how a betrayed spouse feels...

[NotCamelot]

The pain was far beyond anything imagineable.

 

I lost my father when I was 17. That hurt - a lot.

 

I lost my 4 year old daughter in 1986. That hurt - a lot more. (your kids are SUPPOSED to outlive you!)

 

But you can add those together and it still does not come close to the pain felt when I discovered my W cheating on me. In fact, it was the ONLY time in 21 years that I have ever raised my voice to her.....EVER.

 

Every negative emotion and sensation you can think of, I felt it. Abandon, cold, alone, insecure, unworthy, worthless, confusion, delusion, neglected, betrayed, cheated, used, deceived, abused,........if you can think of another, add it on, because I felt it.

 

It has been over 5 months since d-day...and with things going very well at my house and with my wife, there are still days I fell some of those things. But, it is getting better all the time. The W is doing everything possible to make sure that I know she wants me, loves me and that the past is forever gone --- at least for her.

[2sure]

Life is Hard. Bad things happen, things beyond our control. Painful experiences, pain inflicted by others. Home is supposed to be a safe place.

[96nole]

The direct and to the point answer:

 

it makes you feel like you're less than sh*t!

[BetrayedH]

I fight so hard to maintain perspective right now. To know that nobody around me has died, has a terminal illness, or is impoverished. I work so hard right now to feel "lucky" with the hand that I've been dealt in life, and to not let this awful affair undermine everything that has made me the person that I am today. It takes so much effort to try to maintain a semblance of self-esteem. It takes such strength to get out of bed in the morning, snuggle with our son, go to work, and decide to take on the day without cracking into a million pieces. The depth of the feelings that this affair have brought on are so unfamiliar to me -- self pity, angst, anger, fear, and hatred. It takes such strength to not go to the OW and give her one great right hook that would transfer my emotional pain to my hand (because it would be the strongest most awesome punch ever so would totally result in me hurting myself! ). It also takes strength to not do the same to my H.

 

I spent some time with a friend's uncle, who is a family lawyer yesterday. And I realized that what I overwhelmingly feel about this whole affair is that it's just so unfair. Facing the decision to divorce, and start seeing our 4 year old son somewhere from 40% to 50% less than I do today when I wasn't the one who cheated, is just flat out unfair. It's unfair that I now don't think there's a decision to be made at all and that the legal system made the decision for me. If there is a 0.5% chance that I can reconcile with my H, then I have to -- because I am not going to see our son less than I do today as a working mother. And that is just so motherf'ing unfair.

 

It's just ****ing great, isn't it? My wife had her dispicable affair and then she was the one to file for divorce. I had to fight so that I only lost my kids half the time.

[2sure]

Also - I feel like an emotional cripple , like I am inept, because Im just not prepared to be over this yet. Its as though - I come close to forgiveness and ....I want to accept. But whats the fuc*ing lesson?? I know its there..I just cant grasp it. I need there to be something here that I can find and fix.

[BetrayedH]

Also - I feel like an emotional cripple , like I am inept, because Im just not prepared to be over this yet. Its as though - I come close to forgiveness and ....I want to accept. But whats the fuc*ing lesson?? I know its there..I just cant grasp it. I need there to be something here that I can find and fix.

 

I think you are searching for something that isn't there.

 

There's no magic bullet to determine who you can trust. Period. I dated my wife for 5 years before we got engaged; I wanted to make sure I (and we) made a correct choice so that I never had a divorce. We were engaged a year and a half before marriage. We were married 10 years before she started her affair. I was completely blindsided and I am not even close to being the exception. It is not something within you; there is no lesson for YOU to learn (at least not one that you haven't learned already).

 

You either trust and leave yourself vulnerable or you don't. I, for one, will not live the rest of my life as a hermit. I will take the risk. If I get burned, I will walk and never look back. No conversation. No second chances. By the way, good luck getting bull**** past me.

[Steen719]

The 1st time my XH had an affair, 8 years into the marriage, I was blindsided. Really, even with every sign in front of me, I did not look for that and did not believe it. My attorney told me there was most likely another woman. I had decided to divorce him by the time I found out. I was so hurt that I really never thought I would feel alright again and I was really, really pissed off. When I found out, he had someone else, I felt like everyone else does, but of course, true to their reasoning, that is when he begged me to stay. We went to a counselor, but not long enough and we swept that affair right under the rug. My son was 7, seemed reasonable to stay. It left me feeling so inadequate that I can't even begin to describe it. I thought I would get over it. I had always been confident, but she was skinny; I was not. She had dark hair, I am blond. She was not well educated, I am. She was from the south, I am from the northeast. You get the point; she was everything I wasn't and he chose her. Life went on, but I was crippled and I could kick myself in the butt for not addressing this more completely.

 

As some of you already know, the second time my XH cheated, it was after I had cared for him during an illness and then transplant. I was the only one working and this was my repayment. If I tried and had a dictionary in front of me, I could not tell you how I felt. This kind of betrayal we feel can kill your soul. I am divorced and better than I was by far, but what has it left me feeling? No confidence in myself anymore, definitely not as optimistic as I once was, sad, fearful of any intimate relationship with another man, sad, mad, resentful, envious (sorry, but true of happy couples - not that I wish them less, just I wish I had it) and I feel that there is a hole in me that I can only hope will heal up. However, OTOH, I feel strong for leaving him - 23 years is a long time, and I am confident that I am a loving, caring person who has more than her share of friends - good friends and family, a wonderful son, great health and day by day, a new perspective. So, despite the incredible pain I have felt in the last three years of my life (lost my brother while XH was in hospital and one of my best friends), I can think of some things that make happy for the future and I have hope. What else could I want, right?

 

Well, that was cathartic.

[BetrayedH]

The 1st time my XH had an affair, 8 years into the marriage, I was blindsided. Really, even with every sign in front of me, I did not look for that and did not believe it. My attorney told me there was most likely another woman. I had decided to divorce him by the time I found out. I was so hurt that I really never thought I would feel alright again and I was really, really pissed off. When I found out, he had someone else, I felt like everyone else does, but of course, true to their reasoning, that is when he begged me to stay. We went to a counselor, but not long enough and we swept that affair right under the rug. My son was 7, seemed reasonable to stay. It left me feeling so inadequate that I can't even begin to describe it. I thought I would get over it. I had always been confident, but she was skinny; I was not. She had dark hair, I am blond. She was not well educated, I am. She was from the south, I am from the northeast. You get the point; she was everything I wasn't and he chose her. Life went on, but I was crippled and I could kick myself in the butt for not addressing this more completely.

 

As some of you already know, the second time my XH cheated, it was after I had cared for him during an illness and then transplant. I was the only one working and this was my repayment. If I tried and had a dictionary in front of me, I could not tell you how I felt. This kind of betrayal we feel can kill your soul. I am divorced and better than I was by far, but what has it left me feeling? No confidence in myself anymore, definitely not as optimistic as I once was, sad, fearful of any intimate relationship with another man, sad, mad, resentful, envious (sorry, but true of happy couples - not that I wish them less, just I wish I had it) and I feel that there is a hole in me that I can only hope will heal up. However, OTOH, I feel strong for leaving him - 23 years is a long time, and I am confident that I am a loving, caring person who has more than her share of friends - good friends and family, a wonderful son, great health and day by day, a new perspective. So, despite the incredible pain I have felt in the last three years of my life (lost my brother while XH was in hospital and one of my best friends), I can think of some things that make happy for the future and I have hope. What else could I want, right?

 

Well, that was cathartic.

 

I'm with you on the envious piece. I, too, will truly miss that feeling of a lifelong connection with one spouse.

 

But you are better off without that freakin' douchebag. I hope someone sweeps you off your feet when you least expect it.

[seren]

Shocked, angry, unspeakably sad, let down, hurt, confused, sick to the pit of my stomach, crazy, very, very crazy, and the same all over and over, each and every moment of each and every day until I didn't.

 

The moment the words came out of his mouth I felt like the world had stopped, nothing made sense and I finally got it, I got what a work colleague had been going through and felt ashamed that I had listened but thought I understood. I felt I had become part of a group I never thought to, never wanted to be in.

 

I felt like I was in a washing machine on super fast spin, only stopping to throw up, cry, be angry, not know what to do with myself and feel lost. Lost because the very person I needed to lean on, the very person I trusted with me, was the one who had done all this. I didn't know what to do with myself, I wanted and needed to get away from it all, but how do you get away from yourself?

 

Like many, I have had some very, very dark times in my life, had some very awful, terrible things happen from a very young age and yet, I would have gone through it all, over and over for the A to have not been true. How to get over that feeling floored me? How could I think that this act was more than THAT! yet it was.

 

How to hold my head up in work, how to face the people I was meant to help when I was broken. I was having a sneaky smoke a few days after D Day, I hid behind a skip at work, usually I was part of the crowd, but I was hiding and I heard them talk, about me. The how could he do that to her? the, but the OW is so .... he must be mad? poor, poor Seren. Me? poor, poor Seren, when previously I had been known as happy, always laughing, capable, helpful, brave Seren? When did the poor label happen? Is that how they saw me?

 

Looking at H and knowing he needed me to fix him, knowing that all the feelings of not being good enough were also part and parcel of why he had an A and knowing that he was broken too and didn't know what to do, seeing him hurt and in pain and not knowing how to make it all go away. Then reading his journal, seeing his pain, wanting to help but feeling so, so pissed off with him and angry and in love .... still.

The ened for the truth, the searching faces when I went shopping, the not being kind to people just incase it was her. The pretending to our son that I was OK. Sitting in a chair for weeks, not caring, drinking, smoking my brains out and more pretending I was OK. Fake it till you make it was coined for me at that time.

 

Having my belief that people are at heart kind and good, smashed. Needing to understand how and whay people think it OK to hurt others, talking and talking and coming online, ending up on an OW/OM site by mistake and being attacked because I was a BS and not understanding the hatred for me. The long, hard journey to where we are today, lessons learned by us both, huge life changes and finally peace. What a bloody awful journey.

[Benedictatu]

I felt vindicated. As though he'd finally shown up who he had been all along. That thirty years of pretending to love me and care for me and be there for me was all just preparing the ground to hurt me. I knew he would sooner or later all men do and in a sense it was a relief when he finally did it so I knew I was right.

[karnak]

Cheaters almost never feel the pain.

 

90% of them are selfish people without emotional empathy.

[JamesM]

Cheaters almost never feel the pain.

 

90% of them are selfish people without emotional empathy.

 

I would disagree.

 

Many of them felt the pain of something that was lacking (ie emotional connection, physical connection) and could see no other way to alleviate that pain but by finding someone else to relieve it.

 

Most cheaters don't cheat because they are in such a happy marriage. Au contraire...they cheat because they are unhappy in their relationship. While we could agree that they do it in the wrong way. I cannot agree that they are simply selfish and feel no pain.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I think cheaters are definitely selfish and definitely lack some empathy, but I think they most certainly feel pain. Reading Surviving Infidelity's WS forums makes that clear enough. Seeing what my ex went through made it clear enough. Selfish? Yep. Lacking in empathy toward me? Yep (funny that she complains about this the other way around ) but man did she ever experience pain as part of the whole drama. Lots of it, and very real.

 

 

To deny that the WS experiences pain is...well...not very empathetic ^^

[CheckYourself]

Like Bill Murray in Ground hog day!

[2sure]

I would disagree.

 

Many of them felt the pain of something that was lacking (ie emotional connection, physical connection) and could see no other way to alleviate that pain but by finding someone else to relieve it.

 

Many of them, James -cheated because they are bottomless pits of selfishness in need of validation. I mean - I get that people in unhappy marriages cheat sometimes. But selfish people , people who require constant validation - I think they almost always cheat.

 

Most cheaters don't cheat because they are in such a happy marriage. Au contraire...they cheat because they are unhappy in their relationship. While we could agree that they do it in the wrong way. I cannot agree that they are simply selfish and feel no pain.

 

If you read this thread, its not the cheating that broke many BS - it was the mind F*ckery.

[drifter777]

You either trust and leave yourself vulnerable or you don't. I, for one, will not live the rest of my life as a hermit. I will take the risk. If I get burned, I will walk and never look back. No conversation. No second chances. By the way, good luck getting bull**** past me.

 

The idea of trust we come into the adult world with is horribly naïve. We think that love = fidelity = trust. By the time we find out how idiotic this notion is it's too late; we've been betrayed and broken. Maybe if we could be taught to expect that everyone will let us down and that we will let others down and that is what "normal" really is then we might be prepared for real life.

 

BH: Predicting how you would handle future infidelities based on how you feel today is not real life. If you find someone you love and give them your trust and they betray that trust your reaction is unpredictable. I'd like to think that we humans learn from our mistakes, but the fact is we don't. I think it's better to not risk future betrayals and simply play the field for the rest of your life. I mean, you don't want more kids do you? If not, why would you make any kind of commitment to any woman in the future? If you have learned from this experience than use that knowledge to protect yourself.

 

Now that you are divorced you are out of the cycle of sh*t and I'd hate to see you get back into it.

[Steen719]

I'm with you on the envious piece. I, too, will truly miss that feeling of a lifelong connection with one spouse.

 

But you are better off without that freakin' douchebag. I hope someone sweeps you off your feet when you least expect it.

 

Hey, I think I might have to fight Mercy for you! LOL LOL LOL:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Kidding, kidding, Kidd. Thank you, that is a nice thought. That is actually what my XH's sister said to me. Nice thought!

[Steen719]

I fight so hard to maintain perspective right now. To know that nobody around me has died, has a terminal illness, or is impoverished. I work so hard right now to feel "lucky" with the hand that I've been dealt in life, and to not let this awful affair undermine everything that has made me the person that I am today. It takes so much effort to try to maintain a semblance of self-esteem. It takes such strength to get out of bed in the morning, snuggle with our son, go to work, and decide to take on the day without cracking into a million pieces. The depth of the feelings that this affair have brought on are so unfamiliar to me -- self pity, angst, anger, fear, and hatred. It takes such strength to not go to the OW and give her one great right hook that would transfer my emotional pain to my hand (because it would be the strongest most awesome punch ever so would totally result in me hurting myself! ). It also takes strength to not do the same to my H.

 

I spent some time with a friend's uncle, who is a family lawyer yesterday. And I realized that what I overwhelmingly feel about this whole affair is that it's just so unfair. Facing the decision to divorce, and start seeing our 4 year old son somewhere from 40% to 50% less than I do today when I wasn't the one who cheated, is just flat out unfair. It's unfair that I now don't think there's a decision to be made at all and that the legal system made the decision for me. If there is a 0.5% chance that I can reconcile with my H, then I have to -- because I am not going to see our son less than I do today as a working mother. And that is just so motherf'ing unfair.

 

You know, I understand what you are saying, but even if you don't have any other awful things going on, this is so painful You have every single right to feel the way you do and no one should ever make you feel otherwise. You grieve all you need to. {{{HUGS}}}

[Ninja'sHusband]

The idea of trust we come into the adult world with is horribly naïve. We think that love = fidelity = trust. By the time we find out how idiotic this notion is it's too late; we've been betrayed and broken. Maybe if we could be taught to expect that everyone will let us down and that we will let others down and that is what "normal" really is then we might be prepared for real life.

 

BH: Predicting how you would handle future infidelities based on how you feel today is not real life. If you find someone you love and give them your trust and they betray that trust your reaction is unpredictable. I'd like to think that we humans learn from our mistakes, but the fact is we don't. I think it's better to not risk future betrayals and simply play the field for the rest of your life. I mean, you don't want more kids do you? If not, why would you make any kind of commitment to any woman in the future? If you have learned from this experience than use that knowledge to protect yourself.

 

Now that you are divorced you are out of the cycle of sh*t and I'd hate to see you get back into it.

 

My mind is turning flip flops right now on this kinda stuff. My thought has always been "life partner"...but yeah...I think really the whole "life" thing is largely for the sake of the whole family, kids, etc. Once it's broken all bets are off. Also supposedly people have a longer life expectancy if they have someone to grow old with..but urg...I was reading that thread in the marriage forum on "Why men should never marry". I won't lie, a lot of those thoughts go through my head and I definitely feel the real life burn of exactly the situation they describe. What I think is left out from that thread is what's good for the kids. The mother needs to be supported if she's been out of work for ages. But for future relationships, I don't want more kids...or do I? Could I ever trust anyone again? We'd be too old soon anyway right? I feel like I'm off topic, but really I'm illustrating one strong emotion a BS feels:

 

CONFUSION! and a second MISTRUST

 

Even if I had stayed, would I have really trusted my wife enough to have another kid with her??? I. Don't. Know.

[brokenheartedntx]

I have posted my story and many of you have replied to it. It is the worse feeling in the world. It is a tremendous roller coast ride. Although I have not expressed mush anger, I have felt all the other grief stages. I am still in a major depression stage and taking medication. I can be happy one minute and crying the next. I can sometimes keep my mind off of it, but the images of my wife having sex with the OM haunts me all the time. My therapist just keeps telling me to block it out and redirect your thoughts. Try being in my shoes I tell him. He obviusly has not been through this himself. I am only 39 and I have chest pains (doctor says it is just stress), I can't sleep and have to taking sleeping pills just to sleep. I never had a problem with sleeping before. The pain and grief is so bad. People say that is it worse than having your spouse die. I can attest for that. My mother just died in July on my parents 40th aniversary. My father was pretty upset at first and then after a month, he was back to almost normal. He misses her and says he does cry every now and then, but he as told me he believes it is much easier than what I go through because there is more closure with the death of your spouse. The feeling of betrayal is amazing. I never thought in a million years my wife would have cheated. It was out of character. She was very religious and active in our church. She is also patrially handycapped suffering a stroke in 2007. I have lost so much confidence and also trust in not just my wife, but others. Although i did needed to lose some weight, I lost over 60 pounds and i have lost more hair, bags under the eyes and definately have aged 10 years. As seren said " Shocked, angry, unspeakably sad, let down, hurt, confused" someday I also feel like I am going crazy.

--brokenheartedntx--

[frozensprouts]

i think in some ways it's so uh worse than a death because death is final, you can grieve but it's final. Death is beyond one's control and usually you're not left wondering what you did that caused it. While losing someone you love via death can be a terrible experience, it's somehow part of the natural order of things ( except perhaps losing child, that sounds so awful, and seems somehow to be against the natural order that a parent should bury their child

)

with cheating, it goes against what the every nature of marriage should be...the one person whom you should be able to trust to never intentionally hurt hurt you does, when they could have chosen a different path...hurting you and your family seemed like an acceptable price to pay for their few moments of pleasure...

[2sunny]

Gut wrenching pain is what I felt. Betrayal of the worst kind.

 

So much so that, at the time, I went off the deep end there for a while.

 

Took some serious help to get past my pain.

 

So worth it - I'd never go back.

 

Man, those were some dark days back then.

[mercy]

Hey, I think I might have to fight Mercy for you! LOL LOL LOL:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Kidding, kidding, Kidd. Thank you, that is a nice thought. That is actually what my XH's sister said to me. Nice thought!

 

That's it! You're going to the corner! And not the one he's in!

 

He is an adorable man, isn't he?

 

Some young woman is going to come along when he least expects it and snatch him up!

[BetrayedH]

The idea of trust we come into the adult world with is horribly naïve. We think that love = fidelity = trust. By the time we find out how idiotic this notion is it's too late; we've been betrayed and broken. Maybe if we could be taught to expect that everyone will let us down and that we will let others down and that is what "normal" really is then we might be prepared for real life.

 

BH: Predicting how you would handle future infidelities based on how you feel today is not real life. If you find someone you love and give them your trust and they betray that trust your reaction is unpredictable. I'd like to think that we humans learn from our mistakes, but the fact is we don't. I think it's better to not risk future betrayals and simply play the field for the rest of your life. I mean, you don't want more kids do you? If not, why would you make any kind of commitment to any woman in the future? If you have learned from this experience than use that knowledge to protect yourself.

 

Now that you are divorced you are out of the cycle of sh*t and I'd hate to see you get back into it.

 

I truly appreciate the sentiment, Drifter. But you can't vicariously live your life through me.

 

Go ahead and get your own divorce and play the field.

 

I will say that my judgment in trusting people is certainly suspect. And I didn't exactly send the last one immediately packing. You have some empirical data on me there.

 

I can say that I'm certainly in no rush to get married. That's a pretty foreign concept still. There's a nice 70+% divorce rate amongst second marriages. One divorce seems quite enough for me.

 

My hope is to be wiser (learn from my mistakes, as you might say) but not fundamentally change who I am. I want an emotional connection and will take the risk again.

[StormySeas]

I'm surprised that some of you with personal experience think that dealing with an affair is so much worse than death. I guess because I haven't had to deal with death, the thought of never ever being able to talk to someone important to me seems like the worst thing in the world. While I'm on this horrendous roller coaster related to my H's betrayal, I guess I just think back to getting the phone call that my mother had stage IV breast cancer (she's 6 years clear! WOOHOO!) and that felt so awful. A different kind of awful, but one that really rocked me to the core thinking that my mother would never meet any of my potential children, would never be there to offer all her motherly advice, etc.

 

Sadly, since my initial post, my mother's youngest sibling (my aunt) was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer. She is her family's breadwinner and the mother to an outstanding 12 year old son. Yes, my pain related to my H's infidelity is real and deep and awful, but I think about the chemo, radiation, mastectomy journey that my aunt, her H and their son are about to go on and that just seems so much worse to me.

 

Of course all of this could just mean that I'm at the part of the roller coaster where over rationalizations / denial that it just isn't that bad / etc. is setting in...we'll see if I can feel the same way on an anger day. But honestly, focusing on what I can do to help my aunt and her family right now, plus my mother/rest of my family, is a very welcome reality check. What if I'd just been diagnosed and had to think about what life would be like for my 4 year old if we couldn't beat the cancer? That feels so much worse than wondering if reconciling with my cheating H is worth it or not.