ladyinwaiting1 Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Hi. I'm new to the forum and looking for a way to wrap my head around everything. BF and I have been in a relationship for 3 1/2 years. His dad passed away 3 1/2 months ago (end of July). For about 4 years, I'd helped him care for his dad, who had severe dementia. Ever since his dad passed, BF rarely calls unless he needs something. If I call him, he's kind of standoffish. I've seen him less than 5 times since the day before his dad passed. We were together ("together" together) the day before hospice said it was literally a matter of days before the end. (His dad passed 2 1/2 days later.) When we HAVE seen each other, it's been for just a brief few minutes, with the exception of him picking up his birthday present. He did stay around 30 minutes. He is friendly, but seems uncomfortable. On two occasions, he did call once to ask me to lunch (I had to work, so I couldn't go.) and another time to bring me a bag of meats to help me with my weight loss efforts. (He has been very supportive of that. I am low carb, so a bag of portioned steaks was a big deal to me. I told him so as well.) I did ask him if we would be able to hang out again soon. He said he would try harder. I told him that I would rather he say if he didn't want to. He said, "I'm just l-i-v-i-n' right now ..." (His exact words.) "... and spending my time working on the house." (He's doing a lot of work on his dad's room. His dad could not discern where the bathroom was, so the whole bedroom is being done over.) We'd made plans for NYE, but he's completely forgotten them. If I invite him over or to meet up for supper, I get evasive answers like, "It just depends on what's going on ." The evasiveness really frustrates me. So, I don't know what to do. I don't want to abandon him while he's going through a hard time. But, I don't want to wait if there is nothing to wait FOR. I feel I've been punched in the gut. I don't want to make this about me. But, in the same breath, I want to take care of me as well. Bringing me food to help me along with my weight loss was a very caring thing to do. He invited me to lunch the one time, but not again. (We normally split the bill because we're both not very well off financially. He offered to pay that time.) We've been going a week at a time between real phone calls. Those have all been initiated by me. Any advice would be most helpful. Thank you in advance. ETA: We are both in our 40s
january2011 Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Have you spoken to any of his friends and family? Is he keeping them at arm's length as well? Is he confiding in anyone at all? He may not want to burden you with his thoughts and feelings. He may feel overwhelmed and he really is just focusing on living. I know you need attention too, but I'd suggest very strongly that he needs a lot more love and care than you do right now. This is the stuff that tests relationships. Either you can stick it out with him, or you can't. He may not be able to give you much of a sign about where his head is at. I think that seeing him only 5 times since his dad passed does suggest that he has pulled very far away from you. I suggest you initiate more and arrange a time to talk to him. That is, you go over to his place. Make it easier for him rather than making him go to you. Tell him that you are concerned about him because you've not seen him much. If you can be there for him, no matter what, then you need to tell him. He may not be ready for a "what about us?" relationship talk. But perhaps you can get together more often and just be with each other. What about going over and helping him out with his dad's house? I also don't think that you can rely on him to do anything for NYE. By all means ask him, but be prepared for him to not feel up to it. 1
KatZee Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Well, I think it's about time for THE CONVERSATION. The one in which you're not beating around any bushes. Call him up. Ask him to meet you at your place, or if you can go over there. If he is "evasive" tell him that this is really important and it can't wait. Then when you've met up you say, "Ever since your father passed you've been extremely cold and detached from me. I understand that you're going through a rough time, I helped care for your father and he meant a lot to me as well. However since his passing almost 3 months ago, we don't see each other. We don't talk. We aren't the couple we used to be. If this is due to the passing of your father, please tell me. I would like to be there for you if you'll allow me. If this has nothing to do with your father, I feel we may need to part ways as you no longer seem to want to fulfill my needs as a partner." It's understandable that he's upset and withdrawn since his father's passing, but that does NOT give him the right to treat you poorly. You're already putting yourself out there and he's being completely unresponsive. You're a person as well, and I'm sure you're going through pain yourself. He needs to know how you feel. 2
Author ladyinwaiting1 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) I really want to have the conversation, but I'm truly afraid to push. I want a relationship with him. We are very compatible. He's told me as much. The past 4 years have been very hard years. We weren't able to go out that much because that would mean hiring a sitter. After paying for a sitter for his dad, that left little money for going out. I was content staying in. We had bonfires, hot tub time, one of us would sit with his dad while the other went for sushi take-out ... We made it work. Now, nothing. I completely get that he needs time. But, the little to no contact thing is killing me. With him going through this, wouldn't just dropping in on him be more invasive since he wants his alone time ? Oh, and I have offered to help with the house. He said, "Not right now." A lot of what he says lately implies future. ETA: I have not talked to his friends/family. While his dad was still living, BF's brother told me to "hang in there" and not push. Friends were telling me the same. Respecting his privacy, I have not contacted them. Edited October 22, 2012 by ladyinwaiting1
Author ladyinwaiting1 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 Forgot to ask: Do I limit contact, go no contact, or contact him as I normally would (even though he is very rarely initiating contact) ?
KatZee Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) I completely get that he needs time. But, the little to no contact thing is killing me. With him going through this, wouldn't just dropping in on him be more invasive since he wants his alone time ? Oh, and I have offered to help with the house. He said, "Not right now." A lot of what he says lately implies future. This is why the conversation needs to happen. I see a lot of "assumptions" going on here, and you know what they say about the word "Assume." It makes an "A.ss of U and Me" He does need time. But in times of need, especially with death, people tend to pull their loved ones CLOSER not farther away. Also, I think the other poster asked if he's isolating his friends and family too. Because if he's not doing it to them, and is just doing this to you... that says a lot as well, and it would have nothing to do with his father's death, rather it would have to do with a relationship he may no longer want to be in. And I never said just drop by, you have to basically TELL him you need to speak to him. Don't let him finagle his way out, or be evasive. Ask him to grab a quick bite for dinner, and then he can go about his evening. And saying, "not right now" doesn't really imply a future either. A few weeks prior to the split with my ex he was doing a lot of those "future implication" things as well, and it actually relieved me since I thought we were about to split. Turns out he didn't really place a lot of importance on things he said, and he broke up with me anyway. You can't be fearful of asking that your needs be met. If this relationship was on a path to engagement then this is something that you have to deal with. Lets say you were married. Would you accept this from your husband? Never seeing him? Never speaking to him? Basically not even acting like a couple? If you guys can't communicate through this, then this may not be the right relationship for you. A safe and secure relationship is one where there is no fear to ask for your needs and wants. It's to be able to get through problems together. It's not like this is a few days or a week old. It's about four months now. It's time. Edited October 22, 2012 by KatZee 1
Author ladyinwaiting1 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 :sigh: Don't know why it won't let me edit my response. I do not want to end it. I am just confused as to what to do. If he doesn't want a relationship, I don't want this to drag out. If he DOES, but can't right now, I don't want to screw that up either. I am very very confused. I do understand that he now has freedom, whereas he hasn't in the past 4 years. I know that's a HUGE deal. But, I don't want to be left by the wayside either. As I said, I am very very confused.
january2011 Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Based on your subsequent post, I agree with KatZee's script. Do talk to his friends and family first. But yes, you need to have that talk, sooner rather than later. If this drags on for another month or more, then I don't think you have much of a relationship left. I'm sorry to say.
Author ladyinwaiting1 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 Gotcha, KatZee. Thank you. I do know he is not going out with friends. He is flying out to see his brother though, as he does every year. He was debating on going, but decided last week to for sure go. It's his brother's birthday/Halloween party. He's not been in his hot tub since the night we were last in it (days before his dad passed).
Author ladyinwaiting1 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 OK. Thanks, january2011. I truly hope this isn't the end.
KatZee Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Gotcha, KatZee. Thank you. I do know he is not going out with friends. He is flying out to see his brother though, as he does every year. He was debating on going, but decided last week to for sure go. It's his brother's birthday/Halloween party. He's not been in his hot tub since the night we were last in it (days before his dad passed). So he can go to a Halloween party but he can barely have a meal with you? Conversation ASAP. You're important too. 1
geegirl Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I was about to go another route but when I read he is going to a Halloween party, I changed my thoughts. You're someone that spent four years of your life caring for his father. You're entitled to communication because not only did you put your life on hold for his father and for your boyfriend through all those years, you're now putting your life on hold for him, again. There comes a time when you have to prioritize yourself. It's not being selfish because you've more than accommodated his every need. You deserve to know the truth and get on with your life. I understand that people retreat when suffering with grief but if he can go to a party and interact with others in party atmosphere, then you need to have the talk.
Author ladyinwaiting1 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 It's an annual trip that he makes once every year. He has seen his brother only once since the funeral. He debated whether to go or not for a month. In the past, he didn't hesitate about going. I only mentioned it because he actually debated on it this time. His actually going is a non-issue to me because it is a tradition with him and his brother. I was more concerned about his not wanting to go at first.
KatZee Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 If he DOES, but can't right now, I don't want to screw that up either. I am very very confused. I do understand that he now has freedom, whereas he hasn't in the past 4 years. I know that's a HUGE deal. But, I don't want to be left by the wayside either. As I said, I am very very confused. Also, a relationship is composed of two people. Not one. It seems he dictates where the relationship goes. When you get to talk to him. When you get to see him. When you get to do anything. That is not a relationship. He doesn't get to just string you along, and decided that "oh well, right now I can't be in a real relationship, but maybe later I'll decide to pick it up again." You're not some item that goes up on a shelf for later use. He's either in a relationship with you or he's not. Right now, he's not. I don't think it's healthy that you feel you need to walk on eggshells around him. It's also not right that he expects you just stop your life and wait for him. I'm sure you'd love for things to be different, and if you have needs that aren't being met... to just hang around waiting... just seems a bit pointless. 1
KatZee Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 It's an annual trip that he makes once every year. He has seen his brother only once since the funeral. He debated whether to go or not for a month. In the past, he didn't hesitate about going. I only mentioned it because he actually debated on it this time. His actually going is a non-issue to me because it is a tradition with him and his brother. I was more concerned about his not wanting to go at first. Debating or not, he's chosen to go. He's still going to be in a party atmosphere. Mingling, doing whatever. I think if he DIDN'T go, this would give YOUR situation a bit more hope and credibility. He's now deciding to come out of his shell, and get back out there. Where have his phone calls to YOU been? "Hey, I know I've been distant... can I see you?"
Author ladyinwaiting1 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 I did tell him recently that I hoped things get back to normal between us after he gets back, thinking he needed that to kick start him again. He said, "Me too."
Author ladyinwaiting1 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 I see everyone's point. I will talk to him.
LostOne1 Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 You need to talk to him but be there for him. At the same time let him know you need him too. My grandma passed away about 1 and half months before my ex left me. She never took the time to realize I was having a tough time and not trying to ignore her. But instead she thought I was ignoring her and just misunderstood. And when I tried to explain myself she wouldn't listen. So it hurt a lot and in fact has made me hate her more. Because she didn't have the decensy to understand that my grandma passed away and I was still hurting and she was being more hurtful not understanding how I was feeling. I get she felt ignored, but you have to see what your bf is going through too. He has had a tragic experience occur and is hurt a lot. You need to be there for him, but also let him know he needs to be there for you too and that you want to help him too. Just make sure you 2 can understand each other clearly. I wish my ex had done that... but she didn't and she moved on so quickly rather than to sit down and talk and see what I was going through she assumed my actions were out of hate rather than out of pain and loss. 1
Author ladyinwaiting1 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) LostOne1: That is exactly what I want to do. What exactly do I need to say ? I really don't want to make demands if he truly can't be there emotionally for me right now, but wants to in the future ? How do you handle someone who is keeping you at arms' length but does something very thoughtful in the process ? I don't want to draw the line in the sand if what he's doing is what you were doing. I don't want to be like your ex-GF. Edited October 22, 2012 by ladyinwaiting1
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