miamiman Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 My wife had an affair. She denies it. But, I know its true. Friends have told me she was having an affair with a co-worker. Their chemistry together is obviuos. And, as their bonds have grown, my relationship with my wife has suffered. I am generally ignored, except for mercy sex. I have threatend divorce. She is afraid of that result. But, I can't take much mor of this. I know she and her co-worker are together. Even if she admitteded the affair and nothing was going on now, I still couldn't forgive her because they still work together. Impossible it is just over. Our anniversary is coming up and I planned a getaway. She doesn't really want to go and I know I am dragging her. All around, we are in a bad place. 1
96nole Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 How long have you been married? Do you have any kids? 1
BetrayedH Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 Others may disagree, but I always felt I had to know the truth so I could make a rational decision. Not knowing can be crazy making. No one wants to divorce over a gut feeling. I recommend you go into investigative mode: internet history, phone records, emails, financials, Facebook, are a start. I bought a GPS unit for her car and caught her on the first download. By the way, while you are investigating, play dumb. Pretend life is all sunshine and sunflowers. Never reveal your sources. Once you have some proof, go straight to a family law attorney and find out about your options. My $.02 anyway. 3
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 My wife had an affair. She denies it. But, I know its true. Friends have told me she was having an affair with a co-worker. Their chemistry together is obviuos. And, as their bonds have grown, my relationship with my wife has suffered. I am generally ignored, except for mercy sex. I have threatend divorce. She is afraid of that result. But, I can't take much mor of this. I know she and her co-worker are together. Even if she admitteded the affair and nothing was going on now, I still couldn't forgive her because they still work together. Impossible it is just over. Our anniversary is coming up and I planned a getaway. She doesn't really want to go and I know I am dragging her. All around, we are in a bad place. She hasn't admitted or owned her affair and yes she SHOULD be scared of divorce..Hello consquences! What gives her the right to do as she pleases and then not want to face the heat of her choices??!!! I say, tell her straight up this is how it's going to be. End the A completely, no contact.. Quit your job, we do marriage counseling together and apart, and in 6 months we'll re assess the situation, our marriage and see what we both feel. OR, move out, we'll separate and you can see what life is like without me in it while I speak to a lawyer about a divorce. She has to suffer SOME kind of consequence, otherwise she is going to continue on having her cake and eating it too. Is the co worker married as well? If yes, consider letting the co worker's wife know about the affair.
nofool4u Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 She doesn't really want to go and I know I am dragging her. She is afraid of divorce, but she obviously doesn't want to be away from her lover. I'd go ahead and proceed with divorce. Trust me, it isn't all that bad once its all said and done. You won't trust her ever again, and you'd just be living a life of constant wondering. Thats no life. There is a better life, and better women out there for you. Don't waste any more of your short years left on this planet.
drifter777 Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 You are overlooking some great ways to flush out the truth: tell her your suspicions and demand that she find a new job and watch her reaction. Another technique is to offer her amnesty; a one time chance for her to come clean without repercussions. When she tells you about her affair feel free to go back on your "amnesty" thing and kick her cheating ass out. You don't owe a cheater a "fair" chance. The point is, you really need proof to get the resolve to go through with the divorce or whatever you plan to do next. And there are many ways to get that proof so focus on that until you know one way or another. 1
TiredFamilyGuy Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 OP, it's a truism, but "No consequences for actions, equals no reason to change". You are going to have to create some consequences: divorce her or kick her out/leave her. Make her uncomfortable somehow, pop her bubble. Or, go into full investigative mode. And then do the above afterwards. It's got to be one or the other.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 Our anniversary is coming up and I planned a getaway. She doesn't really want to go and I know I am dragging her. All around, we are in a bad place. For me this is reason for concern. When my wife was in the middle of her affair, we had a weekend getaway to the Smoky Mtns planned in advance for the New Year's Eve weekend. She refused to go and made me cancel the entire trip. She gave me some lame excuse and I reluctantly bought it like a dumbass. Cheating spouses do not want to spend extended alone time with their spouse. It makes them feel very uncomfortable for obvious reasons. 2
TrueStory Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 So sad. But, if a TrueStory, I am adding it to my blogs
TrueStory Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 My wife had an affair. She denies it. But, I know its true. Friends have told me she was having an affair with a co-worker. Their chemistry together is obviuos. And, as their bonds have grown, my relationship with my wife has suffered. I am generally ignored, except for mercy sex. I have threatend divorce. She is afraid of that result. But, I can't take much mor of this. I know she and her co-worker are together. Even if she admitteded the affair and nothing was going on now, I still couldn't forgive her because they still work together. Impossible it is just over. Our anniversary is coming up and I planned a getaway. She doesn't really want to go and I know I am dragging her. All around, we are in a bad place. For me this is a reason for concern. I am surprised that she hasn't cancelled or refused to go. Did she try? Give you a lame excuse? Cheating spouses do not want to spend extended alone time with their spouse. It makes them feel very uncomfortable for obvious reasons.
TrueStory Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Others may disagree, but I always felt I had to know the truth so I could make a rational decision. Not knowing can be crazy making. No one wants to divorce over a gut feeling. I recommend you go into investigative mode: internet history, phone records, emails, financials, Facebook, are a start. I bought a GPS unit for her car and caught her on the first download. By the way, while you are investigating, play dumb. Pretend life is all sunshine and sunflowers. Never reveal your sources. Once you have some proof, go straight to a family law attorney and find out about your options.
TexasCountryGirl Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 For whatever it is worth ... Let me just say that making any sort of decision right this moment may not be realistic and may not reflect your same final decision even if she "came clean." To each their own .. I understand that there are lots of people of this forum so will say, "trust your gut, show her the door (etc)" however for what it is worth ... let me just tell you what happened to me! My entire life I told myself and made it very clear to friends, family, and even my husband, I would NEVER stay with a cheater. If my husband cheated on me I would be gone in a heartbeat. (or he would - either way there was no way that I would ever consider staying with someone who didn't respect me and betrayed me!) That's it .. period .. end of story! When I first suspected the affair and I had the same beliefs ... then I went into investigation mode to find the proof for myself ... and I still had the same intentions! I was going to find the proof that I needed and then confront him with it all ... he could admit it or not (it really didn't matter) either way ... the marriage was going to be over! For me - finding the proof was sort of like having it for my own piece of mind! I wanted the proof so that I would never have to look back and ask myself ... "what if " (what if I was wrong ... what if I acted based on a gut decision ... but what if there was never really and affair .. what if I just threw my life away and it was all over nothing !!!) Once I had the proof in hand ... I could walk away with a clean conscience and never have to look back and ask myself if I had made the right decision! But guess what happened ??? Guess where I am sitting today ... I am still here! We are working to reconcile and although it is not easy and there have been many, many times that I have wanted to wash my hands clean and walk away ... I love my husband and without a doubt I know that he too loves me. It is easy to say "I will never" ... when you are on the outside looking in! It is not always as easy when you are walking in the shoes! I am sure this is not the case for all people. There are 1000's who will debate me / my feelings on this. I am not on the forum to debate "the right decision vs. the wrong" ... like I said ... for whatever it is worth ... that is my story!
StormySeas Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 So true, TexasCountryGirl. I think that's one of the issues that I struggle with the most at this point in this "process". I always said that I would never, ever stay with a cheater...and yet, here I am, considering doing just that. The disconnect makes me question everything about who I am, my strengths, my weaknesses, etc. It's tough. But I think you really hit the nail on the head. Nobody knows that this sort of betrayal feels like. I think that investigative mode to truth has to occur in this instance...and unfortunately that is going to really really suck. Her still working with this guy is the least of your concerns. Figuring out the status of their relationship, versus the status of your relationship, is much more important. Jobs can change quite easily...the rest of this crap? Much harder to figure out.
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