mook99 Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 Long story short, we have been married for 15 years now. Although I cheated on him 5 years ago in a ONE time fling (1 night stand and drinking) while out of the country for business, I came clean immediately upon returning home as I was guilt ridden so I HAD to tell. However, 5 years after that episode I find out tonight (because he told me) that after 15 years of marriage and being told that I was his ONE and ONLY true sexual experience before marriage that the truth is he has been with 5-6 others before we were together (we married in college). Should I be upset or pissed off? Do I have a right to be upset since I cheated? The sex doesnt bother me (okay, it does a little) as much as 15 years of lying about it. Any input or thoughts on the matter??
Solcita2 Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 I don't think your chearing has anything to do with this... he's been lying for longer. How did you find out and WHY now? I think you're shock to know that he's been able to lie to you for 15 years...
TiredFamilyGuy Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 (edited) Both upset and pissed off, I'd say. The deception is the disturbing thing: all that time when you thought X and the truth was Y. Someone's sexual history becomes part of them, forms desires and expectations, and you had a right not to be lied to about this. Your attitudes to sex may both have been different, maybe better, if this was known: you don't get that time back to find out. He probably doesn't know all the issues this will raise in your mind, like, did he have his fun with the sexy women before settling down with the reliable mother-of-children type, and so has somehow regarded you as less sexy than you are, ever since? That said, I'd rather have been lied to about something that was before marriage than being cheated on in marriage. So as he has (A) kept his marriage vows and (B) forgiven you for cheating and © come clean about the lie, I think you don't have much of a high horse to get up on. But it means he doesn't get to be so high on his horse. That may be a good thing for your marriage, may even be why he told you. Perhaps he wants to do something with you that he did with the other women, and has been scared to ask? Perhaps you would enjoy that thing? Communicate, and find out. Disclaimer: I have a particular reason to care about this topic: after sixteen years of marriage, vanilla sex and two children with an angry and very private wife, I very recently lost patience and confronted her until she started really talking with me, which involved giving up her never-ending therapy. One of the things I then found out was that she told me was that she had slept with (approximately!) 50 guys before marriage: I was completely floored, our sexual histories were so different and I had no idea. It was completely the deception that annoyed me, plus having been in the room with a couple of those people and not known who they were to her - it is so disrespectful. I have reconciled, the effort and turmoil have been awful, I hope you never had that particular problem. My 2 cents is, if this revelation opens the path to you now both communicating freely about the important things, specifically including your sexual needs of each other, then seize that opportunity with both hands rather than go down the route of anger. Edited October 23, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy 1
CheckYourself Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 You really think you should be mad at him for being with other people BEFORE you guys got together? "NONSENSE" You cheated on him but are upset cause he "lied" to you? more "NONSENSE" Grow up! P.S..." NONSENSE...
2sure Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 When you say he told you that you were his one and only TRUE sexual experience....what did you believe the others to be?
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