Over ten years and still cant move on

[henrysebastian]

I am having trouble on where to start this story... I met the love of my life when I was 19, I knew back then that she was the one, she is from Hong kong, I am origianally from Brasil, and my mom sent me to Hong Kong to kinda get rid of me because I was mess by my parents eyes ( I went out too much, wanted to have fun, came back home late at night ) still I think that was normal, my parents thats another story, Everything was so perfect when I met Liz, we moved in together after 3 months, but after another 3 months she just kept arguing with me about everything, so everyday was an argue and a make up sex after that which felt really nice. Then one day to complete a year of our relationship we broke up... I was tired of argueing, and she was tired of me, I understand why, I didnt work at that time, we would just being at home having sex all day, cuddle all day, be 24 hours together... My mom sent me like 1500usd per month, 1000 was rent, then i was left with 500 which is not really enough to go through, she used to work as a model, but I didnt want her to get jobs because her ****ing agents all liked her, and I was really jellous. I know my hugest mistake was not getting a job which I coulda gotten easily, but I was a stupid young kid. She was everything for me, I didnt need any friends, no family, I coulda spent 10 lives with her and still feel like the first time together everyday. After 2 months we broke up she called me and we got back together by phone late at night, I wanted to see her that same day, but she said will see eachother tomorrow, we kept talking on the phone again, she told me she started smoking, and It really hurted me to know that, because I cared about her, I told her Ill get back with you if you stop smoking, then she freaked out and said that I was controlling her life... and we broke up again that same day without seeing eachother, another month went by and she called me, and I was really tired of arguing, so I told her I was dating someone else... after that I guess everything died.

I moved back to Brasil, started working, now I am a big companys manager, I dont have everything, but I am happy with what I have. And all these 10 years there issnt one day that goes by that I dont think about her, maybe you guys think I am exagerating, but really not even one day has gone by that I didnt think about her or say her name, or talk to her to the wind. 3 years ago I had a crush on a girl, I thought she was the one that was gonna make me forget Liz, But no, everything started perfect with this girl, then we moved in together, and then the argues came again, but this time I work 11 hours a day, provide everything... I cant fill my self with any girl, I dont have much friends because I spent my life travelling, and I dont like to be alone, I hate being alone, I hate that I dont have someone in bed with me to hug, because If I dont I would spend hours before sleeping at bed thinking about liz. I am with my current gf for 3 years now, and I like her very much, but everyday she argues with me, and I cant take it anymore, I fill that my life is sinking, but still I dont want to be alone so I put up with it. I know that liz is getting married because I saw her comment on facebook asking about a wedding gown, I am really lost, I dont want to be single because I know that I am a mess, I go out everynight, do everything I like and I need someone to put the brakes on me... I dont know what I want now. I know that I want to go back in time and fix things with liz, but time travel is not a option. So I am hopeless, I feel this emptyness inside of me, and I try to talk things out with my present girlfriend but I dont get anywhere, I dont know if any of you felt talking to someone wont change anything, that is what I feel right now, my current gf she is too bossy, I am afraid to seek help with a professional, I think that it wont help me and Ill still be doomed. What should I do... How can I forget her, how can I feel complete without needing someone beside me.

[PYTpisces]

First of all, sorry you're going through this. I don't know you or your ex, but it sounds to me like you had enfatuation and lust more than love. It is really easy to get the two confused, and often enfatuation is just as hard to get over. Ten years is a bit excessive.... so that starts to make me think its obsession. Had you been in touch with her for those years? If not, were you just rehearsing all your memories with her over and over in your head? I think being alone... like single and not dating, and speaking to a profession whom you click well with is a reallllyyyyy good idea for you right now. It sounds like you may have some avoidance patterns by masking deeper issues with relationship after relationship. Its also not fair to your current signifcant others if you keep comparing them to your ex.

[Leegh]

Possibly you could contact Liz before she gets married. Engagements can be broken, it's possible she may still like you, but is unaware that you still have strong feelings for her. The up-coming holiday season is a good time to renew contacts. If you contact her, you could start off by saying "Happy Thanksgiving" or "Merry Christmas" etc., (a good ice-breaker) and see where the conversation leads. I have found it is best to make a 150% effort, then if things do not work out, you'll know you have done the best you can, and it's much easier to move on. Don't worry about her cigarette smoking, when I was younger I had smoked a lot, and people would always say things to me to get me to stop. I'm sure Liz understands why you did it, as you were trying to protect her health. Good Luck

[henrysebastian]

We lost contact like 5 years ago, we used to chatt sometimes, we made a promise to see eachother again no matter what in 2010.. I guess she met someone by then, and you are right I do reherse all those memories, specially when my actual gf argues with me, and I go on blaming myself on why did I screw up long time ago, I fight with regret alot, and it makes me feel horrible, I am not making the mistakes I did before, You get living and you learn things, at the present moment my situation with my gf its not going well, we argued like two days ago, she said she is tired, and that I am on my own, we go to bed together, tho we dont kiss goodnight for these two days, and dont talk much, I dont have the strenght to put an end to this, as I said I am afraid to be alone, And the only girl I really liked after liz is her, but I cant put up with the argues, she does not bare the weight at home to her responsabilities, and if she does anything she brags all about it, I have 3 dogs, and everytime she has to clean etc... she will do it, but she gets pissed... and that pissed makes her argue with me about anything, and I dont feel happy like that, she doesnt do 100% at home, also I never asked her to, I just dont say anything to even avoid arguing, I work hard, I do have problems sometimes at work, but I dont bring it home, Our latest argue is about smoking pot, I havent smoked for a while, I do like it because it makes me relax, and on that moment forget liz and all problems. But I dont want to hide it from her, so I tell her, I am going to smoke, then she just argues again, but I know is not about pot, because she argues with me also when I dont... I think my main problem is being afraid of being alone, I am not glued to my parents thats a another story, because I dont feel I can talk to my dad like I see people talking, and that makes me feel alone on the family side, I kept travelling alot and I dont have a friend which I can open these things to, I do have good friends but they are not here, so we cant hang out, What I have are those that I call simple friends, partying, etc... ( friends that will laugh at your joke but not cry your tears. ) Well right now I dont know where this will take me with my actual gf, we never been like this for more than two days, we actually make up at the next day. I used to go back and cuddle with her when we argued then everything went ok, or sometimes she would, but now I dont want to, but I dont have the strength to say enough, I think I want her to break it off..

[henrysebastian]

I tried contacting her, but she didnt answer, 5 years ago she already deleted me on facebook, I know that if she gets single she will look for me, but she has someone, If she is happy I am ok with it, my problem is that I play the same movie of us in my mind and regret my mistakes until today, and I dont lie when I say every single day... Sometimes I sit at the yard and stare at the stars, and then the movies starts again...

[henrysebastian]

It was one year, but I loved her so much and I still do, I did search the net for similar cases and thankfull I am not alone on this one, I agree that I shouldnt contact liz anymore, is she is unhappy I know she will look for me, but she didnt, so I think she is pretty happy with this guy, I am afraid to be alone because I know its worse, because at night I will think even more about her, I did cut everything about her, I dont have any picture of her, I burned our pictures like 8 years ago after one year of breakup, I thought that would help me, but she is still here, I think if I had the pictures I would be in a worse state... I guess I will try to seek help with a shrink, thats the least I can do, even I think that I will get to my 60s and still love her... I hope not, these 10 years has not been easy.

[PYTpisces]

Therapy will definitely help you get perspectives that you can't get on your own. It'll also help you sort out underlying problems you may have with being alone and being so attached to Liz after so long. Keep in mind that liking your therapist is important.. Especially if you plan on doin long-term treatment.

[henrysebastian]

Thank you PYTpisces

[luvtoto]

I can completely relate with your story, henrysebastian. The last 9 years have been spent pining over a man that has hurt me over and over again. A man who loved me deeply and then just deserted me without a real good reason. Leaving me to spend eternity trying to get the answers I needed from life. What did I do wrong to make him leave? Why was I so unlovable? What was really happening, was that I had unresolved grief over, for a lack of a better term, "daddy issues". Coincidentally, I had the same questions for my father. Used to believe that if I could make my ex love me, all my pain would disappear. That is not true. Once you heal your past completely, I guarantee you that what your idea of happiness will change. You deserve better. I deserve better.

Edited November 2, 2012 by luvtoto