How does being cheated on really feel?

[justcantletgo]

What was your very first reaction on D day? I've always wondered coz I always hear about the roller coaster emotions and I wanna hear from people who have first hand experiences. Please kindly share your experience, what usually triggers it to resurface and how long did it take you to get over it, when you can think about it without feeling anything? Thanks.

[mercy]

Here's a thread that may be useful -

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/353441-how-betrayed-spouse-feels

[Benedictatu]

What was your very first reaction on D day? I've always wondered coz I always hear about the roller coaster emotions and I wanna hear from people who have first hand experiences. Please kindly share your experience, what usually triggers it to resurface and how long did it take you to get over it, when you can think about it without feeling anything? Thanks.

 

My first reaction I did not believe him. He told me he was leaving me he loved another woman and he was looking for a place and then he would leave. I laughed because I did not believe him. Then he did leave. I begged him not to and the kids went too and I thought he would come home if I promised but he did not come and then I had to see him with her and I wanted to die.

[Spark1111]

Complete and utter shock....a numbness, a rushing in my ears and a quickening of my pulse. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think.

 

I couldn't believe it.

 

I kept staring at his cellphone and the words he had texted her and it just did not compute or make sense, as if, this must be some horrible mistake and I have just stepped into some alternate universe...or maybe I'm having one of those wide awake nightmares or hallucinations.

 

Yep, that's stage one: Shock.

 

We had been on a family reunion having a wonderful time; had made really, really sweet love that morning, and he had left for the airport to pick up our children, leaving me with his family and accidentally, his cell phone.

 

I guess she needed reassurance as what man promising to leave his wife takes her away for a romantic weekend BEFORE the family reunion in another state.

 

And there was the reassurance: that she was the one that he wanted, once he reached his financial goals, as if he could buy his way out of the marriage.

 

Liar.

[Spark1111]

PS: he had her disguised as a man on his phone; one he worked with and one I was happy he had a mentor like relationship with.

 

Yep, stupid me! Bet he told her I didn't care and why wouldn't she believe him with the frequency that she called?

 

Bet she didn't know I was led to believe an older, male co-worker was calling.

[tornandconfused12]

Overwhelming suspicion, nervousness, extremely high anxiety, a feeling as though my world had been turned upside down, numb, disgusted, angrier than h*ll (at times), sad, shocked.....every negative emotion you can imagine and all over the place like a roller coaster. All the lies that were discovered.....

 

The worst part for me was thinking I knew all of the details and things would calm down, then more information would come to the surface (either via my husband or some other source [snooping or another person]).

 

My dad passed away unexpectedly about a year ago and I was in shock, numb, angry, depressed, sad. No offense to my father and/or his memory but the experience of finding out what my husband had done was much more harsh. My father passed away and it has been very difficult to deal with. The betrayal via my husband has been very harsh and very unexpected. I would not wish the experience on anyone.

[ComingInHot]

Like Cancer...

In shock when you find out.

Deciding the best form of treatment that will leave you more sick and in pain.

If it's progressed past treatment.

Removing the cancer surgically.

Remission but always fearing it could return while trying to move on and enjoy whatever life you have left.

[GLDheart]

... I've always wondered coz I always hear about the roller coaster emotions and I wanna hear from people who have first hand experiences...

 

I can't quite ignore the almost patronizing way it seems you are asking. It seems like our pain is "no big deal"... like we are afflicted with some strange disease... like what we are going through is some novelty to be explored.

 

With that off my chest. It hurts. Alot. It takes everything that you stand on as a foundation to your world, RIPS it from underneath you, and tosses you into a sea of confusion and mistrust.

 

Oh, and you feel like to everyone else around you "it's no big deal, get over it already"... maybe just a passing novelty to explore with "hey, how's it feel" type questions.

[TexasCountryGirl]

My husband had and affair ... so for me ...

It was anger and betrayal ... but more than that I was just lost and broken. I found myself questioning my entire life ... everything that I knew to be "truth" was suddenly all nothing more than "lies" ... I spent days upon days in waking up with tears ... unable to even get out of the bed before the tears would start again and I would cry myself right back to sleep. When I had finally cried to the point that body was no longer able to produce tears ... I laid there with a splitting headache.

As a child, and even as a young adult, I thought I knew what the word "hate" was. The truth was .. I knew what the word meant according to the dictionary ... I never knew the feeling of hatred really was until this!

[Steadfast]

...like we are afflicted with some strange disease...like what we are going through is some novelty to be explored

 

Agreed. I'm not quite sure what value the question has. It's like asking someone who lost an arm; "Hey, what's it feel like to only have one arm?"

 

That off *my* chest, one emotion I rarely see discussed is the pain that comes from being the object of pity....the vivid recollection that I didn't want to see people; friends or family. I didn't want to keep answering the same questions. The pitiful eyes. The 'you poor man' comments. I felt ugly, unloved and rejected and the last thing I wanted was to go somewhere and be reminded that I felt ugly, unloved and rejected.

 

The value of this forum, IMO, is connecting with those who've experienced the same issues and sharing ideas on how to battle back. It is a battle.

[TexasCountryGirl]

Agreed. I'm not quite sure what value the question has. It's like asking someone who lost an arm; "Hey, what's it feel like to only have one arm?"

 

That off *my* chest, one emotion I rarely see discussed is the pain that comes from being the object of pity....the vivid recollection that I didn't want to see people; friends or family. I didn't want to keep answering the same questions. The pitiful eyes. The 'you poor man' comments. I felt ugly, unloved and rejected and the last thing I wanted was to go somewhere and be reminded that I felt ugly, unloved and rejected.

 

The value of this forum, IMO, is connecting with those who've experienced the same issues and sharing ideas on how to battle back. It is a battle.

 

 

PITY ...

100% agreed .. you just hit the nail on the head !

I hid in my room where I could cry in private ... I didn't want to see anyone .. speak to anyone .. and certainly didn't want to hear "how sorry other people were that I was having to go through all of this !!!"

The worst comment was ... "OMG I'm so sorry .. you don't deserve this!!!"

That single comment would send me over the roof 99% of the time!!!

I just wanted to smack people upside the head and say ... thanks for the clarification .. I mean I knew I didn't deserve it but now that you have clarified it ... I feel so much better now! (bunch of retards!)

[beenburned]

I remember feeling very ashamed that I was married to someone that would cheat on me.

 

But everyone that knew me, knew I was a good caring loving person, that in no way ever deserved to be treated like that.

 

People now looked at him differently. They lost respect for him, they no longer trusted him or what he said, they viewed him as not being very smart to act in this manner.(nice way to say dumb ass:laugh:)

[GLDheart]

...That single comment would send me over the roof 99% of the time!!!... (bunch of retards!)

 

For me it's "It's not so bad. It could always be worse!". I want to scream everytime someone tries to comfort me with that crap. It totally takes away my right to FEEL anything. SERIOUSLY. I already know "it could always be worse"... I can think of a million ways "it could be worse". BUT JUST THE WAY IT IS, IT STILL SUCKS MONKEY BELLS.

[taya]

its feels like you were not good enough so it makes you wonder whats wrong with you, but nothing is wrong with you ..the person is just slut hahaha:eek:

[Fishermanj]

D-day for me was 2 days ago. Literally 48 hours. Thinking back to the exact moment when my wife was cooking dinner in the kitchen, I was telling her about my day, I leaned in and kissed her hello, she looked at me and said, " I have to tell you something." And the way she said it, the look on her face, I was hoping for "your mom died". I love my mom tremendously, but in this moment, you hope for it. What came next will stop your heart, at least a second, you don't breathe, you don't even want to, you physically feel oxygen depleting from your body, you feel weak, you start to tremble, then you notice the first heart beat back in your chest. It isn't a normal heartbeat, it is slow and you can feel the blood squeezing out of it slower than usual. Now you breathe in through your nose, it isn't a normal breath, it's deeper and deliberate. You need to think about this breath to distract you from what was just said. Your heartbeat now is out of control, it's beating funny eratic and fast. The adrenaline is causing you to have more clarity than you ever wanted to. It's the fight or flight response kicking in now. It's like you are watching the worst horror film at that moment that everyone turns away and peeks through their hands, but you have no hands to prepare for it. You have to watch and listen to this fully alert. Then you collapse, every feeling you ever had of warmth is gone. Your chest feels empty. Then you feel physically sick. If you are like me, you nearly run for the bathroom to puke or maybe you actually do. After these seconds are over, your mind starts racing, questioning everything. Including, "is what my wife just said true?" "How can this be possible?" "how can this be happening to me?" You have these moments where you put the pieces of what is happening together with past events and you think to yourself, "I should have known", and "if only had done x, y, and z", you blame yourself. Then you realize that you aren't the only one to blame and that empty space that was just created inside your chest gets filled with anger. The anger intensifies as the trickle truths start coming. Then you can't stand it any longer, you flee. You put your coat on and walk into a hurricane. It's like a stroll in the park on bright sunshiny day compared with what is in your house. As you walk you feel sick, like you swallowed a poison and it is working its way up from the bottom of your chest towards your throat. It is almost suffocating and you remind yourself again to breathe. You feel the pulse above your eye next to your temple. Your face feels warm but your fingers and body are freezing. You walk faster to keep warm. You walk miles. You get back to your door and don't want to go through it. You don't want to face what is on the other side. You go in anyway because despite all of this pain, you love this person that did this to you. Then you cry and finally, you pass out. Sadly the next day you have to wake up and it is still there haunting you.

[hardlybreathing]

Put me in the hospital. I had an anxiety attack and hyperventilated, I actually thought I was having a stroke. I became severly depressed, then I discovered the source of my depression, it was the ex - so I got rid of him. .

[Stillalive1]

Felt disgusted,thought about all the times i could cheat on her and i didn't,and felt pretty dumb about it...Wondering how can someone b so false,regretting the fact i treated her properly meanwhile she was backstabbing me. We were in a LDR,i still have a big wish to meet her randomly and spit on her face,cause it's the only thing she really deserves. The feeling i have is that i ve been with a prostitute for free...

[jennifernyc84]

Please go read my thread...

[Anoidtoo]

Hi

I've just joined this forum as I myself I'm going through a similar issue. My problem started many years ago and at least around 4 years into our marriage. I was too naive to realize that something was not alright. My wife and I have been very close and so in love,we have two lovely children. There was never any arguments between us.. everyone one sees us as a perfect couple. In her line of employment (Medical) she does attend medical conferences around the country and at times overseas but for sure no reason to have to pick anyone at the airport. I did not see or thought of any red flag back then when that day she told me:

 

Tomorrow I need to pick up "someone" at the airport and that same day she had a work function to attend. That night she got back home past 11pm and had a thorough long shower. She usually take her function clothes with her to work and shower there ( clue number 1)!! (And besides that, who would have been that "someone" unless it's someone she's very close to she had to pick up at the airport !)

 

She thought I was fast asleep, I felt a weird pressure in my chest that something was not right. I did not say anything, she came to bed and fell asleep within minutes.. As soon as I noticed she had started snoring and in a deep sleep, I got up and went straight to her handbag and something urged me to check her mini phone book.

 

I went to the toilet and sat there perusing it... aside of all the family members and close friends contacts i was aware of, I came across this man's contact from Sydney with his mobile number, home number and address... I thought well this is not good as we've never hidden anything from each other before.

 

The next day after work, during dinner time we talked and I asked her about that contact.. of course she had her convincing excuses and I never expected her to tell me the truth, I just wanted her to know that I was aware of it. I should have copied down that guy's contact, because the very next day she got rid of it (clue number 2). This was my confirmation that she was up to something.

For unknown reasons, I left things as is and proceed with our family routing ( the beginning of faking happiness). She did not do anything out of the norm to arouse my suspicion thereafter (what I'd like to believe). She would always be home on time from work and never had any excuses that would alert me.

 

Having worked at the same hospital for 18yrs,she attends Medical functions where she gets to meet Reps, both men and women trying to promote their Medical products. She says;often at those Medical functions, Reps would entertain the hospital staff buying them drinks,meals etc., to get into their good books so that they can motivate them to buy their products.

 

My wife is a very attractive woman, she's tall with thick long blond hair and with a great body and was around her early 20's. It is quite obvious one of those male Reps had eyes on her and had worked his way to her heart getting her to see it as just platonic friendship. It might have been that this Rep was popular around the hospital she works at and for unknown reason she had this guy's complete contact in her personal diary. (not an appropriate thing to do as business contacts should be kept in one's work database).

 

At one stage, she came home after work with an expensive perfume (clue 3) she did not bother telling me where she got it from as we both know she couldn't have spent that much money as we had a large mortgage and other bills to pay. It's those little things that keep coming up on my mind.

 

Whether she was aware or not that this guy may have had it in for her, I get the feeling that she may now be living with remorse and regretting why she let herself go and get lured into having out of wedlock sex with a stranger damaging her marriage and relationship that has altered beyond repair.

 

We stayed together firstly because of our two children and secondly because of her Mum & Dad who are strict Christian believers that the first marriage is the ultimate. I was also her first lover (never had sex with another man) and coming from a strict christian background having sex before marriage was a no no.

 

After all those years I'm still hurt, confused, frustrated and bitter. I think she prayed that I never get to know what really happened back then and or that she wouldn't do something like that!! Once one has savoured the forbidden fruit, will always be a cheater.

I was never a jealous, possessive or inquisitive type. I was always humorous and never took anything seriously. She's now created a silent venomous person.

 

This coming December, we'll be celebrating our 25years wedding anniversary and for the past 20 odd years it's been a roller coaster for both of us I'm sure. By not admitting to adultery she's protecting her reputation, her status and her family that she does not want to hurt in case I decide to walk out on her. A decision, I'd say we both subconsciously put up with living a clear "fake married life".

 

The number of times when I've felt pretty good verses those times where I've felt down the drain are limited. We make love and most of the time it's just an action to relieve myself and she's just there as a vessel (feels like I'm doing it to a prostitute)...

 

Sad as it may sound, she initiated this and other times when we have a little disagreement she confesses that she's so scared that I may leave her and she'd have to face her strict family (clue number 4), why would she be worried about me leaving her?). I told her so be it, I have no problem with it and that scares her even more.

 

It's possible that many women are not aware that when a man is being so nice, understanding, showing empathy, sympathy and a good listener, it then leads to ensure calmness, relax, trust building confidence until the right time so she'll agree to sex.

 

It is also possible that there are many women out there that are just as horny as many men craving for sex with other guys and wanting to experience being screwed by another guy.

 

I can believe that my wife may have got carried away under alcohol influence as only two glasses of wine is enough to tip her over. She may have confessed to prying ears how a couple of drinks will easily tip her over and this would have been music to any guy's ear!!

And guys like that will have no problem reassuring targeted women that their secret affair will be very safe with them and no harm done to their marriage.( a disgusted reason for a married woman to be involve herself into).

 

At this point in time, this is all SPECULATION AS SHE HAS NEVER ever ADMITTED TO ANYTHING, something many would do to avoid confrontation and risk losing what's most precious to them not realizing it does not take much for your better half to figure things out.. (one's gut feeling is not to be avoided) and deep down inside knowing that one way or the other the relationship is doomed. My only clues are what I've been observing over the years based on touchy conversations and even nowadays when we hear anecdotes in similar genre whether in person or on TV, I purposely stimulate about how stupid many women are to fall for those type of guys who befriend and work them up to get between their legs and then dump them thereafter.(clue number 5) Her comments and reaction confirm to me that she is living through remorse and hatred for being abused... well this I cannot help.. I've been suffering in silence too.

 

At this point in time, there's no moving on for either of us...our darling children are 23 and 21 now... they are more or less aware of little issues but we do our best to maintain a positive atmosphere around our families, friends and acquaintances (very fake but achievable).

 

The trust has been destroyed for good, the real love I had for her is out the window. No marriage counsellor can ever restore or mend what we had at the beginning of our married life.

 

I firmly believe once any party in a marriage stray, the damage is done and it can never ever be mended 100%.. It is like a deep wound, it heals but the scarred tissue will always be visible and there to remind one how painful it was.

 

How we chose to deal with it is up to each individual. I show her gratitude for being a good mother, I show her affection (not love) in a weird way but not as intense and well meant as I used too and sadly, I have sex with her to fulfil my need.

 

Whether she enjoys it or not, I wouldn't have a clue as I've lost the urge to explore and please her as I used to do. For every time I see her naked, I visualize the other guy on top of her.. it puts me off completely!!

 

Is it right to have lived life this way, is it right to believe she may have cheated and never will admit(clue number 6) she keeps quiet and avoid confrontation...... the confusion is that I've got so used to it, I do not know how to gauge real happiness or fake happiness because when we are among families, friends and acquaintances everything seems to be alright, however, I've noticed how she'd stared at me when I'm around other women being humorous and laughing (something we used to do together, of which has declined rapidly), she appears lost and hurt but never says anything (clue number 7). Is she dealing with her guilt?

 

I've learrned to adjust and cope with my present lifestyle. It has not been easy.... everyday comes and goes with no expectation.

 

Maybe if she had been honest enough in the first place to tell me the truth I may have dealt with the blow then figure out what would be best for our children in a calm humanitarian way. Maybe she kept lying so she'd protect her children and her marriage.

 

it is still my right to know and no one deserves to be treated this way especially from a woman who thinks she can lie to her man and believing that I'd never figure it out. Two can play at this game... I prefer to play my game the way I've been treating her for the past 20years and I'm sure she feels the difference.

 

 

The intense love i had for her once is now tarnished forever.. and every now and then I relive and visualize everything. But now I tell myself that I'm the most important person here.. I'm above her and she's really not that important anymore rather good enough for my needs.

 

The option was to: sell and move our separate ways, she panics and would not hear of it. We have a large mortgage and she's OK with paying most bills, so be it.

 

 

Makes one wonders, how many more people like me in this universe are living like I do and getting on with it!!!!! Peace be with you all...

[Anoidtoo]

sorry to bombard you with my thread.. but it will give you an insight of how one feels being betrayed and cheated on. It's a lifetime process that you learn to deal with (not accept it). It's painful for both man or woman... no one wants his or her partner cheated on and or being used by predators. In most cases cheaters are out there just to have sex and once they've had enough of that person.. they get rid of him/her. Then what? the other half welcome him/her back with open arms!!! think again.. My story will tell you how I've been living for the past 20 years. I'm Ok as I'm not the guilty one but someone in the family is still feeling my silent treatment and resentment. Oh sweet revenge!!!!