Ironvein Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Hello again. I must seem really desperate with the amount of threads i have started lately. I really have no other choice. I feel lost at what to do. Last night we had an argument on gender roles. I don't even understand how that started. She was basically saying "women's life is ****", "what good is there in a woman's life?", "i don't want to be a woman, it's too ****ty", and other crap like that. This is not the middle ages! Women do have more rights than back then. Yes, they have to go through periods, childbirths (not necessarily those, if you don't have children), and they are more likely to be raped. But men's lives are not only rose petals either. Where i live, there is a mandatory military duty, and i can pretty safely say that most young boys have at some point wished to be a female, because they dread that they have to go to army some day. And back in the time men had to protect the family from sabertooth tigers and other wild animals. Men's lives HAVE challenges too. Obviously the immediate threat from wild animals is much lower today, but that's just because of what we have become. Anyway, i already got over yesterday, so i don't know why i am ranting about it. But it felt good to get that off my chest. Well, i will move to the more recent subject... Her class had sex education today. She is still a virgin, and apparently the girls in her class who had already had sex were treating her like a "stupid ugly virgin who will never have sex". And she believed them. What say do i have against a class of girls who mentally abuse her? I love her from all my heart, but this situation is tiring me. I wish people would not tell me to break up, because i already did that once, and it was the biggest mistake in my life. She also said she "does not need pleasure" and wants sex "just to give pleasure to you" aka me. That is a load of crap. Every normal human has basic sexual instincts, and that means they want to feel desired and pleasure as well. It's like she thinks of herself as some higher form of life who does not need pleasure. Mind you, i am not this brusque to her usually, not at all. Just this situation annoys me to no end. How can i make her realize that i want her, and only her? And i don't care if she has a skin condition (she has a rare one). I love her, and i don't care if she is a pus bubbling mess of bandages, my love is no less. If someone read that all, thank you really much. I know how hard it can be to read something written by a person in a bout of annoyance. Even more thanks go to people who can give me advice that works!
january2011 Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Even more thanks go to people who can give me advice that works! There are no guarantees. All you can do is to be there for her and provide a safe, secure and loving environment for her to vent. I know many people who had a tough time at school and during their childhood. Stepping out into the the adult world can sort some of that out. Therapy can help with the rest. Next time she expresses a belief that you think is outlandish, ask her to unpack that belief. If it is based on her observations or experiences of other people's behaviour, challenge her to come up with alternative explanations for those events.
justwhoiam Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 I feel lost at what to do. Get yourself back together. Relax. Take it easy and be a safe island of happiness to her, a haven of peace. Last night we had an argument on gender roles. I don't even understand how that started. She was basically saying "women's life is ****", "what good is there in a woman's life?", "i don't want to be a woman, it's too ****ty", and other crap like that. This is not the middle ages! Women do have more rights than back then. Yes, they have to go through periods, childbirths (not necessarily those, if you don't have children), and they are more likely to be raped. Don't focus on what a woman's life is like. It's a lost cause. Women do twice or three times what a man does. More effort, more passion, more anything. And it's exhausting. But men are alone, they don't have that level of connection and support women usually have. When she starts complaining about her female role, start a cosmic, philosophical conversation. Like this: Did you know that there are more suicides among males than among females? Have you ever wondered why there's such a difference in these suicide rates and statistics? She might say men are weaker, so basically women are luckier for how their brain is set, they have the edge over, they have an extra oomph. And also get more support and help in general. Men are more subject to feel like failures and at times no one will help them. They are alone. Always face any discussion with very moderate tones, never ever raise your voice. Accept to be silents for 10 minutes letting her talk. And then have your say with intellingent remarks and very short sentences/statements. This will resonate with her. And give her time to think. Don't talk about tigers and wild animals when you mentioned 3 seconds earlier that it's not the middle ages anymore, and then you fall into the trap of talking about prehistory. She is still a virgin, and apparently the girls in her class who had already had sex were treating her like a "stupid ugly virgin who will never have sex". And she believed them. What say do i have against a class of girls who mentally abuse her? I'm not sure how old are you both. Maybe we should start from that. Age can be a factor. Personality can be a factor. She should be OK with what/who she is. But if she's a teen, being insecure is quite common. Most of those girls will get wasted anyway. So just mention that. And that she shouldn't pay too much attention to what they say... Also, it's good she doesn't go with the flow. It's boring. She also said she "does not need pleasure" Again, some cosmic talk: You don't need what you never had. One day she will feel the warmth of being intimate with someone she loves and she will understand what that means. Anyway, have you two ever met? A LDR can exist, but it gets real when two people have met. Otherwise it's just fantasy between two unknown entities. Every normal human has basic sexual instincts Almost. Not for all, but most. i don't care if she has a skin condition (she has a rare one). Is she doing anything about it? What condition? She probably was given a hard time about it and she might feel hopeless about recovering. Probably this skin condition makes her very uncomfortable. 1
River Rain Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 Advice that works...that would be nice! Well, all I can say is that she's sounding sexually immature, which is normal since she hasn't had a sexual experience. Or she's been influenced by something that was told to her in sex education class. I don't know that she thinks of herself as a higher being, it could be her self-esteem or fear of the first time that makes her say she doesn't need pleasure, kind of like a defense mechanism of sorts. You obviously love her, so if you're okay with continually reassuring her, then that's what you do. I think that once she does have sex with you, she might change her mind about not "needing" pleasure.
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