Am313 Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) Hello everyone, If you read my posts you can see that I've been having trouble getting over my ex. It goes back and forth, and inevitably contact makes it worse. I haven't begged or pleaded and have accepted the breakup from the start. But even the handful of texts I've sent (4) have been too much, especially finding out she is with someone else. The texts were simple sweet things, nothing more. I am holding on to hope, and that has made me feel ok. I may be holding on to it because gave me hope when she broke up. Once the hope starts fading I start feeling like I'm gonna lose it. But the biggest problem is that I'm still in love with her. Day by day I'm seeing and understanding how I contributed to the breakup and my own personal issues that need to change for future relationships. Even that gives me hope, because it makes me feel like I can fix half the problems by understanding what mine were. At the end of the day I don't want to breakdown. I've been fighting for two months and only this past week have I felt like I'm going to lose it and become a mess. For example, two days this week I haven't ate much. I've drank about 5 days in a row. I haven't slept well. I've cried two or three times and I haven't since we broke up. My ego is obviously bruised. I started reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy", and while some of the things he explains applied to how I acted at times during my relationship, the book doesn't really apply to me. I know I need to go NC, I can only say that I'll try. I've been in the gym, been playing sports, been with friends, and dove head first into work. I just want to not care about her anymore. I'd like to wake up and see her as nothing more than a stranger. That happened with my last ex (whom I was devastated over and let walk all over me after the break up), and I'd like to feel nothing for this one. Edited October 22, 2012 by Am313
Calico Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I know I need to go NC, I can only say that I'll try. That is not good enough. Of course you can never do more than try, but if you start (or haven't yet!) and already focus more on the trying than the doing, then you do not yet want to be done. Decide, very clearly, to want to get better and to be willing to do what it takes to get better. In the famous words of the green little bugger, "Do or do not... there is no try.”
River Rain Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Everything Calico said...and, the more you try to stuff down the hurt, the longer it takes to get over and it surfaces anyway over time. It's okay to feel sad and hurt because you suffered a loss, so let yourself have some time to cry and grieve. Holding on to hope is also kind of keeping yourself in that pain too, unless she's told you clearly that "if you do a, b and c, we will get back together"...then it's probably just false hope and you need to let go of it or you'll never be able to keep nc. 2
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 How to let go of hope? Do exactly what River said. One day, either tomorrow or 8 months down the road, you will grieve your loss. It is inevitable. Either you'll see her with another guy, find out she's dating, run into her and she'll be cold to you. When this event happens all hope dies and the crying/grieving begins. You can force that emotion now and it will speed up the process a bit. I still love my ex too, I want her back (the old her that loved me), I hate that she chose someone else. However I'm doing 1000% better than expected because I "chose" to let go. I wrote a small guide on how to grieve (link in signature). It won't work unless you're committed to moving on.
Calico Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 How to let go of hope? Go to your kitchen and get an apple or an orange. Now hold it tightly in your hand, wrap your fingers all around it firmly. Do you feel the strain in your hand, the wrist? Now, how do you let it go? (Actually do this and feel the physical sensation.) Now, how does one let go of hope? It's a good question, one that doesn't seem to have a really satisfying answer, even though everyone talks about it, and all the religions and spiritual schools mention it. It's a bit of a trick question, really, because trying to figure it out IS part of letting go. The question basically is the answer. But I'll tell you "my answer": What helped (and still does) me was to spend a lot of time dwelling on the concept that everything in life is impermanent, that nothing lasts and that everything always changes, and that the impermanence doesn't invalidate the beauty and the preciousness of the moment. The moment is the only reality you'll ever have, because the past is already done and the future is just something you fantasize about. So all your power is really in the moment, because there is no other time where you have any control. So the first step is to really "get" that, or seeing the glimpses of it. It's work, just reading this will not do the trick -- just like you won't build up muscles by looking at lifting weighs sitting on the floor. Then eventually that will lead you to the realization that you never actually know what will happen. That's pretty scary at first, because we all really desire safety, certainty, security. Ground under our feet. But life is groundless, and why does "not knowing" have to be scary? You could look at it as exciting. Like a box under the Christmas tree. What could be inside? Isn't that thrilling? And then when you get to that point, start trying to be deliberately curious and excited. Be playful about the potential of the future -- all that could happen! All the new people, the new opportunities, the new events! Some will suck, and you still can learn from them, but many will be fantastic. So, "not knowing" is like Christmas all year, every day! Isn't that so much better than dwelling in the dead, known, tedious past? Boring! The next moment is where it's at! It's like playing a game! There is so much fun in "not knowing"! And that is how you let go of hope. You don't know what will happen, and you don't need to. It'll be good no matter what, and it's exciting to see what every new day brings. Make it a game! You never know.
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