Does anyone else feel like the older we get the harder it is to accept break ups?

[mammasita]

I'm not saying it wasn't hard in my 20's because it was.....well actually I can't truly say that it was that hard. Unfortuately, in my 20's I was always the dumper....and honestly, I hate that about myself. I didn't care about feelings, I just wanted to do what I wanted.

 

Now though, that Im older and "wiser" - It's extremely hard to accept a break up and move on. I suppose because I put 150% into trying to make things work and I get **** on. Being non-chalant seemed easier. I really wish that I had the knowledge then that I do now. I know, don't we all.

 

Are break ups harder as we get older?

[veggirl]

I can go either way on this. For me...

 

I've been through a couple serious Rs that ended, so I know I can survive and I know I will eventually be okay and get over it because I've done it before. That thought is kinda comforting, I guess.

 

On the other hand, as I've gotten older, my "people picker" has greatly improved. I won't be in an unhealthy R, so a good, healthy, nice R ending is really devastating. It was almost easier when there was something awful to look back on in past Rs to realize "yeah this is why it should have ended"

[KatZee]

Honestly, I feel like it's the opposite for me.

 

I'm in my late 20s now and I put 150% into my last relationship. This is why it's EASIER for me to move on. It's because I know from my end, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I did everything I could to make it work. To treat him the way I'd love to be treated.

 

It ended. I know there was nothing I could have done, so I don't have any "what if's" or "I should have" or "If only I could have..."

 

I tried my best. My best for him was not good enough. So f.uck him.

 

He wasn't even worthy of my 150% anyway.

 

"On to the next!" <--- this is my motto.

[ScienceGal]

I actually think its the opposite for me. Breakups happen and are a part of life. I accept them better now. It still hurts of course, but I can use a little more reason and a little less emotional fits and outbursts. Not to mention, the more emotionally burnt out I get, the less things happen that really surprise me. C'est la vie.

[River Rain]

For me too, it's the opposite. The older I get, the more I realize how quickly time flies, and I don't want to waste too much of it grieving over something I can't have. I tend to move on quicker and learn more from the experience.

[Leegh]

For me it's been harder as I have gotten older, I think in addition to breaking up with someone, there were other issues, such as aging parents, myself physically aging (not bouncing back as quickly), and other reasons like my interest in my job faded somewhat. I can't speak for everyone, but for me it's been harder as I aged. I have actually considered not going out anymore with men, because I always end up miserable, I'm not saying they are bad men, but maybe we just had personality differences.

[Liz2012]

Yes, harder when older for me. I would have not put up a fight ten years ago, no biological clock, less knowledge about how things need to be worked at, less knowledge on RS in general. Easier to move on. Last poster is right - pain is the same - or worse if the RS was longer term. The whole first relationship break up hurts the worst is absolute bull****.

[beyond]

It has plus and minus points.

 

I'm definetly wiser, so almost immediately I could analyse exactly what went wrong and realise it wasn't meant to be. Doesn't hurt any less but helps to know why and know it would never have worked for me.

 

I feel just as much pain but feel really 'silly' about showing that - I guess I feel I should 'know better'. My hairdresser was telling me a story last week that his neighbour (man in his 50's) has just broken up with young girlfriend and can be heard at night wailing through the walls!

 

I don't even feel the competition thing with younger women that Gibson mentioned. I'm one of these people who have grown into my looks and am much better looking now than in my younger days, combined with confidence and developed sense of style etc. I almost always get chatte up by younger men, which can be fun but not really what I'm looking for.

 

For me at 38, the big 'elephant' in the room is the baby question. Would love to have children, and yes, I know you don't need a husband etc, but I'm old fashioned enough to want it 'that' way.

[january2011]

I don't think break-up difficulty correlates with age. At least, not in my case. In every romantic relationship, I made emotional, temporal and sometimes financial investments. And each one hurt when it ended, though admittedly for different reasons.

[Simon Phoenix]

I can see it being harder. You get the visions of marriage, kids, yada yada yada in your head the older you get (or already are involved in such things) and it can be daunting to head back out there. Then again, I can see an older person having more of an even-keel perspective on it as well. Just depends.

[LostOne1]

well im only 25 turning 26 very soon. Yeah it can be a bit scary, I mean when I compare myself with my 3 yr relationship going down hill.. It's scary compared to being in another relationship when I was 21 and ending.

 

But then I felt okay because I was still young. 26 seems scary for me, because this is around the time I expected to be done school and settle in a new job. And by 28 I expected to be married. So it can be scary... but I guess being older also gives more experience and gives you a better way to choose a better person to have a relationship with that will last long.

[Calico]

Hmm, good question. In my 20s, I had different kinds of relationships, with different types of women. I think I was more "relaxed", more living in the "now" and making fewer plans, having fewer expectations, and a lot of time. I think I was more being "just myself", because there was less at stake, somehow, and really, I just enjoyed life. I also ended all of those relationships and was never dumped, which may be the reason why I remember them as far less painful (abandonment issues didn't surface).

 

In my 30s, I had fewer, but longer relationships, but my partners got younger (in my 20s, they were typically older than me) relatively to me, and that introduced a new set of "fears", which did affect how relaxed and laid back I was in those relationships. I worried more about things, tried to please more. This is, unfortunately, evidence for the whole "nice guy" issue right there, though my partners were partly more GIGS-y still, too.

 

I also wanted "more", focused a lot more intensely on the future, expected more substance, wanted to "settle" and no longer chase and hunt (in my 20s, it was more about the guzzling of magic and romance). That's when the tables turned and suddenly I found myself getting dumped. This triggered abandonment issues going back to my very early childhood (which I didn't realize at first) and it was extremely painful. Still is, really, though these days I'm actually quite curious and nosey about how that emotional pain opens you up and makes you very alive and awake, and how much potential for spiritual growth there is. It's much like falling in love, except it's more bitter-sweet.

 

Now I turned forty and I'm starting to see it like River Rain: There is less time to waste, and that's exactly what you do if you sit down and pity yourself for extended periods of time. I think it's fine to do that for a while, and I'm not looking for a new partner at the moment, but I do spend the time to befriend myself more, make lots of new friends in general and reclaim my life. So, there's activity. In my 30s, after a breakup some seven years ago, I would play dead for almost a year, abuse alcohol, and make it all so much worse. That's something I simply don't consider now because really, I refuse to waste a year or two on getting and remaining stuck. It's completely stupid.

 

But anyway, I don't think it depends on age. Rather, on what place you're at in your life, what kind of relationship you had, who you are, and the individual circumstances.