yellowxoxo Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Hi, I'm in my late 20's and my boyfriend in his 40's. Most aspects of our relationship are pretty great. We have been together for over a year and a half. He is very attentive and giving. Yes, we are generations apart but I understand him very well and growing up with three older siblings I was always wanting to be older than my actual age. I have nice looks (I hate saying this...but am just trying to give you the back story here) I fluctuate in my weight as many women do. Anyway, he told me he needed to talk to me. He really isn't one for holding back but I was quite taken back when he told me I haven't turned him on in three months and that he has only been getting off by himself. I didn't cry, although I may have if I spoke. He told me over and over he loves me but wanted to be honest that he wants me to be more motivated and work out more. I was pretty much speechless. I did mention to him that he is at the age where men loose testosterone. I'm deeply hurt and am at a loss of words to say to him. I'm very laid back and try not to make conflicts. I called a girlfriend but she was in the middle of something and told me it's probably his problem and to be honest I feel like it is. Never in my wildest dreams did I think someone who I love and loves me would say this. I can't help feeling anything but inadequate to him now. I just wanted someone's perspective as I lie awake not being able to fall asleep. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 You're right, someone that truly loves you for you would never say something in a way to hurt your feelings like that. I realize that men are visual creatures, and weight is one of "those" make or break issues for most of them.....But there are many ways he could have come to you without going for the jugular, and then rubbing it in by saying he only gets off by himself. "Maybe we could start going to the gym TOGETHER", for one. This is absolutely his problem, it's not yours, at all. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Hi, I'm in my late 20's and my boyfriend in his 40's. Most aspects of our relationship are pretty great. We have been together for over a year and a half. He is very attentive and giving. Yes, we are generations apart but I understand him very well and growing up with three older siblings I was always wanting to be older than my actual age. I have nice looks (I hate saying this...but am just trying to give you the back story here) I fluctuate in my weight as many women do. Anyway, he told me he needed to talk to me. He really isn't one for holding back but I was quite taken back when he told me I haven't turned him on in three months and that he has only been getting off by himself. I didn't cry, although I may have if I spoke. He told me over and over he loves me but wanted to be honest that he wants me to be more motivated and work out more. I was pretty much speechless. I did mention to him that he is at the age where men loose testosterone. I'm deeply hurt and am at a loss of words to say to him. I'm very laid back and try not to make conflicts. I called a girlfriend but she was in the middle of something and told me it's probably his problem and to be honest I feel like it is. Never in my wildest dreams did I think someone who I love and loves me would say this. I can't help feeling anything but inadequate to him now. I just wanted someone's perspective as I lie awake not being able to fall asleep. Thank you i have something that i was told men are visual creatures if your looks slip their attention will wane if you look good and continue to look good they will hold interest.....i think it should be more about healthiness and longer life to enjoy together on the mortal realm...i want to hold the belief i have in my heart is that men and women who truly love each other hold a deeper connection than that of aesthetics that sexual attraction is mindset that involves loving the heart and mind of the person as well......i do believe being physically fit can enhance a strong relationship...i would consider a relationship has issues if one person spends time getting off without the other person and for sure finds that person not sexually attractive..... i think your bf was crappy for saying what he said to you...not motivating at all ...i understand why you have trouble sleeping....he motivated that to happen ......it is his responsibility for your feeling bad..every action has an equal and opposite reaction.........you.....do what you want to do if you want to get fit be fit......but dont do it for him.try lavender scented oils and put a drop on your pillow case..hugs to ya..deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author yellowxoxo Posted October 25, 2012 Author Share Posted October 25, 2012 . he has told me to i should work out more etc. not that i am overweight by any means. he's been saying that pretty much since we met.... but hearing that i don't turn him on and he's had to take care of it himself. nothing has changed physically in at least year.... so why now? i just have a hard time believing its me...whatever is going on is going on with him. i'm a dreamer... always have been and i've dreamed of being in love blah blah.... somehow this never entered my dreams.... didn't even think it in the realm of possibility. Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Dump him. Seriously. If you have to lose weight to turn him on, dump him. I've dated men I was not physically attracted to. That's because I could look past the physical and be attracted to something inside. You dated him all this time and he still can look past the physical into your heart...dump him. At this point a man who loves you would be in love with you on the inside. Dump him. And by the way...dump him. Seriously, you can do better. Dump him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 . he has told me to i should work out more etc. not that i am overweight by any means. he's been saying that pretty much since we met.... but hearing that i don't turn him on and he's had to take care of it himself. nothing has changed physically in at least year.... so why now? i just have a hard time believing its me...whatever is going on is going on with him. i'm a dreamer... always have been and i've dreamed of being in love blah blah.... somehow this never entered my dreams.... didn't even think it in the realm of possibility. I agree that too many people don't accept the person they are with and try to mould them into something different. This is the reason why I broke up with my last ex. He constantly tried to change me and I found it insulting so I dumped him. This is hurtful OP and I'm sorry. I know you feel rejected. I'm surprised you haven't picked up on the signs sooner though? Don't the two of you have regular sex? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author yellowxoxo Posted October 25, 2012 Author Share Posted October 25, 2012 yes, we do. and i initiate quite a bit. i was on my period this last week... the only reason (at least i thought) we haven't in a week. tonight i stayed with him with naive and foolish hopes he would want to have sex and things would feel better.. he fell asleep and i couldn't so i left a note saying i had to go. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 . he has told me to i should work out more etc. not that i am overweight by any means. he's been saying that pretty much since we met.... but hearing that i don't turn him on and he's had to take care of it himself. nothing has changed physically in at least year.... so why now? i just have a hard time believing its me...whatever is going on is going on with him. i'm a dreamer... always have been and i've dreamed of being in love blah blah.... somehow this never entered my dreams.... didn't even think it in the realm of possibility. i am eating a freddo frog in sympathy....;0)........i am dreamer too i wouldnt thrive in relationship where i was judged in anyway...in fact if i were to find that type of relationship in my future i stated in another thread nastiness would be a deal breaker......it would be the last relationship i would have in this life .... a guy saying hey you shouldnt wear that is different to saying i get off by myself you dont do a thing for me.....especially when i know exactly what i can give.......in that area.....he was nasty to you.......i would also be mortified as you are......i have faith though as i eat my freddo frog......that i will make the right decision and be with the guy who truly appreciates me who accepts my flaws and loves me anyway enough to make it permanant even i have high hopes............cheers with one quarter freddo attached.....deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author yellowxoxo Posted October 25, 2012 Author Share Posted October 25, 2012 thank you. i know what I have to do. i know he won't want to and will say things to keep me to stay. i'm not sure what a fredo frog is... i'll have to ask my uncle or friends in oz. thanks for the advice i really appreciate it as i felt incredibly alone. Link to post Share on other sites
GG3 Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Dump him. Seriously. If you have to lose weight to turn him on, dump him. I've dated men I was not physically attracted to. That's because I could look past the physical and be attracted to something inside. You dated him all this time and he still can look past the physical into your heart...dump him. At this point a man who loves you would be in love with you on the inside. Dump him. And by the way...dump him. Seriously, you can do better. Dump him. Agree here. I have dated guys who expected me to maintain a certain weight and they don't seem to have empathy or see people as people. Afterwards I dated a guy who loved me no matter what my weight was and it was so much better. My weight fluctuates as well. Who needs that kind of pressure. That is not love. As we get older our weight gets harder to maintain too. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Here is the thing - even if he is being 100% honest and isn't turned on due to your lack of fitness, where does that leave you? Because no matter what you do, you are going to age, and gravity will set in, and while you can keep your muscles tone and fat down, you are GONNA get wrinkles and age spots and stretch marks and everything else that comes with aging. Then what? You'll be 15 years older and never having sex? This just seems like a losing situation for you no matter what. BTW, I would guess that his issues have nothing to do with YOU and he's just projecting blame. 40ish is when a lot of guys start having erectile function issues, and he may not like admitting it. OR - he may have some fetish or porn habit that he NEEDS in order to be turned on, and doesn't realize it has nothing to do with you. If you want to save this relationship (although - why?) you need to keep talking to him. Ask him what turns him on, and see if there is anything you can do to accommodate him. And - you may as well start working out. It will help you land the next guy. Link to post Share on other sites
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