Cheated On, Pondering Leaving

[RedPlatypus87]

I'm a gay 25 year old male, and I've been married just over a year and in the relation just over 4 years. The situation is a little lengthy, but I want all the details out there so that I can get solid, educated opinions.

 

I proposed to my boyfriend after dating for 2.5 years. We got married on our 3rd anniversary. About a month or so before the wedding I stumbled upon inappropriate emails with another guy out of state. They were sexual and implied that pictures were sent and webcams used, etc. I confronted my fiance about it and he admitted to the online cheating and said it was a mistake. He had been talking to that guy for over a year. I expressed how upset I was and how I considered it an affair since it was prolonged with the same person and not solely sexual. At first he said he wasn't going to stop talking to him because he was his friend, but soon after said he realized that's wrong and wouldn't talk to him again. I wouldn't let him touch me and considered calling off the wedding. This surpirsed my fiance because he couldn't imagine us not staying together and getting married. I was baffled. After talking everything out (over the course of about a week) I decided to go on with the wedding. It seemed like he just didn't realize the consequences of everything and was truly sorry when he saw how hurt I was.

 

We had a wonderful wedding with family and friends in Niagara Falls. Not too long after settling in back home, a guy messaged me on facebook saying my husband had been trying to hook up with him. I asked for proof and he sent me conversations of my husband trying to get him to come over before I got home from work, etc. I confronted my husband and he wrote the guy off as a crazy guy he talked to once and now he was out of hand. He told the guy off and stuck with his story. That night or the next, I got paranoid and checked his misc email account, used for sweepstakes, etc. I found a maintenance email from a hookup site. I got onto his account and he was friends with guys from countries he recently studied abroad in and guys who lived near by. I showed the profile to him and he asked how I found it. He admitted to web camming with the abroad guys, but never meeting up with any. Then a guy messaged him while we were on there asking when they could hookup again. My husband denied they ever did. The guy online said they did about 6 months ago (I posed as my husband while he was next to me). My husband still denied it.

 

Finally one night he broke down and confessed that he did sleep with the guy from the website once and disclosed he slept with his ex once, too. He had also had mutiple webcam encounters. But the cheating wasn't consistant. Everything was far and few between. This seemed like a needed breakthrough and maybe we could finally move on and get better.

 

The whole situation hurt because he went to such extremes to lie, right to my face. He said it's his instinct to lie. It's how he was raised to get his way. Knowing his parents, I'm suprised he didn't turn out more messed up than that. I know it sounds like I gave him way too many chances, but I've never had such a good relationship with anyone. We have the same interests, make each other laugh, he's attractive, we compliment each other's personalities. We travel wonderfully together. I never would've visited France or Japan if it weren't for him. Everyone we know says it's uncanny how good we are together, and I believe a lot of friends are even jealous of our relationship. I just know if I leave, I most likely won't find another relationship like it.

 

I was hurt so bad, though. All of the cheating happened over a year ago and since then I have spells of depression and became paranoid. As far as I know, he hasn't cheated since the guy that messaged me from facebook. I just don't seem to be getting better. We tried going to a therapist, but she said we were doing everything right. I think it was better on the surface and I wasn't aknowledging what was bubbling underneath. I was recently depressed again and brought everything up. He had said this before, but it was brought up again that he couldn't promise he wouldn't cheat again. He doesn't want to say he never will, then fall off the wagon and be held to his promise. But this time he mentioned how he doesn't know if he'd confess he had cheated; that he'd hide it because he hasn't seen any benefits to him disclosing cheating before (like us being closer or strengthening our relationship). This is what is really making me think about leaving. The fact that he'd not only cheat again (which I think is inevitable), but he'd keep it from me to avoid the consequences. How can I live life wondering if my husband is currently cheating on me?

 

Any sane person wouldn't have even married him in the first place, but I can't stress how well we get along and live together. But the memories and mistrust is killing me. We can't afford therapy and free therapists are more geared toward addicts and abuse victims. I couldn't in good conscience take their time. My husband suggests I should start anti depressants and is frustrated that I won't consider it. It feels wrong, though, to take medication for something an external event caused that still needs dealt with. It just seems like numbing myself.

 

I'm sure his side would sound better. I do believe he loves me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me and doesn't want to hurt me; but I think I need more than that. That's not even all the details, but I guess enough. I think I know what people's opinions are going to be, but I need some new perspective and advice from experience. I don't have anybody to really talk to about it without tainting their relationship with my husband. Thanks in advance for any help.

[carhill]

he couldn't promise he wouldn't cheat again. He doesn't want to say he never will, then fall off the wagon and be held to his promise

Having been caught a few times, that's pretty indicative of an entrenched philosophy of life.

 

I'd seriously ponder leaving. Gay or straight, there are more compatible people in the world for you than this. See how things go solo, regarding your emotional state. You might find it to resolve on its own. If no joy, get some IC and their opinion about a medical solution. Good luck. Welcome to LS

[whichwayisup]

My husband suggests I should start anti depressants and is frustrated that I won't consider it. It feels wrong, though, to take medication for something an external event caused that still needs dealt with. It just seems like numbing myself.

 

Looks like he just wants you over it so life can go on, so he won't suffer any consquences.

 

His behaviour is awful. He hasn't been faithful to you at all! This isn't about love, he may truly love you but he may not have it in him to be faithful to you. He cheated on you before you got married, and continued to do so afterwards.

 

He doesn't seem too mature or ready to be a husband, let alone someone who grow with you as time goes on, he doesn't seem to have your best interest at heart either.

 

I say separate and let him live life without you for a while. Let him grow up!

 

Focus on you. Get a friend that fully trust or a family member so you can confide in them as well. online help is great but you need support from those who care about you in your life.

 

He needs to get a grip and really understand what he's done to you, ruined your trust (again) in him and he needs to stop denying and start owning his selfish choices!!

[jf2good]

If you can't have an open relationship with him, then get divorced. He will cheat again. I suggest you all swing a little (safely) and leave the messy breakups to everyone else.