meribel Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 I have been dating a man aged 58 for the last 6 weeks. I'm a 41, single mother with 2 teenaged boys. I'd been single for a few years now......I am starting to feel I am falling in love with him and I want it to be in a good way. He says 'don't fall in love with me...I'm a nightmare', he's told me how he cheated in his two long term relationships....but that's 'in the past now'.... In the last month we have shared so many close moments...our sex life is amazing. I feel we click intellectually and emotionally. He's planning things in the future with me without my hinting or pushing for this. I was brought up to be independent and support myself....I cant keep up with him financially, which is making me feel overwhelmed by his financial status (and not in a good way).....I have also always thought actions were more important than words.....the actions say he wants to protect and care for me.... the words say 'I'm not in love.....'
kaylan Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 (edited) OP you gotta be smart about this, and Ill go through piece by piece why this is a hugely bad idea. Be logical, dont think with just your emotions, as often times emotions are irrational when not coupled with the logical thinking mind. I have been dating a man aged 58 for the last 6 weeks. I'm a 41, single mother with 2 teenaged boys. I'd been single for a few years now......I am starting to feel I am falling in love with him and I want it to be in a good way. You are 41! Youve JUST entered middle age, and this guys is exiting middle age and entering senior hood. What do you expect to gain from this? Dont you want someone closer to your age who you can grow old with, and wont have to maybe take care of while youre still young? You already have two sons to take care of. He says 'don't fall in love with me...I'm a nightmare', he's told me how he cheated in his two long term relationships....but that's 'in the past now'....Hes giving you a fair warning. Why bring a nightmare relationship into your household? Trust me, if he messes up itll cause a lot of drama with your sons...especially two hormone filled angsty teens. In the last month we have shared so many close moments...our sex life is amazing. I feel we click intellectually and emotionally. He's planning things in the future with me without my hinting or pushing for this. Hes 58....how much longer will he be able to keep up with you sexually? Thats a realistic question to ask. You guys click and hes doing all this planning, but hes still quite older, and warned you that he is trouble in a relationship. I was brought up to be independent and support myself....I cant keep up with him financially, which is making me feel overwhelmed by his financial status (and not in a good way).....I have also always thought actions were more important than words.....the actions say he wants to protect and care for me.... the words say 'I'm not in love.....'Sounds to me like hes trying to use his money to buy a younger womans sex and affection without actually committing to her or giving her love. Be smart about this OP. Edited October 25, 2012 by kaylan
clia Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Listen to the words! I don't understand why so many women insist on ignoring what men say. He is telling you the truth when he says he's a nightmare. Listen to him and run away fast!
Author meribel Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 Thank you for your responses.....I completely understand that my emotions are starting to take over, and I can't bring drama into my life, but I also have to look at what he does as well as says. So far he's brought me nothing but happiness. He's been great with me, and I'm not sure if the warnings he gave me earlier on really stand up against his behaviour (so far). If it's good why end it now? Having said that, after talking with a friend last night he said exactly the same things to me. He thinks he's using his money to impress me. My friend also said once a cheater always a cheater....although I don't think that's always the case the older you get. As for the age gap, it doesn't really bother me as he's in pretty good shape. I've been out with younger men who haven't had his energy and enthusiasm. He has been hurt in the past. Both times he cheated the relationships were on the rocks, and the last one ended 7 years ago. I think he's wary of my feelings for him as he has probably thought I am only interested in him because of his money. He's away for a few days so I am going to try and make a decision before he gets back as to what I am going to do next so any advice or insight is helpful
Balzac Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 ..I cant keep up with him financially, which is making me feel overwhelmed by his financial status (and not in a good way)..... This makes no sense to me. He's aware you are a single mother and if he's generous to you, many ways for you to reciprocate absent a big spend.
mysteryscape Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 "He's planning things in the future with me without my hinting or pushing for this." I wouldn't give up on this guy. It sounds like he is being forthright about his imperfections and past. Would it be better if he withheld that stuff? I would try not to go overboard with my emotions, I would see where it goes. What things is he "planning in the future"? I'd really pay attention to that.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 This is the calm before the storm 58, it's funny how a man of his age is still using the same rhetoric as a guy who's half his age or more, I guess old habits die hard even in your 50's. But rest assured, he will make you regret this naivety, he's pulling you into a nice safety net because everything is going so great and he's treating you well...awww so perfect! but he's giving you those little hints so when the time comes ::explosion sound:: he's to F you up and blow you out of the water. It's funny how he victimizes himself as well saying how he got hurt, what a crock of crap what men to say to women lol, like I said completely typical and generic meribel, I'm not sure why this is like a new stone being turned over but it's obvious you are not familiar with the dating world or men like this...I can assure you knowing A LOT about men like this that this guy is spinning the same crap and stories these other guys are doing today, don't believe it, don't believe those emotions and fantasy that you see in your head, everything comes at a price and you're racking up the tab, he definitely sounds like his cheating/womanizing days are not over. It also sounds like he's using certain strategies to woo you, or that would normally woo other women...It's that false sense of security. I'm sure there are warnings but they are flying right over your head and the more emotional you become the more blinded you will become, not to mention he's planning the future...guess what? the future isn't here yet, don't bank on it. And realize if he's got money, then money is less of an object for him, it's something he may expend easily to impress. When a man says don't fall in love with him...don't be an idiot, trust him, that means he's already planned on breaking your heart. It's not a test or a challenge, It's a fools bet. I can't believe this guy is almost 60 and still spinning this game, it's comical and depressing at the same time, you could have told me he was in his 20's or 30's and I'd have believed you, this guys a sad case. And don't make it about the money, it has nothing to do with it, let his old ass spend it on you until he croaks over.
dasein Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 The age gap itself is a nonissue. People are capable of having a normal physical life, sexually or otherwise, well into their 70s and even 80s today. If you are happy with the sex life, it's unlikely he's going to change in 5 or 10 years, much longer than the average relationship lasts today. Carpe diem. The "I'm a nightmare" comment, though, gives pause. Also the cheating history. I couldn't date someone who admits to having cheated in the past due to harsh lessons learned from doing so, unless the cheating was in the far distant past and there was some kind of real mitigating factor in addition. The money difference is also a nonissue. No idea why people are jumping to "he's trying to buy you." If an older man wants to buy a woman, he will generally buy a 30 something without baggage (plenty of those for sale, go to any charity event), not a single mom over 40. In all likelihood, he has gathered wealth and is damn sure going to enjoy it while dating and socially, not thinking about buying or selling women. In your shoes, I'd watch his actions moreso than worrying about what he says in pillow talk or otherwise, tone back your emotional involvement until he starts making exclusive noises, seeking to include you in all aspects of his life, introducing you to friends, etc., and continue as long as you are enjoying yourself. 1
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