damnedifido Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I've been with my g/f for 10 years. We are unmarried and have no children. I was in my thirties when we met. When I met my g/f I was infatuated with someone I'd met a few months before. More important (perhaps), I hadn't been in a relationship for 10 years and had spent most of the previous 6 years battling anxiety and harbouring an (unrequited) crush on a friend. So, not the best platform to build on. To top it all, we were both very inexperienced. I knew from the off that there was no "thunderbolts and lightning" with my g/f (as there had been with the aforementioned crushes). I very nearly ended the relationship 1 month in but a close friend persuaded me to persevere as it would be "good for me" to practice sharing my life with someone else. My g/f and I then began to live in each other's pockets and she all but moved in - my place being far bigger than hers and free from others. As we learned more about each other we became closer and I grew to love her deeply. I was though always aware (and concerned) that this was more affection than chemistry. There were also situations in her life which made her particularly fragile and which made me care for her more. There's so much more I could write. Over the years the care and affection grew and the chemistry dwindled. At the same time the doubts grew - I think it speaks volumes that I could never bring myself to write the word "forever" in a Valentine card. Sex started fairly poor and grew worse. Also. I paid/pay for everything. Rent, Bills - I even give her an allowance! (I know this is relevant somehow). I earn much more than she does and always have. Four years ago, on the eve of her quitting her job to study, I cracked and said that I would stand by my g/f but that things had to change - there had been no physical relationship then for 2 years. Naturally, only weeks later I met someone - call them X - who took my breath away - heart racing, thunderbolts - the lot. I had to work a short time contract with X and we clicked immediately - in fact, I was present during her interview and when she got the job my heart leapt! But, I had made a commitment to my g/f and stood by it, despite my heart (or, you would probably argue, groin) always being elsewhere. Very little changed. 2 years ago I confided in a friend that my g/f and I were more best friends who lived together than we were lovers. I also told him about X who in reality I still had strong feelings for (and with whom I kept in touch with over Facebook and through friends). Then I made a (/another) dreadful mistake. I asked to work with X again and this time we became very close. So close that I confided in her about the state of my relationship - she asked why we weren't married. I knew she'd been through something similar herself - which ended in separation - and I needed to confide in someone who didn't know my g/f. I knew in my heart I'd totally fallen for her but, in my madness, I thought I could keep this feeling separate from any advice she was giving. Of course, this was impossible and I was simply drawn closer to her through her kindness. Anyway, she gave me the confidence to confront my g/f with the reality of our relationship - which I did - and my g/f and I agreed we needed to go to counselling. The counsellor decided (not surprisingly) that sex therapy would be the best route. In the second session I opened up (alone) to the therapist about X who said that the only way forward was for me to admit my feelings to X - if she didn't feel the same as I did then there was hope for my g/f and I. If X did, well... X claimed not to. Then X didn't speak to me for months and said I had deceived her and she could not longer trust me. In my (weak) defence, I never said I didn't love her - I just never admitted I did. (Though, I've never had chance to defend myself). Therapy was unsuccessful and probably doomed from the beginning. I was constantly aware of merely going through the motions and of not feeling the same as I had around X. Perhaps I was also conditioned not to make it work as this would have meant closing the door on a relationship with X forever. The present day. There's been no physical aspect to our relationship for 5 months. I'm working with X again(!) and we're civil but it's not the same (which kills me). Just over a month ago my g/f announced the bombshell that she thought we should get married and have children. She believes a lack of sex over the years is very common and my expectations are way too high. She thinks it would be "wrong" for us to break up just because we no longer have sex. We have so much else in common. Are my expectations too high? I know I'm not getting out of this relationship what I want/need (and haven't been for years). Equally, the thought of leaving someone I've lived with for 10 years+ (and who I just want to hug, but nothing more) breaks my heart. Then again, the chance of not being with someone (X) who lifts me physically and spiritually fills me with equal dread. All advice is very welcome.
beyond Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Oh dear!!! Firstly, take 'x' out of the picture for now. With or without her your relationship was going nowhere. You said that even before she came along you hadn't had sex with your gf for 2 years!!! As there is nothing wrong physically with either of you, this is just not normal or 'common' as your gf seems to think. A relationship without the sex and sparks is friendship - that's what you two have - a friendship. Please don't waste anymore time (yours or hers). Tell her you don't have those sorts of feelings for her and let her go find someone who can love her in everyway. As for you, don't stay out of guilt or friendship feelings. Life is very short and precious and you need to live it to the full. You seem to have spent a long time in relationships that you have somehow fallen into rather than actively choosing. Get out now, spend some time on your own working out what it is YOU want. xx
Author damnedifido Posted October 24, 2012 Author Posted October 24, 2012 Thank you for replying so quickly. In case it wasn't clear, it was no sex for 5 years before we began counselling. So, as you say, a friendship - best friends who live together. The problem is I'm just really confused. As you may have concluded she was my first and only (we were each others - very late to the game) and it's hard to know how much of my (lack of) feelings are merely driven by the fear of never knowing how it would be to be with (emotionally and physically) someone else (X acted as a catalyst, clearly). Is this simply the grass-is-always-greener syndrome? More crudely, is it just that I haven't had enough sex with other people?! (Surely this wouldn't matter if I truly loved (was in love with) my g/f?). She is the sweetest, most caring girl in the world and she is very emotionally dependent upon me - too dependent, maybe. Also, as I provide a very comfortable life for us - her life would change beyond recognition if/when we separate. To top things off, my folks think the world of her (and hint at us getting married and having kids after 10 years+). So, no pressure. We don't fight. We get on well. I know (and fear) there would be a massive, painful hole in my life when we split - we've lived in each other's pockets for 10 years! I'm just not turned on by her - even though she's beautiful, and counselling hasn't changed this. But, is that (sub-consciously) because I don't want my feelings to change as this would mean only ever being with one person forever? Equally, why would I (literally) dream of being with X if she was/is fulfilling my needs? I know I'm the only one who can decide. It's just very, very hard.
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