Is it really over?

[michaelbui]

To get things on point so you can understand my story:

-I dated this girl for 9 months.

-We met each other back in october 20 and was gf/bf on november 23 2011.

-Very fast I know..

-Both virgins and took each others virginity

-We both knew it was lust at first without telling each other

-Then it become to really good friends to best friends into lovers

-And both fell in love and was both our real first love

-Broke up because she fell out of love with me in August 2012

-Found out there was another guy when I was on a trip

-On and off contact until Late September

-Tried to work things out for 3 weeks and things turned ugly

-Finally over.

-Is it really over?

 

I apologize if my story is long but, I am in need of the worlds advice. I feel terrible.

 

She was the first to pull the move. We were at a mall where she came talking to me first. She was with a friend and I was with a friend. At first i was creeped out and we talked for a little bit and then went our separate ways and dodged each other every time we see each other. That same night, with the information she gave me, I managed to find her on facebook. The reason why I tried to look her up was because I thought she was really cute. Not trying to be creepy but, it worked lol. Well I added her and she added me back and we started messaging each other what really happened in the mall and why she went up to me and stuff. Then we started to get to know each other, and started flirting. Both of us knew things were going fast but we both said it was okay because of the way we felt towards each other was a million butterflies or more in our stomachs every time we saw each other. We had so much in common, same style in tastes, music, food, anything. We were both virgos. We can be ourselves when we are around each other and don't have to pretend to be somebody who we aren't.

 

A little bit about her, she has eczema. She is honest, caring, quiet, intelligent, innocent-looking, and humble. She has very strict parents so it is sometimes hard for me to hang out with her.

 

We had a blast on our first date, we clicked just like that! and When November came, I planned out something special to make her my girlfriend. A month and 3 days of knowing each other. We both did talk about moving and taking things slow but, the feelings, the connections, and the bonds we had for each other was just so intense. She said yes! Best feeling in the world! We knew things were going so fast that even we lost our virginities to each other in december.

 

As the months go by, we got to know each other to the point where we know what makes each other happy and every detail about each other. We both loved everything about each other. We were best friends forever. Even when we get into fights, we can never stay mad at each other. We end up talking things out and fixing our problems. We even told each other that we can see each other marrying each other and having a future of our own. We both loved each other so much.

 

When she became my girlfriend, I took care of her when her eczema was bad, made her feel beautiful when she had braces, took care of her when her eye sight was bad, and more. Even though she had all these problems she complains about herself. I went through it all. I never did this with any other girl besides her. My feelings for her was just so rare, it doesn't compete to the other girls I have dated.

 

I remember one time she did tell me I won't be able to handle her b*tch side.

 

Now that her eczema went away, her braces came off, and stuff, she felt more confident about presenting herself. High heels and everything. She always dresses like a high class woman. She was always clingy to me, and i didn't mind it. I actually loved it in fact.

 

In the beginning of August, I went on a trip for 2 weeks with my best friend and his family to Miami, Florida. My girlfriend would call me every other night. We texted everyday though. She even cried one time that she misses me so much. I know, silly right? But it was okay, I was there on the phone comforting her that I will be home soon.

 

Now, she lies to her parents about every wednesday she has night classes because since her parents are so strict, this is how we can see each other. And every sunday we go to church with her family and hang out after as well. So we see each other about 2-3 times a week. That one wednesday I was in Miami, she went to go visit and old best friend that she hasn't talked to in a while.

 

I came back from Miami, and we were so excited to see each other. We went on a date and all of that stuff. Her old best friend's birthday party was next week. I told her not do do anything stupid because I know all his friends liked her. I trusted her to go. I couldn't go because I had work. She acted differently when I came back from Miami. She started defending her self like, why do you think im going to do something stupid? and then she will like roll her eyes at me or something like i didn't see her do it. But I trusted her so i let her go. The next day was a wednesday and we were suppose to see each other. She told me the night before that she had to go to some dinner thing with her family. I questioned my self because i knew her family "thinks" she has night class. So i knew she was lying. I didn't confront her right away because I wanted to find more proof. Her birthday was coming up and I planned something special for her to go to schillterbahn which is a water world park a week after her birthday. I got her parents permission and everything. I've been noticing shes been guarding her phone lately, so that day on her birthday, i went through her phone, and saw that she was texting this guy and flirting with him. I was so heart broken that whole day with her. I spent the that day with her knowing it was going to be the last. I broke up with her on text and confronted everything, and then called her and apologized that i did it on text and that we should do it in person. she didn't have the guts to come see me until another 3 weeks later. We finally did it in person. During that 3 weeks, we had on and off contact. Because i knew she was sick, and i was an ex-caring boyfriend. We had a talk and she was regretting everything she has done, and told me what really happened when i was in miami, that one wednesday she lied about going to a family dinner, and then she started telling me how she met that guy and compared him to me. To her, there was specs about him she loved and specs about me that she loved. He knew she had me as her boyfriend too in the beginning. But he tells her all these things because she started venting to him about me, about things whenever we fight and how to fix it. I dont know if he brained washed her or whatever. She told me she felt more of a friendship towards him and more of a relationship with me. And she told me the reason why all of this happen was because she fell out of love with me. She questioned her self when I was in miami, if she was IN love with me or loved me just for the company. Now this guy, is an straight A student, and ever since he heard the break up and stuff, he tried to tell her to fix things with me and stuff and that he will wait for her...

 

I know that she has done wrong, and I believe everybody deserves second chances. She wanted to disconnect me in her life, but she couldn't. So I told her after that no more and just whatever happens happens. No more contact what so ever. 3 days passed by, I've ignored every single call from her. She was completely dying to get in touch with me. until she finally said, "we need to talk." thats when i decided to talk to her.

 

We met up at my house because she didn't want to cry in public. We came to a conclusion on trying to work things out and this was in late september. We even had sex a couple times even though we weren't together. She told me she stopped talking to that guy and everything. But my guard was still high. I knew having sex was wrong too. Ever since we tried to work things out, things started becoming ugly. We acted so differently to each other, we talk to each other differently, and the mutual feeling between each other was like, we didn't feel wanted from each other. Even though we both wanted to work things out. And yes I have forgave her and willing to move on from the past, but she keeps telling me she hasn't forgiven herself.

 

I forgot to mention, after the 3 weeks, we finally saw each other, and we had the butterflies for each other and it was stronger than the first time we met each other.

 

We got into a big fight, and she came to my house and told me "its over", we are both b*tches when we need to be, and i told her "the door is over there" I also said when she was leaving, its funny how she is scared to lose a good friend (which is that guy) and how she isn't scared to lose a best friend. (which is me)

 

A week later, she comes over to return my stuff. we had a talk about us breaking up on bad terms.

 

That same day, i was at Barnes&Nobles studying. As i was leaving, she was in front of me leaving too. She was there as well that i didn't even know. When we left the building, I went left, and she went right. Then all of a sudden, she grabs my arm, and asked if we can talk. I still care and love her, but my love for her is fading to the point where I know i can move on but, it hurts me so bad. I decided to tell her to lets take a walk. We were talking and stuff on the side of the building where it had benches and music from the store lol. She started telling me how, she can never stay mad at me and all this stuff no matter what happens between us and how she just wants to be with me. Remember how I stated how she thought I couldn't handle it when she was on her b*tch side to me. well she was telling me one of the things she loves about me is that I am the only guy who can manhandle her and put her in place when she crosses the line and was telling me how I proved to her that i can handle her b*tch side. and all these other things. The music started playing all these love songs and stuff out of nowhere, and then we danced with each other. When we left, the music changed, (like it was some sort of sign) we both knew it was no contact after this. We both left each other in good terms knowing that we still might be best friends in the future. She gave me a kiss on the cheek. And we both went our separate ways.

 

The past couple days, I've saw her started talking to that same guy again.. I don't know if it is a rebound or what. So I deleted her from facebook, twitter, instagram, and everything because it hurts seeing it when im trying to move on.

 

Does first loves ever come back to each other? She said that im still her best friend. She even told me, she can't get the picture out of her head of us both marrying each other and having a future of our own.

I know we said it was finally over between us, but the week after. what was that?! what did that mean?!

 

So my question is, is it really over between us?

[dreamstate83]

yes it's really over. I hate to be frank about it, but you need to know it's true.

 

Let me tell you a little something about "second chances". These things don't happen immediately. If you force a second chance, you force a relapse of the relationship you had PLUS the resentment and confusion from the breakup. The only way you get a second chance is literally to forget about your relationship. Only when both parties have moved on COMPLETELY can a re-connection and successful second chance be found.

[michaelbui]

So that means, me giving a second chance wasn't really a second chance correct?

And thank you for this wonderful advice

[dreamstate83]

So that means, me giving a second chance wasn't really a second chance correct?

And thank you for this wonderful advice

 

In most cases, if you go for a second chance when there are still emotions from the breakup it just leads to disaster. In the few cases I know of personally where people got married after being apart, it happened a good year or more after the breakup.

 

I'm not saying it's always true - as everyone's situation is different (despite what they tell you), but it's a common formula from what I find. In the end, you can never contribute to a relationship if you can't first be 100% happy alone. How do you give someone your life when you only have 25% left to give?

[michaelbui]

I understand now. She told me while when we were working things out, im more arrogant-like. I guess its just because i have my guard up and didn't want to get hurt. I also told her she was treating me differently and not in a good way. i also forgot to mention in the story she couldn't tell me goodbye or that it was over that time we had a talk, but then thats when we got into a big fight right after. and thats when she told me fine its over.

[dreamstate83]

I understand now. She told me while when we were working things out, im more arrogant-like. I guess its just because i have my guard up and didn't want to get hurt. I also told her she was treating me differently and not in a good way. i also forgot to mention in the story she couldn't tell me goodbye or that it was over that time we had a talk, but then thats when we got into a big fight right after. and thats when she told me fine its over.

 

If you read my story in my signature, I was like you in this situation to a point. She said all the things that made it sound like she and I could work things out, but after enough time apart her statement changed from "If you and I never get back together, it will be 2 years before I go looking again. You were everything I wanted and treated me really well." to "You were bi-polar. One minute you were upset the next you were fine. I could never put myself in an abusive situation like that again". Her primary friend talks to me more than her these days, and she thinks my ex was crazy to let me go. But...she's already justified her choices.

 

When someone leaves confused and unsure, they will either justify their choice in an attempt to move on, or admit they made a mistake. It sounds to me like you and I are in the same boat. Let her fly man, nobody deserves a half relationship.

[michaelbui]

You're really helpful by the way, I feel so much better. I didn't expect a comment back until tomorrow or something. And yes I did read your story, i'm so sorry about your situation. I do have to say though, I just turned 21, and she just turned 19. People also been saying that the reason why this happened could be because, she's young. We both are young actually. Another reason they say, she was always cooped up in her house due to her strictly parents and ever since she met me. Her parents started to love me. I made her get to come out more often and that there made her have a chance to explore the world for the first time. They also said just like you said in the second comment, people break up and come back together in a different time period, but this time, its a stronger bond between them. Do you believe in that or do you think its a myth?

[dreamstate83]

You're really helpful by the way, I feel so much better. I didn't expect a comment back until tomorrow or something. And yes I did read your story, i'm so sorry about your situation. I do have to say though, I just turned 21, and she just turned 19. People also been saying that the reason why this happened could be because, she's young. We both are young actually. Another reason they say, she was always cooped up in her house due to her strictly parents and ever since she met me. Her parents started to love me. I made her get to come out more often and that there made her have a chance to explore the world for the first time. They also said just like you said in the second comment, people break up and come back together in a different time period, but this time, its a stronger bond between them. Do you believe in that or do you think its a myth?

 

I believe that anything is possible. A good friend of mine, we'll call her "Sarah", broke up with her boyfriend of 8 years. She believed that he wasn't what she wanted. She even told him to "get lost and don't talk to me". After about 2 years those two met again, and after being friends for about 4 months they got back together. They've been married ever since.

 

BUT, for every reconciliation story, there are more stories where it doesn't happen (especially at your age). I remember when I was 20. I was about to get married to someone and I walked away from that relationship. As much as I thought I was ready for a committed future with someone, I couldn't lie to myself. At that age, most people are still trying to figure out who they are, let alone figure out the kind of person they want to be with.

 

It's hard, I know. I've been there before. All you can do is be the better man. Statistics say that you will be in a couple more relationships before you finally find "the one". It's all a big learning experience, and when enough time passes you will realize that love isn't a magical potion only provided from a single source. One day you will love someone else and look back on yourself right now and say "I'm glad this happened. I learned a lot from it. Without that experience, I'd never have met this beautiful person I am with now.".

 

Best of luck to you, friend, and welcome to the LS family

[michaelbui]

Thank you so much for helping me out

 

And yes, ever since the breakup, I've learned so much from it. I am actually a better man today than I was when I was in the relationship. I am more independent now, self-motivated, and changing for the better. But it isn't because I am doing it for her, I am changing myself for me, of what I have learned from this whole experience

 

Thank you once again

[michaelbui]

I have one more question. If she tries to contact me, should I ignore it and still stick with NC? What if she keeps calling me like 4 times in a row or something?

[dreamstate83]

I have one more question. If she tries to contact me, should I ignore it and still stick with NC? What if she keeps calling me like 4 times in a row or something?

 

Unless she says "I made a mistake and want to work this out", ignore it. People often end relationships and have no intention of getting them back but still suffer from missing the companionship. Most contact is nothing more than "breadcrumbs" designed to retain companionship without commitment. This usually happens with weak individuals and is quite common behavior for many dumpers.

 

Never buy a boat that only "half" floats.

[michaelbui]

I thought I would ask you this because you have helped me a lot. And i really appreciate it so much!

 

This coming thursday will be a big car event. Im really into cars and stuff and also on a team. So of course ill be attending. I got my ex into cars and everything and she just attended to go there as well. She is friends with one of my friends(girl) and probably will be hanging around that friend. So its most likely im going to see her... I don't know how to react to this. Should I just be like, "you look nice" give her a hug and then tell her see you later? or like ignore her? I don't know what to do because we agreed to the NC rule... please help

[Chi townD]

If you see her, just go about your business. Don't make it a point to go out of your way to say "hi". If she aproaches you, just be nice and tactful. Keep your responses to one to two words. That should be enough.

 

However, if she brings this straight A douce rocket with her. Just avoid as much as possible. If she approaches you, be completely business like. She'll know that your upset and may ask you about it. But, she'll buy a clue and finally think about how her actions actually hurt others.