Ruined for good?:(

[electrahoe]

This may be a little long because you need to know all the details to help me/give your thoughts. So if you read all this bless your soul! Haha

 

Alright. February of this year I met a guy in a chat room. We instantly -- and I mean instantly -- had a very good connection. There were no awkward moments and I could be myself around him. We talked for hours the first night we met.

However, I made the big mistake of giving him a fake picture. I was afraid if he knew who I really was he wouldn't like what he saw and would leave. So our friendship was great, it kept growing stronger and we became closer each week that passed by. All the while he knew nothing about the real me. Yes, I even lied about my name, who my friends were. Everything was fake except for my personality. We were perfect though. We would stay up until three in the morning on school nights just texting for hours. There was never a dull moment.

Around May he confessed his feelings for me. Said he never felt this way about a girl before. Said he thought he was in love with me. The girl I was pretending to be had a boyfriend. I said it couldn't work. I told him he was like my brother.

This crushed him, but our relationship still held strong.

Summer began and we were getting in a lot more arguments for some reason. I found that I was pushing him away, unattaching myself from him on purpose because I was planning on leaving our friendship behind. Leaving at the end of summer. I couldn't go on pretending to be this girl he thought I was. It was so stressful. And I couldn't bring myself to confess who I really was to him. I figured it'd absolutely ruin us.

But something clicked inside of me and I realized how the hell could I just stop talking to him? I couldn't. I cherished our friendship way too much to do that. So. July third I confess myself to him. I was crying my eyes out and shaking so badly as I typed out the text message. I figured it'd be the last conversation I have with him.

But he wasnt mad at all. Yes he was shocked. But not mad. He wanted to know all the REAL things about me. He was glad I told him. Things were weird for the first couple days, but we got used to it and everything soon went back to normal. He asked me everyday to be his girlfriend.

July 25th I finally give in and say yes. But I soon realize that I just don't love him like that. I love him like a friend and a friend only. I break up with him a week later. He's furious. We get into a huge fight and hardly talk for weeks. When we do talk we're making jabs at each other and arguing like mad.

Things cool down and we start talking again. We work it out. It doesn't feel the same.

Time passes and we are...alright. I'm still having mixed feelings about our relationship. Stupid me comes to him on September 10th and I pour out my feelings to him. I tell him I love him and I need him and I was dumb before and let's get back together. He's ecstatic.

Two days before our one month anniversary...I breakup with him again.

Surprisingly he's not as mad this time. A lot more hurt just because everything I said about us wasnt entirely true.

So now everything is gone to ****. We're ruined for good and it's all my fault.

I sometimes think he wishes I was actually Leah (the girl I pretended to be). She was so much prettier and whatnot.

But everything was perfect back then. It just feels so wrong now. We hardly talk and we can't joke around with each other anymore and it's just terrible. I want the old us back so much but I'm thinking it'll never happen now. Ugh.

I'm sorry I had to get this out. If this made sense and you read this far, thank you so much!! If you have any thoughts or advice I would greatly appreciate it and would love to hear an outsider's opinion.

<3

[Calico]

Surprisingly he's not as mad this time. A lot more hurt just because everything I said about us wasnt entirely true.

 

Most of it was entirely false, is probably a better way of putting this.

 

Well, I imagine he wasn't as mad that time because at some point it is getting old for people. First you lied to him about everything except your personality (but that too, because, and I'm sorry for the bluntness, lying and sending fake photos of someone else says something about your personality, too), then you told him you only want to be friends, then you wanted him as a partner, then you dumped him, then back together again, then you ditched him another time ... I mean ... who would really want to deal with all of that? It's all very unhealthy and isn't good for yourself, either.

 

You don't need more blame than you already put on yourself, and it's not very important now anyway. Sometimes things just spiral out of control. I think you would probably benefit from walking away from this and allowing him to find someone who will give him a better, more stable relationship. See about working a little on yourself, your self esteem, and your courage. I understand that it's difficult for women in a society where so much is judged based on appearance alone, but if you want genuine friendships and relationships, you have to be genuinely yourself.

 

It's better to not send any photos if you are not comfortable sending your own. Just say that you're not ready for that yet and if people don't accept that, then they are probably not people you want to have close to you anyway. (Provided it's not a dating site.)