm going with "she's just not into you any more". Sure, she loves you more than anything in the world. Kind of like me and my cat, know what I mean? This is an ILYBINILWY thread. Good luck. Now I'll let all of the smart people getting you to spin your wheels to try and win her back. Most people fail. Sorry. 1
belkin2 Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Without knowing the background of your separation or any details of the progress you have made, what has been discussed and really where you are at now...this will be tough for anyone to really understand and offer much advice. I would be willing to bet there is a lot of emotion tied to whatever the situation has been for your wife and it has stood in the way of her desire to be sexually intimate with you. Perhaps if you can focus on the good things and the positive changes that are leading you back to moving back in together and just forget about the sex for the time being it will come around. Easier said than done and if sex had anything to do with the problems before and lent a hand in the separation than its probably not a good option.
MintAngel Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Tread lightly! There may be something you are missing. Trust me, after all my issues, the one thing that seems to stand out is that things bother me that don't bother other people. So, you never know, maybe you are missing one simple detail that would explain everything. Fly straight! Ask her! At least you will be able to say you put in the full 100% effort required to make it work.
Author cmrock Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 Hi loveshackers, Recently my wife and I began marriage counseling. One of the issues I was struggling with is her admitted infidelity. During counseling she said she decided to break it off with OM because her family is what mattered to her. This was several weeks ago. There have always been issues of trust, this would be her third affair. I was hoping that counseling would help. The other day I got curious and looked at the phone bill due to tons of texting on the bill and I see the OM's number repeatedly in the sent and received column. Even this morning there were several messages sent back and forth. I do not know how or when I should say anything about this. Do I tell her I know? Do I first ask her if she is talking to him? Then see if she lies about it? Do I wait until counseling again to say anything? So many questions on my mind, I feel so heartbroken. Advise anyone? Please, I still think something is going on. Am I right to think that healing can not occur if this is still going on?
road Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Most marraige counselors are bad. Get the book Survining An Affair by Dr Harley. The book will guide you on how to end the affair. You need to have your WW send a business tone NC letter, no contact. Get WW a new phone No. and block OM number. Do the same with WW emails. Never reveal how you are getting your info when WW breakes NC. Put a key logger on the PC, hide a VAR in WW car and one in the house. Install a real time GPS in WW car. Do all of this without telling WW.
Minnie09 Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Healing cannot happen if there are any lies between you. Especially lies that involve the OM and their affair. If they're still communicating, the A is obviously not over and MC is a waste of money. Many WS do that though. They pull the wool right over your eyes and see how far they can go. Stop it now. Given your history of affairs, it's now time to draw ONE line in the sand and that's it. It's too late for discussions and negotiations. She won't take you seriously anymore. She's gotten away with too much for too long with zero consequences. I wouldn't say much, just plain and simple act. Or: ask her whether there's been communication going on behind your back, and if she lies one more time, pack her stuff and print the phone statement, tape it onto her bags and put them in the driveway. She'll get the message and will have to come up with something substantial in order to reconcile. If you let her. 1
Bryanp Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Your wife has had 3 separate sexual affairs in your 4 years of marriage putting your health at risk for STD's which caused your separation. You talk about getting back together and she refuses to have sex with you and you find out she is still in contact with her recent affair partner. This means she is still probably having sex with him. What is wrong with this picture? If the roles were reversed I doubt she would want to be with you. Your wife is a serial cheater who does not care about putting your health at risk for STD's after only 4 years of marriage. It is time for you to face reality and move on and fine someone who truly loves and respects you since the actions of your wife clearly shows she does not. Enough is enough. Good luck. 3
Darth Vader Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 (edited) Hi loveshackers, Recently my wife and I began marriage counseling. One of the issues I was struggling with is her admitted infidelity. During counseling she said she decided to break it off with OM because her family is what mattered to her. This was several weeks ago. There have always been issues of trust, this would be her third affair. I was hoping that counseling would help. The other day I got curious and looked at the phone bill due to tons of texting on the bill and I see the OM's number repeatedly in the sent and received column. Even this morning there were several messages sent back and forth. I do not know how or when I should say anything about this. Do I tell her I know? Do I first ask her if she is talking to him? Then see if she lies about it? Do I wait until counseling again to say anything? So many questions on my mind, I feel so heartbroken. Advise anyone? Please, I still think something is going on. Am I right to think that healing can not occur if this is still going on? She continues to ride other men, yet she denys sex to you (not that you should want sloppy seconds!) Buddy, to be perfectly honest, DIVORCE HER! You don't have children, do you? If not, BOOT HER ASS OUT! Especially if you don't have children. Besides, what if she were to get knocked up by one of these OM? Some states will presume you're the father even though you aren't screwing her! Your wife doesn't love you, otherwise, she wouldn't do this to you! 3 AFFAIRS!? COME ON AND FILE FOR DIVORCE! Protect your assets and your ASS! Oh, to answer your question, OH YEAH, SHE'S STILL SCREWING OTHER MEN (cheating)! Edited October 28, 2012 by Darth Vader 2
BetrayedH Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Well, it COULD be a hormonal issue on her part if she hasn't had a libido for six months. So if she is willing, she should go get that checked out. Since you aren't living together, it is possible her interest has shifted elsewhere. Or - it is possible that you just aren't inspiring her to be interested in it. In general, women need to feel very connected to someone BEFORE going into the bedroom. She needs to feel that the intimacy and romance are alive, and then she becomes interested in sex. Do you guys have that? Are you putting effort into wooing her and connecting with her? That's where I would start if I were you. Buy her flowers. Take her to dinner at her favorite restaurant. Write her a heart-felt letter or poem. Laugh with her. Talk to her about your childhoods, your dreams for the future, where you'd like to vacation, what you believe about "the meaning of life", etc. Put a picnic together and go for a drive in the woods and find the perfect spot to picnic. Very romantic. Walk on a beach or in a park, just holding hands and laughing together. I know there are some guys on LS who feel that a woman should just put out and a guy shouldn't have to work for it at all, but this is how women work - we need to feel LOVED before we want sex. Could you please copy and paste this daily into a PM for me? Thanks. I can pay you.
BetrayedH Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 OP, I agree that trying to forgive a third affair is two too many. Take whatever evidence you have to an attorney. Try to find money to pay him. Keep doing that until you receive an email that you were divorced 10 days ago.
Artie Lang Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 this would be her third affair. pretty much says it all.
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