ImperfectionisBeauty Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 So I have been thinking about this and I doubt he would respond but I was thinking I could text him at some point, maybe around Christmas time or Thanksgiving? I always send out mass texts in my phone and he is still in my phone and I just want to contact him so much... I miss him. I honestly feel like I am never going to get over him I'm not going to meet anyone life him.. I just can't handle it. I NEED to talk to him, maybe he'll come back to me?
Calico Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 You will never get over him as long as you ask that question. The work starts with not asking yourself these kinds of questions. What work have you done on accepting the situation (what else can you do anyway?) and moving on? You NEED to talk to him as much as an alcoholic NEEDS a drink. With the same result if you give in. 1
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 You will never get over him as long as you ask that question. The work starts with not asking yourself these kinds of questions. What work have you done on accepting the situation (what else can you do anyway?) and moving on? You NEED to talk to him as much as an alcoholic NEEDS a drink. With the same result if you give in. I haven't talked to him in like 2 months but I don't know how to get over him
Calico Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Do you want to get over him? This looks like a rhetorical question, but it really isn't. Think a bit on it, it's pretty loaded.
geegirl Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 "I have been talking to my therapist about this a lot because my ex and I broke up in early Aug. It wasn't even a break up, more of a he dumped me, he just cut me off like no calls no answers no texts nothing I still have no explanation." He dumped you like yesterday's newspaper and you want to contact him? Please find your dignity and self-respect.
Sameold Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 and certainly don't wish him a "happy" christmas. How can you hope he is happy after treating you so bad. All you do by putting "happy" is devalue yourself in his eyes. 1
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 "I have been talking to my therapist about this a lot because my ex and I broke up in early Aug. It wasn't even a break up, more of a he dumped me, he just cut me off like no calls no answers no texts nothing I still have no explanation." He dumped you like yesterday's newspaper and you want to contact him? Please find your dignity and self-respect. Don't say that we cared about each other
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 Do you want to get over him? This looks like a rhetorical question, but it really isn't. Think a bit on it, it's pretty loaded. I do want to but if he took me back I wouldn't be mad
geegirl Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Don't say that we cared about each other Redefine your understanding of the word care. He dumped you with no consideration or empathy for how you would feel. Care has no place when someone treats you that way. Maybe he did then, but when it really mattered, he dumped you in such a cruel manner. Aim higher. 1
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted October 23, 2012 Author Posted October 23, 2012 Redefine your understanding of the word care. He dumped you with no consideration or empathy for how you would feel. Care has no place when someone treats you that way. Maybe he did then, but when it really mattered, he dumped you in such a cruel manner. Aim higher. I know I just don't understand what happened. I wish so much that he would take me back, I honestly would change and be whatever he wanted to just make him come back
geegirl Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 I know I just don't understand what happened. I wish so much that he would take me back, I honestly would change and be whatever he wanted to just make him come back Beauty, it's speaks highly of your self-esteem when you state you would change and be whatever he wanted to make him come back. When you do that, you then become an extension of him. You will twist yourself into a pretzel to get validation and approval from a man. You will be who he wants you to be because he defines your worth and value. The thing is, you should be who you are and someone should love you for all that you are rather than wanting to change you to fit their needs. You need to love yourself and seek someone that accepts you just the way you are. When you look to others to define who you are, you will never be able to offer anyone or yourself a healthy and meaningful relationship. 2
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted October 23, 2012 Author Posted October 23, 2012 Beauty, it's speaks highly of your self-esteem when you state you would change and be whatever he wanted to make him come back. When you do that, you then become an extension of him. You will twist yourself into a pretzel to get validation and approval from a man. You will be who he wants you to be because he defines your worth and value. The thing is, you should be who you are and someone should love you for all that you are rather than wanting to change you to fit their needs. You need to love yourself and seek someone that accepts you just the way you are. When you look to others to define who you are, you will never be able to offer anyone or yourself a healthy and meaningful relationship. I say that because when we first started dating I agreed with everything he said because I didn't want to disagree and make him dislike me or if I didn't agree I would just say "I don't really agree but I understand" and not elaborate because I didn't want to upset him and I think he caught onto it and he said once "we won't always agree it's ok I'm still going to like you". Well our first fight was over something really stupid, it was about the Jerry Sandusky case and how I didn't think Penn State deserved all of the sanctions and he got so mad at me when I disagreed with him like he was like you disgust me blah blah and he was so mad and I knew at that point I needed to never disagree with him again because he would dump me. I just don't feel comfortable disagreeing with a guy I'm dating because what if it makes him dislike me? I know that's really stupid sorry.
geegirl Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 he was so mad and I knew at that point I needed to never disagree with him again because he would dump me. I just don't feel comfortable disagreeing with a guy I'm dating because what if it makes him dislike me? I know that's really stupid sorry. That just speaks of him being an insecure man that cannot deal with a partner that can speak her mind. When he's insecure that way, he finds ways to control you to keep you in a position where you do not pose as a threat to his ego. He has a hold on you and keeps you where he wants you to be. And where he wants you to be is in a position where you shut up and agree. Subservient and meek, with no ability to have a say. That's not a relationship. A healthy partner engages in debate and accepts a difference in opinion without going drastic i.e disliking you or breaking up with you. In fact, he would be attracted to your intelligence and your ability to have and express an opinion.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 That's extremely stupid. You should want someone who respects you for having opinions, even if they disagree with them. You need to work on being more self-assured and assertive, because your self-esteem is awful. You basically said that you want to be a doormat for this guy. That sucks. 1
KatZee Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 That's extremely stupid. You should want someone who respects you for having opinions, even if they disagree with them. You need to work on being more self-assured and assertive, because your self-esteem is awful. You basically said that you want to be a doormat for this guy. That sucks. Seriously OP. Instead of focusing your time, effort, and energy on figuring out how to get him back, focus on how to get YOURSELF back. Men don't want to date women who have absolutely no opinion. Who can't contribute a thing. Who just roll over and agree with every word as if they don't have a brain in their skull. You would be everything and anything for him, just to have him back? Don't you want to learn who YOU are? And what YOU can bring to a relationship? What YOU can offer and provide? Instead of just fitting whatever mold the guy has for you? You really don't need to be in a relationship right now. Not with him, not with anybody. You need to work on yourself. Your self-esteem. You need to learn to love yourself. You need to work on becoming your own person, having your own thoughts, and ideas. With how you are now... you bring nothing to the table in a relationship. It's being a doormat, as Simon said. There are better guys out there, but until you really learn who you are, what you need, and what you deserve from a partner, you're going to stay stuck making the same mistakes.
Calico Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 In fact, he would be attracted to your intelligence and your ability to have and express an opinion. Hi! I'm a man, and I agree! Different guys have different preferences, and I certainly don't speak for all of them, but looking at my past relationships, I have to say that the most stimulating and most satisfying ones were those with women who acted like (and who were) equals. I want a woman who has a spine, who stands up to me, who is "woman enough" to disagree with me, who has an opinion and is willing and able to defend it intellectually (that means: no throwing things at me!). I may not always like that, but I definitely want it, because I want a partner. Not just a girlfriend, or a pet, or an accessory. I want an equal. A true partner. Perhaps my best relationship was a rather short one, which sounds like a contradiction, but our problem was geographical distance and circumstances not lending themselves for a viable way of bridging it. But anyway, she was an intelligent, witty, outspoken, cynical and sarcastic woman. We had endless debates (not arguments) about so many things and it was always enjoyable. Even our fights were remarkable, in part because they resulted in explosive passion and, uh, magnificent eruptions of affection afterwards! She was a wild cat, in every way of the meaning (except she was human, but I stray...), and we were real partners, facing life hand in hand. It was the only time when I had someone who I felt such a strong sense of equality with. We did have much in common, but neither of us was afraid of disagreeing, and in fact, we both welcomed the intellectual challenge when we did see things differently. It was the only relationship where I really felt that two individuals joined willingly together to form a greater whole without one of them losing themselves in the unity, where both stayed who they were and empowered one another. (This doesn't mean that there weren't times when one led and the other leaned on, but it was dynamic, not static.) Normally, people get a little intimidated by me (I don't know why -- I think I'm just intense and I really suck at hiding feelings, and I looove debates and philosophical disagreements, and intellectual poking, and being a smartass) and when people I care about get intimidated then that in turn makes me timid, too, and I worry about upsetting the person, and then it all just starts feeling contrived and no longer natural and effortless. That's when I get either doormat-y or annoyed, and that leads to the type of unhealthy disagreements or suffocating "sucking it up", both of which are tedious and not fun. So, the point ... well, I did have one, somewhere ... ah, yes! It was to second what Geegirl and KatZee said: Don't be afraid of healthy disagreements, don't be afraid of having an opinion. Many men do want an equal. Sure, it can sometimes be fun to have someone who always agrees, but honestly, it's hard to really respect a person who is like that. Above all, it's incredibly boring and forgettable, to a point where it feels like a waste of effort to even strike up a meaningful conversations because you know that all you'll get in return is "uh huh", "true", "mhm", "oh ...", "oh?"" ... and it's just so boring. So, be yourself! Speak up! Be interesting!
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