confused836 Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Hi all, I'm going through such a tough time right now I don't know how to stop this. I'm on the verge of failing out of medical school - something I've worked so hard to be in this position. I broke up with my ex months ago because she was manipulative, emotionally abusing, cheated on me, and essentially walked all over me. I loved her with all my heart but as time went on and we transitioned into a long distance relationship I couldn't forget all she did to me and I had to let her go. She's in med school too (not the one I am in) and she found another guy and now the two of them are in love. I'm still here thinking about her every single day. I'm still in love with her and I've gone on dates with other girls but nobody compares to her. She was amazing and she was a really good person despite what she did to me. I've seen a therapist, took anti-depressants for a while, but nothing is helping. Can somebody - anybody - please, please help me or provide words of encouragement or stories of similar situations? The last time I went to my therapist I told her I'm not going to hurt myself or anything but she didn't believe me based on how I've been acting. I've been so bitter around people and I've alienated so many people the past few months. The number of bridges I've burned due to my sadness/bitterness is unbelievable. I feel so lonely, so hopeless, I don't know. I never felt so alive when I was with my ex and I don't know how to get back to how I was without her. Somebody please help.
mishy Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 You need to look at what you have written, and focus on the reasons why it had to end: I broke up with my ex months ago because she was manipulative, emotionally abusing, cheated on me, and essentially walked all over me. She isn't worth failing medical school over. You broke up with her for a reason, and very good reasons, you have to focus on that. I know its horrible thikning about her with someone else, but unless she has had a personality transplant, she will end up treating him the same. You aren't ready to date, and don't force yourself to. You must write a list of what your priorities are at the moment and focus on them 3
Author confused836 Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 Thank you for your reply Mishy. Because my ex found somebody I've been on this personal quest to find somebody quickly too because I feel like she won. I had to put up with everything she did to me and now she's in a better position than I am. I think about her everyday because we do similar things each day I feel. Med schools across the country have pretty similar curriculums so when I'm in school I picture that she's doing the same exact thing that I am - difference is that she goes home to her boyfriend who she loves while I go home to an empty place alone. When I pulled away she started showing more interest and tried to get me back but I was firm with my decision at the time. I was fine for months until I found out she was dating someone else and that just kills me now..
Nik1 Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Um, I really think you need to concentrate on passing medical school, a doctor should have no problem picking up chicks. 3
Author confused836 Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 I just don't know how to be myself again. I'm so bitter and sad to the point I can't even fake a smile. I feel like i exude negativity and I've become so insecure. I used to be so confident and steady and now I can't even imagine going after another girl. I mean recently I was seeing this girl but I knew I didn't like her too much. So I ended it because I kept thinking about my ex every time I was with her. I don't know how to be myself and to stop thinking about her. I feel trapped in my mind and I have nothing to look forward to or anything. This really hurts.
fremonde Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 its going to take a while for you to get better, you can restart dating again, but not medical school. Do a good job and show her up. Beat her by living a happier life with a better woman. Come on, you will be done with medical school and get any woman you want think of it that way. Nice girls, got girls, rich girls, hard workers, house life.. Whatever of those you want, you will get. You just need to get through medical school thats all.
Author confused836 Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 You're right (I hope haha) and I do tell myself that there's someone out there who is better for me and I just need to be patient. But I just can't help but compare to her and how she won and I'm the loser here... There were so many issues involved. Even long distance she said that she can't travel to see me because her parents don't like her visiting boys and I thought it was unfair for her to expect me to travel up to see her each time. Ugh I just need to study. Its so stupid - I want to be a surgeon but I know her boyfriend also wants to be a surgeon now so to me its like she won you know? I would like to date someone in medicine too because I feel like that girl would understand my schedule, the stress I'm in, etc. Well actually it isn't too big of a deal to me but she already found that in a guy so quickly. If I can just stop comparing myself to her I think I will be ok. Maybe its my inner competitiveness?
curiouslyhuman Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Ive been in a similar situation as yours my friend. You feel like you have invested so much love into a person and they litteraly play you, abuse your trust and confuse you emotionnally. Its a hard road to travel but just tell yourself that there is better out there for you, i know its hard. You have to really focus on being you, and dont force it. Do things you like, that distract you, go for walks, play games, go out with friends, get your mind off it. Its a chemical bond you have created with this person and she uses your love for her as an advantage, her happiness will only grow with you're unhappiness which is terrible, i assure you of this. DONT give her that chance. She is a worthless piece of **** if she cheated on you, and not worth it at all. I too had a hard time accepting the fact that i would not be with my cheating ex girlfriend and i broke up with her, i too felt lonely and depressed and alienated people. But in time you will outgrow this. The first thing to do, is to stop contact, any contact with this woman. Do not text, speak, see, email, nothing. If she tries to contact you you MUST ignore it. It will hurt for a long time, and you might not get out of this quickly, but you WILL get out of it. I can guarantee it. Keep your head high, focus on your studies and keep trucking. The sun will rise each day whether she is there with you or not, which means life goes on, and she doesnt deserve you, really doesn't. Remember that there is a girl out there who is going to love you like no other, and while your screwed up ex girlfriend goes from one failed cheating relationship to the next, youll sit back and be sorry for her. 1
fremonde Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 She could be the type who needs to move from guy to guy, that she is never actually happy because she is missing a piece inside., in that case, you will always win. You will also be working around people in med your whole life, so you will meet someone. When I worked in a hospital the doctors and med students all kept hooking up with each other, and all the nurses ALWAYS wanted to date the cute young med students. never I the housekeeper
D-Lish Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Look, if you're studying to be an MD, you must have recognized that what you are experiencing is Depression. Maybe seek treatment for it?
Author confused836 Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 Thank you all for your responses. Curiouslyhuman - what you wrote literally put a smile on my face. You're right - the sun comes up each day which means life does go on. And i do need to keep trucking. I always valued my work ethnic but lately its disappeared. I will need to find that again and take pride in that if not anything else for the time being. Fremode - I only thought that situation happened in Grey's Anatomy haha. But yes I just need to be patient. Right now I'm a 2nd year student so we're stuck in classes all day and studying right after. I think once I do my rotations in the hospital I can hopefully meet new people and I think seeing patients will put more perspective on why I'm doing medicine. Sure it helped to have my ex because she did give me motivation to work hard for a future for us together. But I worked hard before she was in my life and I did it for myself and I can't lose sight of that. Again thanks for your replies all. I will take to heart what you've told me and hopefully I can get a little bit of studying in tonight...
Author confused836 Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 D-Lish - I've tried. My therapist and my PCP both said I have a case of major depression so they started me on anti-depressants but I stopped those very quickly because I didn't think I needed them. I'm thinking of rescheduling an appointment this week to give the meds a full dose and hopefully regain my focus. I mean all the signs of depression are there for sure - changes in sleeping habits, eating habits, loss of focus/interest/energy/etc. Feels like I'm at rock bottom. At least there's no where to go but up unless i want to run sideways in the walls.
todreaminblue Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Hi all, I'm going through such a tough time right now I don't know how to stop this. I'm on the verge of failing out of medical school - something I've worked so hard to be in this position. I broke up with my ex months ago because she was manipulative, emotionally abusing, cheated on me, and essentially walked all over me. I loved her with all my heart but as time went on and we transitioned into a long distance relationship I couldn't forget all she did to me and I had to let her go. She's in med school too (not the one I am in) and she found another guy and now the two of them are in love. I'm still here thinking about her every single day. I'm still in love with her and I've gone on dates with other girls but nobody compares to her. She was amazing and she was a really good person despite what she did to me. I've seen a therapist, took anti-depressants for a while, but nothing is helping. Can somebody - anybody - please, please help me or provide words of encouragement or stories of similar situations? The last time I went to my therapist I told her I'm not going to hurt myself or anything but she didn't believe me based on how I've been acting. I've been so bitter around people and I've alienated so many people the past few months. The number of bridges I've burned due to my sadness/bitterness is unbelievable. I feel so lonely, so hopeless, I don't know. I never felt so alive when I was with my ex and I don't know how to get back to how I was without her. Somebody please help. I am sorry fro that happening to you....i am the poster child for bad things sometimes happen even when you are essentially a good person or try to be a good person......bad things happen....i am actually down now so not going to share a slice of my history.... just to let you know i still have bad days.....i have gone through meds therapy and i have my faith...i have good friends not many because i am selective and i have good memories among the bad ones...i believe in life and love even when i am typing this to you feeling like crap....i still have hope...i like helping people that helps me actually and i have volunteered helping others through many dark periods of my psyche..... i am a kamikaze physically and mentally because i have fought my way through everything and i have done a lot of it myself.....i can stand alone i don't need a relationship to complete me.......i do miss the closeness and i am missing someone he isn't an ex i am missing.... it isn't why i am sad today or any other day.....really....what i appreciate most of all is the ability to feel even when that included fear its better than me feeling like a mechanical robot that ages me....feeling emotion is a god given gift.....i feel alive.... through everything you go through you are a survivor and you are living....good or bad you keep trying because you are worth living for.....for you and your heart to survive life becomes worthwhile....i have touched a lot of people in my life....i have made them laugh made them cry made them sigh in annoyance made them feel love ...... every single emotion i have given someone esle has been worth while.....we are all connected....we all affect each other in good ways and sometimes bad.....the girl who got away......she is of no consequence to your heart anymore she has damaged it sure you have one scar to add to your collection.....ill quote dean from supernatural chicks dig scars...... you will touch soemone elses heart and that heart you touch will maybe be the heart that belongs with your heart.....i wish you the best brother from another mother....never be bitter..you are my brother from another mother....remember that.....hugs to ya.....deb
Author confused836 Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 I want to thank everybody here for their responses. I actually was able to study a little tonight and I want to thank you all for that. It feels great knowing that people have been through similar situations and have become better people from it. I hope this motivation will continue for me tomorrow. I refuse to contact her or look her up in any form or fashion.
TopCat22 Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Stop focusing on where you are and think about where you want to be. Everytime you start feeling sorry for yourself, pinch yourself (really) and tell yourself out loud where you are going to be in a years time, 2 years time, 5 years time. You ARE going to pass med school, you ARE going to be a great doctor and you ARE going to find a new love. Believe it and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You also need to find things you enjoy. Small things. Things to look forward to. These days when I feel low, I head up to the driving range and hit some golf balls. It gets me away from everything and puts me in a different space. Find yourself a little something that's just yours and you enjoy.
Author confused836 Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 Thanks so much for the advice. I blocked her on everything, deleted her number, deleted all her emails, and threw out everything that reminded me of her. I'm not really sure what makes me happy or things I like to do for myself except work out I guess which I'll restart. Do any of you have tips on how I can stop comparing myself to her? Because she's in med school too I just find myself comparing myself to her for every little thing and how she's won and if I can just get that part in my head to stop I will be ok.
TopCat22 Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Well you really need to get out of the mindset that it's a competition. It's not about you or her "winning". There is no battle here. There is only you and what makes you happy. You feel the need to compete and show her you have a better life because you want revenge, to show her that you can be happy without her. Why waste your time in that? Who are you living your life for, her or you? If it's for you then it doesn't matter what she does. Keep telling yourself that. What she does doesn't matter. Force yourself to find some other things to do. Join a sports club or something. You won't want to at first but if you try enough things you will find something that interests you and you will start to enjoy it.
foreverastone Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 I think being in the medical field we are all naturally competitive which is how we even got there to begin with. With me I know that I'm competitive and I recently broke up with my ex so I understand what you're going through. I always felt that I had to 'win'. Where that be: -the first one to get over the relationship -the first one to date another person again -the first one to be happy and successful etc What I did was feed into my competitiveness for example I wanted to be successful in my career and so I arranged and found as much work experience that I can so I could add to my resume. I started gyming because I wanted to get a better body and it helps with stress release. I forced myself to go out and meet new people and make new friends. Doing this has helped me to be extremely busy and after a while you get so caught up in your extra curricular activities that the thought of my ex kind of took a back seat in my mind. The only thing is that i still find hard to study because you pretty much do this alone and you need full concentration and it is times like this that the mind starts to wonder. My ex and I have broken up for about 5 weeks now and I wish my progress was like a positive linear graph but instead it oscillates. Some days I feel great and don't think about him anymore and then other days I just feel like curling up into a ball and bawling my eyes out. What I have found is that those days where I don't think about him gets longer as time goes by. Hope you feel happier soon
Author confused836 Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 Every time I see a couple around the med campus I just think about her. I hate this constant reinforcement of what I gave up and how my current state sucks.
IndianBabu Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Hang in there man. 2nd year is rough without additional relationship issues. When I was in 2nd year, I had two girlfriends. They were path and pharm. Things will get better once you start rotations, you'll also meet a ton of new people. Depression is quite rampant in med school, dont be afraid to seek help if you feel that is the case. You know better than that.
Author confused836 Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 Today was better for the most part. I referred to this thread whenever I felt down. Our homecoming is this weekend and I'm just so tempted to know whether she is coming or not. Ugh I need to just exert some willpower
sissy106 Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Dear confused836, I can understand you situation but from the other side. I too had breakup with my first love, we too went to same college, doing same things, living life happily, my anything was incomplete without him, then he went to another country for higher studies, while I was already ahead in career, coz he had 2 year break in studies and was not getting options in our own country. We broke up under circumstances where he started doubting me for someone else, and the day he broke up with me, he did not even mind to ask me what I want (obviously I wanted him, and not the person he was doubting on me), and did breakup with me. He stayed at the same city for a month and did not contacted me. Besides all the wonderfull feelings that we had for each other and all care that we shared, there was something that pushed me back from trying more and it was his over ambitious nature (he put his work above me), over possesiveness, doubting nature,habbits of restricting me too much and his nature of insulting me at times for no big reasons which used to hurt me a lot. But my love for him was unconditional and pure, still we had breakup and he left me. Soon my family pressurised me to get married and wat to say, the man my ex doubted me for, proposed me and we got married. My husband is a gentle fellow and loves me a lot. But I still miss my ex everyday. I cry a lot, and feels like going back in time and doing someting to get him back. I can never love anybody the way I loved him, the thoughts of not having him in my life anymore now or ever kills me evryday. For 6 years that I spent with my ex, I have imagined and planned evrything according to him for the future, and now here I am with somebody else. Although I also put up some good pics with my hubby on FB for the world to see so that they dont pitty me, but still inside I am in tears and sadness and deepression for loosing my only love. I dont know how u feel for ur ex, but if ur love was true and u dont want to regret ur decision throughout ur life, u must make sure that she is also not feeling the way u are. Coz if she is, then u must win him back. Winning anything in life by loosing ur love can never bring inner happiness in your life, how so ever higher u go....
sissy106 Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Well I read few of ur old threads and get to know that ur ex started dating u while she was already in other relationship... this can be tough. If she had really cheated u multiple times then u should definitely get over her. But dont be desparate to fell into another relationship in a hurry. Dont force urself for other gals. Take ur time, u will get a good girl with whom u need not to put lots of efforts, after all u were in love with someone once. So, u gotta have that instinct to know how other person is feeling about u. All the best for ur studies.
Author confused836 Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 Yes we had a rocky start to our relationship. I just went online and saw pictures of her and her bf. They seem very happy together. I don't know why I do this to myself - its like I'm purposely hurting myself. I think I just remember this weekend (to the date) a year ago and it just brought back memories so I was tempted to see what she is up to. I told myself not to a million times but I guess I have no willpower.
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 I just went online and saw pictures of her and her bf. They seem very happy together. I don't know why I do this to myself - its like I'm purposely hurting myself. I do the same thing sometimes and kick myself for it. I've only done it maybe 2-3 times but it hurts less each time I look, it only sinks in more that it's over. I have the website blocked on my router so it gives me a little time to reconsider before I unblock it and take a peek. I don't think it's bad that you looked, but don't make a habit out of it, don't get obsessed about it. I don't plan on looking ever again, but who knows in a weak moment.
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