how a betrayed spouse feels...

[frozensprouts]

I know there's a lot of threads on here about how much cheating hurts, but one thread has really made me think that it would be a good idea to have a thread where people could , without debate about whether or not their response is valid,, describe what it was like to be cheated on.

 

please note...this IS NOT a thread for people to debate whether what those who choose to respond is valid or not, but rather, is just a place to express one's feelings. It' also not intended for wayward spouses to deny what's being said...if you haven't been a betrayed spouse, I'm not really sure how you could answer the question anyway...but if you've seen what it did in someone else, feel free to share

 

To begin, I'll start with myself...

 

it was just about the worst feeling in the world. I felt sick to my stomach all the time, couldn't eat or sleep, would cry all the time ( and I almost never cry, as I hate doing it). I went from hating my husband, to loving him, to being angry, to trying to make hings better. It was like I was being swept along in a a torrent and was desperately trying to find something, anything to hold on to. There was also this huge overwhelming sense of confusion...what had I done that was so bad that he could hurt me like that? I'd been a good wife, was there for him through so many bad times trying to help him through and see that he he had so much good in him and could do so much in his life. Now that things were going well suddenly I wasn't good enough anymore? I lost a ton of weight ( in six weeks I lost over 20 lbs because I couldn't eat, was living on coffee and exercise that I did at night after my kids went to bed so that i wouldn't have to think about what was going on)

Then of course there's all the more pragmatic things like the humiliation of having to go to my doctor and ask him to test me for STD's ( he's a great doctor and I'm lucky to have him), having to worry about whether or not my husband would be fined, be demoted, lose his job or even worse if the chain of command found out that he'd had an affair with a co-worker, trying to make appointments for counseling, trying to hold everything together for my kids, trying to deal with cr@p from his ex other woman, be afraid she'd show up on our doorstep saying she was pregnant, etc. I know it also hurt my parents, as they'd found out what was going on, as did my husband's sisters, some of our friends, etc. Meanwhile, my husband was going around acing like everything was going just fine and talking like he had just swallowed a doctor Phill book... The whole situation was so asinine that it would have been almost funny if it weren't so sad

 

In short, being a betrayed spouse blows

Edited October 23, 2012 by frozensprouts

[Ninja'sHusband]

Wow, I could fill a book with feelings on the subject. There's a reason the term "rollercoaster" is used so much on this site. It's very accurate.

 

Right now I feel this bitter poisonous anger at the pit of my stomach...a lot of the time. I hate it. Hate hate, hate hating hate, yeah.. My story is ending in divorce, so I have this really bitter feeling of resentment all the time. My descriptions will reflect the divorce as well.

 

But yes maybe a bunch of single words could sum it up (some of these will conflict with each other, yes, different parts of the rollercoaster.)

 

I felt shame, confusion, unconfident, rage, depression, suicidal, enlightened, resentful, shocked, unloved, suspicious, betrayed, insane, scarred, scared, unsure of anything, alone, baffled, emasculated, ugly, panicked, unmotivated, lethargic, driven, determined, upside-down, sick, nauseated, distracted, unfocused, unproductive, unbelievable grief, hopelessness, defeated.

[2sure]

Really, really, really Stupid...as though I should not be making decisions or trusting my own common sense

[KatZee]

I was not married to my cheating ex but I think the pain someone feels for being betrayed is just the same.

 

I spent years with him being the best I could possibly be. Gave him everything. Showed him beyond a doubt I would always be there, support him, care for him, stand beside him, blah blah blah.

 

Mine confessed after two years. He wasn't even going to tell me. He cheated on me with his ex, and her friend was going to tell me. I spooked my ex because I ran into his ex, and her friend when I was out at night, and she kept saying, "You should tell her. You need to tell her..." I went home that night, called my bf and relayed those words. He then did a complete 180. Started telling me we weren't right together, he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me... three days later, he confessed.

 

I think it's a huge roller coaster you go on. My world fell apart. I didn't eat, didn't sleep. I looked like a zombie. I lost 10 pounds. I was using anti anxiety pills, and taking Ambien to try and sleep.

 

When I wasn't miserable and depressed, I was furious. The rage, and hatred that was coursing through my veins was scary. I never thought I'd hate him but there I was ready to rip his head right off his neck.

 

The feeling of betrayal was even worse. Not only betrayed, but betrayed with the ONE PERSON I had asked him from the beginning... "Is there anything still between you two?" And he looked me in my face, and lied. Lied right into my eyes. Didn't even blink. Didn't even look away. Told me I was his, and I had nothing to worry about and that he was over her and would never go back.

He knew I was insecure about her. She kept hanging around and I didn't know why. When he confessed, it was then I knew.

 

After he told me he cheated, I looked back and realized that our entire relationship was a lie. I thought we were on cloud 9--- he was behind my back talking to her, talking s.hit about me, telling her he didn't know if he wanted to be with me, wasn't sure who he wanted.

 

When we were on our amazing vacation, and when we went away for New Year's Eve, I was having the time of my life. A week later he was having sex with his ex.

 

When we went to a friends surprise birthday, we showed up together, and his ex was there. He acted fine, except at this party he refused to act affectionate with me. He didn't want to hold my hand, kiss me, put his arm around me like he had done all other days. It was because she was there. And he said, "I don't want to hurt her. I'm also always going to be her friend so I'm not going to stop talking to her." <--- He said these things to me ONE WEEK after screwing her behind my back.

 

When he confessed he tried to pull the guilt trip saying that he "felt so guilty" and that this was "eating at him for years" and that "it was holding us back" and he felt it was time that I knew. That was all complete horses.hit!!! A week after doing it, he was telling me he'd never stop talking to her!

 

We are obviously no longer together. I hate him. I hate him more than I will ever hate anyone on this planet. I have no tolerance for liars, for cheaters, for those with no morals, and no integrity. If I ever saw him on the street, I think I'd spit on him. I had a dream about him last night and I thought my anger stage was gone, and I woke up furious. I was thinking how he's nothing but a piece of s.hit. He's nothing but a hot, steaming pile of dog crap under my shoe. He's worthless. He is excrement. He is fungus between my toes. He makes me sick. He disgusts me. He is a worthless human being.

[beenburned]

The only red flag I had was H's complete change in personality. He had always been a loving devoted family man who bragged about his wife and kids. After he started cheating he became very short tempered, found fault with everything I did, wouldn't go on family outings, and much more.

 

I knew something was very wrong, and asked continuously, he always replied nothing was wrong. He continued to lie and gaslight me until I felt like I was going crazy.

 

D-day was almost a relief, as everything made perfect sense then.

 

Like most BWs, I was totally devastated and in complete shock of who he had became. I cried a lot when the kids were not around, and finally went to the doctor to get some antidepressants so I could function normally at home.

 

Then the anger/rage kicked in, and I took the kids and moved out, as I wanted a divorce. We eventually got back together on a trial basis only. I got a job and went back to school, so I could leave him if things didn't work out.

 

During this time, all of his other co-workers who were also cheating got caught, and all of their wives divorced them immediately.(no kids) He then had to listen to them moan and groan daily over their completely changed lives.

 

I think this, plus me leaving, made him face what his reality would be like if we divorced. He pulled his head out of his a** real fast and did a complete 180.

Edited October 23, 2012 by beenburned
wrong word

[Spark1111]

There is not much I can add to the emotions so beautifully described by the OPs.

 

The loss of self-esteem and confidence for a long time.

 

The inability to trust my own perception of reality.

 

The loss of some friends who either thought I was crazy to divorce OR reconcile.

 

The loss of a legacy I had worked so hard to ensure was honorable: our marriage and family life and our reputation within our community.

 

The fear that this will have lifelong repurcussions for my children as yet unknown.

 

The humiliation that many people knew or suspected and they will NEVER view my H the same, nor our relationship, nor my decision to reconcile.

 

I will always be known as a woman whose H cheated on her by some friends and family, and I still, at times want to smack that pity-look off their faces.

 

Not only did I not DESERVE this, OMG! My children most certainly did not.

[KathyM]

I can describe what my ex BIL's cheating did to my sister. She was a young, beautiful woman, with a loving heart and just barely past the newlywed stage when her husband cheated on her for the first time. After she found out (he confessed), she went into a major depression that lasted for at least one year. All she wanted to do was sleep after that, and had no energy or interest in anything else. When I talked to her on the phone, her voice was so incredibly sad and lifeless, with no energy at all. When she would come over to my apartment to visit, all she wanted to do was lay in the bed and seclude herself. When I would carefully ask what was wrong, she would burst into tears and sob uncontrollably. She eventually told me what was wrong, and swore me to secrecy, because she was so embarrassed and humiliated. She decided to stay in the marriage, since her husband was remorseful, but she never felt the same about him after that. After a couple of kids and several years later, he cheated on her again. This time, there was a major problem with the OW trying to blackmail her husband, calling my sister, and trying to extort money from them that they ended up having to call the police and have her warned to stay away. My sister went into a tailspin after that, began behaving very irratically, and they got a divorce. She is now married to someone who is very trustworthy. A great guy, but my sister still suffers from self esteem issues, trust issues, and jealousy issues because of everything her ex husband put her through with his cheating ways.

[jnel921]

I think age and experience come into play. This is the second marriage and second cheating H. the hurt and pain are the same. I struggled more with the first marriage as I was younger had a 1 year old and was 4 months pregnant . I went to therapy for a long time. This time, while it still hurts like hell. I know it's not about me and not my fault.

 

I just feel sad. Sad that I can't look at him the same. Sad that I don't want to tell my family and friends because the impact will not help us move forward if we choose that path.

 

Being betrayed is never easy. Your emotions will roller coaster and random thoughts and questions may come to mind. Crying and hurt is normal.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I left out a big one: Feeling like a chump for trying to work things out. I fought that one really hard. Paranoia is another good one. Someone mentioned feeling stupid, that was there too, though I didn't feel it as strongly because I knew my "stupidity" was really complete faith in my spouse. I didn't feel as stupid for that. Trust is necessary for marriage, and if you don't have it...gooood luck with that.

[Spark1111]

I left out a big one: Feeling like a chump for trying to work things out. I fought that one really hard. Paranoia is another good one. Someone mentioned feeling stupid' date=' that was there too, though I didn't feel it as strongly because I knew my "stupidity" was really complete faith in my spouse. I didn't feel as stupid for that. Trust is necessary for marriage, and if you don't have it...gooood luck with that.[/quote']

 

You should NEVER feel like a chump for trying to work it out!

 

I am a woman who had the divorce attorney on speed dial for two years, and I want to assert that trying to work it out takes more courage and fortitude and emotional investment than pulling the trigger and walking away.

 

And I dare ANYONE to disagree with me.

 

The WS is the biggest trigger of them all. If the end result would have been divorce, I might have initially chided myself for being stupid.....

 

but at the end of my life? No, never! I would have the satisfaction of knowing in my heart I gave it my all. And that is NO regrets.

[justcantletgo]

Thanks. I've been looking for threads like this.

[Furious]

In my early twenties I was robbed and assaulted, punched and kicked to the ground, my car stolen along with my purse. I suffered a concussion and broken colar bone. I was a shaking wreck for months and that night still haunts me.

 

My husbands infidelity is worse, I trusted him, I loved him. It's worse than that night, because the man who attacked me was a stranger, but to have the one who promised to protect me, love me, honor me, respect me, put a knife in my heart and lied to me.

[Ninja'sHusband]

In my early twenties I was robbed and assaulted, punched and kicked to the ground, my car stolen along with my purse. I suffered a concussion and broken colar bone. I was a shaking wreck for months and that night still haunts me.

 

My husbands infidelity is worse, I trusted him, I loved him. It's worse than that night, because the man who attacked me was a stranger, but to have the one who promised to protect me, love me, honor me, respect me, put a knife in my heart and lied to me.

Yes, I think what's missing here is the DEGREE to which we feel these feelings.

 

I mentioned in another thread that I would have rather been hit by a car. I would have rather had my hands crushed and had to give up music. It was by far the worst experience of my life. It probably will rank up there as one of the worst events of my daughter's life as well.

 

(and agreed about the chump thing Sparks, but nonetheless it was my "feeling" whether it made sense to my head or not)

[drifter777]

Dazed and confused. Hurt and disgusted. My emotions circled around these four conditions every few hours. I remember how much I loved sleeping those first few days. It didn't hurt when I was sleeping. Then I would wake up and everything was ok for the first few seconds, and then I would remember and the horrible pain of betrayal would return. I was depressed to the point of suicide and only the thought of leaving my son without a father kept me alive. This crisis phase lasted a month or two, and then I started compartmentalizing all of the pain, anger, shame, and disgust so I could bury it all into some dark corner of my mind. I'm good at that part, but it just wouldn't stay buried.

[drifter777]

You should NEVER feel like a chump for trying to work it out!

 

I am a woman who had the divorce attorney on speed dial for two years, and I want to assert that trying to work it out takes more courage and fortitude and emotional investment than pulling the trigger and walking away.

 

And I dare ANYONE to disagree with me.

 

The WS is the biggest trigger of them all. If the end result would have been divorce, I might have initially chided myself for being stupid.....

 

but at the end of my life? No, never! I would have the satisfaction of knowing in my heart I gave it my all. And that is NO regrets.

 

Ok, I stayed and after decades have (mostly) worked through my wife's betrayal. But I still feel like a chump for staying, and all of the pain I've endured for trying to just put it behind me makes it worse.

 

We're still together and things are much, much better. I guess I'm in this for life. But if I had it to do over again I would never have handled it the way I did and I'm sure that it would have led to divorce. I am convinced we both would have been better off ending it back then.

[frozensprouts]

a big part of it is that it's such a betrayal of trust...i felt so foolish for trusting him ,for not seeing his cheating for what it was earlier than i did..in fact, for little while I felt like my own emotions were betraying me..I felt so stupid for continuing to love him in spite of what he'd done, like I'd wasted 12 years of my life...

 

i remember the need for something to help me sleep ( Zopiclone...never ever going to use that again...used it once and found out right away how it was not suitable for me to be taking while I was alone with me kids, but i saw so tired, couldn't think straight...)

 

I don't think my husband really knows how bad things had been, after the "fog" cleared from his head, he was ready to see it, he did try, but I don't think that you can understand it unless you have been there yourself...

 

while everyone responds differently to being betrayed like that, there do seem to be some really common themes...

[GLDheart]

I have been through some crazy $hit in my life... from wild nights amped up on adrenaline untouchable in the storm of chaos of a mosh pit... to spinning out hydro planing my car at 70 mph into trees on the side of the highway... To wrestling a rottweiler off my puppy to save it's life... I could go on...

 

...yet, I was always in control. Never scared. no emotions besides excitement. And usually an after the fact "damn that was crazy..."

 

BUT, having my fiancee betray me made me feel like a helpless child. Like my life was out of control... tipped up side down. Like I was an unwanted discarded piece of trash... Like the things that make me good and strong and worthwhile mean nothing... and with all of that pain, ALONE to sort it out.

 

It's been tough to say the least.

[waterwoman]

Nothing. I felt like nothing.

[beenburned]

As for feeling stupid or a chump, I remember feeling both of these emotions.

 

But I wasn't stupid because I constantly questioned his whole personality change but was always lied to and gaslighted until I shut up.

 

The wives of his co-workers followed their H's around until they all caught them. But I had 2 young children and we lived 45 minutes from his work.

 

As for feeling like a chump for staying with him, I completely did.(as I had always told him cheating was a dealbreaker)

 

When d-day happened, I left and took the kids to live with my parents. I was a SAHM who wanted a divorce.

 

My parents urged me to reconcile with him as I couldn't support myself without a job.(and they were not in any financial shape to help at that point in time)

 

So I eventually went back with a plan in mind. I got a job and went to school at night, planning to divorce when I was able to support myself and the kids.

 

Luckily, I never had to go through with my plan as he was totally remorseful and did everything in his power to completely change permanently.

 

Looking back with hindsight, I feel each one of us does the best we can, at the point in time.( when d-day happens) It is almost like being thrown into the ocean without a life jacket, you either sink or swim!

[mercy]

Pain beyond measure.

[Steadfast]

Nothing. I felt like nothing.

 

Yes. And abandoned. Worried...not just about myself, but my kids. The way my ex acted was unusually cruel; cold, mean and defiant. For the first time in my life, I felt the evil pain of abuse. And her joy fed off that pain.

[2sure]

Because my X proved to me that I could not rely on my own judgement as much as I previously thought - I am over sensitive when I feel some one has not been completely honest with me or takes advantage of me in any way. Its terrible.

 

I have to make a conscious effort to step way back and let people make mistakes. I have to remind myself that they arent trying to hurt me, that I do not need to constantly defend and protect myself.

 

I have a 16 year old daughter, wonderful amazing kid. Not perfect : might skip a class , stay up late on her laptop, say one thing do another, forget an assignment - you get it. If I catch her in ANY kind of lie it takes everything I have to keep it together.

 

I also have people that work for me - they have access to my information and property, effect what I earn, and could screw me. No one has, but oh my god if someone does....I cant trust myself.

 

Im lucky in that I have many social opportunities that I really do enjoy and get to meet lots of interesting people. Including some very nice men who I sometimes date. But how could I possibly know for sure that they arent complete douches? I have a broken man picker , clearly, and am not to be trusted in that regard.

 

I know this is crazy and crazy is vulnerable so its like vicious cycle

[JamesM]

I don't have a story to tell, but I want to say that this thread is great for those of us who have considered an affair. It is good to see what kind of pain we could cause to our spouse.

 

It can be a deterrent for those who are on the brink of an affair.

 

It is entirely possible that your story will prevent another man or woman from experiencing what you have gone through. While it won't erase your pain, it may keep someone else from such pain.

 

My heart breaks for you and the pain you all have endured. Hugs.

[StormySeas]

I fight so hard to maintain perspective right now. To know that nobody around me has died, has a terminal illness, or is impoverished. I work so hard right now to feel "lucky" with the hand that I've been dealt in life, and to not let this awful affair undermine everything that has made me the person that I am today. It takes so much effort to try to maintain a semblance of self-esteem. It takes such strength to get out of bed in the morning, snuggle with our son, go to work, and decide to take on the day without cracking into a million pieces. The depth of the feelings that this affair have brought on are so unfamiliar to me -- self pity, angst, anger, fear, and hatred. It takes such strength to not go to the OW and give her one great right hook that would transfer my emotional pain to my hand (because it would be the strongest most awesome punch ever so would totally result in me hurting myself! ). It also takes strength to not do the same to my H.

 

I spent some time with a friend's uncle, who is a family lawyer yesterday. And I realized that what I overwhelmingly feel about this whole affair is that it's just so unfair. Facing the decision to divorce, and start seeing our 4 year old son somewhere from 40% to 50% less than I do today when I wasn't the one who cheated, is just flat out unfair. It's unfair that I now don't think there's a decision to be made at all and that the legal system made the decision for me. If there is a 0.5% chance that I can reconcile with my H, then I have to -- because I am not going to see our son less than I do today as a working mother. And that is just so motherf'ing unfair.

[2sure]

I know! THIS is why old ladies stand at the check out counter analyzing their receipt and counting change. And maybe living with cats...its all freaking related.