Backsliding fairly hard here

[spicolli]

There really isnt a whole lot of the backstory On here but to make a long story short girl that I dated for two years went back to her ex two weeks after breaking up with me. I tried in vain to get her back for about two months after that. We had no contact until February when she texted me to tell me he father passed away. That in itself ate me up inside But I felt terrible and felt the need to console her. She would basically text me whenever she need to talk about it but through the advice on here I decided to cut her off because she was having her cake and eating it too. The next day after one of our conversations I change my number and never told her about it

It was probably the best thing I've done in regards to getting myself healed.

However after a while he began to give me anxiety as to whether or not she was trying to contact me without success. Regardless I knew that I needed to stay in no contact in order to properly heal myself

I had been doing great until recently when a bunch of small things that reminded me of her started to pop up in my life. Then last week a buddy of mine told me he was getting in touch with the girl that dumped him over the summer and they were actually talking as friends and it was going well

It made me think that maybe we have a shot of being friends so I decided to look her up online. Some of the things I've been seeing online lead me to believe she is getting married. I've had a next get married before after we broke up but I was already in another relationship and it didn't bother me. I am currently single and loved this girl all of my heart and this is very difficult to deal with. I don't know for a fact she is getting married but there are some clues that lead me to believe that is the case. It's making my mind wander into a bad place not to mention the guy she broke up with me for Is someone she dated for a year prior to our Two year relationship

If they are in fact getting married it leads me to believe she was probably cheating on me the whole time. I don't know what the point of this rant is just to say that I need a little bit of help and some encouragement if anybody has some helpful words

Thank you very much sorry for the length of the post

[PYTpisces]

Try to stop your mind from wandering so much... from wondering if she tried to contact you to wondering if she was cheating on you etc etc... Stay in the present if you can. You DONT know if shes getting married and you DONT know much about wha'ts going on with her at this very moment. If you live in the past or in scenarios you create in your head your creating a world of hurt. Your mind will not be your best friend in this situation if you keep letting it wander. Not until you come to a place where you're strong enough to wish her well and starting living/loving your own life. Sounds impossible right now? You bet... the first step is to stop speculating and stop wondering/wandering. My mom always tells me that a wandering mind is the devils playground! Reality of this situation is that you guys arent in each others lives any more. Try to start accepting the reality of things... I know how hard it is and it feels awful. It HAS to hurt before things can get better. Keep posting with us if this doesnt help, we're here to walk you through this!

[spicolli]

First thing i should do is thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you for the fast and in depth response. Second thing sorry about the grammar i am sendin this from my phone And it is difficult to type all of this with so many thoughts racing thru my mind.

Now to the meat and potatoes, other than the initial breakup this is As hard as i have struggled the whole time. I am so close to breaking NC. And for what? I know she doesnt want me she is happy with the other guy, hell like i said theyre probably gettin married soon. Either im not nearly as over her as i thought, im sadistic, or i still have that lingering feeling that i have peaked dating wise and will either have ti downgrade in my next R. Idk what it is but im struggling, and very badly.

Please keep the advice, ridicule, stories, help ,whatever ; coming.

Thank you

[PYTpisces]

First, you're welcome and i'm super happy that you posted here instead of breaking NC. I IMPLORE YOU to not do it!!! It can only bring regret and further disappointment. I think all the reasons you listed may be true... Ill start with not being as over her as you thought. True. Acknowledging this is a good step toward accepting it. And it's OKAY if youre not over her! Now to the sadistic piece... i only say that this is possible because my own therapist told me that i have sadistic tendancies for wanting and pursuing men that don't want me. There are a lot of people in the world like this, but it's not healthy. Now, the lingering feeling that you fear you will have to downgrade in your next relationship. I think you're feeling this way because you have placed her on a pedastal on which she doesn't deserve to be. We tend to do that when people break our hearts. As though the fact that theyve left us behind makes them superior somehow. This is where planting your feet back in reality becomes important. Once you're past these feelings your yearning for her will fade. I promise you it will. It can only fade though if you force yourself to never contact her. Also don't look for her online. SIT ON YOUR HANDS IF YOU MUST to keep yourself from dialing her number or typing her name in the search bar on facebook!!! Post here instead of contacting her. Hearing your friends news and seeing other people fall in love has nothing to do you with and your situation, so don't compare what others have to what you have. People always seem happier and better off than you are on the outside, when on the inside no one is ever as happy as you think. We're all struggling.

[spicolli]

Up until now there was no desire to contact her she was somebody that broke my heart did me completely wrong and I was an incredible boyfriend to her. This is why the notion of not being as over her as I thought is really starting to scare me. She doesn't deserve me it's really that simple. Yet the fact that she is with somebody else and I'm alone every night is simply driving me mad. I'm 29 years old and I'm over the bar scene and around here that seems to be only place to get women.

I remember when we first broke up I would break no contact all of the time and she would just ignore me. It finally got to a point where I realized it wasn't doing me any good and I completely cut off all contact with her. I was doing great for a while and then out of the blue she contacts me. This is when everything started up again for me but I put that in the past after I change my phone number. I thought changing my phone number was going to give me a new start and not have to worry about her contacting me ever again. But instead of not Worrying about her contacting me became anxiety about whether she was contacting me and I wasn't getting the messages. Unfortunately I'm not one of these people I can just cut somebody out of their lives and never care about them again. There has not been a single day since we broke up that I did not think about her when I first woke up and at points throughout the day. The difference between then and now is then I felt empowered and in control of the situation now I feel helpless.

I checked her twitter today , some other social media website that I don't even know what it is , and I checked her boyfriend or husband's Fb. I mean I really lost it today and I feel like an idiot. The only thing I could surmise was a picture from her social media page that said wedding was a very distant photo but it looked like a picture of her and the guy that looked remarkably like her boyfriend or possibly now husband. I really appreciate all of your help understanding and kind words but it's been way too long to continue to feel like this we broke up 14 or 15 months ago. I think I'm officially lost in this entire situation and I have no idea what to do next.

[PYTpisces]

I wish I could give you a hug because I truly know how unbearable this feels. You don't need me to tell you anymore that keeping tabs on her is sucking your personal power out of you like a black hole. It's almost like you are flogging yourself with a wooden plank of pain over and over again. I would even venture to call this rock bottom. The first and foremost thing you should do right now is promise yourself you will stop keeping tabs on her life. All it does it hurt you more. Can you promise to do that?Treat her like a loved one who has died. Extreme I know, but you will grieve the loss of her in the same way. Think of your relationship with her as resting like a dead loved one. It still exists in your heart and mind, but it is no longer living. Treat yourself and that thought very delicately. You have to allow yourself to feel every unbearable emotion right now and TRUST that pain doesn't last forever. Keep typing how you feel to me (us). I don't know you but I care! I absolutely hate seeing good people with a broken heart. If all you can do istype over and over "this is unbearable" do that! Anything is better than checking out her pages or tempting yourself to reach her. In taking these steps you will slowly regain your power. Keep typing here all about how you feel please!

[spicolli]

Once again thank you very much I have been checking this page over and over again tonight. The thing is I don't keep tabs on her. I don't ask anybody that I know that she knows how she's doing I never check her Facebook I never check her twitter I never call her from blocked numbers. But today, today I have been doing it nonstop. It's pathetic really. she obviously never gave a **** about me that she can toss me out like this and start dating her ex-boyfriend two weeks later. The fact is when we first met she already had a DWI, She didn't Have a license I had to drive her everywhere. and the first New Year's Eve we spent together her parents Wouldn't let her stay out past 12 or even drink so we spent it in my apartment completely sober and I drove her home right after the ball drop. She was an absolute mess, She was Clinically depressed, And shortly after we started dating her father was diagnosed with cancer. There were countless times at the beginning of the relationship she told me she would not blame me if I left That this is probably too much for someone to handle. I have never been and I will never be the type of person to leave somebody in a time of need.

But even given all of that she still found it within yourself to leave me and start dating her ex-boyfriend officially two weeks after she left. Not only that but she wouldn't give me the time of day thereafter. I have been in therapy ever since the break up and it has helped immensely. However every time I pull up to my therapist office I am reminded of exactly why I'm there. Yet this person who has absolutely no difficulty throwing another human into the garbage is happy and living carefree. I'm not going to start with the woe is me and try to make people feel bad because I know for a fact so many people out there have it so much worse than I do. I don't keep tabs on her, I promise you but there's something about today that just maybe go over the edge. All of these little things lately that Have been reminding me of her. she has a very unique name but her name has been popping up all over the place lately in very unlikely spots.

This led me to believe that maybe there were something in the universe That was trying to get me to contact her. Maybe that is still the case maybe the universe wanted me to see her for who she really is And give me the final boost of courage to move on completely.

The fact of the matter however remains that I am a very insecure and shy person. I find it nearly impossible to approach girls even when my friends tell me it's blatantly obvious I'm being hit on. I'm sure the fact that I am old-fashioned when it comes to dating and don't believe in one night stands Has a lot of bearing on the fact that I'm still thinking about her. However I absolutely refuse to let somebody change me and changed the way I am let alone somebody who turned out to be as horrible of a person she really is.

There will be people on here that will tell me she's not a horrible person just because she broke up with me and I absolutely agree. What makes her a horrible person in my opinion is the lies she told me she told me when we broke up. she needed to take time to work on her school and take care of her father who was dying of a terminal cancer. I know I would not have taken it well if she would've told me she needs to break up with me so she can explore her feelings for her ex-boyfriend. But the fact that she took the route she did in my opinion makes her an absolute coward and I don't believe she deserves to be so much happier than I am

I'm sorry that I ranted for so long again I just truly do not know what to do

[PYTpisces]

It sounds like she has some major issues to sort out tho. Those issues don't magically disapper, especially after weaving in and out of relationships with little or no space in between. Idk if you're religious at all but I believe that sometimes rejection is Gods protection from something. Had you stayed together I firmly believe some type of hurt would have crept up on you in some fashion or other. Your kind of at the vortex of loss right now, and because the feelings are so intense you're not thinking too clearly. Youre mind is playing some tricks on you. Depending on what you believe, those tricks (doubt fear shame fury rage sadness) are coming from the enemy....Satan, or whatever negative entity you might believe in. I believe that Satan (and I use Satan because of my faith) is so thrilled that you are spiraling out of control right now. She doesnt sound like she has the best character in the world from what you say. She could be mother Theresa for all I care. Everybody reaps what they sow. It doesn't matter whether or not what she did to you is right or wrong. Let life or God deal with her now as they may. I think a major source of your pain is coming from feeling like the investment you made in her has been thrown back in your face. You feel empty with negative equity. With a lot of time I promise she will seem less and less like the center of your universe. It's hard to picture that day right now. So you need to walk by faith. Have faith that there is a greater purpose and reason for why you're going through this hell rigt now. Surrender to the idea that you can control this situation or the emotions overflowing in you. *hugs* thanks for spilling here. Keep it comin I might not have the words to make the pain go away but remember you're not alone and we know how you feel.

[spicolli]

I never approached it with the idea that so much of the pain was coming from feeling an investment was wasted. But that may be part of it. The issues she was having were at the beggining of the R. I firmly believe bc i introduced her to a less party oriented lifestyle with more stability that i helped her along. When we met she had just failed out of a university and was going to community college, by the time she dumped me she was going to a great school and getting good grades. She was and is a very intelligent person, so i take no part in that, however i do believe i helped her make better decisons. She was managing her depression well. I realize i am putting her on a pedastal but the reason being, im trying to prove that i do believe her issues are firmly behind her. Adding more fuel to the burning thought that she is 100% better without me, doesnt care etc.

Im glad i didnt break NC and im even happier i was able to recognize it would do jack. I just wish she would have stayed with him the whole time and our paths would have never crossed.

[PYTpisces]

So you feel like it was all in vain ? You feel like you were just a piece of the puzzle that comprises of the life she's leading now w/o you? I think that's your mind placing her on a pedestal again. There's just too much that you don't know about her life right now. It doesn't help to have all these thoughts circulating in your mind about her. You need to initiate distance from her mentally, emotionally, the whole 9. It'll help you gain perspective and put you in an entirely different head space where she is less the focal point. That takes time to do. It'll feel like your trying to dig yourself out of a hole that just keeps getting deeper. You have to start somewhere though and I think the no contact you're doing is a great start. You won't see results of your effort for a while. That's why it's a matter of walking this new road by faith...