ginger102 Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Hello, After reading a few posts on here I thought I'd write my own story and see if there is any advice that anybody could give me out there. 2 days ago my husband of two and half years walked out of our family home. Leaving behind just me and our animals. A little bit of background information, Me & My husband married after just 7 months together, we brought a house a 9 months together, and we were very young when we got married - My husband had just turned 21 and I was 22. We are now 23 and 25. We have had a very difficult marriage, we were so young and so full of hope when we first got married. After 7 months of marriage, we had an ectopic pregnancy, with complications that left me very unwell for the best part of a year. As result of this, last year I had a short lived affair, where I moved into the spare room for some space. I ended the affair and me & my husband started to get things back together. In recent months we have become futher apart than ever - We were both living as if we were single and there was alot of anger between us and neither of us were communicating as we should. He left for a week, about a month ago month ago on holiday with his family to Las Vegas, as his sister was getting married, I wasnt invited but I did agree with him he should go. 2 days later, the day before he went I had become very angry that he has no consideration for his wife when deciding to travel across the world. The night before he left he wanted to spend time with me, and Im ashamed to say I was not very nice, turning my attention to my friends, and annoying him to come out with me & them - it ended in a huge row. During his time In Las vegas, I pretty much refused to speak to him. On his return, I was still angry. I sat down and told him our marriage wasnt working, but see if we can put the building blocks down - whilst taking away some of the anger and intensitiy. It seemed this was working for a few weeks- we were discussing the future, cooking together, generally having a nice time. Until a week ago - He started acting diffrently, I asked him if we could go to the cinema or do something together, and he was saying he was tired and seem agitated. I realised he didnt want me in the house for whatever reason..So I reluctantly went out for the evening and stayed at a friends house for the night as he said he was going out with a male friend that evening anyway. Before I left the house I heard him get up and start getting ready. I didnt question it, although I did think about staying an questioning it. The next day, I came home & my husband is acting Ok- we sort out a few household things together and he goes to sleep on the sofa. I log onto the intrenet and on a social network site find out that he had been to a mutual friends housewarming party the night before - I was always invited to thier parties previously - and that his ex girlfriend had been there. I confronted him about it and he admitted she had been there. I became very emotional at the fact he had not invited me to the party, and that he had hidden the fact he had been with his ex the evening before. He then tells me he doesnt know what he wants, in regards to us. I asked him there is anybody else, he denies there is. In the week that followed, he continues saying he doesnt know what he wants. I went away this weekend with a female friend, on a prebooked holiday. I came back Monday and spoke with my husband. I was very emotional, he told me that he didnt think he could 'do this' anymore. At first we agreed he should move into the spare room, after our conversation he continued to come and go from the house and be tapping away on his mobile phone. After a few hours, I couldnt take it anymore. I spoke to him again - asked him to show me his phone, as hes telling me there is nobody else - although his actions say otherwise. He went on to delete a message before showing me the names of the first 4 people in his inbox...me & his sister. He wouldnt give me his phone, and let me read the messages - saying that he didnt want to hurt me. I knew I was acting irrationally, but I just wanted proof at the time. I argued back saying that he couldnt hurt me as anything hes said should've been said to me in the first place, he wouldnt show me still. I knew things were not right. I calmed down and made him tell me what it was he 'cant do' He told me he didnt want to be in the house we shared, he didnt want me, and couldn't be married, he made the desicion to leave the house and go back to his mothers - he left me saying that he couldnt promise what would happen in the future or that he'd come back to me. Its been two days and no contact, still very fresh. Im just wondering if there is any going back for us? If anybody has any advice on how I can 'get my husband back' after he's walked away from his wife and his home. My gut insint tells me theres a 3rd party involved on his part, although I cant be sure for 100% I miss him so much! I just want him to come home. Any constructive advice would be appricated. Thank you for taking the time to read this
JamesM Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 We are now 23 and 25. We have had a very difficult marriage, we were so young and so full of hope when we first got married. I am sorry for the pain you have. You both are young and have your future ahead of you. These problems can be overcome, but it will be difficult and take both of you. Both must want this marriage or it won't happen. After 7 months of marriage, we had an ectopic pregnancy, with complications that left me very unwell for the best part of a year. As result of this, last year I had a short lived affair, where I moved into the spare room for some space. I ended the affair and me & my husband started to get things back together. I am not sure why a miscarriage would result in an affair. You glossed over this affair in a short sentence, but in reality, his may be at the root of your problems today. Its been two days and no contact, still very fresh. Im just wondering if there is any going back for us? If anybody has any advice on how I can 'get my husband back' after he's walked away from his wife and his home. Have the two of you worked through the damage that YOUR affair caused? He may have said that he forgave you but the anger is something that can remain. Did you go to counseling? From your story, it sounds like the two of you still had unresolved issues, and he had alot of anger yet. My gut instinct tells me there's a 3rd party involved on his part, although I cant be sure for 100% I miss him so much! I just want him to come home. Any constructive advice would be appricated. Thank you for taking the time to read this His ex could be in the picture, and your gut is probably right. I think that this all stems from your affair and unresolved issues. You are not to blame for his attitude right now, but if this is at the root of your current problems, then you have somewhere to start. The big question is...does he care enough about you to come back? Can he trust YOU, and will you be able to trust him? 1
carhill Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Welcome to LS If you have a joint credit card account, my advice is to use it, fund a PI and find out about his activities for sure. That way he helps pay for his 'trust but verify'. If you're a typical young couple and bought that house in the last couple years, it's underwater or close to it, and you don't have massive assets or businesses to worry about. If he's cheating, either MC and fix it, or divorce him. It's easier to work through if you know the truth, IMO. Does he know the truth about your affair?
Author ginger102 Posted October 24, 2012 Author Posted October 24, 2012 (edited) I am sorry for the pain you have. You both are young and have your future ahead of you. These problems can be overcome, but it will be difficult and take both of you. Both must want this marriage or it won't happen. Hello, Thank you so much for such a quick, honest and polite responce. I am not sure why a miscarriage would result in an affair. You glossed over this affair in a short sentence, but in reality, his may be at the root of your problems today. It wasnt just a miscarriage, it was an ectopic pregnancy, with complications that left me heavly scarred and unable to walk for a few months. The emotional rollercoaster as well as the physical one was horredus. Once I was better we started socialising again, and some of my behavior was escapeism. I had such a naive attitude that everything was going to go as planned, and when It didnt, I wanted to run away. The affair I had was my way of escaping what had happened to me. Selfish, petty and immature. An action I deeply, deeply regret. My husband stood by me, was patient, caring and loving and I repaid him by having an affair. It is something I punish myself for everyday. Have the two of you worked through the damage that YOUR affair caused? He may have said that he forgave you but the anger is something that can remain. Did you go to counseling? From your story, it sounds like the two of you still had unresolved issues, and he had alot of anger yet. No, I dont think we ever really did work through the damaged I caused to us. My husband has always been the 'strong silent type.' In my naiviety I took this as he was OK, and thing were going to be alright. I have recently started councilling myself, as I wanted to become a 'good wife' and focus on my marriage. I was bettering myself at a time when he decides to leave. It makes it that little bit harder. I was hoping to work through my issues and then go to couples councilling so we could work together. That was the plan, until he left. His ex could be in the picture, and your gut is probably right. I think that this all stems from your affair and unresolved issues. You are not to blame for his attitude right now, but if this is at the root of your current problems, then you have somewhere to start. This is true. If he is having an affair, I can deal with that, if he comes back. I dont blame him for having an affair, as shocking as it seems, as I understand the reasons behind an affair, or the reasons he would be having an affair. Pure escape. Although at least I was honest enough last year to come clean, stay in the house and work at our marriage, where as he has just bolted to go enjoy himself with his young friends and be looked after by mum & dad, leaving me walking around an empty house. The big question is...does he care enough about you to come back? Can he trust YOU, and will you be able to trust him? I will trust him, even though I understand it will take time. I can only hope he trusts, and loves me enough to come home eventually. Whilst hes gone, and his being silent..do I just stop all communication between us? and wait for him to contact me? He will have to eventually, as we have a joint mortgage. I just want to play this the best way I can..so he knows he can come home, but I dont want to perster him whilst he's gone, as he obviously doesnt want to think about me or deal with whats going on.. Thank you again, for your honest and polite responce. It really is appricated Edited October 24, 2012 by ginger102
Author ginger102 Posted October 24, 2012 Author Posted October 24, 2012 Welcome to LS If you have a joint credit card account, my advice is to use it, fund a PI and find out about his activities for sure. That way he helps pay for his 'trust but verify'. If you're a typical young couple and bought that house in the last couple years, it's underwater or close to it, and you don't have massive assets or businesses to worry about. If he's cheating, either MC and fix it, or divorce him. It's easier to work through if you know the truth, IMO. Does he know the truth about your affair? Thank you for welcoming me to the board, and for your responce. Excuse me not knowing the terms on this board yet..What do MC mean? and PI? He does know the truth about my affair. Every detail about it. I was honest enough to come clean, cut ties and stay at home. As difficult as it was to begin with.
GuyInLimbo Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 (edited) Welcome to LS If you have a joint credit card account, my advice is to use it, fund a PI and find out about his activities for sure. That way he helps pay for his 'trust but verify'. If you're a typical young couple and bought that house in the last couple years, it's underwater or close to it, and you don't have massive assets or businesses to worry about. If he's cheating, either MC and fix it, or divorce him. It's easier to work through if you know the truth, IMO. What's the point of that? What a colossal waste of money and time. Look, it's pretty clear this relationship was doomed from the beginning. There is no saving things here. You guys are very young and given all the stuff that's gone on and how immature you've both been throughout the process, it's time to cut your losses RIGHT NOW. MC (marriage counseling) isn't going to fix this mess. You barely have any history together, and the short history you DO have has been pretty damn bad. So, why bother? Sell the house, move on, enjoy your 20's, GROW UP and figure yourself out before getting involved with anyone else. And get yourself out of the habit of blaming yourself for someone else's affair. There's no excuse. And the fact that you'd welcome him back now, after everything that's gone on between the two of you tells me a) you're co-dependent and b) very immature. This is NOT a healthy adult relationship and I'd be willing to bet the farm it never will be. Sorry to be so harsh and Dr. Phil on you, but it needs to be said. Edited October 24, 2012 by GuyInLimbo 1
JamesM Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 I will trust him, even though I understand it will take time. I can only hope he trusts, and loves me enough to come home eventually. Whilst hes gone, and his being silent..do I just stop all communication between us? and wait for him to contact me? He will have to eventually, as we have a joint mortgage. I just want to play this the best way I can..so he knows he can come home, but I dont want to perster him whilst he's gone, as he obviously doesnt want to think about me or deal with whats going on.. Thank you again, for your honest and polite responce. It really is appricated I don't think it would be a "colossal waste of time and money" if you two decided to fix this marriage. I do think that it will take both of you and some very hard work. Giving up before even trying will leave many "what if'" that will never be resolved. You will always look back and wonder if this could have been saved. If you try and save it and do not succeed, then you will know that you have at least tried. And if you succeed, then you will be thankful that you didn't listen to the naysayers who said "do not bother." I would say that you may have to wait for him. He left you, so the ball is in his court. He needs to miss you as you miss him enough to want to try again. If he doesn't come back, then you know that he doesn't love you. This may be hard to hear, but it is necessary that he WANTS to come back to you and that he doesn't do so because he feels pressured. Give this time. Do not act on emotions. You both need to think about this.
carhill Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Thank you for welcoming me to the board, and for your responce. Excuse me not knowing the terms on this board yet..What do MC mean? and PI? He does know the truth about my affair. Every detail about it. I was honest enough to come clean, cut ties and stay at home. As difficult as it was to begin with. OK, so your truth and clarity shared should open doors to equal transparency from him. After all, you were the one to have the affair and he was the aggrieved party who had/has nothing to be ashamed of or hide, so his actions can reflect that. If you had to make a statement of purpose right now, do you see a future for yourself and your husband? Take that two ways.....one if he is in fact not cheating and your suspicions are groundless and, two, if he is and you 'catch' him. Examine both scenarios. Emotionally, for yourself, right now, do you see you and he working through this? Why? Verbiage: MC = marriage counseling; PI = private investigator. Also, please refrain from posting in all bolded. We can read your normal text just fine.
Author ginger102 Posted October 24, 2012 Author Posted October 24, 2012 What's the point of that? What a colossal waste of money and time. Look, it's pretty clear this relationship was doomed from the beginning. There is no saving things here. You guys are very young and given all the stuff that's gone on and how immature you've both been throughout the process, it's time to cut your losses RIGHT NOW. MC (marriage counseling) isn't going to fix this mess. You barely have any history together, and the short history you DO have has been pretty damn bad. So, why bother? Sell the house, move on, enjoy your 20's, GROW UP and figure yourself out before getting involved with anyone else. And get yourself out of the habit of blaming yourself for someone else's affair. There's no excuse. And the fact that you'd welcome him back now, after everything that's gone on between the two of you tells me a) you're co-dependent and b) very immature. This is NOT a healthy adult relationship and I'd be willing to bet the farm it never will be. Sorry to be so harsh and Dr. Phil on you, but it needs to be said. Thank you for your opinion, I do take everything that is said on board, however..you say we are young, I am aware of this - and I knew somebody would point it out and ask 'why bother'... but our age does not make this marriage any less important or any less worth saving than a marriage that has been together formany, many years, or a marriage of somebody who is 30+. My marriage and my life with my husband is just as important as anybody elses, and I dont think for a second that it cannot be resolved. I do agree we have to come together and grow up and stop playing games, and that we have acted childish and irresponsible at times.I have older friends, 30+-40+ who have acted just as stupidly as we have at times. When emotions are involved and things are not dealt with, we are all guilty of acting in childish and irrational ways. What we have in our marriage on the basis is good - we have just been through some very, very tough circumstances that we're never resolved and dealt with in the correct way. Why bother when things have been so bad? Because I love him, we made a beautiful home together - and even without the home I'd live in a carboard box with him if I had to. When things have been so bad, I can't justify why bother? I bother because this is my marriage, the man who makes me complete, the man who I love more than anything in the world, the man I wanted, and still want to be in my future. I bother as just because we're young, I dont see why its any less important than any other marriage. I am not ready to accept that this is totally over and cannot be worked on, unless that is his choice in the matter - and even then, I know I shall still fight for it. As for being co-dependant, If worse come to worse, and my marriage does fail, I shall find a way to be on my own - I only have myself to depend on, and I wont fail in that, just as I am not now. I just want the advice to help me get my marriage back on track, hence why I asked for advice on here, if of course, it is possible. I just dont want my marriage to end as it is the most important thing to me. Again, thank you for you opinion, it is valued.
Author ginger102 Posted October 24, 2012 Author Posted October 24, 2012 I don't think it would be a "colossal waste of time and money" if you two decided to fix this marriage. I do think that it will take both of you and some very hard work. Giving up before even trying will leave many "what if'" that will never be resolved. You will always look back and wonder if this could have been saved. If you try and save it and do not succeed, then you will know that you have at least tried. And if you succeed, then you will be thankful that you didn't listen to the naysayers who said "do not bother." I would say that you may have to wait for him. He left you, so the ball is in his court. He needs to miss you as you miss him enough to want to try again. If he doesn't come back, then you know that he doesn't love you. This may be hard to hear, but it is necessary that he WANTS to come back to you and that he doesn't do so because he feels pressured. Give this time. Do not act on emotions. You both need to think about this. Thank you James for your advice, I am glad you have said you do not think of it as a "colossal waste of time and money" ...as I tend to agree with you on that. If I thought it was a waste of time and money, I would not be spending my time on this board asking for advice. I will never just throw in the towel at this point and think 'Why bother' ..There is alot to fight for here, and I will. I agree about what you said about giving up without trying, if we dont try, I will forever wonder what went wrong and if it could be fixed. I just hope my husband will think along the same lines as myself. Trying is better than doing nothing, and watching all we worked for together turn to nothing. Thank you ever so much for you advice on what to do with the here and now. I will give him the time to hopefully reflect, as I have done, and come to a decision on what he wants to do. I understand that if he doesnt come back, it mean he does not love me any longer. As much as it hurts me to think that may be the case, I know that it could be true. I shall leave him alone, and give him the space, if I can, to contact me. No matter how hard it will be. I just hope he's taking the time to think and reflect and not doing anything reckless to attempt to forget what he needs to deal with.
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