Pondress Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Hello, I really hope that someone will take the time to read what I know will be a very lengthy post. I have a lot to say and a lot to work out. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months now, and the last 2 months have been long distance. He's a year older than me and is a sophomore in college, but he lives at home and goes to school near his house. I'm a freshman and I just left home and am going to school in a new state, and will for 4 years if all goes as planned. I've only seen my boyfriend once in the last two months, for three days, last weekend. We have been fighting every single day since I left and we fought most days the month before I left, too. The first four months of our relationship were absolutely amazing. We were with each other every single day of the summer, were absolutely obsessed with each other. I lost track of time with him. He made me so happy. I really felt like he was the one. During these months, when I would think about my impending departure at the end of August, I would burst into tears. I could not even think about what was going to happen. I was so scared. I cried to him and begged him to stay with me when I left, and he said that he would. Three weeks before I left for school, I lost my virginity to him. It felt rushed and I don't think that I was ready for it. I guess I wanted to reach the point of good sex with him before I left, to establish an even deeper level of intimacy that we would be able to sustain through the distance. But, sex hurt for me. A lot. We did it at least 5 times in those 3 weeks, and it hurt every time. It never got better. He told me that he hoped that I didn't regret it. I started to avoid getting intimate with him because I didn't want it to lead to sex, and I started questioning if I even liked getting intimate with him. He noticed that my attitude towards sex changed and he, unintentionally, made me feel really guilty about it. He put the idea into my head that because I didn't want to have sex or do other things, that I didn't like him anymore. After we had sex, I had this thought. I thought "what if I don't really love him?" I looked up the definition of love online, I tried to define it, and tried to decide if I was feeling the right way. Ever since then, my emotions have been deteriorating and my comfort in this relationship has gone to zero. Three weeks after I started doubting intensely, I left. I thought "oh, when I leave I'll be able to decide if I really love him or not and if I don't it will be easier to end it." But, when I got to college, I found myself worrying about it and consuming myself with it even more than I had when I was at home with him. The lack of communication and physical connection made my doubts impossible to ignore or suppress. I've spiraled into depression. I can barely eat anymore and I'm losing a lot of weight because I feel nauseous every second of every day. I have thought about nothing except for this relationship. I haven't been invested in my new life, adjusting to a new home, making friends, joining clubs, I haven't even been going to class. I thought that if I didn't love him, it would become clear and we would grow apart when I left. Now I'm absolutely lost. All I want is to know that I love him and to know that our relationship can last forever. He means the world to me, but my doubts have taken over me and I cannot get rid of them. I read an old thread on this website about obsessional thinking, and I think that this may be what is happening to me. I have been feeding into my anxiety by constantly sitting around and trying to think my way through this relationship. When I went to see him, I thought that everything would become clear the moment that I saw his face again, but it wasn't. I felt so weird and disconnected when I reunited with him. I didn't feel butterflies when we kissed. I couldn't stop worrying almost the entire time that I was with him. There were a few instances where I was able to get out of my head and have a really amazing time with him, but then I would remember that I was having doubts and all of the anxiety and guilt would creep back in, ruining my time with him. I have discussed this all with him and he is aware of what I'm going through, but I still can't stop that feeling of guilt from taking over me. I don't want to waste his time and string him along if I can't give him true love, because he is amazing and deserves it. I don't want to keep him from finding the right person, but I can't let go. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's going on, if I should listen to my doubts and end the relationship, or if I should characterize them as obsessive thoughts and try to get rid of them. The anxiety and depression is really breaking me down and I have no idea what to do. I feel myself going into a very bad place. Help?
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