malou Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 My husband and I have been married for nine years. Ours is a very chill relationship. We rarely fight, get along great, laugh a lot together etc. I love him and have never regretted being with him. He is not jealous at all, and I have always known that if I were ever attracted to someone else that he would not freak out if I pursued that to some extent. So in a way, knowing that I had permission to do what I'm going to tell you about next made it easier to do. The downside is that there is not a lot of passion in our relationship, but that is a topic for a different thread. Last spring, my husband and I were living in another country under difficult circumstances. I felt very lonely and isolated. I was on Facebook a lot. There, I started getting closer and closer to an old friend of mine, someone I had had a bit of a crush on ever since I first laid eyes on him 15 years ago. Well, he was going through a very tumultuous time, and I guess I was too, so we were there for each other. That's how the spark got rekindled and we ended up in this passionate entanglement. When I got back to the states this summer, I saw him twice. We did and said a lot of crazy things in the name of star-crossed love, but we never had sex. There was physical contact but no sex, as I felt that this would be something I could not tell my husband about, and I wanted to keep that shred of integrity. I was honest with my husband, which I really thought would protect me from having to deal with the terrible consequences of affairs (including guilt) that I have read about. That so did not turn out to be the case. I have the same guilt and same sense of loss as everyone else in this situation. And also a lot of confusion. The other guy had plans to move far away, and we always told each other that when he moved, that would be the end of it. This was supposed to be for the protection of everyone involved. We were going to stay friends, but no more hanky-panky. I was going to take all this newfound energy and perspective and invest it in my marriage. All of this could maybe have been achieved if it had not been for my out-of-control feelings. The guy did move away, and seems to have moved on fairly quickly. My husband has never held it against me, and has been as stable and loving as ever. However, my world is still shattered. I feel like the doors of my soul have been blown open, my internal landscape has been incinerated and he has vandalized the sky with his name in big letters. I think about him every second of every day, and feel utterly alone. I go to therapy, and this has been helpful. But I still have not been able to move on after two, almost three months. The other guy (who is interesting and seductive but significantly flawed) never set me up with any false hopes. My husband never withdrew his support. The whole thing didn't last that long. When I ask myself what this other guy could give me that would make things better, there is nothing. I don't want him to come back to me. Or maybe I do, but I also know that this would be a recipe for disaster, given the intense nature of my feelings and inability to control them. For a while, we were still talking, but that was really painful (for me, not him), so we stopped. I stayed out of contact with him for a month. I told him I would write to him on the first day of rain, thinking I would be in good enough shape emotionally to resume our friendship. I was wrong. When that day came two days ago, I ended up pouring my heart out and now regret it. Part of why I regret it is that I still have not received a response. But when I put myself in his position, it is easy to see that nothing he could say would really be adequate, especially if he is over it and I am still in the worst pain of my life (and yet insisting that there is nothing he could say or do to alleviate that pain). So I guess total NC is the way to go. Maybe my main question is, has anyone else been through anything similar? If so, did you heal? In the meantime, does anyone have any tips for staying focused on reality? I have not been able to focus on work, our house is a mess, I am basically minimally functional as a result of all this and there is no end in sight. Please help. Thanks.
kamani Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 (edited) I understand your situation. How long have you continued the affair? The greater the time, the more your communication, the more longer it would take to heal. Yes I have been there, not the exact situation, but something similar. Someone unavailable. I had to live in the same house with him, we were relatives, no one else knew it. This gave me hell, as every time I wanted to stop it, he didn't want to. I could never go or allowed to continue 'No Contact'. The end was a disaster, even my mum came to know it. Yet I survived suffered a long time but it healed. Now I'm happily married and lead a very good family life. There is nothing you can do in particular. I warrant you progress in another three months. But you have to strictly adhere to NC. It appears that you have broken it. NC is not 'limited contact' and should avoid even the sight of him. I think he understands it, and repects your well being as well as his own. He doesn't want to be the 'home wrecker'. Try your best to avoid anything that reminds you of him. I'm glad that your husband is very understanding. Not many women get that sort of husbands. Be happy and always be romantic with him. Go on a vacation. There is no pain that would last forever. Good Luck. Edited October 25, 2012 by kamani
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