Woggle Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 In between marriages I dated quite a bit and I could have even had serious relationships with some of these women if I wanted. One FWB actually wanted to marry but I never went any further with them. The main reason is because the only reason they wanted me was because I didn't want them. They cared nothing about me as a person but I was a challenge to be won. Once they won the distancing process would have begun. The woman I married on the other hand was much different. We actually got to know each other as friends and a real connection not based on stupid craving for challenge and drama developed. I actually opened up to her and displayed me feelings and it hasn't caused to her to lost interest and attraction. 7
threebyfate Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 The woman I married on the other hand was much different. We actually got to know each other as friends and a real connection not based on stupid craving for challenge and drama developed. I actually opened up to her and displayed me feelings and it hasn't caused to her to lost interest and attraction.Hurrah, hurrah!! This is exactly what everyone has been telling you all along. That the silly game of who cares less doesn't work for emotionally healthy relationships!! 3
xdahliax Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Is this a diary entry or am I missing the question?
Author Woggle Posted October 24, 2012 Author Posted October 24, 2012 Hurrah, hurrah!! This is exactly what everyone has been telling you all along. That the silly game of who cares less doesn't work for emotionally healthy relationships!! It took a long time but it is finally sinking in. I do think for people who haven't found yet though it can be very difficult in this day and age. 1
Author Woggle Posted October 24, 2012 Author Posted October 24, 2012 Is this a diary entry or am I missing the question? Just sort of making a point about how game playing won't get you a quality person. I never played games during those dates but it's the same concept. 2
threebyfate Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 It took a long time but it is finally sinking in. I do think for people who haven't found yet though it can be very difficult in this day and age.If people hide themselves, they deserve to be dumped since their partners never knew them in the first place so how could they love the real person? You're damned lucky that your wife saw through you. Bet she wasn't surprised when you opened up to her.
olivec Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 It took a long time but it is finally sinking in. I do think for people who haven't found yet though it can be very difficult in this day and age. I hope to find what you have someday woggle. The last two girls i dated all they wanted was flings which has frustrated me alot. Not sure how old you are but when i was in my 20s i didnt care about relationships. Now im in my 30s and want something real, but has been a struggle to find it. i'm almost at the point of skipping my 30s and try again in my 40s lol. Anyway glad you found that special person. It gives me some hope.
Mrlonelyone Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 The problem is Woggle... Too often the term "friend" is used to mean someone who's been romantically ruled out. Except when it dosen't mean that, and it can be hard to tell. For most of us it's just best to walk away from such "friendship". All one will do is hold out a false hope and be heartbroken or have to break the heart of someone they have come to know.
carhill Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Wog's how did you know if the other women would respond negatively from you 'opening up' if you never did so? The only way to know is to go through the process and see how it goes. You did that with your wife and it worked out. That's wonderful. If you had done so with the other ladies and ended up getting left, used, abused, manipulated, etc, then you could state with authority that it wasn't true love, rather wanting what they couldn't have and, later, dismissing what they could have. Something to consider. The anecdotes I share here on LS are real life instances of such openness, a natural part of my style of pursuing romance, and the failures are ones where it was open and real and it failed. No guessing and often a goodly amount of pain. I don't have any of the anecdotes regarding playing women and leaving them wanting what they can't have simply because it's never happened. Should it have? What I'm reading here, so far, is no, it's better to be transparent for an emotionally healthy relationship, like you have with your current wife, and live with the attendant risks. I would like to think that's a predominant viewpoint, but unfortunately my real encounters with women in life have taught me otherwise, yet the old tape keeps playing, albeit a little worn with age. Good luck in your life and relations. 3
Author Woggle Posted October 24, 2012 Author Posted October 24, 2012 I can't speak for the other ones but I knew my FWB used to brag all the time about how she played men and that she was not one of those stupid women who believed in love. Every man that fell in love with her she rejected but then I came along and at the time I never wanted to commit to a woman again and she fell hard for me. She then played the victim even though I was honest from the start. I wasn't born yesterday so I knew what it was. I presented a challenge she wanted to conquer.
Ajheil Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Those girls that you had dated sounds like they had passionate feelings but your relationship lacked intimacy and/or commitment. According to Robert Sternberg's triangular theory of love, a relationship lacking intimacy and commitment is classified as infatuation, which will not likely last unless those they are developed. As for your current marriage, it sounds as though you two have a higher possibility of having all three (commitment, intimacy, and passion) present. The presence of these qualities in equal amounts in a relationship can lead to what's called consummate love or ideal love. Your ability to disclose your feelings to her suggest that the intimacy is there, you're married which suggests commitment, and you sound like you potentially feel passion toward each other. I hope it keeps moving in the direction toward consummate love.
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 This is what I have been experiencing since back on the dating market! It seems that when I reject a man or am distant and evasive, he starts the chase. I kept rejecting some only because I KNEW that's what they were doing. As soon as I open up and put my guard down, they start distancing. This is happening to me now and it's really frustrating. I just want someone that will truly be open to getting to know me with no walls, no games and no BS. 2
olivec Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 This is what I have been experiencing since back on the dating market! It seems that when I reject a man or am distant and evasive, he starts the chase. I kept rejecting some only because I KNEW that's what they were doing. As soon as I open up and put my guard down, they start distancing. This is happening to me now and it's really frustrating. I just want someone that will truly be open to getting to know me with no walls, no games and no BS. This happens to me also. Keep my guard up and they want more then after they break your defences and you feel this person may be genuine thats when you get screwed over. I'm a guy and i can tell ya its no easier or different. Keep positive even though i know alot of days you wanna say "screw it, i'm done finding love".
Author Woggle Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 My wife is the first woman I have been with where I have truly taken down my defenses and it has improved things rather than backfiring on me. That is why I really am willing to put in the extra effort.
SJC2008 Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 This is what I have been experiencing since back on the dating market! It seems that when I reject a man or am distant and evasive, he starts the chase. I kept rejecting some only because I KNEW that's what they were doing. As soon as I open up and put my guard down, they start distancing. This is happening to me now and it's really frustrating. I just want someone that will truly be open to getting to know me with no walls, no games and no BS. This isn't the case for me. If I'm neutral or less about a woman I don't bat an eye or want her more when she pulls away. I wen out on 2 dates with a woman who came on really strong and disappeared afrer that. I was baffled and mabye a little disappointed but I was neutral about her so I was like whatevs. Same with the you're too nice girl and a couple others. The non initiator was a tough one bc I was sprung! I still think about her and it's been 8 months. Till this day I don't know what kind of spell she cast on me but oh well;(
threebyfate Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 What I've found in the past, is that the guys who push/pull aren't worth the effort. YMMV. 1
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