Helluva Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 My (now ex)boyfriend broke up with me two days ago after I gave him a couple days to think things through and decide what he wanted. He told me that he's not ready to be in a relationship like he one time thought he was, and that he's sorry for hurting me. I'm so mad right now, and so hurt. I got pregnant almost three months ago and two weeks ago we found out that I had miscarried. It was obvious during the month and a half that we were expecting that he wasn't ready to settle down (he talked about putting the baby up for adoption, or breaking up and raising it, claiming he wasn't sure he was ready to be both a father and boyfriend), but he has really let me down these past few months. We were together for a little over a year, and we are best friends. He's been the one I've turned to for everything, and I thought for sure I could depend on him, but these past few months have taught me I can't. It feels like not once did he put my feelings into consideration, and not once did he stand by me like I needed him to do - which I told him multiple times. Granted - we were in a long distance relationship for the past few months, but that's no excuse to turn your back on the person who needs you the most. To make matters worse, since the miscarriage I've sunk into a depression. I have friends, a job, and am a full time college student, but if you've seen my life these past couple weeks you'd think that I had no responsibilities. I've been skipping classes, giving away shifts at my job, and up until recently have pushed all my friends out of my life. I'm just...so tired of everything and going through all this pain that I've been through. I really need to know what to do...he says I can still depend on him, he just doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He's terrified that I'm just going to push him out of my life forever, which I honestly want to do. If it wasn't for the fact that he owes me money for the medical bills I would. Or at least try. I'm so used to talking to him 24/7 that getting used to how things will be from now on will be incredibly difficult. I really need someone to zap me the strength to get up, and move on like I need to do.
geegirl Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 To make matters worse, since the miscarriage I've sunk into a depression. I have friends, a job, and am a full time college student, but if you've seen my life these past couple weeks you'd think that I had no responsibilities. I've been skipping classes, giving away shifts at my job, and up until recently have pushed all my friends out of my life. I'm just...so tired of everything and going through all this pain that I've been through. I really need to know what to do...he says I can still depend on him, he just doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He's terrified that I'm just going to push him out of my life forever, which I honestly want to do. If it wasn't for the fact that he owes me money for the medical bills I would. Or at least try. I'm so used to talking to him 24/7 that getting used to how things will be from now on will be incredibly difficult. I really need someone to zap me the strength to get up, and move on like I need to do. When he chose to end the relationship, he chose to remove himself from your life. He doesn't get to set his terms nor does he get a choice. So, it's perfectly up to you if you want him in your life or not. Personally, I would pay the bills and cut the cord. Money and stuff is commonly used in a break-up as an excuse to keep communication lines open. Sometimes it's better to just let it go and move on with your life. Money is never an excuse to jeopardize or damage your emotional sanity and well-being. I understand this is a hard time for you but you have to keep moving. Moving is what will get you going. When you wake up in the morning, don't lay in bed. If you do, you will wallow and stay stagnant. Get up right away and in an almost robotic manner, brush your teeth, shower, put clean clothes on and get out of the house. Reconnect with your friends and family. This is the time to seek their support rather than feel dependent on him. Go to school and be around people. Try to focus on class and keep your mind occupied. Go to work. It helps to distract you when you are busy. You don't want to lose your job and have another crisis on your hands. Go for walks. Start exercising. Pick up a book and immerse yourself. Go for a meditation class. It gave me much calm and peace. Do something, anything. Just don't stay indoors and drown yourself in those bad feelings. It's been two days. Allow yourself a set amount of time to get it all out. I gave myself close to two weeks and set a day where I had to get up and go and begin a routine. It was hard to do but I had to force myself and to do it. 1
KatZee Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 He's still a little boy. He is not a man. This is not a person you can go to, this is not a person you can depend on, this isn't someone who would have been there for you and your child. Which by the way, I'm extremely sorry for your loss. I would say that this whole thing is a blessing (not the loss of your child) but a blessing in that all of this truly brought out the true colors of this person. He's not capable of responsibility. He is not husband material. He is not father material. What would have happened if you had that baby? One of his options was to break up with you, while raising it? That doesn't even make sense to me. I really think you would have been left, as a single mother, to raise your child alone. I think his words, and actions are those of a person who really doesn't have a grasp on reality and the adult world. He's just not ready for it. 1
venusianx13 Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 I've kept up with your posts these past few weeks, and I am very sorry for the loss of your baby. On some level, I understand what you are going through... my ex was barely there for me when he should have been (while I was pregnant with his child). In the end, I pulled away from him completely, and it was ONLY after that, that he decided to try and pull it together and be a partner(husband) and father. But by then, it was too late. I had already built up an irreconcilable amount of resentment for him. I decided I did not want to marry him, and ran. I know this seems counterintuitive to what you feel is right at the moment, but you need to realize he's not going to give you what you want/need now, most likely ever. And it has nothing to do with YOU not being good enough. It may be the most painful feeling of withdrawl you've ever had (at least for a little while), but you should cut him out completely. And I promise, the benefits of doing this, in the long run, will be worth it. If I can pose this correctly, the attachment we have for a partner is chemical, like a drug. You will feel pain over the loss of this human connection for some time, but the point of no contact is to get it over with in the fastest way possible so that you can move on. Like an emotional "detox." I wish I'd understood this sooner in my own life, but I hope you'll take some time to consider it. I really do hope you save yourself from any further heartache.
Balzac Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Get yourself to the student counsing center and then get yourself a reliable contraceptive.
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