how a betrayed spouse feels...

[karnak]

Honestly, I think the true reason why second marriages have such a high fail statistic is because, in the second time, we are more alert to certain "signs". In the first marriage we are all naive. Yet, the second time, when our spouse begins to behave strangely and out of character our alarm goes up.

 

Until this year I used to strongly believe "Once a cheater, not always a cheater". Not anymore since 2012. I finally came to the conclusion that cheaters are flawed somehow. And, sooner or later, they will repeat the same pattern given the proper circunstances.

 

Just a moment ago I was reading a thread about a man who married a woman who had ended her marriage because she had an affair. She had two daughters from that marriage.

She married a second time. Guess what: 20 years later (and 2 sons from the second husband later) she cheated again.

 

People are and always shall be who they are. We can't change our character.

 

Anyone has an opinion on this?

[j'adore]

Honestly, I think the true reason why second marriages have such a high fail statistic is because, in the second time, we are more alert to certain "signs". In the first marriage we are all naive. Yet, the second time, when our spouse begins to behave strangely and out of character our alarm goes up.

 

Until this year I used to strongly believe "Once a cheater, not always a cheater". Not anymore since 2012. I finally came to the conclusion that cheaters are flawed somehow. And, sooner or later, they will repeat the same pattern given the proper circunstances.

 

Just a moment ago I was reading a thread about a man who married a woman who had ended her marriage because she had an affair. She had two daughters from that marriage.

She married a second time. Guess what: 20 years later (and 2 sons from the second husband later) she cheated again.

 

People are and always shall be who they are. We can't change our character.

 

Anyone has an opinion on this?

 

Yeah me, complete and utter craaaap

[karnak]

Yeah me' date=' complete and utter craaaap[/quote']

 

Why is it crap? Justify, please.

It's your opinion, after all.

[Steen719]

That's it! You're going to the corner! And not the one he's in!

 

He is an adorable man, isn't he?

 

Some young woman is going to come along when he least expects it and snatch him up!

 

LOL LOL LOL :lmao::lmao:

 

Yes, indeed. Someone will and yes, he is adorable. I bet we just embarrassed him now. Oh well, the price you pay when you are sweet!

 

P.S. I like your quote - one of my favorites.

[mercy]

LOL LOL LOL :lmao::lmao:

 

Yes, indeed. Someone will and yes, he is adorable. I bet we just embarrassed him now. Oh well, the price you pay when you are sweet!

 

P.S. I like your quote - one of my favorites.

 

He also has an unbelievable strength within him that I really respect.

 

Back to the corner with you!

[Rager50]

But why not add on?

 

I felt numb, for a long time, and in many ways I still do. (Just under a year out from his one night stand.) I feel like I'm grieving, but the loss is our future. Our history. I don't know if I can explain...someone posted on another thread that, in order to successfully reconcile, you have to accept the infidelity as part of your history, and part of your relationship from this point on. The loss of that "perfect marriage" (not even perfect - just a marriage where we actually live up to all those things we agreed to) is hard.

 

And, generally, anger at the unfairness, his stupidity, etc. Nothing unique over here...

[MsDecember]

I always thought If I found out my XH had cheated that I would kick his ass to the curb. Oddly, When I asked him for the 2nd or 3rd time if he was having an affair and he said yes, I was devastated. I cried and ran to the bathroom and was dry heaving into the toilet. I was sick to my stomache and my world came crashing down. But I almost immediately clung to him with all my heart. He was mine, I loved him and I needed and wanted him. He told me the affair was over and Hopefully we would rebuild.. Ha Ha, nope. He never ended the affair and I could never trust him.

 

But the weeks following the announcement, I cried a million tears. I didn't eat and lost like 30 pounds in 2 months. I never felt so lost and alone in my life and I only had my husband to talk to about it. And he didn't want to talk and wasn't home anyways as he traveled for business. I finally broke down and told my parents in a frantic phone call and I thank god for them and My best friend those painful rocky 6 months after the Dday. It rocked me to the core and I am so much better now, but still not fully recovered. For me my XH was my best friend and now it was like he died, and I was heartbroken. It took a long time to get a routine back in my life and I am still struggling to overcome the crush to my self worth, self esteem, to my sexuality and my own feelings of worthliness. I know I am better and deserved better and that brings me on the road to my new journey.

[worldgonewrong]

But you are better off without that freakin' douchebag. I hope someone sweeps you off your feet when you least expect it.

 

It WILL happen when she least expects it.

[worldgonewrong]

I felt vindicated. As though he'd finally shown up who he had been all along. That thirty years of pretending to love me and care for me and be there for me was all just preparing the ground to hurt me. I knew he would sooner or later all men do and in a sense it was a relief when he finally did it so I knew I was right.

 

Not true, the bolded part.

 

Men and women hurt each other, yes. But not all men and women rip each other down to the roots of their souls. Remember that.

[Anoidtoo]

I totally agree "Drifter777"... going to counseling to try salvage a marriage is not always good. Once there's a crack, the damage will always be visible in the soul as much as we try to hide it by doing our best to make things work. Through my own doing and fault, I'm still with my wife 20years on and she has never admitted to cheating even if I found a man's full contact address, mobile, home base phone in her personal phone book she keeps in her workbag... She even picked him up at the airport and came back home at 11pm one time.. she told me she had to meet someone at the airport and i never questioned who it was (as our relationship was fantastic). We had been married 4yrs then. She used to receive jokes via emails which I saw a few but did not take it seriously as there were a few other people's email address who received it... obviously there was a message in there for her that no one knew. With her job, she travels a lot and so trips to the city where the OM lives were a few and based on her work conferences... what alerted me was the contact in her book and when I asked her she said it was a work acquaintance and the very next day it was whiteout from the book!!! This got me thinking there must have been something going on...

we are still together but things have not been rosy and recently I challenged her with an ultimatum and she owned up.. next week we are going to counseling but I've made up my mind to move on... I cannot keep living my life with suspicions, bad dreams and anxiety. I cannot sleep well at night... I'm over it...

[jamielee]

I know there's a lot of threads on here about how much cheating hurts, but one thread has really made me think that it would be a good idea to have a thread where people could , without debate about whether or not their response is valid,, describe what it was like to be cheated on.

 

please note...this IS NOT a thread for people to debate whether what those who choose to respond is valid or not, but rather, is just a place to express one's feelings. It' also not intended for wayward spouses to deny what's being said...if you haven't been a betrayed spouse, I'm not really sure how you could answer the question anyway...but if you've seen what it did in someone else, feel free to share

 

To begin, I'll start with myself...

 

it was just about the worst feeling in the world. I felt sick to my stomach all the time, couldn't eat or sleep, would cry all the time ( and I almost never cry, as I hate doing it). I went from hating my husband, to loving him, to being angry, to trying to make hings better. It was like I was being swept along in a a torrent and was desperately trying to find something, anything to hold on to. There was also this huge overwhelming sense of confusion...what had I done that was so bad that he could hurt me like that? I'd been a good wife, was there for him through so many bad times trying to help him through and see that he he had so much good in him and could do so much in his life. Now that things were going well suddenly I wasn't good enough anymore? I lost a ton of weight ( in six weeks I lost over 20 lbs because I couldn't eat, was living on coffee and exercise that I did at night after my kids went to bed so that i wouldn't have to think about what was going on)

Then of course there's all the more pragmatic things like the humiliation of having to go to my doctor and ask him to test me for STD's ( he's a great doctor and I'm lucky to have him), having to worry about whether or not my husband would be fined, be demoted, lose his job or even worse if the chain of command found out that he'd had an affair with a co-worker, trying to make appointments for counseling, trying to hold everything together for my kids, trying to deal with cr@p from his ex other woman, be afraid she'd show up on our doorstep saying she was pregnant, etc. I know it also hurt my parents, as they'd found out what was going on, as did my husband's sisters, some of our friends, etc. Meanwhile, my husband was going around acing like everything was going just fine and talking like he had just swallowed a doctor Phill book... The whole situation was so asinine that it would have been almost funny if it weren't so sad

 

In short, being a betrayed spouse blows

 

 

for me it felt so bad cause he wanted to leave me then he was looking for mistake in me go on about simple things i knew thn that there was another woman it changed my life and the kind of person i was always trying to go in his phone going thru his things i felt desperate wanting to know the truth we didnt get a long he would make up excuses not too see me lie about everything did things he knew would provoke me so that we end up fighting when weekend was over then he would call and apologise.bt i was still curious finding out the truth it mde me nuts..then one day he decided to end it with me cause we wer not geting along and his tired of fighting with me and i was accausing him and he didnt want me anymore cause deep down inside he didnt feel like being with me..that moment it felt like my world came to an end jut felt like dying it was so hurtful that i didnt even cry only da next day n a week has gone by then i finally found out tha he was seeing some one they been together for 2 months while we wer together i cried and cried had sleepless nights wer i would wake up and cry

[ej427]

As I try to think of an emotion that I feel right at this moment, I can't. It's so many, maybe all of them, mixed together inside of me. I don't know which one I am feeling because they are all linked together into one super emotion/feeling.

 

I wake up every morning and look beside me. It's always an empty spot where my husband used to lay. Sometimes I might even have half a smile if I think back to the days that I watched him sleep just before waking him with my gentle kisses to his cheeks. Usually, he would hook me in his arm and pull me close enough to kiss me back.

 

That's why I smile. I feel NOT so good, but good enough to get up, get dressed, brush my teeth and head to work.That memory gets me out of bed. It gives me 30 sec to 1 min of happiness But as I lock my door and start to close it. I start to feel extreme sadness. Sadness for the life I know we could've had if he stayed. Sadness for the life I am forced to live. I usually cry on my way home from work because I will pass him on my way out the door. I love him. I shouldn't, but I do.

 

I guess what I feel the most is cheated. My children and myself were cheated out of a wonderful life. I feel dead and lost. It's like my body is still here, I'm breathing, but I'm dead inside. I can't focus and I don't care anymore. My house could be on fire and I'd just sit and stare at it. I have no hope anymore, no dreams. I just don't care anymore. I don't live day to day. I live min to min. All because my husband thought the grass was greener.

[frozensprouts]

As I try to think of an emotion that I feel right at this moment, I can't. It's so many, maybe all of them, mixed together inside of me. I don't know which one I am feeling because they are all linked together into one super emotion/feeling.

 

I wake up every morning and look beside me. It's always an empty spot where my husband used to lay. Sometimes I might even have half a smile if I think back to the days that I watched him sleep just before waking him with my gentle kisses to his cheeks. Usually, he would hook me in his arm and pull me close enough to kiss me back.

 

That's why I smile. I feel NOT so good, but good enough to get up, get dressed, brush my teeth and head to work.That memory gets me out of bed. It gives me 30 sec to 1 min of happiness But as I lock my door and start to close it. I start to feel extreme sadness. Sadness for the life I know we could've had if he stayed. Sadness for the life I am forced to live. I usually cry on my way home from work because I will pass him on my way out the door. I love him. I shouldn't, but I do.

 

I guess what I feel the most is cheated. My children and myself were cheated out of a wonderful life. I feel dead and lost. It's like my body is still here, I'm breathing, but I'm dead inside. I can't focus and I don't care anymore. My house could be on fire and I'd just sit and stare at it. I have no hope anymore, no dreams. I just don't care anymore. I don't live day to day. I live min to min. All because my husband thought the grass was greener.

 

wow...that is a very powerful post, and I feel so bad for you that you have to go through this...

this is what so many people don't ever see or realize...they know, on some level, that being a betrayed spouse "hurts", but the don't understand the depth of the pain...it's probably easier to minimize it or brush it off and pretend it doesn't happen...but it does...

There's not much I can say that will take your pain away, but I can tell you that, in time, it goes get better. One day, you'll feel a smile on your face and joy in your heart again...you'll be happy...

 

to anyone thinking of getting involved in an affair and think that it will just be "harmless fun" or " what she/he doesn't know won't hurt" or " me first"...this is what your selfish choices do to your betrayed spouse. Even if you don't love them now, for the sake of the love that you once had for them, don't treat them like this...they are a human being, just like you, capable of feeling great pain, sadness and turmoil...is your bit of fun worth causing someone else this kind of pain?

[loneman]

As I try to think of an emotion that I feel right at this moment, I can't. It's so many, maybe all of them, mixed together inside of me. I don't know which one I am feeling because they are all linked together into one super emotion/feeling.

 

I wake up every morning and look beside me. It's always an empty spot where my husband used to lay. Sometimes I might even have half a smile if I think back to the days that I watched him sleep just before waking him with my gentle kisses to his cheeks. Usually, he would hook me in his arm and pull me close enough to kiss me back.

 

That's why I smile. I feel NOT so good, but good enough to get up, get dressed, brush my teeth and head to work.That memory gets me out of bed. It gives me 30 sec to 1 min of happiness But as I lock my door and start to close it. I start to feel extreme sadness. Sadness for the life I know we could've had if he stayed. Sadness for the life I am forced to live. I usually cry on my way home from work because I will pass him on my way out the door. I love him. I shouldn't, but I do.

 

I guess what I feel the most is cheated. My children and myself were cheated out of a wonderful life. I feel dead and lost. It's like my body is still here, I'm breathing, but I'm dead inside. I can't focus and I don't care anymore. My house could be on fire and I'd just sit and stare at it. I have no hope anymore, no dreams. I just don't care anymore. I don't live day to day. I live min to min. All because my husband thought the grass was greener.

This is exactly how I have been feeling for the last 10 months since she left for the other man, married man.

I have been slowly improving, but it's such a long and lonely road. I fell like no one cares, no one understands. I miss my kids. I miss my old life. I miss her, even though I hate her now.I can't think...I can't eat...I can't live, but I must. I see no purpose in life any longer without my family.

It will get better.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Hey, nice idea. I wonder why it seems like only women are posting here. I will say how I feel and I love feedback since this is very new and raw to me.

 

I feel unbearable pain mostly. I also feel like, as a guy, I can't tell anyone I know about this. (I love that I can talk on LS. My wife actually found the site. Probably to find comfort from other cheaters.) I think that people outside LS will think of me as not good enough to keep her and stupid for wanting her back and ridiculous for pinning for the days when she was faithful. And especially other guys thinking how could I be with a woman that got naked with another guy. How could I put up with her after that. How could I even think about trying to work it out.

 

And the AP, thinking that he has had my wife. I'm disgusted. That there is another guy out there that saw her naked and screwed her. While I was married to her and thinking she loved me. I think maybe he is laughing at me now. "What a jerk, I've had your wife you idiot. She was great. Thanks for supporting her while I f'ed her. " That kind of thing.

 

I feel ashamed about all the people that know about this. The AP made sure to tell all his friends and co-workers. My wife is really pretty so he was proud of his conquest. I feel like so many people know and laugh at me behind my back. In reality I know none of them so this is my imagination. But I do know that a lot of people saw them together. That he introduced her to a lot of people saying they would get married. And I'm constantly worried that at some point I will be out with my wife and we run into one of them. Or the AP. I feel like moving far away and never looking back here. Hiding in shame so to speak.

 

I feel sick that I can't get the image of the two of them together in bed out of my mind. I've never seen that but I imagine.

 

I feel so hurt that she tricked me and told me to my face she loved me while she was doing this. But mostly I feel unbearable pain.

 

The few people that I have told are amazed about one thing. Me too. I don't seem to have much anger for my wife. I have huge anger for the guy. Dangerous anger for him. But my wife I feel sorry for. She was duped by a MM. Sure she hurt me but she is suffering now too. Humiliated worse than me really. She was dragged to the gutter and has to live with what she did. And live with the fact that a lot of people know what she did. I think we will probably get divorced. Like one OP said she checked out of this marriage long before she cheated. And as I said, and as my handle indicates, I can't get over it. I can't stand the thoughts that come to me whenever I see my wife.

 

One more thing I feel. I feel too dependent on her and the R. I know that is my problem. Her A brought that to light. When I found out I was instantly in total fear thinking, how could I go on without her! I still feel like that often. I feel total panic and deep depression. Like my life can never be good again. If we stay together I suffer the pain of knowing that she did this and that I put up with it. If we don't stay together I can't imagine how I will be ok. I know I need to be ok no matter what happens or I'm not a well person. I need to be ok with or without her or anyone or else I'm never going to be in a healthy long lasting R. I know that but I'm not there yet.

[frozensprouts]

Hey, nice idea. I wonder why it seems like only women are posting here. I will say how I feel and I love feedback since this is very new and raw to me.

 

I feel unbearable pain mostly. I also feel like, as a guy, I can't tell anyone I know about this. (I love that I can talk on LS. My wife actually found the site. Probably to find comfort from other cheaters.) I think that people outside LS will think of me as not good enough to keep her and stupid for wanting her back and ridiculous for pinning for the days when she was faithful. And especially other guys thinking how could I be with a woman that got naked with another guy. How could I put up with her after that. How could I even think about trying to work it out.

 

And the AP, thinking that he has had my wife. I'm disgusted. That there is another guy out there that saw her naked and screwed her. While I was married to her and thinking she loved me. I think maybe he is laughing at me now. "What a jerk, I've had your wife you idiot. She was great. Thanks for supporting her while I f'ed her. " That kind of thing.

 

I feel ashamed about all the people that know about this. The AP made sure to tell all his friends and co-workers. My wife is really pretty so he was proud of his conquest. I feel like so many people know and laugh at me behind my back. In reality I know none of them so this is my imagination. But I do know that a lot of people saw them together. That he introduced her to a lot of people saying they would get married. And I'm constantly worried that at some point I will be out with my wife and we run into one of them. Or the AP. I feel like moving far away and never looking back here. Hiding in shame so to speak.

 

I feel sick that I can't get the image of the two of them together in bed out of my mind. I've never seen that but I imagine.

 

I feel so hurt that she tricked me and told me to my face she loved me while she was doing this. But mostly I feel unbearable pain.

 

The few people that I have told are amazed about one thing. Me too. I don't seem to have much anger for my wife. I have huge anger for the guy. Dangerous anger for him. But my wife I feel sorry for. She was duped by a MM. Sure she hurt me but she is suffering now too. Humiliated worse than me really. She was dragged to the gutter and has to live with what she did. And live with the fact that a lot of people know what she did. I think we will probably get divorced. Like one OP said she checked out of this marriage long before she cheated. And as I said, and as my handle indicates, I can't get over it. I can't stand the thoughts that come to me whenever I see my wife.

 

One more thing I feel. I feel too dependent on her and the R. I know that is my problem. Her A brought that to light. When I found out I was instantly in total fear thinking, how could I go on without her! I still feel like that often. I feel total panic and deep depression. Like my life can never be good again. If we stay together I suffer the pain of knowing that she did this and that I put up with it. If we don't stay together I can't imagine how I will be ok. I know I need to be ok no matter what happens or I'm not a well person. I need to be ok with or without her or anyone or else I'm never going to be in a healthy long lasting R. I know that but I'm not there yet.

 

so sorry you are hurting like this ....

 

I have to say that I'm angry at your wife for making you feel this way...I know it may seem like it, but you're not alone in how you feel...

 

I can't speak for how it feels to be a betrayed husband, but from what I've read on here, what you are feeling is probably completely normal for a guy in your position, and you have no reason at all to feel embarrassed or ashamed...you did nothing wrong, and it's totally normal that you still love your wife...in fact, it makes totally sense that you still do, that you still wish for the days before the affair, that you're angry and sad and conflicted...

maybe you can't reconcile, some marriages can't be repaired, and that's okay. If moving on is what's best for you, then that's what's best for you...I would suggest getting some counseling to help you sort out how you feel, and if you have a good friend "in real life" who you can talk to, it might be helpful too...posting online is great, but having someone "real" is even better...if you have a good friend or someone else you can trust to talk to,you may be surprised at how much they understand what you are going through, and they won't judge you poorly for how you feel...

 

things will get better for you...it will take some time, so don't rush yourself. give yourself plenty of time to figure out what it is that you really want to do, and be kind to yourself

( that's the best response I can give...maybe another guy who's been where you are can give you some advice that's more specific to how a guy feels about this)

[seren]

IF I were the type to have an A and IF I could justify it to myself and IF I could say, well it suits me and I owe the BS nothing I would, IF I were that person and read what had been written here by people in such, such awful pain, written so beautifully and from the heart and with such feeling, take a step back from me and my wants and he and his wants and say, go sort it out then find me, but I couldn't be a part of such anguish and pain. I hope with all that I have that everyone finds a peaceful solution and that those hurting, find that the journey to peace is sooner rather than later.

[Tenacity]

From an ex-OW (who regrets it more than I can express):

 

I have read this thread in its entirety over the past 2 days and it moved me to tears. The sheer, raw pain coming from these heart-wrenching posts is something I will never forget.

 

Thank you for taking the time to put this into words. I am and have been truly sorry for what I have done, but I honestly didn't realize the depth of the pain that it caused until reading this thread.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I think cheaters are definitely selfish and definitely lack some empathy, but I think they most certainly feel pain. Reading Surviving Infidelity's WS forums makes that clear enough. Seeing what my ex went through made it clear enough. Selfish? Yep. Lacking in empathy toward me? Yep (funny that she complains about this the other way around ) but man did she ever experience pain as part of the whole drama. Lots of it, and very real.

 

 

To deny that the WS experiences pain is...well...not very empathetic ^^

 

 

I really feel sorry for my wife that cheated and got dumped by an MM that was so beneath her. She fell for all age old MM lies. Duped in the worst way by a true serail predator. And lots of people know it. She has been more humiliated by this than me and that is saying a lot. She has such pain and regret, yes I do feel for her. I would do almost anything to make it easier on her. But the thing that gets me is she has no apparent regret for what she did to me. She feels hurting me was justified. I guess this is b/c long before she cheated she stopped loving me. While I might still feel love for her even now.

[BetrayedH]

Hey, nice idea. I wonder why it seems like only women are posting here. I will say how I feel and I love feedback since this is very new and raw to me.

 

I feel unbearable pain mostly. I also feel like, as a guy, I can't tell anyone I know about this. (I love that I can talk on LS. My wife actually found the site. Probably to find comfort from other cheaters.) I think that people outside LS will think of me as not good enough to keep her and stupid for wanting her back and ridiculous for pinning for the days when she was faithful. And especially other guys thinking how could I be with a woman that got naked with another guy. How could I put up with her after that. How could I even think about trying to work it out.

 

And the AP, thinking that he has had my wife. I'm disgusted. That there is another guy out there that saw her naked and screwed her. While I was married to her and thinking she loved me. I think maybe he is laughing at me now. "What a jerk, I've had your wife you idiot. She was great. Thanks for supporting her while I f'ed her. " That kind of thing.

 

I feel ashamed about all the people that know about this. The AP made sure to tell all his friends and co-workers. My wife is really pretty so he was proud of his conquest. I feel like so many people know and laugh at me behind my back. In reality I know none of them so this is my imagination. But I do know that a lot of people saw them together. That he introduced her to a lot of people saying they would get married. And I'm constantly worried that at some point I will be out with my wife and we run into one of them. Or the AP. I feel like moving far away and never looking back here. Hiding in shame so to speak.

 

I feel sick that I can't get the image of the two of them together in bed out of my mind. I've never seen that but I imagine.

 

I feel so hurt that she tricked me and told me to my face she loved me while she was doing this. But mostly I feel unbearable pain.

 

The few people that I have told are amazed about one thing. Me too. I don't seem to have much anger for my wife. I have huge anger for the guy. Dangerous anger for him. But my wife I feel sorry for. She was duped by a MM. Sure she hurt me but she is suffering now too. Humiliated worse than me really. She was dragged to the gutter and has to live with what she did. And live with the fact that a lot of people know what she did. I think we will probably get divorced. Like one OP said she checked out of this marriage long before she cheated. And as I said, and as my handle indicates, I can't get over it. I can't stand the thoughts that come to me whenever I see my wife.

 

One more thing I feel. I feel too dependent on her and the R. I know that is my problem. Her A brought that to light. When I found out I was instantly in total fear thinking, how could I go on without her! I still feel like that often. I feel total panic and deep depression. Like my life can never be good again. If we stay together I suffer the pain of knowing that she did this and that I put up with it. If we don't stay together I can't imagine how I will be ok. I know I need to be ok no matter what happens or I'm not a well person. I need to be ok with or without her or anyone or else I'm never going to be in a healthy long lasting R. I know that but I'm not there yet.

 

I have to say that this encapsulates how a BH feels pretty damn well. In an odd way, I'm glad I can't write it that vividly anymore. Can't, I will tell you that many a betrayed husband on this site can identify exactly with what you have written. Two important facts are that: (1) Your thoughts are normal & rational and (2) It will get better. Your perspective will mature into a much more self-confident one over time. Life is nowhere near over and your second life starts today.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I have to say that this encapsulates how a BH feels pretty damn well. In an odd way, I'm glad I can't write it that vividly anymore. Can't, I will tell you that many a betrayed husband on this site can identify exactly with what you have written. Two important facts are that: (1) Your thoughts are normal & rational and (2) It will get better. Your perspective will mature into a much more self-confident one over time. Life is nowhere near over and your second life starts today.

 

 

 

I hope you are right! Thank you.

[AJT]

Hey, nice idea. I wonder why it seems like only women are posting here. I will say how I feel and I love feedback since this is very new and raw to me.

 

I feel unbearable pain mostly. I also feel like, as a guy, I can't tell anyone I know about this. (I love that I can talk on LS. My wife actually found the site. Probably to find comfort from other cheaters.) I think that people outside LS will think of me as not good enough to keep her and stupid for wanting her back and ridiculous for pinning for the days when she was faithful. And especially other guys thinking how could I be with a woman that got naked with another guy. How could I put up with her after that. How could I even think about trying to work it out.

 

And the AP, thinking that he has had my wife. I'm disgusted. That there is another guy out there that saw her naked and screwed her. While I was married to her and thinking she loved me. I think maybe he is laughing at me now. "What a jerk, I've had your wife you idiot. She was great. Thanks for supporting her while I f'ed her. " That kind of thing.

 

I feel ashamed about all the people that know about this. The AP made sure to tell all his friends and co-workers. My wife is really pretty so he was proud of his conquest. I feel like so many people know and laugh at me behind my back. In reality I know none of them so this is my imagination. But I do know that a lot of people saw them together. That he introduced her to a lot of people saying they would get married. And I'm constantly worried that at some point I will be out with my wife and we run into one of them. Or the AP. I feel like moving far away and never looking back here. Hiding in shame so to speak.

 

I feel sick that I can't get the image of the two of them together in bed out of my mind. I've never seen that but I imagine.

 

I feel so hurt that she tricked me and told me to my face she loved me while she was doing this. But mostly I feel unbearable pain.

 

The few people that I have told are amazed about one thing. Me too. I don't seem to have much anger for my wife. I have huge anger for the guy. Dangerous anger for him. But my wife I feel sorry for. She was duped by a MM. Sure she hurt me but she is suffering now too. Humiliated worse than me really. She was dragged to the gutter and has to live with what she did. And live with the fact that a lot of people know what she did. I think we will probably get divorced. Like one OP said she checked out of this marriage long before she cheated. And as I said, and as my handle indicates, I can't get over it. I can't stand the thoughts that come to me whenever I see my wife.

 

One more thing I feel. I feel too dependent on her and the R. I know that is my problem. Her A brought that to light. When I found out I was instantly in total fear thinking, how could I go on without her! I still feel like that often. I feel total panic and deep depression. Like my life can never be good again. If we stay together I suffer the pain of knowing that she did this and that I put up with it. If we don't stay together I can't imagine how I will be ok. I know I need to be ok no matter what happens or I'm not a well person. I need to be ok with or without her or anyone or else I'm never going to be in a healthy long lasting R. I know that but I'm not there yet.

 

 

Out of all the posts I've read in this thread, this is the post I can most relate to. I feel like you're pulling the thoughts and feelings right out of my head.

My H told the people at his previous job about his cheating. I am so unbelievably humiliated. My first reaction was, I want to move, I can't live here with all these people knowing. However, what made it even worse was the fact that Ben, my H's "best friend", told everyone he knew about my H screwing his GF. And I mean EVERYONE. Ben is always the victim. He never considered my feelings when he made the decision to share.

 

I, too, have insane hatred for the OW. I destroyed the paintings she'd given us--literally sliced them from the frame, tore them to pieces, and then broke the frames apart. And enjoyed every moment of destroying something she'd created.

 

The hardest part for me is the insecurity. I still love my husband. He says he still loves me. Our marriage counselor told us that some people in perfectly happy marriages cheat because of other chaos in their lives. Am I safe to believe that? Am I staying with him out of fear of being alone? I mean, in all honesty, I've been with my H for 1/3 of my life. We married when I was 20, we met when I was 18. Can I trust my feelings for him? Am I talking myself into feeling one way out of fear?

The self doubt is immense. I'd always felt naively confident in our marriage--it had been on cruise control, though. We hardly ever argued, we were always there for each other during the hard times. I took pride in being in the marriage that other people complimented.

Now, we have to work on our marriage. It's hard. It sucks. And the self doubt kicks my ass every damn day.