RickFox Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 I went back and read a few of the threads I started when I first came here and I know, have known, how much of a head case I was. I can't name everyone who gave me advice, positive and negative, but it was all helpful and I want to say thank you. I've spoken to a few members inPM's and one who I maintain fairly constant contact has been nothing but helpful and supportive, thanks Circ. I was messed up, still have moments where I lose it, but I've come a long way... I think. lol. There is still alot I don't understand but I've come to terms with it for the most part, I still get angry and upset but I realize most of it is cyclical and I trudge on. Not out of the woods on anything yet, marriage is slowly being repaired and other things have happened, but day by day I go. I still find it amazing that, even as a guy, allowing emotions to come into play, an Affair can be amazingly destructive, confusing, anger producing, and the list goes on... Anyways, to all those who have provided support, information and even an internet reality slap, thank you. 7
Breathless Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 (edited) This post made me smile and sigh at the same time! I'm a bit over a year since DDay and NC and it's been one hell of a battle. But I am so happy to see both of us working on our marriages and healing (slowly but surely). I was actually feeling quite frustrated this week!!!!!! For some reason, I was remembering my friendship with my xMM and couldn't shake off the sadness. Then when I realized I was "thinking" about him - I wanted to punch myself in the face (figuratively!?!)!!! It's been over a year and I was just irked with myself that that ache came back even for a second. Sigh, I guess I have to follow your lead and come to terms with but not to completely understand! So when I saw your post and read you too have screwball moments every now and then, I let out a sigh of relief! Your post help ground me and reminded me that journey to healing both myself and my marriage has only just begun...slow and steady! Thank you for sharing...I do love reading your posts and comments! Our experiences are very similar and I can always relate to you!!!! Edited October 24, 2012 by Breathless missed a word.
Author RickFox Posted October 24, 2012 Author Posted October 24, 2012 Thank you Lady Grey, I cannot say it has been easy, as it has not. I have battled with the 'addiction' so to speak and since the A ended. I know I have a great woman at home and I am thankful. I know her road is even bumpier than mine and for that I will endure all the pain and suffering I've caused. Breathless:, I was feeling the same way a few weeks ago and I caught myself trying to look for her at our kids school and I too slapped myself, asking what is it you want and I realized I have what I want now. I've stopped trying to understand the whys, a little switch clicked and I honestly don't care anymore. I wasted so much time caring, caring about someone who didn't care and if she did at any point, that too is irrelevant now. I now understand those "aches" will come and go, but they are just memories resurfacing and they belong in the past. The rose colored glasses have come off and I see her, it, for what it was. Add to all that some things she's done as of late and I've tried to read into it only to remind myself, and be reminded, "so what". My wife likes to warn me that xMW is not done, she will return, and the logical male mind of mine doesn't see it happening, but if she does try again, as she did in May, there is nothing for me to say........ no more getting the last word in edgewise, just ....silence and for me to continue on with my life with my wife by my side and me making amends for as long as it takes. Day by day.
myname Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Maybe you can help me understand Rick, but why are you so down on the other woman in your situation, and so obsessed about what she did or didn't do? From what I can see you did exactly the same, had an affair, stayed married and as you say you're committed to your wife so why do you care that the woman you had an affair with stayed married and committed to her husband? I'll probably never get this, why married people who've chosen to stay married feel so concerned with dissing the person they had an affair with, again out of their own choice...
East7 Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Hi Rick, Very glad that you have reached some clarity. I don't have a married AP perspective as I was a single OM, but Myname is making a good point. The feeling I had all along your previous posts is that your wife was a back-up choice. Would you stay married if xMW divorced to be available for you? Would the events have been different if xMW took serious actions ? You acknowledge how much your wife has suffered of your affair, still you don't say you stayed because you chose HER. I hope you will find the right answers within yourself. All the best
Author RickFox Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 Maybe you can help me understand Rick, but why are you so down on the other woman in your situation, and so obsessed about what she did or didn't do? From what I can see you did exactly the same, had an affair, stayed married and as you say you're committed to your wife so why do you care that the woman you had an affair with stayed married and committed to her husband? I'll probably never get this, why married people who've chosen to stay married feel so concerned with dissing the person they had an affair with, again out of their own choice... I'm not down on her, and far from obsessed anymore. You're right, I had an affair, I stayed married, only difference is, my spouse knows about the affair and isn't living in the dark. Perhaps you'll never understand, but when someone proclaims to care about someone so much and then abruptly turns their back on them, it tends to piss the other person off and "dissing" them is simply par for the course on the road to recovery. Shje can be committeed to whoever she chooses, it isn't me, won't be me and that's fine by me. If I recall correctly, my final answer as to what she did, didn't do or why or why not is simply "so what." I'm not searching for answers anymore, I don't care, it doesn't bother me, I could care less if she was married or not. My life, my marriage, is moving on.
Author RickFox Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 Hi Rick, Very glad that you have reached some clarity. I don't have a married AP perspective as I was a single OM, but Myname is making a good point. The feeling I had all along your previous posts is that your wife was a back-up choice. Would you stay married if xMW divorced to be available for you? Would the events have been different if xMW took serious actions ? You acknowledge how much your wife has suffered of your affair, still you don't say you stayed because you chose HER. I hope you will find the right answers within yourself. All the best East, I believe in the past I have stated I chose her, and she never gave up on me and NO, I would not run to xMW or jump with joy if she were divorced, Im simply past the point of caring. I did choose my wife, I could have left at any point, even when xMW decided I wasn't worth anymore of her time. I stayed, my wife let me stay, and we chose together to work on us and so we have. I've found the right answers, Im where I need to be, where I WANT to be and she and I have reconnected and continue to move forward together. We are able to speak of xMW and it not cause huge blowups, and she knows that I chose her and continue to choose her every day. I want to be with my wife, not because the Affair didn't pan out but because I did see it for what it was in the end, I saw a woman who did not give up on me, despite the pain and hurt and because it was my ego that was bruised and nobody likes that. I would understand fully if my W decided to end it because it was too much, but I'd fight tooth and nail to make her see she is my #1 choice, and I do everything I can every day to show her that regardless. 2
woinlove Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 I'm not down on her, and far from obsessed anymore. You're right, I had an affair, I stayed married, only difference is, my spouse knows about the affair and isn't living in the dark. Perhaps you'll never understand, but when someone proclaims to care about someone so much and then abruptly turns their back on them, it tends to piss the other person off and "dissing" them is simply par for the course on the road to recovery. Shje can be committeed to whoever she chooses, it isn't me, won't be me and that's fine by me. If I recall correctly, my final answer as to what she did, didn't do or why or why not is simply "so what." I'm not searching for answers anymore, I don't care, it doesn't bother me, I could care less if she was married or not. My life, my marriage, is moving on. I think sometimes one can focus solely on the fact that it was an A to the exclusion of all else and that may be behind myname's questions. Of course the fact that it was an A involving deception and betrayal is HUGE and of primary importance to the BS, and perhaps even to the APs. Still, your post reminds one that even within an A there is a range of behaviors both during the A and after the A and people can distinguish themselves from each other in those behaviors. This is particularly true after the A, where some do not change and continue to be a deceitful person, perhaps a person who uses others, and others do change. I am glad you worked and are working on change. Best of luck to you.
Heather1 Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Glad to see you're moving forward w/ your W & seeing she's much more valuable than the addiction of an A. My h knows as well & has been great. He knows that I had a rough road before I met him & high risk for this. No matter what happens, our kids come 1st. I get the ups & downs...it's mostly ego & addiction. I'm saying this to myself BTW . Life lesson learned the hard way !!!
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