seemenow Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 (edited) 4 months ago my ex and I started seeing each other again. She had a boyfriend but told me that it was about to end between them. We started seeing each other again, but after a few weeks she still hadn't ended things with the boyfriend. I only decided to see her again because she basically told me things were over between them and she just needed time to end it, and she told me that she still loved me and cared for me. After finding out that she wasn't going to leave her boyfriend, I blew. I got really mad and we got into a blow out fight. I felt bad for her boyfriend and sorry for myself. I loved her very much. The next few weeks I fell into a deep deep depression. She became aloof to everything and when we did talk about what happened between us she said and I quote: "It is not like I was trying to make a decision between you two, it was just sex between you and I" I lost it. Accused her of using me. Asked her why she lied and said things were on the outs with her and her boyfriend, and asked her why she told me she still loved me and wanted me. She had no answers. Why would she dismiss what she said before? Why would she diminish it to just sex? She accused me of being crazy, mentally unhealthy, etc. She put it all on me. Made me out to be the bad guy. I was upset to know the truth. The last couple of months we have started casually talking again. We have been cordial with each other but not close and I haven't seen her in person, just texts, and a call every now and then. I got drunk one night and asked if she believed things were really over between us now and in the future (stupid and pathetic I know) she said "yes" ...since then I have tried to let her go and move on. I don't text much and I don't call either. If she doesn't hear from me in a few days-she usually texts me. When we talk on the phone she is really aloof and distant, but she does still call. I love her. She knows this. I know she still loves me but I think she wants to save face and not retract on her decision. I don't know if I should just cut her out of my life because sometimes it is hard to talk to her, but sometimes it's okay. Just confused about all of this. Why does she feel the need to contact me if she doesn't hear from me? What does you think she wants from me? Edited October 25, 2012 by seemenow
D-Lish Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Let me ask you this question: If a person is terrible to you, and you live in a society where you are free to walk away from terrible treatment- why would you stay involved? The question you should ask yourself is WHY you choose to follow someone that treats you horribly.
Author seemenow Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 That is an important question I am trying to answer. I am aware she treated me horribly. Like she didn't respect nor value me or our relationship. I am aware of all this. I am aware and strong enough to know that I deserve better. That I always have. But for some reason, the love is still there. We were together for almost 6 years before all of this. She was the most important person in my life, besides my family. She was my best friend. I am scared to death to lose that. Regardless of how unfairly she treated me, the love between us is important, and trying to understand her and all this is so important to me.
D-Lish Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Give up trying to understand someone else, you'll never be able to put yourself in their shoes, regardless of how hard you try. You have to let her go, and stop blaming yourself for something you can't figure out or control. The two of you changed over time- you have to reconcile with that in order to move on. It hurts like hell to lose a love- but you have a choice to dwell or move onwards. Choose to move forward. 3
Author seemenow Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 Everyone changes over time. Does that equate to walking away from the people who love you? What does that even mean, change? The core of myself is still the same, I am trying to figure out why she still tries to contact me. I am trying to gain some insight and understanding, not false hope. I appreciate your response and what you have said thus far makes a lot of sense. it just isnt that easy or that black and white. Just because people change doesn't mean you cut out everything that existed before.
Sasu Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 (edited) Man,you need a reality check,I will type in detail. She may have been a loving girl once ,committed and serious for you but she changed and trust me ,no matter how much you love and care for her,nothing will change from her side,instead when she called you mentally unhealthy and admitted to use you for sex and stuff ,you should have gotten the point that she doesn't feel same for you anymore, Its a valid point that its unfair to walk away from someone who has changed,i believes same,but it doesn't apply in case of relationship,especially with ppl who stay confused and can't decide what they want,I've learned this hard way,been in your shoes for 2 years,trying for months to put up with my love who claimed to love me most not the other guys in her life ^^" just for sake of our love and even gave her chances multiple times to be with me after been cheated and dumped,hoping she'll see how much i love her,heh still nothing,instead she got more colder towards me and started treating me badly,calling me same mentally unstable kid at times like yours did ..see the analogy ? As for what she wants from you now,she wants you hanging in her life with no commitment or responsibility ,as she do care for you ( a girl will care for anyone who truly loves her anyways ) but she is never going to be with you again as she just doesn't feel same,and you or she herself can't do anything about it,In end she will move on with someone else leaving you behind devastated. Choice is yours,you can either continue all that and hurt yourself some more and situation will still be same or tell her you can't play this game,if she doesn't want to be with you ,u have no interest in talking to her anymore ( which actually have some chance of getting her back with you and changing her back ) Take care of yourself. PS - English isn't my native language so my apologies. Edited October 25, 2012 by Sasu
TopCat22 Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Everything you have done shows her that she can treat you this way and get away with it. She will continue to take what she wants from you if you do not put a stop to it. Don't tell her you love her. Tell her you don't love her. Don't answer the texts, don't talk to her on the phone. Make her understand you are not there for her. Watch as she panics when she realises she no longer has control over you. This isn't about her, it's about you. Take your pride and dignity back. 1
sweetkiwi Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 i've been your ex. I was the heartbreaker once. And i did and still do love my ex. But for your own sake you need to just let her go. Don't give her the emotional satisfaction of always having you there. She doesn't deserve it and doesn't care right now. She's selfish. Let her be selfish. You can only control your own happiness.
Tree_Salmon Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 4 months ago my ex and I started seeing each other again. She had a boyfriend but told me that it was about to end between them. We started seeing each other again, but after a few weeks she still hadn't ended things with the boyfriend. I only decided to see her again because she basically told me things were over between them and she just needed time to end it, and she told me that she still loved me and cared for me. After finding out that she wasn't going to leave her boyfriend, I blew. I got really mad and we got into a blow out fight. I felt bad for her boyfriend and sorry for myself. I loved her very much. The next few weeks I fell into a deep deep depression. She became aloof to everything and when we did talk about what happened between us she said and I quote: "It is not like I was trying to make a decision between you two, it was just sex between you and I" I lost it. Accused her of using me. Asked her why she lied and said things were on the outs with her and her boyfriend, and asked her why she told me she still loved me and wanted me. She had no answers. Why would she dismiss what she said before? Why would she diminish it to just sex? She accused me of being crazy, mentally unhealthy, etc. She put it all on me. Made me out to be the bad guy. I was upset to know the truth. The last couple of months we have started casually talking again. We have been cordial with each other but not close and I haven't seen her in person, just texts, and a call every now and then. I got drunk one night and asked if she believed things were really over between us now and in the future (stupid and pathetic I know) she said "yes" ...since then I have tried to let her go and move on. I don't text much and I don't call either. If she doesn't hear from me in a few days-she usually texts me. When we talk on the phone she is really aloof and distant, but she does still call. I love her. She knows this. I know she still loves me but I think she wants to save face and not retract on her decision. I don't know if I should just cut her out of my life because sometimes it is hard to talk to her, but sometimes it's okay. Just confused about all of this. Why does she feel the need to contact me if she doesn't hear from me? What does you think she wants from me? Sounds like the typical selfish nutso. Don't waste your time. You should have used her for sex as well. Just to show her you dont care. I bet she would have dumped her man for that. Girls like her seem to respond to all that stereotypical game playing. Soon as you stop giving her attention she'll want you.
Chi townD Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 You want to know why she's doing this? Hello Mr. backup plan! I mean, come on! She came running to you when things got rocky between her and her boyfriend. Now that things are apparently good, you were nothing but a sex toy. So, why is she calling? Every time she thinks you're pulling away she has to bring you back in. She's pulling on the leash to make sure the dog is still there. 2
headsashed Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 You want to know why she's doing this? Hello Mr. backup plan! I mean, come on! She came running to you when things got rocky between her and her boyfriend. Now that things are apparently good, you were nothing but a sex toy. So, why is she calling? Every time she thinks you're pulling away she has to bring you back in. She's pulling on the leash to make sure the dog is still there. 100% spot on,and im speaking from experience. No matter how much you love her you have to break that lead and run away. Basically she wants her cake and it eat it too,DONT be that back up plan,ur better than that.
geegirl Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 (edited) I love her. She knows this. I know she still loves me but I think she wants to save face and not retract on her decision. You KNOW she still loves you because she said so? But all the other things that she has said has turned out to be lies so what's believable about any thing she says. Her words have no substance or truth. Even your title says it all. She said she loves you and misses you then goes back to her boyfriend and claims you were just "sex". That's how you know she loves you? Are those the actions of someone that loves you? Then says it was just sex when her relationship resumed back to normal. She said that to get you off her back. She said that because she didn't want to be accountable to you and her promises to you so she minimized her words to you. It's clear she is using you as a crutch in case things don't work out for her. What's that saying...Homebrew said it. A monkey that won't let go of a branch until they have a hold of the next branch. This is your ex. You just can't see it because you're emotionally blinded and in denial. She told you upfront that the relationship is over. When someone tells you that, find your self-respect and move on. Don't stick around waiting desperately for someone to choose you. Keep the good memories of her and what existed before but move on and act on what you have been currently presented. Holding on to the past won't do you any good because it's all but a memory. You dictate your path with what's infront of you. Love is not a good enough reason to keep yourself in a situation that is clearly damaging your self-esteem. You should be stepping away from someone that has consistently hurt you. When will you say, enough? Edited October 25, 2012 by geegirl
headsashed Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Well said geegirl,the bottom line is and to put it simply is: You are her back up plan,nothing else,nothing more,she has you by the balls so man up,harsh i know but its true. If you believe she loves you then when she contacts you again just tell her not to contact you again until she is single and over her bf,if she does contact you after then then you kno she loves you,if she doesnt then you will be well on your way to recovery.
cmoney Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Sometimes we as human beings want things that we know that we cant have. Additionally, in my humble opinion i believe that some of your feelings have to do with your pride. I believe that as long as you believe that she has the upper hand. If she were to come back, i believe it would not b long before u broke-up with her. From the limited info that u supplied about your ex, it appears that she might suffer from a personality disorder. I also believe that u are her back-up plan just in case things do not work out with her current bf. I also believes that she is using you for an ego booster.
21flames Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 She's a heartless, lying, using, nasty excuse of a women basically, sounds like mine but she hasn't contacted me yet. Get rid!
Author seemenow Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 I appreciate all your great replies. Thank you. I believe a lot of you are very right on about what you said. Now that it has been mentioned, I believe she might have some of personality disorder as well. That is part of my problem, because i know she is "messed up" I don't want to just hate her and throw her out of my life. But I don't want to get back with her either. I do not initiate any contact with her anymore for the most part. Like I said, it is usually her if she has not heard from me in a few days, but if i do initiate contact or give her the slightest inkling that I may miss her-she uses this to her advantage and shuts me out and treats me like crap. I am just confused on what she would possibly gain from all of this. I wish it were that easy for me not to return any contact to her, but like I said I am worried about her well being and she is still a big part of my life. What do you foresee may happen if I just stop all contact with her and go completely NC (no returned contact)? I know I will feel better but how do you think she will react to it? Do you think she will leave my life completely?
Author seemenow Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 anyone? I am in tears here. I am lost on what to do.
Chi townD Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Simple, you move on. There are 7 billion people on the planet and you're hung up on the one that treats you like dirt. I promise you that there is a girl out there that is going to treat you right. And she's waiting for you to find her. But you're never going to find her if you can't move on.
mishy Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 anyone? I am in tears here. I am lost on what to do. i hope you are ok! Im hung up on someone that has been nasty to me too, so i know how hard it is to move on, when even the thought of moving on hurts. You just have to keep breathing and stay away from her, she is a nasty piece of work and will continue to hurt you and believe me, once they know they can get away with treating you badly they just keep doing it. You get in deeper and deeper, til your self esteem is so low you can barely begin to dig yourself out. its best to get out early
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