When a guy is seriously interested, he will jump through flaming hoops for you

[Eternal Sunshine]

Just a bit of a rant.

 

Basically, in dating, even in very early dating - it is pretty obvious who is interested and sees long term potential in you and who is not. Any hesitation, vague re-scheduling etc.... you may just as well give up then and there (unless you are looking for something casual).

 

Some may say that nobody can be strongly interested until some time has passed but I disagree. If you think back to when you started dating a person that turned into a LTR, you just KNEW within first few dates that there is something special there. You were drawn to spend time with that person. You thought about them a lot, and could barely contain yourself not to text/call them.

 

Sure, Sally met John and John was lukewarm but eventually developed feelings- all those stories, however rare make me still skeptical. In most cases John wanted to settle down, so he settled for Sally.

 

If you look at things this way, it's pretty easy to weed out time wasters before heavy emotional investment is made.

 

Finally, watch the movie Two Lovers, one of the truest love stories ever made. The painful difference where guy is passionately in love with one girl and is prepared to do whatever it takes and eventually settling and committing to another after the first girl rejected him. If you watch the vague way he acted with the girl he eventually settled for, and going to the rooftop at 4am on no sleep just to talk for a few minutes with a girl he was passionately in love with.

 

We need to accept nothing less but being the 4am rooftop girl

[zanesfan]

I agree.

 

Dating is much harder now. Things have changed dramatically. It basically went from asking a woman out on dates, to texting her. Men paying for dates and now expecting women to go dutch or even pay. Men are more concerned with a fwb relationship vs the real thing. And yes, some women are the same way.

 

We are in it for what we can get from it, no matter who we hurt in the process.

[january2011]

We need to accept nothing less but being the 4am rooftop girl

 

....who doesn't end up with the guy!

 

I'm really not sure that's something I'd want, ES. It's brave and romantic to be "the one that got away" but I'd rather have both and spend the rest of my life with someone who is passionate about me.*

 

Either/or seems like a booby prize.

[Feelin Frisky]

I haven't seen the movie but I have gone through some serious hoops. Word to the wise is don't get used. Being too accommodating can give you away as fool. But if you're a genuinely decent women, you know when you're being an ass. Maybe we all have to suffer some hard knocks on how much is worthwhile or are you just so taken with someone you'll be their bitch until they hurt you.

[Citizen Erased]

As long as you're not lighting those hoops on fire yourself and throwing them in his path.

[xxoo]

I really liked the movie Two Lovers, but do you think that Phoenix's character and roof girl would have lived happily ever after, if only she'd chosen him? I wonder if he'd have had the same passion for her if she had been stable and available to him.

 

That said, I agree that there should be no doubt of a man's love, attraction, and adoration, just as there should be no doubt of a woman's. Reading here, and watching friends IRL, it seems that people are jaded and don't want to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is a necessary part of the equation.

[Els]

On the surface, I agree with this. However, I think some women ruin the R for themselves by expecting the guy to constantly prove his love for them by jumping through flaming hoops. One or two hoops is incredibly romantic in the early stages... but anyone gets tired of the expectation constantly being there, of his love for her constantly being tested, especially if it isn't reciprocated. Even if he was really, really into her at the start. It begins to reveal her as insecure, needy, and selfish.

[yongyong]

So is that what you are going to do with a death metal guy?

 

you seem like you are all over him but are you going to just sit back, throw some hoops and see if he obliges? ROFL

 

So can you have a respect for a guy who jumps through hoops and show his belly lying on the floor like a Dog?

[TheBigQuestion]

Strange. You do realize that conventional wisdom among men nowadays is that appearing too eager to please is quite a turn-off to women? Sure, there's a line between "romantic" and "overbearing," but most men are taught to err on the side of caution. Perhaps you are into guys who are willing to trip over themselves to please you from day one, but I hardly think you'll find widespread agreement. Or rather, you might find agreement in words, but most likely not in deeds.

[xxoo]

Strange. You do realize that conventional wisdom among men nowadays is that appearing too eager to please is quite a turn-off to women?

 

Advice changes, but human nature doesn't change so much.

 

When a man is very interested, it is going to show.

[Ninjainpajamas]

If a woman could see what a man that is really into a woman acts like versus the same guy who is lukewarm throughout the relationship as you pine for his crumbs of reciprocating affections...their jaws would hit the floor as well as be heartbroken at the same time to see the same man that they love acting and feeling so much differently and showing it with a woman in a completely different way when they are truly head over heels for someone.

 

The thing is that guy more than likely can't get the girl that he really wants to be with and she doesn't have the self-respect to find the romance or let's not be unrealistic, relationship that she's really looking for.

 

But if you ask the world it's not even about romance..what is that! It's about finding that person who meets the most qualities out of a short shopping list with just about any significant level of emotion to go with it like it's a side dish and then developing feelings based on that. Because after all, that's how it's supposed to work right? picking and choosing who you love to the best of your ability?

 

I swear if people actually had the balls and dignity to wait for something worthwhile instead of taking the easiest or most convenient way out instead of being alone or feeling sorry for themselves because they might not be able to find anything better then I'm sure the planet would explode an instant.

 

It today's world most people are as follows;

 

Women settle for less, wishing there was more...

 

Men settle for less, fantasizing about someone else...

 

And people wonder why I can be so bitter look at 99 percent of the posts on LS people, it's mostly BS! So wouldn't you treat as more of a "game" than "true love"?

 

Answer me that and I give you 3 cookies (chocolate chip)! and you don't even have to explain the "romance" lacking from any particular post that's supposed to be about love in general.

 

Romance........HA!

[xdahliax]

Strange. You do realize that conventional wisdom among men nowadays is that appearing too eager to please is quite a turn-off to women? Sure, there's a line between "romantic" and "overbearing," but most men are taught to err on the side of caution. Perhaps you are into guys who are willing to trip over themselves to please you from day one, but I hardly think you'll find widespread agreement. Or rather, you might find agreement in words, but most likely not in deeds.

 

I agree with this. I suppose a lot of women are romantic at heart, but they prefer to err on the side of caution because of past experiences. In movies, we can see the guy's motives. In real life, we wonder if he's normal as soon as he does something out of the ordinary. It's not that we don't want the extravagance, we're just alarmed.

[Carenth]

I agree to a point. However if you are intentionally hurling hoops at me I would lose interest very quickly, even if I did like you a lot. I don't like games and been made to feel like a chum.

[SteveC80]

Advice changes, but human nature doesn't change so much.

 

When a man is very interested, it is going to show.

 

and when a women is interested it should show

 

Women seem to want to lay back and have the man do all thew work so she doesnt have to be vulenrable and put her ass on the line only the man

[SmileFace]

So I must look for a guy who is jumping thru hoops to get to some other girl who probably think he is a nut?

[xxoo]

and when a women is interested it should show

 

I agree. In fact I said that right here:

 

That said, I agree that there should be no doubt of a man's love, attraction, and adoration, just as there should be no doubt of a woman's. Reading here, and watching friends IRL, it seems that people are jaded and don't want to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is a necessary part of the equation.

[spiderowl]

I agree that if someone is interested they will go the extra mile, but I have come to a conclusion about one thing: if you are unsure about the other person, they will detect it at some level and act unsure or erratic themselves. This results in both people feeling unsure and backing off. Point is, what you might interpret as the other person not being interested might in fact be you not being so interested in them. Their non-commital behaviour is a result of them sensing this. So, the gradual falling apart of what superficially seems like a promising relationship is already determined. Each person feels they are not responsible for its demise, when they may well be.

[xxoo]

It today's world most people are as follows;

 

Women settle for less, wishing there was more...

 

Men settle for less, fantasizing about someone else...

 

And people wonder why I can be so bitter look at 99 percent of the posts on LS people, it's mostly BS! So wouldn't you treat as more of a "game" than "true love"?

 

No, demand better for yourself. Opt out of the "game", and find the real thing.

[Woggle]

As long as you're not lighting those hoops on fire yourself and throwing them in his path.

 

You said it best. This goes both ways. If a woman is truly interested she will put in the extra effort as well. No matter how much I love a woman I am not jumping through hoops she herself set on fire.

[kaylan]

When anyone, man or woman, is seriously interested, they will jump through hoops.

 

/thread

[Pyro]

When anyone, man or woman, is seriously interested, they will jump through hoops.

 

/thread

 

Spot on.

 

Both sides will go the extra mile if truly interested.

[NoMoreJerks]

I agree.

 

Dating is much harder now. Things have changed dramatically. It basically went from asking a woman out on dates, to texting her. Men paying for dates and now expecting women to go dutch or even pay. Men are more concerned with a fwb relationship vs the real thing. And yes, some women are the same way.

Amen. Most of the men I have met are really only looking for FWB, but often it is very difficult to tell that this is what they are looking for, rather than a relationship... Most men do not even say that outright, and try to hide it under layers and layers of seemingly "romantic" behaviour. In the end? You have vested so much feelings and time into them, and end up being told that he didn't see you as a partner/lover, but as a friend he was having sex with. I am truly disgusted. Now? I refuse to fall into the same trap, so unless a man proves his interest time and again(for at least the first few months), I will not put out, will not pay for my dinners, will not wear my heart on my sleeve, etc. I was never the type to expect a man to pay for my dinner or drinks, but I have become that type of a woman because of my experiences with men. I realize now that being "easygoing" can really make men think that you are FWB material after all. I want to filter out those kinds of men, so it's counter-productive to act that way (natural as it might be for me), from the start. Once we reach a certain level in our relationship I will start acting that way.

[Imported]

 

 

We need to accept nothing less but being the 4am rooftop girl

 

Good luck with that.

[TheBigQuestion]

Advice changes, but human nature doesn't change so much.

 

When a man is very interested, it is going to show.

 

I agree, but not every person will develop a smoldering attraction for another on the first date and then eagerly jump through hoops thereafter. And similarly, not every person will take said eagerness in the same way. Some women, like the OP, will find it flattering. Others will find it annoying or consider it a sign of weakness. Attraction and affection that builds gradually is not inferior to attraction and affection that is sparked at day one. Similarly, a guy who isn't willing to drop everything in the blink of an eye for someone he has probably only spent a few hours with isn't necessarily indicating that he is low-interest; rather, he's someone who understands how to prioritize his life.

[TheBigQuestion]

Amen. Most of the men I have met are really only looking for FWB, but often it is very difficult to tell that this is what they are looking for, rather than a relationship... Most men do not even say that outright, and try to hide it under layers and layers of seemingly "romantic" behaviour. In the end? You have vested so much feelings and time into them, and end up being told that he didn't see you as a partner/lover, but as a friend he was having sex with. I am truly disgusted. Now? I refuse to fall into the same trap, so unless a man proves his interest time and again(for at least the first few months), I will not put out, will not pay for my dinners, will not wear my heart on my sleeve, etc. I was never the type to expect a man to pay for my dinner or drinks, but I have become that type of a woman because of my experiences with men. I realize now that being "easygoing" can really make men think that you are FWB material after all. I want to filter out those kinds of men, so it's counter-productive to act that way (natural as it might be for me), from the start. Once we reach a certain level in our relationship I will start acting that way.

 

I understand that a lot of men (and women) will not be clear about what their intentions are for a relationship, and that's unfortunate. However, by taking the hard-line approach you've taken, you could easily be self-sabotaging. A lot of men, perfectly good men, absolutely want "easy-going" women as their girlfriends. Very few men want to date stuck-up women with 5-page long lists of expectations of how he is to interact with her in the first few months. I've been pretty good boyfriend material for the past two years (or so I've been told ), and if my girlfriend had told me that she had the expectation of me paying for most/all of our dates and activities, even before we had achieved any official committed status, I would've ducked out of that relationship not because I didn't like her, but because I find that attitude to be absolutely reprehensible. If I get the impression or am told outright that I have to act like the walking wallet for all our activities, it doesn't matter how much I like a woman, she would've gotten nexted.

Edited October 25, 2012 by TheBigQuestion