waterwoman Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 H had an affair. He still loved OW. It broke my heart. I went through all the much-repeated extremes of emotions. Very tedious - you've heard it all before. I was desperate to hear that he no longer loved her. Finally yesterday he said it while we were talking about how we have felt over the last few months - 'I don't care about her' in a tone of utter weary indifference. So..hurray! Break open the champagne! Fly the flags! Ra ra ra! To all intents and purposes I have won - whatever that means. But, actually I don't care anymore. I look at him and wonder why I expended all that energy on him and her and their silly little affair. Honestly why did it matter. He's not that special. I guess that means I am still angry? Feeling flat What's going on now? I want to feel happy about it,
underwater2010 Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Maybe you were hoping he didn't care about her, but deep down women feel sex without love should not exist. And if he cared about her enough to have an affair, what is making him not care now.
Furious Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 H had an affair. He still loved OW. It broke my heart. I went through all the much-repeated extremes of emotions. Very tedious - you've heard it all before. I was desperate to hear that he no longer loved her. Finally yesterday he said it while we were talking about how we have felt over the last few months - 'I don't care about her' in a tone of utter weary indifference. So..hurray! Break open the champagne! Fly the flags! Ra ra ra! To all intents and purposes I have won - whatever that means. But, actually I don't care anymore. I look at him and wonder why I expended all that energy on him and her and their silly little affair. Honestly why did it matter. He's not that special. I guess that means I am still angry? Feeling flat What's going on now? I want to feel happy about it, There are no winners in deceit, you know that. A hard pill to swallow, all in the name of "love", whatever that means. 3
mercy Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 H had an affair. He still loved OW. It broke my heart. I went through all the much-repeated extremes of emotions. Very tedious - you've heard it all before. I was desperate to hear that he no longer loved her. Finally yesterday he said it while we were talking about how we have felt over the last few months - 'I don't care about her' in a tone of utter weary indifference. So..hurray! Break open the champagne! Fly the flags! Ra ra ra! To all intents and purposes I have won - whatever that means. But, actually I don't care anymore. I look at him and wonder why I expended all that energy on him and her and their silly little affair. Honestly why did it matter. He's not that special. I guess that means I am still angry? Feeling flat What's going on now? I want to feel happy about it, When going through the healing process I'd get focused on one thing. If that one thing could just get resolved then I'd be okay. Well, it would get resolved and damned if it didn't matter. I'd think wth am I going to focus on now. It was such an empty feeling. It's a let down because it was so important and mattered so much, then nothing. 2
2sure Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 When you come to the realization that the competition between BS and OW is pointless....realizing the prize is worthless quickly follows. 7
Cb3657 Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 This is the ironic part about all these dating reality shows, after one of the contestants win they no longer want the prize. This person humiliated and degraded me for weeks for all to see, in the heat of completion people will take it, but in cold daylight the person looks like a jerk. I think it should be a affirming moment to know you won, your relationship and connection to your spouse beat out the affair fog. Now it's time to see if you got the booby prize, look at it this way, you now have taken the choices away from them and given them to you. Do you want to stay, not, will they get together, it's great to have choices and you own that right.
Author waterwoman Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 look at it this way, you now have taken the choices away from them and given them to you.. Yes, precisely. That is a good feeling. My choice, at last!! As to whether they get together, I very much doubt that. It was never on the cards for him - I think she might have felt differently but don't know. Don't much care. He needs to start doing some of the work to convince me I want to keep this marriage. He has been passive - said all the right things, did all the right things but always so passive. I was the one running around like a blue-ar*ed fly! I never felt he didn't love me - not once, just that he was passive and not passionate. So my decision now. Plain of lethal flatness? Brilliant term for it. Will google later. Have a training course now.....
Author waterwoman Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 When going through the healing process I'd get focused on one thing. If that one thing could just get resolved then I'd be okay. Well, it would get resolved and damned if it didn't matter. I'd think wth am I going to focus on now. It was such an empty feeling. It's a let down because it was so important and mattered so much, then nothing. Agree 100%. that is it exactly. I guess I want some huge cathartic event to make it all better. It hasn';t been - it's been a slow crawl marked by minor happenings. Now we're 'here' it doesn't seem worth the effort. 2
BetrayedH Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 You aren't the winner. You are the prize. 2
melenkurion Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Are you in counselling, have you seen your GP? It is possible that the emotional emptiness could be a symptom of depression.
Author waterwoman Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 The prize? LOL! The booby prize perhaps melen - yes I am in IC, and yes I am depressed - already on citalopram, have been for about 5 years.
melenkurion Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 I'm sorry to hear that. I hope that this business isn't having too detrimental an effect on your health. I know that's a bit of a silly thing of me to say: it's a terrible thing to happen.
beenburned Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 WW, you are now in a different stage of your healing. You can now step back and view the revised big picture.(of H/marriage/future) Now you ask yourself, do I still want/love him?(now, after he cheated) Can you forgive and accept him/his behavior as forever part of your history? Do you think he is capable of doing the hard work of changing for the long haul?(and is this what he wants?) Can you live with the fact he loved another woman? Will you always worry that he only settled for you, not choosing you as first in his heart? I find it very sad that we(bs's) now have spouse's who are damaged goods/defective! (they might have been all along and we just didn't know it) You need to determine if this is his authentic self, or just a one time bad error in judgement.(make sure there is not a history of past cheating) Best of luck as you continue on your path of healing!(whether married or divorced)
Steadfast Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 I didn't reconcile with my ex, but my feelings did change for her. I realize now than they probably would have even if we stayed together. Not 100% sure exactly how I'd view things if that would have happened, but for what it's worth, a certain amount of apathy shouldn't be a huge surprise. Like most, my initial reaction was to fix, fix, fix. That failed. I was surprised however that my decision to divorce and move on didn't...at least, in terms of regaining her attention and movement back towards me...or us. But when I moved, she moved back again, keeping the distance and her options open. This, I suspect, is the difference between those who reconcile and those who don't. Or can't. I've always said if they love you they'd be there. Is it true? Regardless, What you're lacking isn't the thrill of victory, it's the absence of prize value. It's hard (impossible?) to love someone and feel those deep, caring emotions when respect is waning. That's how I pictured you in your opening comment; listening to his somewhat nonchalant attitude about not only what happened, but who it happened to. You are seeing a side of your husband that's just as unattractive as his cheating personality. Others here have the practical experience to help you through this. As for me, I can only relate by saying after the dust cleared, I saw a person that I didn't want to be married to. All these years later, that hasn't changed.
mercy Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Due to the implosion of my heart and all of my emotions, when dd hit, I felt something huge had to happen to repair the damage. Just one BIG thing, whatever it was, I had no idea. But it didn't happen that way, it was the small things that mattered most. Looking back on it now I can see it but when I was in it, I focused for a time on something big. Has your h always been passive? Mine is with me, never in his job or with others but with me, always. What you said about your h being passive really resonated with me. After dd with me falling apart he had to step up, take charge, sure I needed the good kind guy but I also needed his strength. Tell your h what you need from him. Let him know his passive ways are conveying negative feelings in you. Have him make the choice to give you what you need or you'll give it to yourself and you won't need him. That's not a threat, it just is what it is. Demand that he step up or step out. This is about you, your healing and he has to do whatever it takes to help you get though this or for what purpose is he with you. He loves you, you don't doubt that but now he needs to do more. Lay that passiveness aside, now is not the time. My h always said, I'm not a mind reader, even though I thought he should be, I had to tell him what I needed. Tell your h, lay it out, see where he takes it. 1
Author waterwoman Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 Hi Mercy I spent ages trying to plan our wedding anniversary party (20th, last week) thinking that a big party would make it OK, draw a line. But in the end I couldn't. Hell I'm not even wearing my wedding ring at the moment. In fact taking my ring off and telling him 'When you don't love her, when our marriage is once again exclusive, I will wear your ring! A new one for a new marriage' The idea was that I would force him to be active in this thing at least - when he gets over her he can make the effort and buy me a new ring. It's a symbol and one that he has to own. No he's not passive in the work sphere but has always tended to be in the domestic. Partly down to me as I am a 'do-er' and tend to try to organise anything that doesn't move fast enough . But beneath his passive exterior I beleive he is beginning to panic. He feels the precariousness of his position. 1
mercy Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Oh, the dreaded anniversary..... What did you end up doing? He is feeling the pain. It's a god awful place to be. The fog has officially lifted. Is it your h that won't go to therapy?
Author waterwoman Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 Hi Mercy Sorry, I didn't notice your reply before. We went our for a family meal with my parents. Nothing special really. But nice. Didn't seem right to make too much of it. He bought me a beautiful pearl bracelet and I bought him a ring. We are spending a lot more time together - getting to know each other again. Maybe the big party will happen next year in the summer. Who knows.
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