NavyAirTraffic Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 I almost contacted her tonight. Was out with a girl I met, it was a good time. We had drinks, had laughs, overall a good time. After the date I couldn't get my ex out of my head, and I have been doing good, like really good but tonight was almost unbearable. I think what really did it was last week at this time, exactly right now, she was in my bed, she was holding me like before (the breakup). Tonight, nothing no text/call nothing, she's with her new man!! I almost texted her, the woman I was with was great/beautiful but she wasn't my ex. Thank you LS!! I haven't listened to all of your advice (or mine) but I'm taking it tonight. I won't contact her, she doesn't deserve it!! F*uck that, I don't deserve this, I deserve better!!!!!!! 2
mishy Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 You do deserve better, from what I have read in your threads i think you sound like an awesome guy. Keep strong!!!! 1
Calico Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 Grr. You shouldn't already be dating women! Take more time for yourself. Dating people so soon is like numbing yourself out, same as alcohol, just with people. But nonetheless I'm happy for you that you feel better! Do masturbate more, date less -- for a little while! 3
Calico Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 One week after he last slept with his ex who played him one last time? I think that's too soon. It's just avoidance of the pain and the discomfort. Like any other form of numbing. But he can be our lab rat and we can see how it works for him over the course of the next few weeks.
mishy Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 One week after he last slept with his ex who played him one last time? I think that's too soon. It's just avoidance of the pain and the discomfort. Like any other form of numbing. But he can be our lab rat and we can see how it works for him over the course of the next few weeks. yes i think we need a lab rat, and we can monitor the effects. Its better that he date than drink himself into oblivion. Keep us updated
Calico Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 (edited) When that beta male voice whispers in your head and your feelings and emotions try to betray you... You do exactly what you did tonight. Take charge, give them a beat down and show them who the MAN is. When RMT asked about dating someone several weeks after his breakup (also cheated on, like Navy), you came down crashing on him and told him that he's using the girl. When Navy does the same one week after the BU, it's a good thing and what an alpha male does? Edit: Actually, it could just have been in reference to the not contacting her. Yep, I agree, that's good. Still think dating so soon is tricky, but curious to see how it works out. Edited October 23, 2012 by Calico
Author NavyAirTraffic Posted October 23, 2012 Author Posted October 23, 2012 Calico I value your advice, I specifically look for your responses in threads. Gibson you know I truly appreciate what you have to say, I've expressed that to you in the past. I let this girl know that I'm a broken soul before we went out, I let her know my views about relationships and that I'm not seeking one right now. Am I wrong but isn't dating an inevitable and necessary step? I refuse to let my ex take months away from my life. I'm dating for 2 simple reasons; 1.) I'm a man and I have sexual needs and desires, 2.) I need to understand that there are amazing women out there that deserve my love and my ex isn't the most amazing thing walking this earth. These are all theories right now but I believe a necessary step to transition from "couple me" to "singe me".
Calico Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 Well, I don't believe that there are solutions and approaches that work equally well for everyone. For me, right now, friendships work better. But I do have female friends who give me some of that warmth and attention (not FWB) that make the loneliness more bearable. I don't need the sexual aspects at the moment because I don't want to be so close with someone when I know I'm not fully over my ex. When I tried to allow for more closeness, it just opened the wound and I missed my ex (a lot) more when the initial "basking in affection" feeling of being wanted wore off, which I felt was unfair to the girl who had shown interest (and who knew about the situation). I just kept comparing. But that is me, and if your approach works better for you, then I don't want to discourage it, especially since you've told the woman exactly where you stand and what the background is. It's all you can do. I'm not sure if what you do helps to go from "couple me" to "single me", because the source of the comfort and feeling better is again someone else rather than something that comes solely from inside yourself. It's dependency, just a different flavor of it. I am not saying that this is necessarily the wrong approach (I favor the view that it is), so when I wrote above that I'm curious how it plays out for you, that was exactly what I meant. It was not a "you'll see!", but genuine interest in learning whether or not it's beneficial for your healing process in the mid term. I do sometimes wonder if I (and many here) am wasting time.
Author NavyAirTraffic Posted October 23, 2012 Author Posted October 23, 2012 Well, I don't believe that there are solutions and approaches that work equally well for everyone. For me, right now, friendships work better. But I do have female friends who give me some of that warmth and attention (not FWB) that make the loneliness more bearable. I don't need the sexual aspects at the moment because I don't want to be so close with someone when I know I'm not fully over my ex. When I tried to allow for more closeness, it just opened the wound and I missed my ex (a lot) more when the initial "basking in affection" feeling of being wanted wore off, which I felt was unfair to the girl who had shown interest (and who knew about the situation). I just kept comparing. But that is me, and if your approach works better for you, then I don't want to discourage it, especially since you've told the woman exactly where you stand and what the background is. It's all you can do. I'm not sure if what you do helps to go from "couple me" to "single me", because the source of the comfort and feeling better is again someone else rather than something that comes solely from inside yourself. It's dependency, just a different flavor of it. I am not saying that this is necessarily the wrong approach (I favor the view that it is), so when I wrote above that I'm curious how it plays out for you, that was exactly what I meant. It was not a "you'll see!", but genuine interest in learning whether or not it's beneficial for your healing process in the mid term. I do sometimes wonder if I (and many here) am wasting time. Calico I don't know either!! These are just theories of mine. "Getting over someone takes time"- I think the time is used to go through certain emotions or emotional stages, google "stages of a broken heart". My theory is to speed up those stages, there is no defined time limit on each stage given each broken heart is different. I'm trying to regain "single, carefree, fun" me back as quick as possible. I don't suppress my emotions when they come out to play, if I need to cry I cry, if my mind wants to think about her I let it (but manipulate to focus on the negatives). I'm in the same position as you, I'm also curious to see what happens. She's no longer an equation in my life, and I know I have no power to change that. I'll be the guinea pig for my own little experiment. I'll keep you guys updated from time to time.
Author NavyAirTraffic Posted October 23, 2012 Author Posted October 23, 2012 I think its best that you take time off after a break up for a variety of reasons. You see it another way. With this girl and the others you will meet... You were open, honest, told her where you stand, where she stands, what you want and what your intentions are like I knew you would. If they want to go along for the ride... show them a good time. The main thing I am concerned with or focused on is understanding that filling the void left by my ex is unhealthy right now. It will only lead to attachment issues later down the road e.g. always in a relationship just to be in a relationship. I'm conscience of this and I'm merely trying to regain single me. Meet new people, accept there are great people out there other than my ex, avoid a relationship. This is a lifestyle I once loved (not too long ago), we all have at one point, and I'm trying to get back as soon as possible. I thought I wasn't ready for love, I loved my single life, then I thought I met "the one" and single me was easy to give up. Well I don't have a choice now, I'm headed back to single me like it or not, just trying to speed the process up.
River Rain Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 I'm proud of you for not contacting her! Taking our own advice is hard at times! And I'm on the side where I think it's fine to date someone soon after a breakup as long as you're honest with them about your situation. I think it really depends on the person though. In my case I've bounced back quicker than most and I don't need/want to rebound, I'm just starting from scratch again.
whatheheckhappened Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Navy...you and i are in the same boat...no pun intended. i'm out there dating again. however, my dumper is always on my mind. am i being fair to myself and my dates? dont know...thats why its called dating. like yourself i would rather force myself out there again and find that Alpha, confident male i can be ....than sit in an mope and dissect what the heck happened..and think about breaking NC. stay strong!
suladas Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Think it's different for everyone, but I tried to force myself went on a OLD date, she was not to great so it did set me back. But I think if you meet someone new who's really great it would help your healing a lot and would probably make you ready for a new RS much quicker. I just decided i'm not going to try and meet anyone for a RS right now, if something happens and they seem cool i'll go for it though. Meeting new females, even not an official date has just been such a disappointment so far. It sure seems to take a long time to get back to use to being single though, well over 3 months since the BU and still seems to be a ways to go. Doesn't help to still see her almost daily. Anything around home still reminds me of her to. Just yesterday I was eating breakfast looking out at my backyard and the f**king fence reminds me of her, since we built it together. One day I shouldn't care about it anymore, but it likely won't happen anytime soon. Hard to say if dating would help though.
Under The Radar Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Hey Navy, I'm a sensitive guy, so take this for what it's worth, but I'd be careful of dating too soon after your breakup. I was pretty broken up after my last relationship and tried to "speed up" the stages of a breakup/grief by dating new girls. We have all heard the saying: The fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I was in so much pain and heartache I decided to take that advice out of desperation. You know what happened? It made me feel worse and I was comparing my ex to the new girl (who is a very pretty and kind person) the entire time which just triggered my depression more. Anyway, I'm all for people going out and having fun. I also wouldn't judge someone for dating others after a breakup. I'm just saying it can actually set some people back. In my case, I was trying to escape the pain rather than dwell in it for a little while and analyze things (much like Calico has recommended in some of his posts). I felt like I had to get into a relationship and have sex with someone before my ex did. I realized after some time that my healing would have to come from within me and not others. Once again, I would never judge you if dating is what you feel is right for you at this time. Just my two cents - hang in there.
Author NavyAirTraffic Posted October 24, 2012 Author Posted October 24, 2012 Navy...you and i are in the same boat...no pun intended. i'm out there dating again. however, my dumper is always on my mind. am i being fair to myself and my dates? dont know...thats why its called dating. like yourself i would rather force myself out there again and find that Alpha, confident male i can be ....than sit in an mope and dissect what the heck happened..and think about breaking NC. stay strong! Hello WTHH, I've been doing extensive work (link in my signature), I still think of her but she's been removed from the pedestal to an extent. Yes I want the "old her" back, but she is dead. My theory: I'm trying to regain "single me" the fun loving, care free, happy guy I was before her. I've gone places and did thing we did all the time. The experience was worse without her there, it was different. I'm not ready yet, but when I have sex with someone new it's also going to be different and quite possibly worse than with my ex. I have almost negative expectations. Ask yourself this, do you think sex with someone new will come close to comparing to the connection/love you and your ex once shared? I already have this in my head, I'm confident it'll be worse/less fulfilling than with my ex. However my ex is no longer an option, these new experiences are inevitable (I will at one point have sex/go on dates with someone new), either 6-12 months down the road or in 2 weeks. For most dumpees, they put their ex's on such a high pedestal that nobody will compare. Close your eyes for a second and think of your perfect girl; beautiful, unconditional love, smart, sexy, classy, aaaaaamazing in bed, yada yada. If she walked in your life would you ever consider your ex again? You'll never find her sitting on your couch passing on opportunities. 1
River Rain Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 For most dumpees, they put their ex's on such a high pedestal that nobody will compare. Close your eyes for a second and think of your perfect girl; beautiful, unconditional love, smart, sexy, classy, aaaaaamazing in bed, yada yada. If she walked in your life would you ever consider your ex again? You'll never find her sitting on your couch passing on opportunities. I made that mistake, but came to my senses a week or so later and kicked him clean off the pedestal. If I kept him up there, no guy I have met lately would compare to him and I'd never be able to move on. Plus, he's not really that great when I list his bad points. I just closed my eyes...yeah, the ex doesn't come close to the dream guy
Recommended Posts