little_consequence Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 So it has been 5 months since my ex and I officially broke it off. Eight or nine months since we first started discussing breaking up. This is one of those rough nights, where I have stupidly broken the no contact rule and shouldnt have because it has only made me feel worse. My ex has always had issues with commitment. Her mum died when she was young, she never had her dad around and she was sent to live with her abusive nan when she was 11. My ex has always lacked empathy for my problems and would always throw in my face that people had cancer etc so why should I complain if I felt ill? Things like that. Although it was hard I would bite my tongue because I knew why she said these things. My ex also had to have cognitive behavioural therapy for OCD, which at times was crippling for her. It made her snappy, angry, tearful, antisocial... it was hard for me to see her like that and hard to be treated badly. Before we would go out anywhere she would hide in the bathroom for hours and then act resentful that I had brought her tickets to a show or anything. Over time I stopped buying tickets and we stopped going out as much, just because it was too hard. We had sex around once every six weeks and I would usually cry because I felt she was just doing it to make me happy. Sometimes it would be amazing and I felt so close to her. Other times I would feel upset, pressured, resented. I know all of the faults in our relationship. But I do love her. I do. When my ex started getting better from her OCD she dumped me because she wanted to be single, but we got back together. It made me realise that she was very much about herself and her own survival. She felt she wanted to enjoy life, get attention and be able to enjoy it. Because of her insecurities she would accuse me of looking for someone new at times. This would cause arguments. I am not perfect. I know I sometimes behaved badly. For example, my ex would be like two different people and at home was moody, monosyllabic and depressed. In public she would be the life and sould and was very charismatic. I became jealous of the people who saw this amazing side. I wanted my girlfriend to be like that all the time. Not just to people on the outside world. I became resentful and blunt about it. My ex would say she was going out for a couple of hours but would be home for dinner or to watch a movie and would then arrive home hours later. I would blank her and be moody which she took as me not wanting her to have a life. Admittedly I was jealous of these people having an amazing time with my girlfriend, but she had also promised to have dinner / watch a movie with me. When my exes OCD returned she panicked and decided that she hated living in a flat with her girlfriend, hated having a dog, hated paying rent, hated responsibility. All of these things were evil. My ex decided, despite oweing about 5k on credit cards, to go travel the world and find herself. She tried to talk me into going with her at times, but other times talked about breaking up with me. She had started a course and had taken on views from it. Like how people should not be with one person for the rest of their life, we are all animals etc. Weird views for someone who doesnt even like sex. My ex had no idea what she wanted or who she wanted and even tried to get me to sell our dog so she could have extra cash for travelling. That broke my heart. Through this time of talk of travelling the world and break ups I had a health scare. I was told I could have cancer, and needed to have half of my thyroid removed. I didnt have cancer, but my ex, who had only very recently become my ex and was still trying to kiss me, share a bed with me, etc, didnt even visit me in hospital... and joined facebook sites about having flings instead of life long loves during my operation, much to my sisters rage. My ex, during the time of kind of being my ex, but still wanting to kiss me, hold me, and have me as a gf, shared a bed with a girl who liked her. My ex never shares beds with other people, regardless of whether we were together or not she would have shared with me. They stayed in bed together until 4pm and at one point I walked in and the girl was spooning into the back of my ex. Ripped my heart out. My ex and this girl had discussed travelling together... they are probably together right now. I hate having that thought. Of the two of them. So I broke no contact tonight and told my ex that sometimes the pain is so hard I can barely breathe. She asked why did I tell her that when she is at fault for the pain? I havent replied. I want this pain to go away. I have tried dating but I have no faith in love and feel like I am mucking other girls about. I dont intentionally. I have told them I only want to date and take things slow. I cant deal with a relationship right now. I just dont have any faith.
River Rain Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 I'm sad that you're going through such pain. Breaking no contact starts you all over again. It's hard to accept that you gave so much and then it's over and she's moved on, but you have to accept it. You have no choice. The choice is misery/holding on to false hope/good memories...or reality, she's moved on, she doesn't want to be with you anymore/ you deserve better and you WILL get over this with time, distraction and a lot of courage on your part.
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