Imagineer Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 In the past, I used to shake my head about people who said they couldn't get over their partner's sexual past. I'm not prudish, and I believe that whatever happened in the past, good or bad, has contributed to how a person eventually turned out. Now, I find myself exactly in that situation, and I don't see how I can get over it. I've known my significant other for three years, and we've been (quite strongly) in love for about two years. We're not in a relationship, though, as it would be a long distance one and we both are hesitant to start it. Also, he has some serious commitment issues, never having had a serious relationship in his life. Still, we are somewhat exclusive, as we both agreed that none of us would do anything without the other one knowing about it, and being okay with it. Now I always knew that he did have several casual, or purely sexual, relationships in his past. It's not like he has had millions of one night stands, but he has slept with (quite a large) number of girls more than once, each "relationship" lasting for a couple of weeks. He called those "loose acquaintances" not worth mentioning, though I never knew if that was just his view, or if the girls perhaps thought it was more than that. (Note: We're in our early 20s, and we're both loners) This bugged me, but I didn't think anything much about it - I thought that either he just wasn't admitting to himself that he did have relationships in his life because the concept tends to freak him out, or he was indeed having "friends with benefits" sort of things going. I'm someone who only gets intimate within relationships, and I can't imagine getting physical with someone I'm not very close with, but I'm not an overly moral person when it comes to that. Still, I didn't know what I had to think about it, but just accepted it thinking that he was young, and it's the past. A couple of days ago we had a fight because he was jealous of my ex boyfriend, whom I am still good friends with - nothing romantic, or sexual, or even overly intimate, we're just friends, and he can't get over it. He said that if I still see or talk to him on a regular basis, that can just as well be called a relationship. I made the mistake? to say that this was funny coming from him, as according to this definition he must have had millions of relationships. I then got to know more about it, namely that this was not at all "the past" - he had one of those things going when we already were close (though hadn't openly talked about our feelings for each other), and when I asked him if he would start something like that in the future while still being as close with me as he is now, he said he doesn't feel like thinking about it now. I also got to know that apparently, most of the girls (and we're not talking about 5-6 or even 10, but a considerably large number) were expecting more from it, while he just wanted to "make out" or have sex, without openly saying that to them. When I asked him if he had more than one of those flings at a time, and if he would today, he refused to answer me. Now I know I'm not officially his girlfriend, so I don't have any right to get all angry about it, and I know that what he did (or does) is nothing too bad. I don't condemn people for being more sexually open than me, but with him it's different. This is really bothering me, partly because I can't really cope with his view on sexuality, and partly because I feel I don't evefn know him any more. He's really shy and emotionally unavailable, not allowing anyone to really get close to him. I can't understand how this is compatible with being so outgoing sexually. Also, I find it disturbing how he was apparently playing with those girls feelings, not making it clear that he was just in it for the fun. His unwillingness to really talk to me about it, or clarify it, is not really helping either, because now I tend to imagine the wildest things. If we were in a relationship, I know that I could handle it better, but we're not, so there's not really any consolation. I also feel a little hurt, thinking about how he keeps me at arm's length (I was always more in for a relation than he was, though we're both interested) and lets other, much more meaningless people in his life so easily. I know that this might as well be a good sign, but I don't see it right now. I know this might sound like I'm some crazily jealous prudish person freaking out about banal details. But I can't help myself right now. Is there any way I can feel more easy about it? I just feel like I don't know who he is or where he stands in his life, and I feel I can't trust him really. I don't want to turn my back on him, because I'm too much in love, and he really means the world to me. That's why I want to accept everything, I just don't know how. I can't really talk to him about it either, because whenever it gets too personal, he disappears into his emotional snail shell, making it completely impossible for me to reach him. Any advice?
pteromom Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 If we were in a relationship, I know that I could handle it better, but we're not, so there's not really any consolation. I also feel a little hurt, thinking about how he keeps me at arm's length (I was always more in for a relation than he was, though we're both interested) and lets other, much more meaningless people in his life so easily. THIS is the real issue here. His sexual past isn't the issue. The issue is that you want to be in a relationship with him, but he won't be the open loving giving person you want him to be. You are NOT both strongly in love with each other, as you WOULD be in a relationship if you were. Now, it is possible he has very different values than you do. He sees casual sex as no big deal, while you see it as undesirable. You value honest open communication, and he wishes to avoid it. In that case though, you need to be asking yourself what it is you really love about him, and whether who he is really aligns with who you are anyway. You don't know who he is or where he stands in life because he isn't sharing that information with you. And whether he isn't sharing that information with you because he is emotionally immature and unable to communicate, or because he is lying and doesn't want you knowing the real him, either way gives you the same result - you are left confused and rejected. I think you need to try to have a serious conversation with him about what he is feeling, and if he doesn't open up, think about moving on.
todreaminblue Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 In the past, I used to shake my head about people who said they couldn't get over their partner's sexual past. I'm not prudish, and I believe that whatever happened in the past, good or bad, has contributed to how a person eventually turned out. Now, I find myself exactly in that situation, and I don't see how I can get over it. I've known my significant other for three years, and we've been (quite strongly) in love for about two years. We're not in a relationship, though, as it would be a long distance one and we both are hesitant to start it. Also, he has some serious commitment issues, never having had a serious relationship in his life. Still, we are somewhat exclusive, as we both agreed that none of us would do anything without the other one knowing about it, and being okay with it. Now I always knew that he did have several casual, or purely sexual, relationships in his past. It's not like he has had millions of one night stands, but he has slept with (quite a large) number of girls more than once, each "relationship" lasting for a couple of weeks. He called those "loose acquaintances" not worth mentioning, though I never knew if that was just his view, or if the girls perhaps thought it was more than that. (Note: We're in our early 20s, and we're both loners) This bugged me, but I didn't think anything much about it - I thought that either he just wasn't admitting to himself that he did have relationships in his life because the concept tends to freak him out, or he was indeed having "friends with benefits" sort of things going. I'm someone who only gets intimate within relationships, and I can't imagine getting physical with someone I'm not very close with, but I'm not an overly moral person when it comes to that. Still, I didn't know what I had to think about it, but just accepted it thinking that he was young, and it's the past. A couple of days ago we had a fight because he was jealous of my ex boyfriend, whom I am still good friends with - nothing romantic, or sexual, or even overly intimate, we're just friends, and he can't get over it. He said that if I still see or talk to him on a regular basis, that can just as well be called a relationship. I made the mistake? to say that this was funny coming from him, as according to this definition he must have had millions of relationships. I then got to know more about it, namely that this was not at all "the past" - he had one of those things going when we already were close (though hadn't openly talked about our feelings for each other), and when I asked him if he would start something like that in the future while still being as close with me as he is now, he said he doesn't feel like thinking about it now. I also got to know that apparently, most of the girls (and we're not talking about 5-6 or even 10, but a considerably large number) were expecting more from it, while he just wanted to "make out" or have sex, without openly saying that to them. When I asked him if he had more than one of those flings at a time, and if he would today, he refused to answer me. Now I know I'm not officially his girlfriend, so I don't have any right to get all angry about it, and I know that what he did (or does) is nothing too bad. I don't condemn people for being more sexually open than me, but with him it's different. This is really bothering me, partly because I can't really cope with his view on sexuality, and partly because I feel I don't evefn know him any more. He's really shy and emotionally unavailable, not allowing anyone to really get close to him. I can't understand how this is compatible with being so outgoing sexually. Also, I find it disturbing how he was apparently playing with those girls feelings, not making it clear that he was just in it for the fun. His unwillingness to really talk to me about it, or clarify it, is not really helping either, because now I tend to imagine the wildest things. If we were in a relationship, I know that I could handle it better, but we're not, so there's not really any consolation. I also feel a little hurt, thinking about how he keeps me at arm's length (I was always more in for a relation than he was, though we're both interested) and lets other, much more meaningless people in his life so easily. I know that this might as well be a good sign, but I don't see it right now. I know this might sound like I'm some crazily jealous prudish person freaking out about banal details. But I can't help myself right now. Is there any way I can feel more easy about it? I just feel like I don't know who he is or where he stands in his life, and I feel I can't trust him really. I don't want to turn my back on him, because I'm too much in love, and he really means the world to me. That's why I want to accept everything, I just don't know how. I can't really talk to him about it either, because whenever it gets too personal, he disappears into his emotional snail shell, making it completely impossible for me to reach him. Any advice? He's really shy and emotionally unavailable, not allowing anyone to really get close to him. I can't understand how this is compatible with being so outgoing sexually. Its not compatible...thats why i give this poinion....he could just have a sex addiction but i will say this it can be a sign of sexual abuse as a child...promiscuity in males or females can stem from some form of abuse in childhood especially exhibiting signs that you have posted above the shyness etc above....people who suffer ptsd also can do outrageous acts that would not occur were they thinking rationally same with abuse....he retreats into a shell....points to abuse......so does the opposite end of the spectrum which is no sex so its hard to tell without knowing the guy and him being closed off from disclosing with you sounds like emotional and sexual detachment........people like this normally have been hurt pretty badly.......promiscuity kills the soul....makes people feel of no value.....its a form of death an emotional death the worse kind of death.......even though your friend may have hurt others...he is probably hurting way more himself...hence retreat.......it is possible for people who have had a promiscuous past to settle with one.....its a trust thing....he needs to trust you first before you can trust him...he needs to be able to open up to you....and you are already having doubts.......if he senses this he will not open up while he senses you will not be forgiving of his past.....honestly if you care about the guy you should not base a future on a past that wasnt with you or about you...its about him....what he has been through and done when you were not part of his life he possibly has extreme regret.......... he will fade off otherwise if you cant get over his past retreat further and further away from you in my opinion....dont feel you have to stay if you cant handle his past walk away ...maybe down the track he will find someone who understands and can have a future with him.i wish you well and peace with what you decide....deb
Author Imagineer Posted October 23, 2012 Author Posted October 23, 2012 (edited) In that case though, you need to be asking yourself what it is you really love about him, and whether who he is really aligns with who you are anyway. This PRECISELY sums up what I have been telling myself for months. No matter how our relationship develops, he probably won't ever be able to fulfill my expectations of a relationship. I know that, and I have tried to walk away in the past, many times. But so far I never mentioned to think that thought to the end, to make the decision to move on definite, because A), for some reason, (and to answer your question I don't know what it is), I still feel about him more strongly than about anyone in the past. Also, B), our relationship IS evolving - we ARE growing closer, he DOES open up more over the months. So this keeps me thinking that giving him even more time is the right way, because there definitely have been improvements. I'm torn really. On the one hand I see that it is getting better, but on the other, deep down, I know that this is not what I should want anyway. You don't know who he is or where he stands in life because he isn't sharing that information with you. And whether he isn't sharing that information with you because he is emotionally immature and unable to communicate, or because he is lying and doesn't want you knowing the real him, either way gives you the same result - you are left confused and rejected. His not opening up has been an issue between us. He told me that he keeps hearing that from all people in his life, but he doesn't know what is meant or how to open up, he thinks he does. And he has opened up to me much more than he has to anyone else (as far as I can judge, of course), confessing to me about his childhood which wasn't exactly easy, and sometimes about his feelings, telling me rather personal secrets, but emotionally open up, no, he hasn't. So I guess the problem is his personality. He's acting immature a lot of times, not just towards me but in his life in general. I know someone who's known him in the past, not as close as I do but close, and she said that no one will ever know how he really is. So I guess he's not lying, it's just how he is. And that's a problem, I know. Its not compatible...thats why i give this poinion....he could just have a sex addiction but i will say this it can be a sign of sexual abuse as a child...promiscuity in males or females can stem from some form of abuse in childhood especially exhibiting signs that you have posted above the shyness etc above....people who suffer ptsd also can do outrageous acts that would not occur were they thinking rationally same with abuse....he retreats into a shell....points to abuse......so does the opposite end of the spectrum which is no sex so its hard to tell without knowing the guy and him being closed off from disclosing with you sounds like emotional and sexual detachment........people like this normally have been hurt pretty badly.......promiscuity kills the soul....makes people feel of no value.....its a form of death an emotional death the worse kind of death.......even though your friend may have hurt others...he is probably hurting way more himself...hence retreat.......it is possible for people who have had a promiscuous past to settle with one.....its a trust thing....he needs to trust you first before you can trust him...he needs to be able to open up to you....and you are already having doubts.......if he senses this he will not open up while he senses you will not be forgiving of his past.....honestly if you care about the guy you should not base a future on a past that wasnt with you or about you...its about him....what he has been through and done when you were not part of his life he possibly has extreme regret.......... he will fade off otherwise if you cant get over his past retreat further and further away from you in my opinion....dont feel you have to stay if you cant handle his past walk away ...maybe down the track he will find someone who understands and can have a future with him.i wish you well and peace with what you decide....deb Thanks. I know that if he sees I don't fully trust him won't exactly make him open up more, rather the opposite, but then again, there's a point where I feel I can't handle it anymore. I'm not his therapist, and I can't help him, and I know he wouldn't let me help him either. But that's not my task anyway, is it? I feel that in order to stay sane with him, I have to accept one day that if he fails to open up, then I can't do anything for him. I have waited, and I do wait, but it's hard, and I don't know if it will ever be worth it... Edited October 23, 2012 by Imagineer 1
sedgwick Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 I'm 41 years old, and I was married from age 24 to 30. My ex-husband is my best friend in the world. We haven't been intimate since before we separated, but we still take vacations together, and when we visit each other, we sleep in the same bed. (We both live in one-bedroom apartments in big cities, so it's just the most comfortable place to sleep. There's nothing sexual about it.) I could never be with anyone who had a problem with our friendship. We've both had relationships since splitting up, but that's just part of the deal: whoever we're with has to accept that this is how we are. And, in general, our partners haven't cared, with the exception of one of his ex-girlfriends who made things pretty uncomfortable for us. If this guy can't handle your ongoing friendship with your ex, I daresay he's not the one for you. Romantic relationships come and go, but friends are forever, as cliche as that may sound. Sometimes things are cliches because they're true.
Exit Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 This seems like a hell of a lot of analysis for something that isn't even a relationship yet, and probably never should be. With all these things going on with him, not just his past but the being emotionally closed off etc, why are you even barking up this tree? Seems like you are really drawn to a mess of a person. You don't have to turn your back on him, but I would settle for friendship...
todreaminblue Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 This PRECISELY sums up what I have been telling myself for months. No matter how our relationship develops, he probably won't ever be able to fulfill my expectations of a relationship. I know that, and I have tried to walk away in the past, many times. But so far I never mentioned to think that thought to the end, to make the decision to move on definite, because A), for some reason, (and to answer your question I don't know what it is), I still feel about him more strongly than about anyone in the past. Also, B), our relationship IS evolving - we ARE growing closer, he DOES open up more over the months. So this keeps me thinking that giving him even more time is the right way, because there definitely have been improvements. I'm torn really. On the one hand I see that it is getting better, but on the other, deep down, I know that this is not what I should want anyway. His not opening up has been an issue between us. He told me that he keeps hearing that from all people in his life, but he doesn't know what is meant or how to open up, he thinks he does. And he has opened up to me much more than he has to anyone else (as far as I can judge, of course), confessing to me about his childhood which wasn't exactly easy, and sometimes about his feelings, telling me rather personal secrets, but emotionally open up, no, he hasn't. So I guess the problem is his personality. He's acting immature a lot of times, not just towards me but in his life in general. I know someone who's known him in the past, not as close as I do but close, and she said that no one will ever know how he really is. So I guess he's not lying, it's just how he is. And that's a problem, I know. Thanks. I know that if he sees I don't fully trust him won't exactly make him open up more, rather the opposite, but then again, there's a point where I feel I can't handle it anymore. I'm not his therapist, and I can't help him, and I know he wouldn't let me help him either. But that's not my task anyway, is it? I feel that in order to stay sane with him, I have to accept one day that if he fails to open up, then I can't do anything for him. I have waited, and I do wait, but it's hard, and I don't know if it will ever be worth it... i retreat often into my shell i have abuse in my past........i have received extensive therapy and continue to seek it to deal with issues that are hard fro me to come to terms with i do what i can to eb a better person in spite fo abuse that clouds decisions i make...... i am self aware......he needs to be self aware too you can never be a therapist because of personal bias.......he needs help but so do you...you are conflicted joint counselling might be a good idea...i am and i have said i tmany times on here an advocate for bettwer or worse...crap happens in life and in pasts....mentally ill people can be in loving relationships and be worthwhile partners....i have to believe that ...i am one...do i think i am worth the effort...sometimes i dont but the majority of the time ...i know my heart is so big....i am a worthwhile partner for the right man.......i know this because the people who love me friends family never give up .....on me...so i never give up......i keep trying through everything i keep at it....and i do love and can love...i am selective who i share with and the people i hav shown love even exes want to be friends with me..... to the people i love it can be unconditional love(this can be a flaw of mine) i accept flaws because i have many......but someone who loves me cant be my therapist they have a natural bias to make me feel better.....sometimes i need cold hard facts......brutal ones sometimes....people who love me cant do that...neither can you for your boyfriend.......you have been affected by your bf you may need counselling...this is what i am careful of....affecting others and being with someone i feel can be affected without me breaking them.nence selectivity..a man who can be my best friend who i can share all my dreams and accept my past as i am honest......without it cutting him into shreds which is always a possibility(horrid parts in there) but my past would definitely help some one better understand me.... i am open to share but here's the scary part for me if i got ridiculed or disgust......i think it would be a very hurtful experience for me..i actually got a lump in my throat thinking of that.....it happened on here actually sent me a bit fruity...i was ashamed i felt ridiculed and not believed and that confused me a horrid past is not something to make up.my mistake was to share too much left me open adn vulnerable and paranoid....... and that hurts..i am self aware but not infallible to being hurt.....i would retreat ....it would be damaging...of that i am self aware....seeking counselling for this next week actually..hoping to deal with issues i have through a spiritually based counselling session.....questions in regards to my past and attempting to have a future relationship with someone i care about and how my past affects my worthiness....and my faith...it is probably the only form of counselling i havent tried...i try everything.good luck with you and yours...i hope your friend gets counselling and i hope that your conflict is resolved..deb
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