Azmirandasue Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 I am new to this site tonight and the reason being is I began dating a wonderful man this past February. I am a grown woman who thought I really had it together and could figure people out. We have had a great relationship, I had surgery the begining of June and who was there for me? My Guy. I need anything, there he is. He is over to my house almost nightly....kind, loving I could go on and on. The problem? I found out night before last that he is still married. My point I want to make is that some of us get tricked into dating married men. It wasn't anything I would ever do had I ever known....now the worst part is I am so in love with him and he belongs to another. It is morally wrong and I do not want to be a home wrecker but it is just so difficult after 6 months to toss everything away. I know I have no choice but this is positively the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life....... Thanks for listening..........I am just a wreck tonight. We are going out of town tomorrow night and I am going to end it then. I have a stomach ache just thinking about it and I can't quit crying. I just think it is so bizzare how someone can tell you they love you soooo much but then play with your heart in this way. Doesn't make sense to me.... Thanks, AZ
dudesomewhere Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 " just think it is so bizzare how someone can tell you they love you soooo much but then play with your heart in this way. Doesn't make sense to me...." cuz he does't love you. Wazzup. Players rule! They get and manipulate so many women. Man I'm jealous....nah I'm not. They are cool though aren't they? Don't playa hate
kiababy Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 I'm an other woman too, I can't say I was tricked, I knew within the first hour that he was married and didn't just have a 'girlfriend' as he first told me; however, I love him and I wish every day I had the guts to end it. Not because he treats me badly, but because this is the best relationship I've ever had in my life....and he is not mine. I've got pages of good-bye letters written to him, and I read them over and over but never have the courage to say it to him. I wish you all the best, please let us know how it goes.
Tweetie Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 Looking back, did you have clues that he was married but that you ignored at the time? Did he ever take you to his place, introduce you to friends and family, spend nights at your house, give you his home phone number? (Does he actually live with his wife?) Usually when single women date married men and never realize they are married, then they are just not looking very hard at who they are with. If you read this site, you know that many women are taken in by married men who neglect to mention their marital status. Sure, he'll tell you he loves you SOOO much, it costs him nothing to say that. His words are not nearly as important as his actions. So why are you waiting until you go out of town with him to break up? Now that he's told you the truth and you don't want to be the other woman and you know it is morally wrong, BREAK IT OFF NOW! If you're thinking that he might leave his wife for you, don't hold your breath because it's not likely to happen.
lioness Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 I just stopped being an OW... I knew, he knew... I'm not even finished with my divorce yet. But it was almost instantly like we were made for each other. Well, we broke it off. On Wednesday. And to make it even more difficult, we work together, and I have to face him on Monday. I haven't seen him since we decided it was over. I am aching for him tonight. And yes, Azmirandasue, we are talking physical pain here. I suppose it will stop hurting sometime. I really hope I can be strong next week. We are both hopelessly in love with each other, but I guess the timing is just all wrong, right? I hope that you can be strong on your trip with him. It might be easier if you can end it before you go out of town with him. I think if I were in that situation, my resolve would fly right out the window as soon as we left town, or as soon as we kissed hello, or as soon as he smiled at me. Good luck!
The_Analyzer Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 Walk away! I'm sure it will hurt because you love and care for him. However, I agree with dudesomewhere, you have been played. He knew what he was doing when got involved with you and was cool enough to keep the fact he was married on the low. He has disrespected you as well as his wife. Cut all ties. Good luck.
Author Azmirandasue Posted July 31, 2004 Author Posted July 31, 2004 Kia and Lioness will you please send me your email address so we can talk. I would really, really appreciate it. I thank everyone so much for their responses. It is very difficult though to just walk away. I too have given many of my girlfriends this same advice, held their hands while they are sobbing to me and couldn't understand how they could even entertain the thought of staying. Well, it is much harder than one thinks. We are just going down the road a bit to the hot air balloon races and the reason I am going with him is because the drive and sitting outside tonight will be perfect for talking this out. Since we will be in a public place it will keep me from having a nervous breakdown while talking (I hope). I am having anxiety attacks for the first time in my life since being told the news.......this has just been the most painful thing I have ever experiences. I did see clues and I basicly had a very strong idea that he was married, so it was expected for him to tell me. This is why I was pressing him for answers about why he didn't take me to his home, introduce me to his family, go on vacation with my boys and I..... I do have his home number and he does stay with me quite often, he lives in the basement of the house and his wife lives upstairs. They have had a "separated but living together" type relationship for 2 years. I know this is true because I actually talked with him and one of his relatives. They have 2 phone numbers one for him and one for her.........strange huh? I say if they are already living like that then he needs to leave her if he wants a relationship with me......pretty easy if that is what he wants if not then I guess I have a lot of healing ahead of me. Girls write me privately please.... [email protected] Thanks AzmirandaSue
Mr Spock Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 This is not my advice-I think it's Hokeys-tell this man you cannot continue to see him while he is married, and in his current situation. That after he is completely separated and divorced from his wife he may contact you. You won't wait for him, but if you're single you may allow him to try again. For now, it's best that you not see him anymore. I'm sorry that you had to find out something like that.
Kasey70 Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 Another thing you might want to think about too, is, reguardless of the problems he and his wife may be having, theres a reason for why he hasn't left. Not only that, but what makes you think that if you do end up with him, that he wont do the same to you that he has done to his wife. I'm not saying he will, but theres that possibilty. Hope all works out.
Author Azmirandasue Posted August 3, 2004 Author Posted August 3, 2004 I have thought about both of those things. I know the reason why he hasn't left. Sometimes marriage isn't as easy as just breaking off and getting a divorce. There are children, property, finances to consider. He lives in a house that has been in his family for generations. He bought this home and he has a mortage. Does he want to lose that? He has a 14 year old son that he adores and is very active in many ways with....does he want to lose that when in 4 years he will be a man? Will he do the same thing to me if and when we are a complete couple in the worlds eyes? Maybe, but there are no promises in the game of love if he is married or single. Who is to say what the future brings we do not know that. I live in the present. I do not worry about my future... There is no way that his wife doesn't know about me. There are many people in his life that do, I have also explained how much time he spends here. Why does she stay also? Money, security, convenience, their son................if I push him to leave then he will lose the house, have to pay child support, lose out on time with his son, does he deserve it for having an affair? Maybe, but the fact of the matter is I love this man and I know he loves me. What is the difference of a few years of dating? I don't know? I am still sorting through this nightmare myself and I still haven't arrived at the answer.
Mr Spock Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 What you have just told us (it's more like you're telling yourself) is a cop out. Houses can be sold. Lives are uprooted ALL THE TIME. What you've just done is gone from horrified to complacent. So what is it? I bet you five loveshack dollars the wife doesn't conciously know about you...and "divorce" doesn't mean "Stop paying your mortgage" anyways. Now you're allowing yourself to be played.
lioness Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 spock - go easy, eh? We all know it's not easy, right? "I'd really like to NOT become a serial husband f*cker here"
Author Azmirandasue Posted August 3, 2004 Author Posted August 3, 2004 Everyone has an opinion and you have a very bitter opinion life. Sometimes you have to look at the entire picture. How old are you? Have you raised a child to teenage years? Have you boughten or sold a home? Have you been totally broke? Why should WE ruin the lives of all of our children for the sake of our love? Maybe I am just totally unselfish did you think of that. I do not put my needs first. Does that make me a person that is being played? In your opinion yes but I think you are very young and inexperienced in many of lifes lessons or you have been totally burned.
Mr Spock Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 Originally posted by lioness spock - go easy, eh? We all know it's not easy, right? WTF?? Why would you quote that? I'm not being contradictory to anything I've said, I'm simply pointing out her change in tone here.....
lioness Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 It came across as being hard on azmirandasue. We are all in similar situations or we wouldn't be here talking about it. And we all go back and forth on how we feel about it. I am still sorting through this nightmare myself She's aware of her own confusion.
Mr Spock Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 Originally posted by Azmirandasue Everyone has an opinion and you have a very bitter opinion life. Sometimes you have to look at the entire picture. How old are you? Have you raised a child to teenage years? Have you boughten or sold a home? Have you been totally broke? Why should WE ruin the lives of all of our children for the sake of our love? Maybe I am just totally unselfish did you think of that. I do not put my needs first. Does that make me a person that is being played? In your opinion yes but I think you are very young and inexperienced in many of lifes lessons or you have been totally burned. First of all, YOU were the one who originally posted how horrified you were to be dating a MM. I'm not horrified at all by that. Now you're justifying him staying married for all the reasons you listed above. "He doesn't want to give up his home" Fine. But does he have to live there? If they're just waiting until the child is old enough, where the heck do you think the wife is going to go then? Why stay legally married at all? My point is that you are going to wait for FOUR YEARS to find out that this guy is playing you. If the marriage is so dead, a 14 year old boy isn't going to be that crushed by a divorce since he is already living in that reality. I think you're being totally selfish here. The man lives in the basement of the house his wife lives in. If this marriage is so over, moving to your house isn't a big step.
Mr Spock Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 PS-Don't justify your relationship on the grounds that the wife MUST know so it can't possibly hurt her. At least I can be honest when I say I know it will and I do it regardless.
morgana Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 it's so easy to say to just walk away from it and so difficult to actually do it. my relationship with my MM just ended yesterday, so i can relate so much to the hurt you're going through. he thought his marriage was over, and i still believe it is, or should be anyway. i had also written pages of letters ending it and almost did several times over the phone but each time i either didn't send them or chickened out telling him. why? because he is the best relationship i've ever had. he is everything i've ever looked for, and i'm not a kid. i tried so hard not to fall in love with him because he was married and still, i knew from the first time we were alone together that i was hopelessly in love with him. he told me i was the most important thing in his life and i do believe him. but he, like many others, is afraid to throw in the towel. i got divorced almost three years ago and it took me about 3 years before that to work up the courage to get myself out of that mess. it's not so easy to say that you've "failed." in many ways i respect my MM's decision to try but the emotional and physical stress it's caused me has been monumental. his wife knows about me and was/is still really angry, and i guess i don't blame her but she's the one who (supposedly) had been telling him for years that their marriage was over. i couldn't believe i was the OW either but he was so easy to fall in love with and it's been difficult to comprehend that it could be over. good luck with ending it, you've got more courage than i do. he told me he needs his "space" and i still can't accept it's over. while we all make choices sometimes who we fall in love with is very, very difficult to control!
Author Azmirandasue Posted August 3, 2004 Author Posted August 3, 2004 I am known for being very strong. I don't know where it comes from and I wish that I wasn't being tested so much in the past 5 years but I have been. The hardest part for me in this entire situation is that I wasn't even looking for a relationship. I had a bad day at work, they were trying to fire me and I needed to talk to someone. We met online and we had talked that evening and so I asked him if he would like to meet me for a drink. The minute I saw him I knew I was in trouble. He was looks wise everything I am attracted to and then it just grew from there. He has all that I am looking for to except he is married. I had surgery last month and he was the only person who took care of me, my own family didn't even visit me and we live in the same town. I keep thinking today that I am going to end it after this month. We have plans every weekend that includes couples and I refuse to go through the breakup and go to those functions alone and have to explain to my friends what happened. After this month then I can break it off and concentrate on my kids school year and the holidays and hopefully keep my mind occupied in some way so that I don't go insane. I do thank him for making me realize that I do want a relationship and I was spending too much time alone. Who knows like I said what the future brings and maybe he will get the courage up to get a divorce and we can see what happens. I told him that I already have made my decision but that I want to know what his future plans are as far as his marriage and we are going to discuss this sometime this week. I think that if he knows that I have already made my decision that maybe he will be able to answer me a little more honestly and not be afraid if he tell me he is going to stay married that I will leave just because of that. I still don't believe that he played me on purpose. He is very loving and very lonely in his marriage. I think he truely would like a life with me but he is afraid of the entire situation as far as ending the marriage and the consequences that go along with it, such as his relationship with his son. Morgana will you please write me an e-mail? I would like to talk to you privately if you don't mind. I would really appreciate it and anyone else who would like to talk privately feel free to write me, with the exception of Mr Spock because my life is full of enough negative issues right now and I need some understanding and would like to help others in my same situation. It sounds to me like Spock shouldn't even be posting on this board because I do not think that this person has walked in our shoes. Hugs, AZ
kiababy Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 She HAS walked in our shoes AZ - she went through a horrible experience with a MM around the time I first joined this forum. She has her own views on things of course, but she knows the pain of an OW - probably more than most of us.
Author Azmirandasue Posted August 3, 2004 Author Posted August 3, 2004 Well, I owe Spock a HUGE apology. I am extremely sorry. I thought with the name MR. that it was a man and I just jumped to conclusions. I am sorry. I realize that everyone is entitled to opinions and I probably can learn a great deal from her experiences but I have gotten a lot of negative feedback from the posts and I am being sensitive I guess. The truth hurts sometimes and she is probably being brutally honest with me. I hope that she accepts my apoology, I am not here to bash anyone at all....just having a really bad day. I am kind of freaking that I have decided to walk......
kiababy Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 That's O.K., how could you have known? I won't repeat her story here, that's up to her if she wants to share it, she's been trying to heal in the last couple of months - and doing a damn good job too from what I can tell. Yeah, the bashing SUCKS - it's emotionally draining, especially when you're having a bad day and just need a shoulder handy......I've become fed up of posting several times because of it and would only post privately to a few people in the same boat, or those that I thought could provide some insight. But I'm learning it benefits everyone when we share - all the good stuff and all the bad. I just wish the negative posters who keep jumping in with their: 'leave him!' 'just cut all communication!' or 'you're pathetic' posts, would go back to the main page and read the part where it says that the OW/OM forum is for "....those who find themselves in a relationship with a married...." and allow us the right to post freely!!!!!! So, what's going on today AZ?
Author Azmirandasue Posted August 3, 2004 Author Posted August 3, 2004 How can I private message? I do not see where that is allowed...... Today for some reason I have decided that I do not want to date Terry if he continues his marriage. I do not know where it came from, it is kind of a calm thought, but a nightmare when I think of actually doing it. Does that make any sense? Of course he is coming over tonight, like he does daily. The wierd part about our relationship like I have posted before is it is already almost like we are living together/married because he just goes home and changes out of his work clothes and then immediately comes here and then stays here until he goes home to go to sleep. That is why I don't understand his wife's stand on his lifestyle. I told him if he came waltzing into our home like he did this past weekend after being gone from Saturday morning when he left from work until Sunday morning at 11:00am I would bash his head in with a frying pan.....LOL! I tell you the entire thing is confusing the hell right out of me........ Thanks for talking, AZ
HoldOn Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 I still don't believe that he played me on purpose. He is very loving and very lonely in his marriage. Yeah, he "accidently" got married, then he forgot he was married for six months while he was dating you. Denial aint just a river in Egypt girl! He is responsible for ALL his actions. It was no accident. Your excuses not to break up with him are pretty lame. You can go to these "couple" events by yourself and it will be more dignified than going with a married man!
Mr Spock Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 I'm simply just trying to point out how you went from feeling terrible that he was married to making excuses for him. If you start making excuses you're going to get played. The facts are that if this man's marriage is that over, he should have no problems divorcing her. If you wait 4 years where is the wife going to live if he's not planning on selling the house? Unless he's got the $$ to buy her out. It smells like BS to me, and I can understand how hard it is to do the best thing for YOURSELF. Not his family, or him, or his wife, or your family. The reason I say this is because by making the excuses of house and children he gets to string you along for FOUR YEARS. Ask him if his wife knows.
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