alaskaman Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Hi, First off I am an overweight guy, I weigh around 245, 6'0. I met this woman online and we talked for a week or so and she sounds awesome, sent me some pictures, all facial shots, etc. We had a date scheduled and she emailed me that she had something to tell me and that I didn't probably know she was overweight, she had lost 70 pounds, still has a long way to go, etc. She understood if she didn't want to meet me, etc. I didn't know what to think but I told her I still wanted to go on a date with her. So I met her and we had a great date, she has a great career, is well spoken, kind and great. She is a lot more overweight than I expected. I would even put it in the unacceptable range but I like her too and don't want to be a shallow guy for such a great person. My concern is not her weight but what she is doing about it and also how she got into such bad shape, she walks her dogs twice daily and exercises frequently and eats healthy. Is she truly on a path for more weight loss or should I just skip any more dates. I truly don't know what to do. I feel like I can't be honest and talk to her about it. You can't exactly say, "I accept you the way you are, but only if you continue to lose weight". Thanks, Dan
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 You can't exactly say, "I accept you the way you are, but only if you continue to lose weight". You're right...you can't. Never get into a relationship with a "project." Just like the women who date the bad guy hoping he is on the path to change, you can't date this girl just hoping that she will change. If you don't accept her as she is (which is completely fine), then it's best to move on. You're only asking for trouble down the road.
O'Malley Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 You can't exactly say, "I accept you the way you are, but only if you continue to lose weight". Are you currently exercising and trying to attain a healthier weight? If you're already uncomfortable with certain elements of her appearance or lifestyle, it makes little sense to continue to date her...as long as you are also accepting of the fact that some women will choose to reject you for the same reasons. What would be shallow is the expectation that a prospective partner possess and maintain standards that you're unwilling to achieve for yourself. 1
Author alaskaman Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 Are you currently exercising and trying to attain a healthier weight? If you're already uncomfortable with certain elements of her appearance or lifestyle, it makes little sense to continue to date her...as long as you are also accepting of the fact that some women will choose to reject you for the same reasons. What would be shallow is the expectation that a prospective partner possess and maintain standards that you're unwilling to achieve for yourself. Yes I go to the gym 4-5 days a week and have lost a ton of weight and I lift weights, there is no doubt I'm gonna weigh 100 pounds less than I did 2 years ago. I'm very motivated. It's a tough situation because I think she's smart enough and motivated enough to work on it. I think you all are right, I have to accept her how she is, if I don't and she doesn't lose more weight I would end the relationship. What do I say if she talks about it? I like you the way you are, blah blah? Dan
MARK1957 Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 I'm missing something here. The first thing you say is that you're overweight and then proceed to talk about a woman who is overweight. If you don't want to see her anymore, don't. But focus on yourself first instead of talking about her weight as if it was the only thing that mattered. You sound very shallow.
xdahliax Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 You either take her as she is or you leave her. Even if she does manage to lose a lot of weight, there's no guarantee that in 5 years she'll be gaining weight all over again. It would be unfair for you to stay with her and realize that you are no longer attracted to her when it does happen (and studies show it probably will). She may be large but she deserves better than that.
Author alaskaman Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 I'm missing something here. The first thing you say is that you're overweight and then proceed to talk about a woman who is overweight. If you don't want to see her anymore, don't. But focus on yourself first instead of talking about her weight as if it was the only thing that mattered. You sound very shallow. I still want to see her but I also think about how healthy she is eating and exercising and it's obvious she is committed to change. I just am dying to know what happened for her to get in that bad of shape. I know she went through a brutal divorce. Is it wrong to just want more information about it or does it just not matter? She is awesome to be with but her weight is just a deal breaker, I just am beyond torn about it. On one hand i'm like screw this she should have not put herself in that situation, on the other hand she is awesome and I feel like a dirtbag for not accepting her as is. I know it's not wrong to want someone either committed to physical fitness and working on it or someone of a decent weight. I'm not shallow i'm just trying to understand what to do in this situation. Maybe if I date her more and more i will see rather or not she is committed to a healthy lifestyle. Dan
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