carolina Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 I'm not quite sure if I'm asking for advice or support or what exactly but here's my issue. I'm 30 now. I started dating him when I was 23 (seven years, my first true love). Two years ago right before my 29th birthday he broke up with me. I later found out he started dating a girl he met a month before he "officially" dumped me. Thanks dude for the overlap! That was the hardest part--not that he broke up, but he left me for someone else. The day he met her, I was supposed to be with him but I couldn't make it. That killed me the most b/c I was like IF I had been with him that day he would have never met her. Anyway, he dated her for 9 months. I was finally getting over him when he told me (I stupidly still kept in contact with him) it took dating her (she was my COMPLETE opposite!) to realize all the things he missed about me. He talked a good talk and we got back together last June (2003). He said he if we got back together it was b/c we were gonna work toward getting married. He was never interested in getting married in the past & he made that clear. I thought this was a whole new him & I was SO happy! We set a "deadline" of getting engaged by the end of 2003. Well, sure enough, he wasn't able to go thru with it. He said he had too much "doubt and apprehension. He said the last year was an emotional rollercoaster...going from me to her back to me...He said he had 'unresolved feeling--HE'S the one who left her, so I'm still trying to figure that one out! I'm like why would you leave her IF you were still in love with her! I still hung on for a few months hoping he'd realize he came back for a reason.............and I can't believe it's now almost August! Granted I was still talking to him fairly frequently---my bad. It's sooooooooo hard to move on. I'm 30 & I don't get how someone who said (and still says) you're loving, caring, wonderful..........can Not want to marry you. He says it "just doesn't feel right". How can he STILL say he has feeling for her if he left her?? I mean why leave if you were that into her, right? Was it just GUILT that he came back to me for another try? Being as old as I am you'd think I'd have some answers but I think b/c I started dating him so young (I consider 23 young) and b/c I've never had a relationship as serious as that prior to him, I guess I'm kinda CLUELESS. PLEASE GIVE SOME INPUT, ADVICE, or Whatever............b/c life without him SUCKS..now I'm almost 31 and have to start the dating game ALL over.
fellowes7892000 Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 hey - sorry to hear your troubles that this guy is causing. I really do hope it works out for you. But from a guys perspective, I'm going to have to offer my honest insight into this guys head. We guys really are "all the same" on some issues - as girls like to mention all the time. Don't worry, girls are too. But here'e my male perspective - i will be blunt so please don't take offense to anything i'm saying, just understand I'm trying to be very clear and honest - there's enough confusion in your situation as it is_ PRESSURE!! No guy will ever commit to an emotional deadline. it's how it is. full stop. put a deadline in front of us and tell us - "you need to have these emotions by this day" and we'll go out of our way to avoid it. Guys don't analyse our feelings the way girls do, we don't talk to each other about our feelings like girls do. it takes a gigantic slap in the face before we realise what we feel. that's why guys always take longer to say i love you. Please don't get me wrong - you deserve to be loved enough to be commited to for life. You've obviously shown that you care about his feelings enough, and you seem very nice so YES you do deserve to have someone for life. But no guy will ever commit his life unless he wants to. we are stubborn and we don't identify our feelings like girls do, and we use logic rather than emotion to make our decisions. neither way is better , just different. So right now what is going on in this guys head is "what if I get married to her and change my mind later?" logical answer - wait until you know for sure. "what if I'm confused and make the wrong decision?" logical answer - wait until you know for sure. Now, I have no idea what this means for you. I know you have had enough of a wait, and the frustration must be setting in. You can't be expected to wait forever, but if you truly love him, you will also be considerate of the decisions he has to make for himself. So the best thing you can do is communicate about the issue with him. Make it very clear that you are struggling to keep waiting, but you will wait if he asks you to. Make sure you make clear what's in your head, and make sure you encourage (but be careful not to force) what's in his head. If you guys don't speak very openly and honestly about this issue, you will probably just assume what he's thinking and in most cases this will be incorrect. you'll assume the worst, talk yourself out of loving him or waiting, and you may throw away your one chance. Don't EVER pressure him to make a decision. he'll back away if you do. guys would rather be alone, than have someone make our decisions for us. I know. Once you are satisfied that he knows explicitly exactly what you are thinking, how hard it is for you, and how genuinely you love him, then give him time and don't pressure him. Don't keep bringing it up, don't smother him in "i love you's", SHOW him your love and support, don't make it seem like you are pushing him. I hope this honest opinion on what's in his head help you decide what to do. I'm sorry if it isn't what you wanted to hear, and yes there is a chance I am wrong - I am male, and yes we make mistakes like females, we are all human - just remember we are different. good luck, i will pray that it works out dave
Author carolina Posted July 31, 2004 Author Posted July 31, 2004 Thanks for giving me a 'guys perspective!' I guess I gave him the deadline because I didn't want to be dating him again for six years. Now I reget doing it b/c it backfired in my face! Friends are like if he couldn't commit to getting married in December after all the years you've been together, what are the odds that he would have been ready months down the road. Oh well, guess I'll never know.
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