Just ended affair and want him back already!!

[michellew]

Although I have read these discussion boards many times to seek advice regarding my current situation as someone's mistress, I am new to posting and just needed a place for support in getting me through a recent "break-up" with my married "boyfriend”. I feel so alone and empty right now and need the strength to stick to my decision to end things even though every string is pulling at my heart to contact him. To give you some background info, I will tell you how it began before working my way up to last night's end of the affair....

 

Three months ago I met this amazing man. He was funny, charming, tall, handsome, sexy, successful, and we had so much in common. He was almost too good to be true; we had the kind of connection you only find in movies. It was a whirlwind romance from the day we laid eyes on each other. We immediately dove right into a relationship and within three weeks, I had my own key to his apartment. We were inseparable and soon the “I love yous” came. I never would have guessed he was married because none of the obvious signs were there. Afterall, I had my own key, we were out in public all the time, no weird calls, regular sleepovers, etc. I practically lived with him and there was never any sign of a wife in his apartment!

 

Then one weekend, about a month in to our relationship, he drove to a town about 7 hours away to visit his kids that he said lived there with their mother. (When we first met, he told me he had been divorced for 5 years and he visited his two kids monthly and stayed in a hotel when he drove to see them. The military is what brought him to my town at the end of 2011; his service time is up within the next few months.) Anyway, so he went to visit his kids and this is when I noticed something wasn’t right. He went from texting and calling me all the time, to only emails. I asked him why and he said it was because his kids always had his phone to play apps and he turned off text messaging so they wouldn’t see any “playful” texts that I occasionally send. This didn’t sit right with me so I began to do some internet searches which led me to discover the facebook page of a woman with a picture of him and her as her profile photo. It was his wife! I skimmed through every photo on her page and was absolutely in shock and devastated to learn about this other life. I did notice that all of the photos were about 6 years old and she hadn’t posted anything since October of 2011 so I thought maybe he was separated or divorced, but she just hadn’t logged on in a while.

I sent him an email, confronting him about it and ending our relationship, stating that I am not going to be a homewrecker. When he got back, we talked about it and he convinced me that it wasn’t what I thought. Yes, he was still married, but was miserable and it was complicated. He said when he visits, he sleeps on the couch and she is very cold to him. I decided to believe him and stay with him even though he never said there were plans for a divorce. I thought to myself, “he is leaving anyway when his time in the military is up; I am going to just enjoy the time we have left together until he goes back home to his family.” This sounded easy, until he made a few more trips back home during our three months together. They were the WORST weekends of my life. Even though he was always doing something with his kids and stayed up texting and emailing me every night for hours while he was there, I couldn’t help but think he was having sex marathons with his wife and holding her the way he holds me. I did not believe him when he said his marriage was sexless.

 

After spending a wonderful weekend with him this past weekend and last night after getting off of work and spending the evening together, he mentioned he was going home this weekend and next weekend to see his kids. That, in addition to hearing a song called “Beautiful” by Mercy Me, is what finally drew me over the edge. I sent him an email around midnight, telling him I couldn’t do this anymore and I didn’t want to be that woman who waits around for something she will never have. I hate the trips home and how sick they make me and didn’t want to put myself through that again. However, ending it feels even WORSE than those trips. I cried while writing the break up email and for hours after sending it. I haven't slept and I’ve cried all day at work when no one is around. I miss him so much and can’t imagine never seeing him again, especially since things were going so well these past few days. It's easier to end things with someone who is a jerk to you. Things were opposite with him. Since he didn't have to hide me because she was 7 hours away, I never felt like a "normal" mistress which is why it was so easy to fall in love so quickly.

 

When will this get easier? I ended a 5 year relationship/engagement a few years ago and it did not feel this horrible. I have never loved anyone like I do this man. Help me move on!

[alicia1217]

Stay strong <3 I just ended my 7 month affair last week and it is devastating to me, but it's the right thing to do. You just have to put yourself in his wife's/child's position and think about it

[veryhappy]

You did the right thing for everyone, especially yourself. Think about it...if he gets a divorce he is free to show up in your life again.

 

It will be hard, and you are right that you had to do something that it's harder than staying with him. Do not go back, each additional breakup gets more difficult.

[michellew]

Alicia, I have tried putting myself in her shoes, but it's so hard! I am jealous and angry at her for not treating him as good as I do or appreciating him like me. If she did, he wouldn't be with me to begin with.

 

I know it's the right thing, but so hard. Glad to see you've made it a week though! That gives me hope. Has he tried contacting you? I asked mine not to and he will probably respect my wishes.

 

For the record, I want everyone to know that if I knew he was married in the beginning, I NEVER would have put myself in this situation. By the time I found out, I was so far in love, it was too hard to end it at that time. I used to judge women like me and now I understand. I am an educated, very attractive, confident, smart, successful woman, which makes this even more confusing. I don't know who

I am anymore.

[RickFox]

So he lied to you about being married, and yet you believe him on just how HORRIBLE his marraige is. Perhaps it isn't as bad as he makes it out to be. Stay away long enough and the rose colored glasses will soon come off.

[veryhappy]

It's okay and normal to feel some negative feelings towards the BW, but you need to eventually put the blame where it rightfully belongs. On the MM. He was the one lying about being separated. That has nothing to do with how she treats him. Do not shift the blame from him to her.

 

Stay strong, and you'll get through it.

[perfection walking]

Girl, you are waaay better off without a married man. You have already demonstrated more courage than most of us OW by breaking it off at three months instead of waiting years for your MM to become available.

 

Stay strong, stay the NC course, you can do it. The crying will stop in about a week. You'll have good days and bad days. Whats helped be remain NC is coming here for support, reading the OW posts and realizing A's are not special, once in a life time loves. Instead they are made up of lies and deceit. Love doesnt hurt but being the OW sure does.

 

Btw - I ended 2.5 year A almost 3 weeks ago and its amazing how much clarity NC brings and how much better I feel about myself in such a short time. Still have a ways to go but I'm feeling pretty darn good about my progress and you will too is you stick to your guns!!

 

((Good luck))

[2sure]

There is a special place in hell for MM that don't tell OW they ARE OW from the get go.

 

And there are all kinds of reasons they give. They are seperated with divorce on its way, they knew you were special and didn't want to lose you, they are working undercover and the marriage is a beard, the wife was an illegal and needed a visa. I'm not kidding, you will find all of these stories here.

 

My xH sometimes told women I was dead. Just while he was out of town I guess.

 

Whatever the reason he gives...the real reason is that he wanted something from you so much that he didn't want to risk you saying No because it would hurt you, compromise your integrity , or put you at risk. In other words, he wanted what he wanted and lying to get It was fine.

 

I think infidelity sucks all the way around, and I'm a BS so no surprise there. But MM that don't tell women they are married really are the worst.

 

He took away your ability to protect yourself from this garbage when he lied to you. He decided you would be in this position.

 

It's harder to leave him now even though you know the truth because you have

feelings for him ....he is counting on that.

[whichwayisup]

I sent him an email, confronting him about it and ending our relationship, stating that I am not going to be a homewrecker. When he got back, we talked about it and he convinced me that it wasn’t what I thought. Yes, he was still married, but was miserable and it was complicated. He said when he visits, he sleeps on the couch and she is very cold to him. I decided to believe him and stay with him even though he never said there were plans for a divorce. I thought to myself, “he is leaving anyway when his time in the military is up; I am going to just enjoy the time we have left together until he goes back home to his family.” This sounded easy, until he made a few more trips back home during our three months together. They were the WORST weekends of my life.

 

You chose to believe him. He is not divorced, nor is he 'about to' divorce. The man is playing you for a fool, I hope you see this? Stop letting your emotions get in the way and see this for what it is. He more or less ignores you when he goes home to be with his wife and kids. I'm calling BULLSH.T on the "we sleep in separate bedrooms/my wife is cold to me" .. Remember ,you're choosing to believe a guy who's knowingly lied to you from the start.

 

3 months and you're already this crazy attached to him? This isn't healthy.

 

DO NOT contact him . This guy is married and his children, isn't divorcing, that's a fact.

 

Remember the pain he's caused in you such a short time. Think of his wife who probably is clueless here. My guess is, their marriage is fine, he's happy enough but likes the attention from another woman. The other day there was an article on yahoo, 10 reasons why men cheat. Google it and make note that some guys will still, even if they still love their wives - They still want more and the sex is just that - Sex and excitement ..Yet NO plans on divorcing ever.

 

He is lying to you. be strong and remember why you've ended it. Grieve the loss, call your closest women friends and ask them to help you through this.

[whichwayisup]

Alicia, I have tried putting myself in her shoes, but it's so hard! I am jealous and angry at her for not treating him as good as I do or appreciating him like me. If she did, he wouldn't be with me to begin with.

 

Well, imagine how she would feel seeing she's the one who's married to him, had his children, built a life with him, has a history with him. Magnify YOUR hurt and pain and jealously x1000, then that's how she feels. Again, you're letting your heart and emotions rule over common sense and compassion towards her. I bet you think she isn't real either, has no value.

 

Do you not see he is LYING to you about his wife? I doubt very much she's awful to him..Treats him poorly and you are better to him than she is. Come on, he's fed you some real bullshi.t lines and you've fallen for every single word of it. What makes you more special than the woman he said vows to in front of family friends, the woman who has his children? Think about that. He lies to her, so why wouldn't he lie or omit truths from you....... Do consider that. Please. He of course is going to tell you things aren't great with her. WHy would he tell you his marriage is good and he's having sex with his wife? How is that going to help him progress the affair with you and have sex with you if he tells you great things about his wife and his marriage? THINK about that, objectively...

 

For the record, I want everyone to know that if I knew he was married in the beginning, I NEVER would have put myself in this situation. By the time I found out, I was so far in love, it was too hard to end it at that time. I used to judge women like me and now I understand. I am an educated, very attractive, confident, smart, successful woman, which makes this even more confusing. I don't know who

I am anymore.

Yet, you still chose to go on, 3 months vs a long marriage with kids. You knew what he was capable of .. LYING yet you still went on, blind faith?

 

Do get counseling so you can stay strong and stay away from him. You're smart, beautiful and you're going to be okay. You were functioning fine before he came into your life, you'll be okay again once you work through the pain.

 

Be glad this happened now, 3 months in. Imagine 3 years or more!

 

Trust this. He has not left his wife. HE goes home to visit her and shuts you out of his life. You probably haven't met any one from his family or any of his friends... Nor his kids.. You are a tiny portion of his life which he's kept hidden and secret.. you deserve better and more than being his OW.

 

It'll hurt but you'll be fine and come out of this even stronger. Don't let yourself get caught up in the fantasy of this..You don't know him that well, he's a liar and you've made him out to be a loving, sweet man who's shi.t doesn't stink. The man is scummy and should be ashamed of how he's acting, not only towards you but his wife and betraying his family unit as one. He is pretending to be this 'stand up' guy to everybody yet he is sneaking off and doing the worst thing a husband can do to his wife.. Cheat on her and hurt her in the worst way possible.

 

Again, magnify your pain 1000000 times, that's how his wife will feel if she finds out the truth.

[2sure]

Alicia, I have tried putting myself in her shoes, but it's so hard! I am jealous and angry at her for not treating him as good as I do or appreciating him like me. If she did, he wouldn't be with me to begin with.

 

QUOTE]

 

That's complete nonsense. Seriously. Why on earth would you think this?

He is a LIAR. That's not his wife's fault. You said yourself he was too good to be true.

[michellew]

I'd like to apologize for the comment about his wife; I don't think it came out right. I know she is definitely not to blame. HE is to blame and I put this pain on myself by continuing the affair after I found out about her. He just painted this bad picture of their marriage and I believed it because during his visits home, we would email and text for hours on end at night and he would call, text, email all day long when she was at school or he was running errands. Stupid, I know, but I just figured if they were that into each other, she'd notice her husband staring at his phone or iPad all weekend long. When he would return to his life over here, I had his full attention and we spent every waking moment together, there was no sneaking around. What I meant earlier was I guess I am selfishly angry and jealous of her for having the life I want with him, but now that I am here, reading everyone's replies, I am realizing I DON'T want her life or him. He would do the same thing to me eventually.

 

I know some of you are thinking, "Three months?? That's nothing." I know it sounds crazy, but like I said before, it was a whirlwind that I've never experienced before. He knew more about me than even my ex-fiance ever did. We stayed up for hours on end just talking and having fun. We could be ourselves around each other and it was like time stood still during all the time we spent together, which was almost every day since we met, minus the few visits home and when we were working. Weekends together were also a given. I'd pack my suitcase, head to his house on Friday nights and not come home until Sunday night. I did not have the typical experience of the OW.

 

It sounds as if I'm trying to rationalize everything, but I promise I am not or I wouldn't be here, using this site as a support system so that I don't take him back. Your posts are really helping me see things for what they truly are and I appreciate your honesty and telling me like it is, especially you, whichwayisup. Thank you so much; this is exactly what I need to get through this.

[michellew]

There's a good way to help you move on - do yourself a huge favor and please go talk to this guy's wife and she will give you a much needed jolt back into reality.

 

Have you blocked his email and phone number?

 

No, I have not told his wife about the affair, nor do I want to or plan on it. I'm sure she knows deep inside, but chooses to pretend it does not exist. When I first decided to continue the affair, I told myself that I wanted him to be with me in the long run because his marriage didn't work out, not because he left her for me. I had this crazy picture in my head that we would just enjoy the last few months we had together until he left the military and returned home. From there, the affair would end, he would be home full time and the marriage would dissolve on it's own due to their other problems. Then later on down the road, when divorced, our paths would cross and we'd start over again with a first date and do it right this time. I guess we both were living in a fantasy world.

 

I did not block his email or phone number, nor have I heard from him since I hit send last night. In my email, I asked him to not fight me on this or try to win me back. I told him if he really loved me as much as he says, he'd let me go. I think he will respect my wishes.

[couldhavebeen]

Think of it this way... 3 months is way better than 2 years and 10 months...

I know it sucks and I am still trying to let him go until now. So, while you still have the strength to get out.. GET OUT FAST.

[waterwoman]

No, I have not told his wife about the affair, nor do I want to or plan on it. I'm sure she knows deep inside, but chooses to pretend it does not exist.

 

Beleive me, I'll bet she doesn't know, deep down or anywhere else! When you are with someone long term and spend most of your days and nights together, doing the banal and domestic stuff that people do, you expect things to ebb and flow between you. You have good times and bad times. She may just be thinking 'it's his work, he's tired and stressed' or even more likely 'we're just going through a bad patch, I'll see what I can do to make him happier' I very much doubt she has any suspicions he is having an affair. She trusts him as she should so, unless she's been on this roundabout before and if she has it wouldn't bode that well for you anyway.

 

Stay strong !

[hurtnomorerika]

Hi, I made an account just to reply to your post. You are not alone! I'm going through the same situation. Long story short, I met a wonderful man, I loved everything about him. He was everything I ever wanted. Just like your guy, he brought me to his home, introduced me to his 5 year old daughter, I knew where he worked, we would meet in public. He would visit different times day/night. I had no reason to believe that he was being dishonest with me. By the time I found out he was married , I was in LOVE AND PREGNANT! I was completely devastated and still am. I ended up have a miscarriage. A year and two months, later Im still seeing him. Actually, about two weeks ago, we got into a big fight and I told him it was over like really over this time. He's called, but we still havent spoke, I miss him so much to where its depressing me. I feel like Im mentally crazy and at my last peak. I miss his touch and GOD, THE SEX IS AMAZING!!! Ive tried several times before to end it but, he just keeps coming back and I cant help but to give in. I wrote all this to say and trust me there's more to this story but Im not gonna keep going, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I also, was never the type to mess with married men because of the lying, and lonely nights, holidays, sneaking around. That just wasnt my thing, and somehow I find myself in the mess I tried so hard to avoid. I love my MM, but I want so desperately to move on, and we will in time. Just keep busy, and dont let it destroy you, be strong. I just wonder why do they do things they do? Sorry for the long post.

[hurtnomorerika]

There is a special place in hell for MM that don't tell OW they ARE OW from the get go.

 

And there are all kinds of reasons they give. They are seperated with divorce on its way, they knew you were special and didn't want to lose you, they are working undercover and the marriage is a beard, the wife was an illegal and needed a visa. I'm not kidding, you will find all of these stories here.

 

My xH sometimes told women I was dead. Just while he was out of town I guess.

 

Whatever the reason he gives...the real reason is that he wanted something from you so much that he didn't want to risk you saying No because it would hurt you, compromise your integrity , or put you at risk. In other words, he wanted what he wanted and lying to get It was fine.

 

I think infidelity sucks all the way around, and I'm a BS so no surprise there. But MM that don't tell women they are married really are the worst.

 

He took away your ability to protect yourself from this garbage when he lied to you. He decided you would be in this position.

 

It's harder to leave him now even though you know the truth because you have

feelings for him ....he is counting on that.[/QUOTE]

 

You hit it right on the nail! I just dont understand why its so hard to just be honest. Let me decide if that was the kind of relationship, I want to be in. It makes me angry that he made the decision for me. When I found out, my feelings were very much involved and I was pregnant so it made it even more deep. To this day, he's never really explained why he does what he does. I admit, I have been a complete fool in love.

[2sure]

You hit it right on the nail! I just dont understand why its so hard to just be honest. was Let me decide if that was the kind of relationship, I want to be in. It makes me angry that he made the decision for me. When I found out, my feelings were very much involved and Ipregnant so it made it even more deep. To this day, he's never really explained why he does what he does. I admit, I have been a complete fool in love.

 

Yet another instance when the exact same thing can be said BS

[MissBee]

Although I have read these discussion boards many times to seek advice regarding my current situation as someone's mistress, I am new to posting and just needed a place for support in getting me through a recent "break-up" with my married "boyfriend”. I feel so alone and empty right now and need the strength to stick to my decision to end things even though every string is pulling at my heart to contact him. To give you some background info, I will tell you how it began before working my way up to last night's end of the affair....

 

Three months ago I met this amazing man. He was funny, charming, tall, handsome, sexy, successful, and we had so much in common. He was almost too good to be true; we had the kind of connection you only find in movies. It was a whirlwind romance from the day we laid eyes on each other. We immediately dove right into a relationship and within three weeks, I had my own key to his apartment. We were inseparable and soon the “I love yous” came. I never would have guessed he was married because none of the obvious signs were there. Afterall, I had my own key, we were out in public all the time, no weird calls, regular sleepovers, etc. I practically lived with him and there was never any sign of a wife in his apartment!

 

Then one weekend, about a month in to our relationship, he drove to a town about 7 hours away to visit his kids that he said lived there with their mother. (When we first met, he told me he had been divorced for 5 years and he visited his two kids monthly and stayed in a hotel when he drove to see them. The military is what brought him to my town at the end of 2011; his service time is up within the next few months.) Anyway, so he went to visit his kids and this is when I noticed something wasn’t right. He went from texting and calling me all the time, to only emails. I asked him why and he said it was because his kids always had his phone to play apps and he turned off text messaging so they wouldn’t see any “playful” texts that I occasionally send. This didn’t sit right with me so I began to do some internet searches which led me to discover the facebook page of a woman with a picture of him and her as her profile photo. It was his wife! I skimmed through every photo on her page and was absolutely in shock and devastated to learn about this other life. I did notice that all of the photos were about 6 years old and she hadn’t posted anything since October of 2011 so I thought maybe he was separated or divorced, but she just hadn’t logged on in a while.

I sent him an email, confronting him about it and ending our relationship, stating that I am not going to be a homewrecker. When he got back, we talked about it and he convinced me that it wasn’t what I thought. Yes, he was still married, but was miserable and it was complicated. He said when he visits, he sleeps on the couch and she is very cold to him. I decided to believe him and stay with him even though he never said there were plans for a divorce. I thought to myself, “he is leaving anyway when his time in the military is up; I am going to just enjoy the time we have left together until he goes back home to his family.” This sounded easy, until he made a few more trips back home during our three months together. They were the WORST weekends of my life. Even though he was always doing something with his kids and stayed up texting and emailing me every night for hours while he was there, I couldn’t help but think he was having sex marathons with his wife and holding her the way he holds me. I did not believe him when he said his marriage was sexless.

 

After spending a wonderful weekend with him this past weekend and last night after getting off of work and spending the evening together, he mentioned he was going home this weekend and next weekend to see his kids. That, in addition to hearing a song called “Beautiful” by Mercy Me, is what finally drew me over the edge. I sent him an email around midnight, telling him I couldn’t do this anymore and I didn’t want to be that woman who waits around for something she will never have. I hate the trips home and how sick they make me and didn’t want to put myself through that again. However, ending it feels even WORSE than those trips. I cried while writing the break up email and for hours after sending it. I haven't slept and I’ve cried all day at work when no one is around. I miss him so much and can’t imagine never seeing him again, especially since things were going so well these past few days. It's easier to end things with someone who is a jerk to you. Things were opposite with him. Since he didn't have to hide me because she was 7 hours away, I never felt like a "normal" mistress which is why it was so easy to fall in love so quickly.

 

When will this get easier? I ended a 5 year relationship/engagement a few years ago and it did not feel this horrible. I have never loved anyone like I do this man. Help me move on!

 

 

Hi michelle,

 

I can relate to so much of your situation.

 

1. Whirlwind romances ---- often a warning more than a blessing. I learned that the hard way. One of my recent exes was a guy who, like you, after three weeks I was at his home all the while, meeting his child, and it really was too much, too soon and ended with a crash. I find that relationships that build slowly allow you the chance to step back, critique it, see the red flags instead of run full speed into the lovely feelings. I dated this guy for a few months, like you, and it took me 2 YEARS to move on! Lots of factors played into why it took me so long...one being my inability to do complete NC. So my advice would be to consider that as you try to move forward.

 

2. When I was in the A, I too didn't feel like the "regular OW" because he did not live with her so I could call him anytime and there were less restrictions on his time and no obvious hiding and things like that. I knew they had a child together, but initially when we met, we were just acquaintances and he too would distance himself, calling her his child's mother and not making it clear that they were together. They also weren't married, so that made it easier to assume they must have broken up, as people in relationships do with less fanfare than a married couple. Like you, I then learned they were in fact still involved. He misled me. I am sure he had his reasons...but he nonetheless did and that was NOT okay. Unlike you though, I stayed after finding out. I think your choice not to stay is a wise one. He has had a chance to know what it is like to be with you and know how you feel about him and know you're not okay with being his OW. He needs to figure out how to be with you in an open way or not.

 

3. Life does go on and get better. Believe me . I think after any relationship, esp. whirlwinds, we often feel like we can neeeever find another and never love again....but I think that's largely dependent on our own mindset and willingness to move on. I thought I'd never get over my whirlwind...and going on 2 years of still being "inlove" I almost believed it! I was wrong. I did move on and am happy. So it does get better, it just takes time and also lots of awareness and effort to move forward.

[michellew]

Beleive me, I'll bet she doesn't know, deep down or anywhere else! When you are with someone long term and spend most of your days and nights together, doing the banal and domestic stuff that people do, you expect things to ebb and flow between you. You have good times and bad times. She may just be thinking 'it's his work, he's tired and stressed' or even more likely 'we're just going through a bad patch, I'll see what I can do to make him happier' I very much doubt she has any suspicions he is having an affair. She trusts him as she should so, unless she's been on this roundabout before and if she has it wouldn't bode that well for you anyway.

 

Stay strong !

 

 

Unfortunately she has been down this roundabout before, a year or so ago. They were officially separated and he was openly dating. He had a girlfriend his wife supposedly knew about, broke up with this girlfriend, and decided to get back with his wife. The girlfriend was irrate and caused all sorts of problems between them and his military career. Now that I think about it, the "officially separated and openly dating" scenario was probably a lie to me as well. The only problems she probably caused was telling the wife and the military about his affair. I don't want to be that crazy mistress that makes life worse for the wife and kids; I'm sure they have enough problems as it is and she will eventually find out on her own if she isn't already suspicious.

[michellew]

Hi, I made an account just to reply to your post. You are not alone! I'm going through the same situation. Long story short, I met a wonderful man, I loved everything about him. He was everything I ever wanted. Just like your guy, he brought me to his home, introduced me to his 5 year old daughter, I knew where he worked, we would meet in public. He would visit different times day/night. I had no reason to believe that he was being dishonest with me. By the time I found out he was married , I was in LOVE AND PREGNANT! I was completely devastated and still am. I ended up have a miscarriage. A year and two months, later Im still seeing him. Actually, about two weeks ago, we got into a big fight and I told him it was over like really over this time. He's called, but we still havent spoke, I miss him so much to where its depressing me. I feel like Im mentally crazy and at my last peak. I miss his touch and GOD, THE SEX IS AMAZING!!! Ive tried several times before to end it but, he just keeps coming back and I cant help but to give in. I wrote all this to say and trust me there's more to this story but Im not gonna keep going, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I also, was never the type to mess with married men because of the lying, and lonely nights, holidays, sneaking around. That just wasnt my thing, and somehow I find myself in the mess I tried so hard to avoid. I love my MM, but I want so desperately to move on, and we will in time. Just keep busy, and dont let it destroy you, be strong. I just wonder why do they do things they do? Sorry for the long post.

 

 

I hope that my post could help you in some way. It has been 36 hours since I've had any contact with him (the break up email I sent), which is the LONGEST we've ever gone without any communincation. Without this forum, I don't think I could have made it through last night without caving in and texting him. When I want to contact him, I come here instead. I even posted something on Craigslist's "Missed Connections" section last night to let some feelings out to him without him knowing it's me. (Crazy, I know, but it helps.) Even though you and I aren't your typical "OW" (my MM's wife lives 7 hours away), the fact remains, THEY ARE STILL MARRIED and it's not acceptable for us to settle for that. We can get through this!!

[michellew]

Hi michelle,

 

I can relate to so much of your situation.

 

1. Whirlwind romances ---- often a warning more than a blessing. I learned that the hard way. One of my recent exes was a guy who, like you, after three weeks I was at his home all the while, meeting his child, and it really was too much, too soon and ended with a crash. I find that relationships that build slowly allow you the chance to step back, critique it, see the red flags instead of run full speed into the lovely feelings. I dated this guy for a few months, like you, and it took me 2 YEARS to move on! Lots of factors played into why it took me so long...one being my inability to do complete NC. So my advice would be to consider that as you try to move forward.

 

2. When I was in the A, I too didn't feel like the "regular OW" because he did not live with her so I could call him anytime and there were less restrictions on his time and no obvious hiding and things like that. I knew they had a child together, but initially when we met, we were just acquaintances and he too would distance himself, calling her his child's mother and not making it clear that they were together. They also weren't married, so that made it easier to assume they must have broken up, as people in relationships do with less fanfare than a married couple. Like you, I then learned they were in fact still involved. He misled me. I am sure he had his reasons...but he nonetheless did and that was NOT okay. Unlike you though, I stayed after finding out. I think your choice not to stay is a wise one. He has had a chance to know what it is like to be with you and know how you feel about him and know you're not okay with being his OW. He needs to figure out how to be with you in an open way or not.

 

3. Life does go on and get better. Believe me . I think after any relationship, esp. whirlwinds, we often feel like we can neeeever find another and never love again....but I think that's largely dependent on our own mindset and willingness to move on. I thought I'd never get over my whirlwind...and going on 2 years of still being "inlove" I almost believed it! I was wrong. I did move on and am happy. So it does get better, it just takes time and also lots of awareness and effort to move forward.

 

 

Thank you so much for sharing! I feel a lot better today knowing that I am not alone. I woke up with positive thoughts, picked out my best work dress, did my hair and make-up, and look amazing today! I'm not going to waste anymore time on crying over him!! I have fastforwarded to the "angry" stage of grieving thanks to everyone's insight which has allowed me to escape the cloud I was in and see this man for who he truly was, a LIAR. Although our last days together were absolutely amazing and there was no fight to bring on my decision to end things, I have to think past that and look at the situation as a whole. If he lied to me about being married for the first month we were together, then I am sure everything else after that has been a lie too.

[heartinlove]

the fact remains, THEY ARE STILL MARRIED and it's not acceptable for us to settle for that. We can get through this!!

 

I really like that sentence. You are doing great. Just stay no contact. My bet is he will contact you at some point so just have an answer ready.

 

Everyone's right. The longer you stay, the harder to leave. I just left my situation after 2 years.

 

I think it makes it easier if you just see it in black and white. Still married then there's no place for you, and there really is not much more to know than that.

 

Its so easy for women in the ow position to empathize with all the million reasons why these MM cant be honest with their wives and make clear decisions on their marriages, but we're all just cheating our own lives when we do that. I finally saw that by staying in this scenario, Im just supporting lying as a way of a living. Clarity does come with distance. And no matter how much I love someone, thats just not healthy for anyone. Stay strong!

[MissBee]

I really like that sentence. You are doing great. Just stay no contact. My bet is he will contact you at some point so just have an answer ready.

 

Everyone's right. The longer you stay, the harder to leave. I just left my situation after 2 years.

 

I think it makes it easier if you just see it in black and white. Still married then there's no place for you, and there really is not much more to know than that.

 

Its so easy for women in the ow position to empathize with all the million reasons why these MM cant be honest with their wives and make clear decisions on their marriages, but we're all just cheating our own lives when we do that. I finally saw that by staying in this scenario, Im just supporting lying as a way of a living. Clarity does come with distance. And no matter how much I love someone, thats just not healthy for anyone. Stay strong!

 

The bold is so beautifully put.

 

I think indeed many OW get caught up in their "love" and the desire to understand the "split self" and what ever other problems this man has...it's all good and well to be empathetic, but most do so at the risk of cheating on their own lives and ultimate happiness...especially those OW who are sold the story that if they somehow are patient, somehow defend why he can't, one day they will get the reward of him finally becoming strong (through her diligent support) and leave to be with her.

 

Nothing is wrong with love. But what is love without the right circumstances? I'm going through something like this right now and will probably share about it on LS soon...i.e. separating from a situation that had lots of love but was just too difficult and problematic and having it come back later with the right circumstances this time!

 

 

I agree that distance often does provide clarity...

[firstandlast]

Without this forum, I don't think I could have made it through last night without caving in and texting him. When I want to contact him, I come here instead.

 

Funny...me too!