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Finally the truth came out...Ex is back with his Ex

SoConfusedAndInShock

By SoConfusedAndInShock
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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SoConfusedAndInShock Established Member

SoConfusedAndInShock

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After not speaking for each other for nearly 4 months i finally came face to face with the ugly truth a couple of days ago. And to think that i was doing so good moving on.... I have just slowly recovered from my wounds (thanks to NC) but now I have to experience yet another heartbreak. i found out that my ex has been back with his ex and thus the reason why he fell off the face of the earth. He was back with her few days after h ended it with me.

 

We dated for to 2 yrs and few weeks later hes back with his short lived ex with whom he was with before i came into the picture. They dated long distance for about 3 months and for the most part all he ever said about her was how annoying she was and all he wants to do is be friends but she declined that and went crazy.

 

At the moment idk how i feel. im mad and so overwhelmed. I'm thinking that i should have seen this coming as he's NEVER been single (always jumped from one relationship to another) our relationship is the longest hes ever been in. any other girl hes even been with never lasted over 3 months. i just don't know what to make out of this honestly. when we first met (like few months after they ended their relationship) she begged, pleaded, professed her love all over Facebook and always blew up his phone. then after a while she kind of stopped or so i was told. but then again idk what to believe after finding this out. How can someone bluntly sacrifice your heart, love, time, energy, emotion, & trust for someone they wanted nothing to do with? im beyond hurt all over again. disgust and anger doesn't do justice to what i feel towards him at the moment and if i could delete that part of my life i would. now i feel like he always had feeling for her and everything about us was all a lie. i'm sure she's happy as hell to have finally gotten him back.

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SoConfusedAndInShock Established Member

SoConfusedAndInShock

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hello...anyone?

veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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Wow, that is a difficult thing to find out, I'm so sorry. How did you find out? This is a set-back in your recovery, for sure, but hopefully you will bounce back quickly thanks to the NC you maintained for 4 mos (that's awesome). Sorry :(

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SoConfusedAndInShock Established Member

SoConfusedAndInShock

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a common friend was good enough to say the truth but i didnt believe it so i checked online and there it was....everything he did with me, hes doing it with her. how can he have the heart to just do that? now i know why he deleted all his social networking sites. why try to keep it a secret on his side when shes like waving it all around for everyone to see. ugh screw it just my luck :(

january2011 Established Member

january2011

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This happened to me, except we spent 10+ years together. They are now married and have a child.

 

I try very hard not to be bitter about it as that doesn't help me to move forward with my own life. All I can do is to focus on me and those who actually want to be in my life.

 

It is very easy to fall into the trap of deep regret and feeling like you wasted those years. But they happened. You can't turn back the clock. All you can do is learn the lessons and focus on your present and future.

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SoConfusedAndInShock Established Member

SoConfusedAndInShock

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This happened to me, except we spent 10+ years together. They are now married and have a child.

 

I try very hard not to be bitter about it as that doesn't help me to move forward with my own life. All I can do is to focus on me and those who actually want to be in my life.

 

It is very easy to fall into the trap of deep regret and feeling like you wasted those years. But they happened. You can't turn back the clock. All you can do is learn the lessons and focus on your present and future.

 

 

But what is the lesson here? never trust a soul? never love again? what do u learn from this kind of thing? that people can be so damn heartless..? im just so hurt by all this.

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SoConfusedAndInShock Established Member

SoConfusedAndInShock

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so is she a rebound or was this meant to happen? i have a feeling they kept in touch the whole time since it was so easy for him to drop my ass and never look back after 2 yrs...what do you guys think?

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SoConfusedAndInShock Established Member

SoConfusedAndInShock

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From what I am told on here...

 

Nobody gets back together with an Ex.

 

Even though a lot of people on here are dumped by someone who does just that.

 

what do you mean by that? Can you please elaborate

carhill Established Member

carhill

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To quote Ronald Regan - 'Trust, but verify'

 

Most of the OP, unless verified independently, was hearsay, meaning the OP heard what her BF told her, trusted it but did not verify it, and repeated it here.

 

For those who date/LTR/M people who overlap relationships, or who are single for ten seconds, trusting with verification becomes a greater part of emotional health IMO. Or the truth comes out..... eventually.

 

My sympathies.

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venusianx13 Established Member

venusianx13

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I've been in your position twice. There are counterintuitive red flags, I think, about this sort of thing.

 

During my senior year of HS, I met a guy who was involved with someone, but we had very strong attraction for one another and he ended up ending it with his girlfriend and pursuing me, eventually. However, his ex began harassing us, blowing up his phone, etc. In hindsight, I should have known that the only reason she kept doing this was because HE didn't put a stop to it. I suspect they spoke when I wasn't around. Second, he only spoke ill of her - constantly. For some reason, at that time, I took this as verification that he really did not care for her. Now, however, I see that quite the opposite is true. When someone cannot shut up about another person, even if it's all negative, chances are, there's something still there. Weeks after he and I broke up after almost 2 years, he was with her again. Now, they are married. In all honesty, I am glad for them. I see she was a better match for him in many ways.

 

Second time, I was long broken up with my son's dad, but he ended up re-dating a girl he spoke really badly of on a few occasions during our relationship. I wasn't the one who was hurt in this case, as he had ended up cheating on his fiance at the time (much to my disgust), but looking back, I can see the red flags, loud and clear, that this was bound to happen at some point.

 

I think the best indicator that someone is over their ex is that mention of them is sparse, but that when they do mention them, for whatever reason, it's neutral in nature, and for the most part, respectful. Weird, isn't it? But if you really think about it, it makes the most sense. :o

 

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position... I remember how it stings. You may not see it now, but I promise you will move on to better things.

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SoConfusedAndInShock Established Member

SoConfusedAndInShock

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you both make a lot of sense and i really do appreciate the replies! i did try my best to find out the truth when we were together. i made sure that they had no contact, but in all honesty if someone wants to lie and keep in contact with another person they will find a way without you ever knowing. ugh im so hurt and sad all over again....i just hope he gets what he deserves soon or later.

venusianx13 Established Member

venusianx13

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you both make a lot of sense and i really do appreciate the replies! i did try my best to find out the truth when we were together. i made sure that they had no contact, but in all honesty if someone wants to lie and keep in contact with another person they will find a way without you ever knowing. ugh im so hurt and sad all over again....i just hope he gets what he deserves soon or later.

 

 

You're right... people can be completely deceptive, I know this from experience. And it hurts like hell. However, in your post, I see other red flags...just make sure you remember them for the future. I'm sure you could pin down more (red flags), if you think about it. Just commit them to memory (aka wisdom). ;)

 

Yes, he will "get his" someday, and the same applies to the rest of us. I try to always remember this, because I hold a strong belief in karma. I think that if you focus on doing good unto others, good things are bound to come back to you. During my most difficult break-up almost a year ago, I tried to do as much good as I could for others (despite how crappy I felt)... and better things came for me, eventually. Perhaps telling you this will give you hope. :)

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21flames Established Member

21flames

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That's terrible, sorry you had to find out.

 

Like others have said though, even if the years where a waste of time, they are in the past and you can't get them back you need to focus on the future and you will meet someone who you can trust and will be faithful to you (They do exist) just harder to find.

 

That's what i will be doing, also if you are with a decent person you won't have the worry of suspecting them.

 

It made my life hell and so stressful for nearly 5 years, worrying if she was really going where she said, was where she said, who she's texting or calling, talking to on the net. It's just a living hell.

 

I do miss aspects of are time together and I'm still pissed off with all my wasted time effort etc but at the end of they day I and you are better off without a person that can do that to someone they are ment to love.

 

I actually caught my ex cheating last year, she had a secret phone and she was still in contact with her ex who she married then left for me 3 years before!! It was neutral contact and they where actually discussing her seeing someone behind my back and considering leaving me!!! Unbelievable...Stupidly I stayed after begging me too for her to set up a new life behind my back in less than a year and leave me in the position I'm in now.

 

I'm pretty sure she hasn't got back with him as he remarried but she still has some kind of hold over an ex she treated worse than me, so I have cut her off completely, only 3 weeks nc but that will be my revenge, she's not having any emotional support off me when she feels low, not after ripping my heart out and stamping all over it!

 

And Just think your ex was a sneaky snake and she will never trust him and I doubt it will last.

 

He's someone else s problem now like my ex I know this poor bloke she is with now is going to have to deal with all the suspicion, erratic behavior and bull*hit I had to and he will already of had many lies off her so I will be surprised to see how long that lasts cause relationships should be based on mutual trust not lies.

 

Keep focused, stay strong and do nice things for yourself and be thankful this man is out of your life and can't hurt you anymore.

 

I know it won't be easy but a people like this and my ex do not deserve to make us unhappy anymore and they didn't deserve us and what we gave them in the first place

 

What goes around comes around, Karma has a good way of kicking someone hard up the ass in the future.

 

Stay strong and don't give him any contact.

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january2011 Established Member

january2011

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But what is the lesson here? never trust a soul? never love again? what do u learn from this kind of thing? that people can be so damn heartless..? im just so hurt by all this.

 

The lessons I learned were:

 

  • sh*t happens
  • always have a backup plan, especially a financial one
  • it takes time to heal
  • you will love again
  • don't choose partners who maintain contact with their exes (especially first loves)
  • don't live together without being engaged and a wedding timeline agreed
  • know what you want, what you really really want
  • LS is awesome

You're angry, hurt, lashing out and you won't believe anyone when they tell you that it will get better because your emotions are telling you otherwise.

 

But it will, get better. And one day, you will come out the other side. And you will let this go. You have no choice. You have to get on with the rest of your life.

 

One day, you will decide that you're done crying over him and a switch will flick.

Edited by january2011
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SoConfusedAndInShock Established Member

SoConfusedAndInShock

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Thank you all for the great replies....hearing all these stories from people who've been in my situation is helpful. As painful as it is at the moment I cant wait to look back on this someday and not feel anything. This has been a horrible experience but this too shall pass....I have a feeling these two deserve eachother as they both lie, manipulate, cheat, andare heartless. They're probably gonna get married...

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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I've been in your position twice. There are counterintuitive red flags, I think, about this sort of thing.

 

I met a guy who was involved with someone, but we had very strong attraction for one another and he ended up ending it with his girlfriend and pursuing me, eventually. However, his ex began harassing us, blowing up his phone, etc. In hindsight, I should have known that the only reason she kept doing this was because HE didn't put a stop to it. I suspect they spoke when I wasn't around. Second, he only spoke ill of her - constantly. For some reason, at that time, I took this as verification that he really did not care for her. Now, however, I see that quite the opposite is true. When someone cannot shut up about another person, even if it's all negative, chances are, there's something still there.

 

My ex pulled the exact same s.hit. Same situation. Same everything. He always talked about her, always negative so I also believed he was over it. He actually slipped and called me her name once which was f'ed up in and of itself but then he had the balls to compare us when we were hanging out. I'd do something, or say something and he'd roll his eyes and go, "OKAY... [his ex's name here]!" I'm like... are you kidding me? Don't ever compare me to her or call me her name again.

 

He didn't get back with her. He almost did. What happened was that he wound up cheating on me with her, after ALL the s.hit he spoke about her about how "happy" he was to have found me... he ran right back the second he had a chance, telling her he wasn't sure who he wanted.

 

He didn't chose her, but whatever, he killed our relationship.

 

HUGE red flag and OP that's the lesson here. If you see him still mentioning or bringing up, or talking about or dwelling... WATCH OUT. And don't get deeper.

21flames Established Member

21flames

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Kat

 

I can't believe your boyfriend mentioned his ex like that and made those comments referring to her, what a complete ass hole, how did you put up with that.

 

You should have told him to fook off back to her.

 

Life would be easier if we went with Hindsight though wouldn't it!

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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Kat

 

I can't believe your boyfriend mentioned his ex like that and made those comments referring to her, what a complete ass hole, how did you put up with that.

 

You should have told him to fook off back to her.

 

Life would be easier if we went with Hindsight though wouldn't it!

 

You know what, in the beginning it made sense. He dated her for YEARS meanwhile I had been around for 5 seconds. In my head what he was saying was justified. He had been around her for the past 7 years and he was just used to saying her name out of habit, not mine. So i justified the slipup as simple mistake.

 

And in the beginning we were literally perfect (so i thought) so i thought nothing of it. Everything I found out, I found out years later, and everything i realized was definitely hindsight.

 

But at the end of the day, I wouldn't be where I am, I wouldn't have learned so many lessons, about guys, about myself, about life, if I hadn't have gone through all that.

21flames Established Member

21flames

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Fair Play Kat

 

Things like this happen in life to test us, certainly a very hard test and coming back stronger with more life experience can't be a bad thing.

venusianx13 Established Member

venusianx13

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My ex pulled the exact same s.hit. Same situation. Same everything. He always talked about her, always negative so I also believed he was over it. He actually slipped and called me her name once which was f'ed up in and of itself but then he had the balls to compare us when we were hanging out. I'd do something, or say something and he'd roll his eyes and go, "OKAY... [his ex's name here]!" I'm like... are you kidding me? Don't ever compare me to her or call me her name again.

 

He didn't get back with her. He almost did. What happened was that he wound up cheating on me with her, after ALL the s.hit he spoke about her about how "happy" he was to have found me... he ran right back the second he had a chance, telling her he wasn't sure who he wanted.

 

He didn't chose her, but whatever, he killed our relationship.

 

HUGE red flag and OP that's the lesson here. If you see him still mentioning or bringing up, or talking about or dwelling... WATCH OUT. And don't get deeper.

 

My ex did this also. For the most part, he was passionately hateful toward his ex. The stories were non-stop. I was young and naive, otherwise I would have understood what was really happening. ;) However, I remember becoming angry about somethind he'd done once and he looked at me and said, "Well, Natalie (his ex) would have handled that much better than you did." That was very close to the end. Hahaha...

 

OP, I guarantee you, there will come a day when you are able to look back at this and laugh!!

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