dudesomewhere Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 so it seems I have this power...the power of guilt...to make people call me their friend when they otherwise would not consider a person like me their friend. It's not a good feeling, sucks pretty much. I guess being the way I am, which I think is genuine, gentle, utterly honest, basically overall a nice and good person...I end up guilting people who come to know me into calling me their friend. Anyone ever feel guilty about someone and call them a friend because you felt you would be a bad person if you didn't? Man I don't need a friendship out of pity. Charity friendship sucks the big one. What can a person like me do to convince people not to give me charity friendships? limbo i am in
Tony Posted July 31, 2004 Senior Moderators Posted July 31, 2004 Very interesting concept. Never gave this sort of thing much thought but there surely is validity to what you have written. I guess if somebody I was sort of indifferent towards was exceptionally nice to me, I would feel somewhat obligated to like them. It wouldn't have as much to do with guilt as with a sense of obligation. There's nothing you can really do. There's simply no way early on to know exactly what a person's motivation is for befriending you. That's something you find out down the road. When you do find out, then you make a determination as to whether or not you want to continue the friendship or terminate it.
Mr Spock Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 I'm not quite sure what you're getting at dude, are you saying you think people are only nice to you because they feel guilty? Are you selling yourself short here? That you're so nice that even people who aren't attracted to your personality feel obligated to befriend you? I don't have that problem-I've always been more of a "If you don't like it, p*ss on you" because I have a very strong assertive personality. I suppose I am the person that would feel obligated towards someone like you-this is interesting, tell me more.
meanon Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 What makes you think some people pity you, Dude? It could simply be that friendship means different things to them.
moimeme Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 Anyone ever feel guilty about someone and call them a friend because you felt you would be a bad person if you didn't? Not in the least. Nor should you pretend to be something you're not - if you don't think you two are a good mesh as friends, then don't pretend otherwise. I guess being the way I am, which I think is genuine, gentle, utterly honest, basically overall a nice and good person You forgot 'modest' If you are all those things because you genuinely like someone, very often that person will like you back because being liked tends to predispose someone to liking the liker. If that then leads to them finding more qualities about you that they appreciate, you will become real friends. However, if someone finds things they dislike about you, they may act civilly but their attitude will lack genuine warmth. Some people can figure out when someone's being genuinely friendly and others cannot. So either these people are responding with genuine liking, in which case there is no reason to discount their friendship, or else they are being nice to you because they think they should and eventually you will probably figure that out. You see, if your theory held totally true, then behaving in a loving way towards someone would cause him to love you back - and we all know that often is not the case.
yes Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 i think i know what you mean, dudesomewhere. if i were u, i'd simply stick to friends who i think chose to be friends with me not because of guilt or a sense of obligation, but just for the heck of it - cuz they like me. i have some acquiantances who seem to feel obligated to be nice to me - it irks me a lil, but i just stay nice to 'em, yet keep my distance. my 2c, -yes
meanon Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 I agree with yes. There's no point in treating people as other than genuine, otherwise you will fail to build the kind of relationships that are meaningful to you. If you discover that people are not genuine in some way, that probably says more about them than about you. Maybe they don't value the friendship as you do or maybe, as others have said, they are acting out of a sense of obligation. Just keep being yourself.
Author dudesomewhere Posted July 31, 2004 Author Posted July 31, 2004 i had to get out of the house...though I ended up at another house...my sis's ...nobody is here. I'm checking out the joint I hope to move into...it's so peaceful being all by myself see...the problem is I've always been told I'm so different in all these people's lives...that's why I wonder about it. For example, if someone knows 10 horrible people and know this one person who is fairly opposite...that one person will presumedly wonder why they are a part of this person's life. You know how some ppl feel out of place at parties because they don't party? Well take this further and deeper, and consider the heart and soul...when someone feels like they are an anomaly in someone's life they'll have to wonder. It's not that I'm selling myself short but I think I'm just being a realist and in my case, it's as real as you can get. People are always taken aback when they get to know who I am in real life. You know once you get past that newness and the uncertainty and realize I am the guy in those posts...not the butthead remarks but the other variety. If you could imagine ignoring all those goofy ass remarks and looking at the serious stuff...that's me. And when someone realizes it, it amazes them. Not because I'm some remarkable thing but I am so different than what they are used to. And what they are used to is what they gravitate towards. So I look at it from an outside view and say, why if nothing else but pity or guilt, do they have me as their friend? I could understand having other friends like me but when I'm the lone figure in some group, one has to ask that question. Yeah, I love philosophy and psychology so I'll delve deep into these things...the subconscious that motivates. Let's leave out positive self descriptive words as they can sometimes sound "unmodest" ...my belief, when someone stumbles upon me is that they find someone that is so safe they don't want to lose who it is I am. Now shifting back to normal word usage, I am 100% honest with people and I never ever have any ulterior motives and I will make sure people know this...of course nobody would say they don't like this type of person but in the real world, not many are like this. So to use a simple analogy and metaphor...people are like razor blades...with some being dull but still able to cut and others being ultra-sharp and merciless...I am that razor blade that never cuts. Modesty aside, in real life people gravitate towards me...whether that is because of physical qualities or vibes I'll never know. But the fact is I turn most people away because it is also my gut that most people don't want a person like me in their life. My prior job I left I grew close to this one older lady in particular. We talk about these very things and she's acknowledged this feeling I have. She went on to say that good things would happen for me because I was such a beautiful person inside...that made me feel very good. And I simply asked her being a good person means that, in that butthead way of mine of course . I wasn't going to argue with her but I have my doubts. You know that thing I have where I don't like to spread myself thin? I was wondering if I should start doing that. When you do that you care less I think...right? So I was contemplating caring less...but it doesn't seem within me. I like making things special and that is probably my problem, I like making friendships special. I thought about opening up myself to all those that have wanted it, male(yes, platonic you perves) and female...doing so I'd be available to nobody on a regular basis...I'd know less about everyone...I'd care less about everyone. Maybe that's how I should look at friendship. I think back to a female my age I was talking to on my last day of work. She's always liked me as was evident with how she flirted with me...we talked, I gave her a hug...and as I kept exchanging words while walking away she says "You're not even going to give me your phone number are you?" and I said no, it's just not me...and I stopped. We were just looking at each other from maybe 20 ft away and she says "you're so private" and I nodded and we said our farewells. But she's still there...maybe I'll change huh? Maybe. I'm whacky huh?
moimeme Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 if someone knows 10 horrible people and know this one person who is fairly opposite...that one person will presumedly wonder why they are a part of this person's life Oh I doubt that. And what they are used to is what they gravitate towards. So I look at it from an outside view and say, why if nothing else but pity or guilt, do they have me as their friend? Really, fairly flawed assumptions here. People can be fascinated by someone 'different', for one thing. Maybe it's curiosity. Or maybe, rather than ascribing deep underlying motivations to people, you could take at face value that if you behave likeably, people might like you.
moimeme Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 I'm whacky huh? Yeah, yeah. Crazy, wacky, wierd, sick, and so forth. And maybe a little too pleased about being so "wacky/wierd/crazy/silly/ etc etc etc."?
meanon Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 Yes, you love yourself Still, you ask interesting questions about the nature of friendship. There are no absolute answers, it's all down to individual preferences. when someone feels like they are an anomaly in someone's life they'll have to wonder. Wonder about what you are adding to that person's life and they to yours, dude - not about whether they pity you. Two of my closest friendships have evolved from relationships with people so different to me that I wondered often what the basis of the friendship was, or even if they were worth pursuing. If you find pleasure in another's company and they in yours then that surely is sufficient. Some friendships are instantaneous - they literally take off. They are based on common interests and personalities - you simply "click". Others are slow burners, it takes time to connect with someone who is different to you. As to how thinly you spread yourself - that all depends on how much you value friendships that are not of the deep and meaningful variety. I've always enjoyed social friendships and some have evolved into more meaningful relationships. I know others who find it hard to value any that are not practically soulmates. You can have both - it all depends on what you give and gain.
Samee074 Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 No you aren't whacky ... silly maybe and maybe as far as loopy to an extent ...lol just kidding with you . I have a question though what is so wrong with you being amazing?? Take that quality with pride my dear because there aren't too many amazing people out there these days! As for friends .... that one is difficult because for myself I have 4 friends that I consider Best Friends and trust completely . There are to many BS's out there anymore for my taste and only out for what they can get from ya anyways! But don't ever be a friend to someone out of pity and don't ever accept a friendship from someone you think pity's you ... thats not friendship!! Good Luck!
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