soc205 Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 When I was in my late teens I met a girl from the USA. She was on a school exchange in my local town. We got together and had intense relationship for around 5 months. Eventually after the exchange programme was done she had to go home. I remember feeling numb. It was the first time I'd lost someone I loved. We stayed in touch by mail mostly, no email in those days and international calls where expensive. After 6 months I visited her for an incredible 2 weeks. We were so in love, but again I had to go home. I started school in my country and we stayed in touch by mail, but drifted. Though we wanted to be together we both had commitments in our own countries, truthfully if I had been more determined, braver, wiser, I probably could have moved then. Its hazy how, but at some point we both ended up with other partners. She was first to get married. She mailed me one day to say she was engaged, and shortly after to say that her fiancee found it disturbing we still talked and it had to end. I still remember calling her to tell her I love her, but she said it was too late. That night I wanted to fly over but I didn't. I respected her choice. I never contacted her again, though I could not find a girl who filled her place in my heart. Two years later she found me by email. I was dating the woman who would soon become my wife, and my ex had a son, then two. We stayed in touch for several years as friends with sometimes 6 months between mails. Then around 3 or 4 years ago things started to change. We began to support each other through what became clear were two failing mariages, but genuinely trying to help each other to fix our respective lives giving advice and support. It was great to have someone outside of my social circle to let it all out. Suddenly were talking a few times a day. It came out that on her wedding day she had wished for me to run into the church and sweep her off her feet, that she had never truly stopped loving me, that she cried when I told her I was getting married. My ex became everything for me again, but constantly wrestled with her conscience, cutting me off for weeks or months while she tried to repair her marriage. I never made first contact but she always came back saying that she couldn't be without me, and I was always so glad when she did. From my side, I believe my ex filled a void which was already present in my marriage. The love was gone and there was little happiness. I stayed because I believed in the idea that marriage is for life. At the time I was not in any way thinking about cheating, or about other women, only that my life and my heart were empty. But I now know that making such an intimate connection with my ex drove a wedge firmly between my wife and I, and I came to resent my wife for being the reason I could not be with my ex. I also hated myself for not getting on the plane so many years ago. I separated from wife telling her it was in the hope that time apart would make me miss her. But I also wanted to meet my ex in person the first time in 12 years. It was although we had never been apart. For the fist time in years my heart was truly fulfilled. But she was still married, and struggled with what she had done. We still lived in different countries. A foreigner can not work and live in the USA without being married to a national. Again I had to go home. By this time I had massive depression about the whole thing. Her husband figured it all out and he knew it was me, apparently it has always been me. He knew that more than I did. He contacted my wife to let her know. After some very difficult times including my wife going with another man to hurt me, we all resolved to try to repair our respective marriages. Again I did it because I was married, not because I was in love. My wife is a devout Catholic and told me she could never marry again. That divorce would destroy her life. My ex and I stopped talking again for many months. During this time my wife and were doing ok. Not brilliant, but ok. We worked at having fun together, and we managed to conceive our first child after 5 years of trying. That was a big part of our initial troubles and I firmly believed that a child would provide the glue to hold our family together. At the same time my ex got divorced. It was her idea, her husband still loved her. She called me the night she left in tears and it sent me into a tailspin. I hated her for it, but I wanted her so much. It just burned inside me all day. I couldn't engage with my wife and I resented her being pregnant. She pushed and pushed for me to tell her why I was suddenly so distant. I knew the truth would destroy her but eventually I confessed. She had our daughter the next day and I found myself holding my new baby, missing my ex, and hating myself for it. So now and I have a goregeous 4 month old daughter who I have not bonded with at all, and I'm on the edge of divorce. Its my decision to make. I've told my wife truthfully that I wish I loved her but I don't. My wife still loves me and wants to figure it out. She's petrified of going it alone with our daughter. My head says I should look after my family and that I will deeply regret giving up my daughter. But there is no feeling there at all. My heart desperately wants my ex. It doesn't matter whether we talk or not the feeling doesn't go away. I've had a crushing depression hanging over me for months. The one thing I really want from all this whichever way it goes, is just to feel at peace from one day to the next. Its killing me.
lakerman34 Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 (edited) I'm young (only 22), stupid, and my relationship problems are minute compared to this. From what I've read, you seem like a very selfless guy who cares very much about the people in his life. Good on you! You have a daughter with a woman who you care for but do not love, and the woman you love is overseas. I think the easy answer would be to bring your love over to the States, marry her before her visa expires, try to get custody of your daughter, and still let your wife know that you'll support her as much as you can. It's your life, man, you deserve to live it how you'd like and with whom you'd like. The most important people in your life, it seems, are your daughter and this woman overseas. Fight for those you love, and keep those you care for close. If this woman overseas really loves you, she'd understand that you can't necessarily kick your wife to the curb because you still care for her as a human being and as a very important person in your life. I wish you the best, man, and make sure you think everything through before you act. I HIGHLY recommend going to see a counselor who SPECIALIZES in this sort of thing (make sure it's someone who is a Ph. D. accredited psychologist, not some self-proclaimed love guru ). I hope that everything works out! Edited October 24, 2012 by lakerman34
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