5050whothewhat Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 (edited) Been wanting to do this for sometime. Here's my story. My employer granted me a one year sabbatical for working with the company for over 10 years. I needed it. The reasons I took it was I live on an island and haven't been with my family for Thxgiving, xmas, newyear since 1999, I have a funky back that needed attention, and most importantly, I needed a break from work. I also wanted to do some traveling I started dating my ex summer of 2009. Serious chemistry and our relationship blossomed into something beautiful. From day one I told her I would eventually take my sabbatical. Obviously, this freaked her out and myself too because I was falling in love with her. Fast forward to Oct. 2011, I put my notice in for my leave. This devastated her. I started my sabbatical in March 2012. It would end Feb 2013. We made a pact to stay together. I spent all of April on the mainland then came back to stay with my ex all of May and June. This was the first time we lived together. Things were great in the beginning but we bickered about stupid sheet. Nothing too heavy to break us up. My nephew's bday was in the beginning of July so I planned to go back to the mainland for the bday and most of the summer. In my world my ex and I would stay strong and ride out the distance. A week later she's calls me to break up with me. The three reasons she gave for breaking up were 1) sabbatical 2) Money. She has quite a bit of student loan debt and she felt I brought her down on that subject. 3) alcohol. Both of us come from and alcoholic father. Don't get me wrong, I like to have a good time and overindulge on occasion, but not at all to the extent to which she has labeled me. I'm man enough to look at myself in the mirror and realized of all three reasons this was the one I took most seriously. I've made some big changes since the breakup. Absolute mess for the next three months. I contacted her 4 times over the last three months. One text the day she broke up with to think about her decision, one email the next day pointing not only my faults buts hers as well, a phone call 10 days after the breakup for some closure, and one last text to wish her safe travels back to the island at the end of July (she was visiting family in another state when she broke up with me). She did not initiate contact with me at all. Totally cut me off. Here we are today and this is where I need some interpretation. When she broke up with she said when I got back from my sabbatical we could get coffee and catch up. So, two weeks ago I called her to take her up on her suggestion. She did end up texting me back later in the evening. here is the exchange. Started 10/11 Her: How long are you in town? Me: I moved back H. I'll probably be back to work beginning/mid November. No reply back. So yesterday I text her again. Me: Sooo, you never replied to my invitation to your suggestion of catching up for coffee. Guess it comes down to a simple yes or no. Her: It's not simple. The reason I haven't called is because I've been considering it but cant figure out whether it would be good for me to see you...Im confused as to why you're back early & why you want to see me. Me: I came back early so that when I go to bed at night and wake in the morning I know in my heart I did everything possible to salvage a once beautiful relationship. I figured the one and only chance I had would be to come back to where you were. I quickly realized when we broke up that this sabbatical isn't bigger than you, that money isn't bigger than you and that I didn't want to travel without you. Her: This is a lot to take in..I need some time to process. Trying to get some insight as to if I have a chance with her again and what steps if any I should take. She means the world to me but if she doesn't want me in her world then I'll move on. One last thing. She still has 4 folders of pictures of she and I on her Facebook that are very intimate. She's not the biggest facebooker but does post on occasion and had recently added a few photos. Not sure how to interpret the pictures of she and I. Any advise would be great. Thanks in advance. Edited October 24, 2012 by 5050whothewhat
Heartdefeated Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Your situation sounds extremely complicated. There are many possibilities as to why she would be hesitant. What was her behavior like before your departure? Was she distant? Sad to see you go? If she was distant than perhaps she was mentally disconnecting from your relationship with the intention of breaking up. Often, people will then think of all of their partner's negative qualities and those qualities will seem magnified (hence the drinking remark). If she seemed sad, maybe she detached as a defense mechanism with the understanding that she wasn't going to see you for quite some time. Either way, her reaction does not seem in your favor. Also, it may be overwhelming to her that your early return was partially due to salvaging a relationship that she may not want. I hope she opens her heart to you and you can work things out. You seem to genuinely care for her and maybe she just needs time to clarify things in her mind. The best of luck to you!
Author 5050whothewhat Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 Your situation sounds extremely complicated. There are many possibilities as to why she would be hesitant. What was her behavior like before your departure? Was she distant? Sad to see you go? If she was distant than perhaps she was mentally disconnecting from your relationship with the intention of breaking up. Often, people will then think of all of their partner's negative qualities and those qualities will seem magnified (hence the drinking remark). If she seemed sad, maybe she detached as a defense mechanism with the understanding that she wasn't going to see you for quite some time. Either way, her reaction does not seem in your favor. Also, it may be overwhelming to her that your early return was partially due to salvaging a relationship that she may not want. I hope she opens her heart to you and you can work things out. You seem to genuinely care for her and maybe she just needs time to clarify things in her mind. The best of luck to you! Thanks for the reply. Can't deny there were red flags leading up to the breakup but leading up to my sabbatical start date we were great. I didn't feel like she was distant when we were living together in May and June, in fact I really felt we were quite in love still. Little things come to mind, for instance before she would go to work and I was still a sleep in bed she would give me repeated kisses on my head even If we had an argument the night before and went to sleep with our backs to each other. Two days before I left for the mainland we spent the day at the beach, she took me to the ballet and dinner and at dinner commented how handsome I looked to her. I mentioned she was visiting her family in mainland the same time I was on the mainland except a state away. While she was planning the trip she mentioned that she wanted me to stay in her apartment while she was gone so that I would be there when she returned. I interpreted this as she never wanted me to leave. The one big red flag was that she didn't invite to go visit her family with her, although we tentatively planned to meet up in her hometown. I agree with the detachment you mentioned Heartdefeated. It's of my opinion that she mentally disconnected months before the actual breakup but held hope for us while we were living together. I think the combination of me leaving again and the bickering ultimately led her to throw in the towel. Either way, my selfish(for all the right reasons) intention to take the sabbatical led to the demise of our relationship. Guess I can only blame myself...
Author 5050whothewhat Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 How old are you guys? I'm 36, she's 37
River Rain Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 You both are mature enough to know what you want from a relationship. It sounds like she couldn't handle the distance, since that was her first reason for breaking up with you. The other two reasons, have you taken care of? If so, then maybe you have a chance now that you're back living closer to her?
todreaminblue Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Been wanting to do this for sometime. Here's my story. My employer granted me a one year sabbatical for working with the company for over 10 years. I needed it. The reasons I took it was I live on an island and haven't been with my family for Thxgiving, xmas, newyear since 1999, I have a funky back that needed attention, and most importantly, I needed a break from work. I also wanted to do some traveling I started dating my ex summer of 2009. Serious chemistry and our relationship blossomed into something beautiful. From day one I told her I would eventually take my sabbatical. Obviously, this freaked her out and myself too because I was falling in love with her. Fast forward to Oct. 2011, I put my notice in for my leave. This devastated her. I started my sabbatical in March 2012. It would end Feb 2013. We made a pact to stay together. I spent all of April on the mainland then came back to stay with my ex all of May and June. This was the first time we lived together. Things were great in the beginning but we bickered about stupid sheet. Nothing too heavy to break us up. My nephew's bday was in the beginning of July so I planned to go back to the mainland for the bday and most of the summer. In my world my ex and I would stay strong and ride out the distance. A week later she's calls me to break up with me. The three reasons she gave for breaking up were 1) sabbatical 2) Money. She has quite a bit of student loan debt and she felt I brought her down on that subject. 3) alcohol. Both of us come from and alcoholic father. Don't get me wrong, I like to have a good time and overindulge on occasion, but not at all to the extent to which she has labeled me. I'm man enough to look at myself in the mirror and realized of all three reasons this was the one I took most seriously. I've made some big changes since the breakup. Absolute mess for the next three months. I contacted her 4 times over the last three months. One text the day she broke up with to think about her decision, one email the next day pointing not only my faults buts hers as well, a phone call 10 days after the breakup for some closure, and one last text to wish her safe travels back to the island at the end of July (she was visiting family in another state when she broke up with me). She did not initiate contact with me at all. Totally cut me off. Here we are today and this is where I need some interpretation. When she broke up with she said when I got back from my sabbatical we could get coffee and catch up. So, two weeks ago I called her to take her up on her suggestion. She did end up texting me back later in the evening. here is the exchange. Started 10/11 Her: How long are you in town? Me: I moved back H. I'll probably be back to work beginning/mid November. No reply back. So yesterday I text her again. Me: Sooo, you never replied to my invitation to your suggestion of catching up for coffee. Guess it comes down to a simple yes or no. Her: It's not simple. The reason I haven't called is because I've been considering it but cant figure out whether it would be good for me to see you...Im confused as to why you're back early & why you want to see me. Me: I came back early so that when I go to bed at night and wake in the morning I know in my heart I did everything possible to salvage a once beautiful relationship. I figured the one and only chance I had would be to come back to where you were. I quickly realized when we broke up that this sabbatical isn't bigger than you, that money isn't bigger than you and that I didn't want to travel without you. Her: This is a lot to take in..I need some time to process. Trying to get some insight as to if I have a chance with her again and what steps if any I should take. She means the world to me but if she doesn't want me in her world then I'll move on. One last thing. She still has 4 folders of pictures of she and I on her Facebook that are very intimate. She's not the biggest facebooker but does post on occasion and had recently added a few photos. Not sure how to interpret the pictures of she and I. Any advise would be great. Thanks in advance. Distance truly sucks so i agree with one of the posters here who said she probably couldnt handle the distance.I have feelings that this relationship will sort itself out the fact she is posting intimate pictures of you said she needed to process what you said and the fact she is considering whether she should see you or not point to the fact she still has feelings for you that are pretty strong......I would say chances point to a reconciliation....i wish you the best and i really hope that it does work out for you i have a romantic heart and i like to hear of positives from rough times.....all the best ....make sure you post when she takes you back....;0)...best wishes....deb
Author 5050whothewhat Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 UPDATE-- Sorry for being long winded. Interesting encounter with the ex last night. But, before get there here's a little update over the last four months. Shortly after this post I randomly ran into my ex at a coffee shop. It was awkward to say the least. She was cold. Not rude or anything, just indifferent without emotion. We small talked for a moment and agreed to meet up a week later for last and final hurrah conversation which turned out to be a good conversation in that I got pretty much all my questions answered. She reiterated all the previous reasons why we broke up and stuck to them. She was firm but mature. She told me what I needed to hear. That there was no need to contact her, that she more than likely wouldn't be contacting me and that I made her feel "horrible" when around me. She told me that when she makes a decision that sticks with it. She let me know that she newly started seeing someone. Those were tough words, but really necessary to hear from her face to face. Sure enough, she text me two weeks later "just checking in to see how things are going" likely to see that I hadn't gone off the deep end:confused:. To which I replied that unless she decides to let me be apart of her life again that it would be in my best interest to steer clear of her for quite some time. That was the last time we communicated. Can't lie, i'm still not healed It's been 7 months since we broke up and 4 since i've spoken to her. The crazy thing is we live a mile apart. I miss her just the same as day 1. maybe even more. So that was it and how it's been. NC for both us... until fast forward to last night. Out with some friends at a restaurant/bar who were setting me up with one of their friends. My ex was there too with her friends and ended up seeing my buddy's girlfriend in the bathroom who smartly tells my ex that I was there an WHY I was there. My ex gets flustered, so says my friend and primps for a moment. She also tells my friends girlfriend that she was recently dumped by the guy she was seeing. Interesting to say the least. I knew all this because my friends girlfriend text my buddy right after leaving the bathroom, so I had a heads up. Out comes my ex and she walks right up to me and my buddy. It was certainly a moment of shock. Not that I was surprised to see her. I was shocked how excited she was to see me. She looked amazing too! Evidently, she spent the whole afternoon at the beach and was just glowing. One thing my ex has and I miss dearly(fellas you'll agree with me on this) is her rockin beach body and tan to back it up. She was glowing at me too! Big beaming smile to go along with a big hug. Within minutes of chatting she was putting her hand on my shoulder like she used to to catch a gaze from me. Sparks like no other. We ended going out side to the beach because it was really loud and crowded in side. We had a nice conversation where we both shared how we were and what has been going on our lives. She then went on to share how much she missed me and that she still loves me. I didn't ask if she was "in love" with me, I just took it as it was. But I gotta tell you, the way she was smiling at me and by the way she put her hand on my face, she could very well still be "in love" with me. Of course she asked if we could be friend and I said, "why"? "So that you can have parts of me you like and keep other parts of me you don't like out of your life"? No way! I understand that not only did she just got pink slipped by her rebound, she also got denied entrance for the PHD program she gunning for. I get that she is feeling vulnerable and is starting to really think about me/us. I assured her I wasn't going to be her back up plan. She explained that wasn't the case and started talking all kinds of crazy like if I could see us getting back together and how strong our relationship had been. I told her course I do all the time and then went on to tell her counseling would be an absolute must if getting back together ever happened. This went on for 10 minutes or so. We hugged each probably 3 times with a ton of passion, each time she kissing me on my cheek. She told me that she had been thinking of things that she wanted to talk to me about and if I would be open to meeting. I told her, "look, you have my number, you know how to get ahold of me. If you want to, do so". So that's where I'm at. Total 180 from 4 months ago. Funny thing is that I'm not entirely sure I wan't to get back together. I've been online dating and think I found someone of interest. I know the right course would be to pursue the communication i'm having with this other woman because I'm still very much single and really what else do I have to lose. At the same time I love my ex dearly. We'll see if my ex calls me. Until then, I'll keep on keeping on. Ciao!
Author 5050whothewhat Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 i find it so boring and childish when people put a script instead of telling us what happen. cant read this ,bye Easy solution to that, don't you think?
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