M30USA Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Obviously, if I didn't have children with my ex, I would move back to the state where I grew up and have lots of family and friends. But I am now forever stuck here and, to make it worse, I don't even have primary custody of my children. The divorce is fresh (2 months ago) and, while it's nice to have freedom, it would be nice to have some long-time family/friends nearby. I can't maintain a relationship with ex's family because they are so domineering that they squelch other people's identities and it was literally impossible to be who I was around them. Has anybody gone through this or is currently dealing with this?
Steen719 Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 I did. I have no family here and I decided to stay for my son in college. I wanted him to have a home base here - he is 5 hours away and it has been the right decision for me. He is not close to his dad right now and so he has a home to come to on breaks, on some weekends and summers. He is grateful I stayed. It would have been easier to go home in a lot of ways and I know that. I was tempted, sorely. But, in some ways, I think I will ultimately deal with this better as I have had a lot of time to ponder and reflect. I work from home and also have another full time job. While I do not have a large circle of friends here, I do have some and I value them greatly. I made friends at the divorce support group and do some things with them. I joined a book club, met some nice neighbors and I am just doing the best I can. I don't have as long as you do to stay there and I know it would be hard to face several years of being away from home, although I have not lived there in years (but found myself aching to go home at first) and I live in a beach resort area where it was 80 today with blue skies, so it's not too shabby. Telling you to stay busy isn't helpful, I know. But, most likely you will get more accustomed to it and spending time with your kids as they grow up will be worth it for you and for them. I wish I had some great words of comfort, but I wanted to say I did understand and wish you the best. Make the best of the time with the kids. 1
Author M30USA Posted October 24, 2012 Author Posted October 24, 2012 I did. I have no family here and I decided to stay for my son in college. I wanted him to have a home base here - he is 5 hours away and it has been the right decision for me. He is not close to his dad right now and so he has a home to come to on breaks, on some weekends and summers. He is grateful I stayed. It would have been easier to go home in a lot of ways and I know that. I was tempted, sorely. But, in some ways, I think I will ultimately deal with this better as I have had a lot of time to ponder and reflect. I work from home and also have another full time job. While I do not have a large circle of friends here, I do have some and I value them greatly. I made friends at the divorce support group and do some things with them. I joined a book club, met some nice neighbors and I am just doing the best I can. I don't have as long as you do to stay there and I know it would be hard to face several years of being away from home, although I have not lived there in years (but found myself aching to go home at first) and I live in a beach resort area where it was 80 today with blue skies, so it's not too shabby. Telling you to stay busy isn't helpful, I know. But, most likely you will get more accustomed to it and spending time with your kids as they grow up will be worth it for you and for them. I wish I had some great words of comfort, but I wanted to say I did understand and wish you the best. Make the best of the time with the kids. Wow, so your son is 5 hours away? Some people have a hard time deciding to stay even when their kids are living in the same town--let alone 5 hours away. That's great. My kids are 2.5 hours away at their primary residence with their mom. I get them standard possession 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends and alternating holidays. As you said, I try to make the most of my time with them. You start to realize that sometimes life just CAN'T be ideal and perfect. You gotta keep moving and just play your cards the best you can. Thanks for your response.
carhill Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Glad to read all those machinations are over and you have your judgment. Since you'll be there 'forever', I guess now's as good a time as any to start making friends. My family is all dead so I'm essentially in the same boat. As an example, a friend's wife and I went on a 'Walk to end Alzheimer's' last Saturday, since both our parents died of the disease, and I met a number of people with whom I could have kept in touch with as a result of that common interest. Had I zero friends in the area, I might have been more interested in pursuing that, or becoming involved with the local organization. People are everywhere. It appears you have a fair amount of time when not enjoying visitation with your children so that leaves open opportunities. IMO, it's a little like starting life over after death. In my case, my last family member died two months before my D was final, so I dealt with two deaths in short order. Life goes on. Every day is important. Make them count. Good luck. 1
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