Noire Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Hello all I'm in my late 40's and have been involved with a married man for nearly 10 years. He is 9 years younger than me. We initially got involved due to a very strong physical attraction, but we now have very strong feelings for each other. I used to joke to him that I wouldn't let the affair go for longer than 10 years, never in my wildest dreams imagining that it would reach that milestone. I have now decided to end the affair in December, our 10 year anniversary. I have had enough and it has been going on for far too long. If he hasn't left his wife by now, he never will. I have told him but I don't think he really believes I mean it. It won't be easy, we have been a big part of each others lives for a long time and I adore him. We see each other a couple of times a week. I have tried to have other relationships during that time, but they have all been fairly short lived. I have always found myself comparing the other men to him, and they have always fallen short. They don't kiss like him, smell like him, they feel wrong, they just weren't him. I'm hopeful that once MM is out of my life, my bed and eventually my heart, I'll be able to establish a relationship with an available man. I'm worried though that I will still compare other men to him and will never be satisfied with anyone but him. No one has ever made me feel like he does, and i'm afraid that no one ever will. Is it possible to fall in love again after a long term affair or does the ever unattainable MM always get in the way?
skywriter Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Hello all I'm in my late 40's and have been involved with a married man for nearly 10 years. He is 9 years younger than me. We initially got involved due to a very strong physical attraction, but we now have very strong feelings for each other. I used to joke to him that I wouldn't let the affair go for longer than 10 years, never in my wildest dreams imagining that it would reach that milestone. I have now decided to end the affair in December, our 10 year anniversary. I have had enough and it has been going on for far too long. If he hasn't left his wife by now, he never will. I have told him but I don't think he really believes I mean it. It won't be easy, we have been a big part of each others lives for a long time and I adore him. We see each other a couple of times a week. I have tried to have other relationships during that time, but they have all been fairly short lived. I have always found myself comparing the other men to him, and they have always fallen short. They don't kiss like him, smell like him, they feel wrong, they just weren't him. I'm hopeful that once MM is out of my life, my bed and eventually my heart, I'll be able to establish a relationship with an available man. I'm worried though that I will still compare other men to him and will never be satisfied with anyone but him. No one has ever made me feel like he does, and i'm afraid that no one ever will. Is it possible to fall in love again after a long term affair or does the ever unattainable MM always get in the way? I sure hope so! I think , it's safe to say, the only way to find out, is to get out of the A. I wish you courage to get out of this web of deciet and disappointments. I kept the A going for two months shy of six yrs. I also told myself I wouldn't allow myself to see year number 6 come with myself being in the A. So I made the choice to end it.
Pierre Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) Is it possible to fall in love again after a long term affair or does the ever unattainable MM always get in the way? This is the deal: Affair love is more intense than non-affair love. When I say love I mean the change in brain chemistry associated with LOVE. The change in brain chemistry with affair love has a greater OCD component because you have built-in hurdles and you can never close the deal. In normal relationships the OCD component of LOVE generally fades once the romantic partner is available 24/7 and there are no hurdles. But, with affair love you always have hurdles, the deal is never completed. When you date in the open market the situation is so different that your brain responds in a different manner. The OCD and intensity is much less. Yes, you will have a lot of difficulty dating men in the open. Edited October 22, 2012 by Pierre 3
j'adore Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 This is the deal: Affair love is more intense than non-affair love. When I say love I mean the change in brain chemistry associated with LOVE. The change in brain chemistry with affair love has a greater OCD component because you have built-in hurdles and you can never close the deal. In normal relationships the OCD component of LOVE generally fades once the romantic partner is available 24/7 and there are no hurdles. But, with affair love you always have hurdles, the deal is never completed. When you date in the open market the situation is so different that your brain responds in a different manner. The OCD and intensity is much less. Yes, you will have a lot of difficulty dating men in the open. So where did that piece of information come from???? Like how do you know that???? this is like saying you will fall in love with anyone who is not available. I think the biggest hurdle she will overcome will be the fact that she has been with him for so long, he is part of her life, - perhaps start dating others is the only way. Choose a dating site that is not free to eliminate most of the perves. You will not fall i love whilever you still see MM I guess. but seeing others and building male friendships may lessen the pain. I tried this with some success as it gave me back my confidence but unfortunately I still love MM.
Pierre Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 So where did that piece of information come from???? Like how do you know that???? this is like saying you will fall in love with anyone who is not available. I did not say to fall in love with anyone that is not available. Please google Straw Man with regards to your debate skills. Also google the biochemistry of love and dopamine. Read all the works published by Helen Fisher. Love is an addiction. The addiction is strongest when we don't have access 24/7. There is a difference between been in love with someone that is available (no hurdles) versus someone that is not always available (hurdles). 3
Hawaii50 Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Please google Straw Man with regards to your debate skills. I did thank you. see it all the time, especially in this place.
seren Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 Noire, I would imagine it will be very hard for you to fall in love easily after loving someone for such a long time and maybe you will always have a part of you that still loves him, but of course you can fall in love again. I have never had an A, so cannot say if it any different from a non A relationship, but I have had long term relationships that have ended and it is possible to love again, you just have to give yourself time to heal and make yourself open to new and different relationships. Don't compare apples and oranges. I wish you the very best and there are lots of ex OW/OM here who know what is is to end an A and to begin again. They are great and will give you a lot of support and advice. Long term love in a non A relationship can be exciting and rewarding too. One small step and all that ... 1
Mount Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 Wow.....10 years.....:cool: How come even the affair last that long? Hello all I'm in my late 40's and have been involved with a married man for nearly 10 years. He is 9 years younger than me. We initially got involved due to a very strong physical attraction, but we now have very strong feelings for each other. I used to joke to him that I wouldn't let the affair go for longer than 10 years, never in my wildest dreams imagining that it would reach that milestone. I have now decided to end the affair in December, our 10 year anniversary. I have had enough and it has been going on for far too long. If he hasn't left his wife by now, he never will. I have told him but I don't think he really believes I mean it. It won't be easy, we have been a big part of each others lives for a long time and I adore him. We see each other a couple of times a week. I have tried to have other relationships during that time, but they have all been fairly short lived. I have always found myself comparing the other men to him, and they have always fallen short. They don't kiss like him, smell like him, they feel wrong, they just weren't him. I'm hopeful that once MM is out of my life, my bed and eventually my heart, I'll be able to establish a relationship with an available man. I'm worried though that I will still compare other men to him and will never be satisfied with anyone but him. No one has ever made me feel like he does, and i'm afraid that no one ever will. Is it possible to fall in love again after a long term affair or does the ever unattainable MM always get in the way?
Pierre Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 Wow.....10 years.....:cool: How come even the affair last that long? An affair can last forever in the absence of a d-day and a demanding OW that demands a divorce. OP sees her lover twice a week. That us 104 times a year. Multiply that times 10 years and you get 1040 days. That is less that three years! Compare that to a marriage of 10 years (365 x 10) = 3650 days. For OP the ten year affair is like a 2-3 year relationship in a marriage. Then add the fact that they never see each other farting, having bowel movements, or vomiting. They don't spend enough time together to get sick of each other. 4
Furious Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 An affair can last forever in the absence of a d-day and a demanding OW that demands a divorce. OP sees her lover twice a week. That us 104 times a year. Multiply that times 10 years and you get 1040 days. That is less that three years! Compare that to a marriage of 10 years (365 x 10) = 3650 days. For OP the ten year affair is like a 2-3 year relationship in a marriage. Then add the fact that they never see each other farting, having bowel movements, or vomiting. They don't spend enough time together to get sick of each other. My husband had a two year, long distance affair. I had him add up the actual time they spent together in those two years and it added up to just over one month. I can see how an affair can last years.
2sunny Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 Wow.....10 years.....:cool: How come even the affair last that long? Because SHE ALLOWED it to... 1
Pierre Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 My husband had a two year, long distance affair. I had him add up the actual time they spent together in those two years and it added up to just over one month. I can see how an affair can last years. Exactly!
2sure Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 It is completely possible. Absolutely. And if you want it to happen, it probably will. But like any other relationship it is going to take time to put behind you. Im sure you have been in love before, or at least thought you were at the time.... And then months or years after the relationship ends you look back and think sure, it was ok, but nothing to be heartbroken over. Its that time healing wounds thing. It must be very difficult to be the one to leave a relationship that you want but know you must leave. Hard to do that when you know the door is open. Honestly, if there is a way to shut that door - do it. Burn the Bridge. So that you KNOW you arent going back. Anyway, that isnt what you asked. After the time, and the realizations, you will become truly emotionally available - especially if you are happy with yourself. And then when you meet someone special - that is available ALL the time, with no restrictions or conflict and is free to just be special to YOU...you will say to yourself WTF? was I thinking, this is better.
Els Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 Oh, hon, 10 years?!?!? My heart breaks for you. Stop wasting time with this man!!! As for the unattainable component, I think that does apply a lot to human nature. Many of us experience it in a much milder form - the single man who already has women interested in him is generally more attractive than a similar man who has never had any woman desire him. Have you ever seen the 'Value of Stuff' graph joke? It pretty much shows that the value of anything is high before you get it, low when you have it, and high again when you lose it. Pretty exaggerated since it's a joke, but slightly applicable.
canuckprincess Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 I told myself that I wouldn't let it go past the 5 year mark, well that was almost 2 years ago. However on our 5 year anniversary I did tell him he was on borrow time lol. I think that was just my way of feeling in control of my love life. I just wasn't ready to end it, however I have dated others but wasn't interested in a sexual relationship with them oh and of course I compare all of them to my mm. I do however believe if the right man came around you would be able to fall in love with another.
Mount Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Interestingly, regular dating may not last that long between two single people. It seems that Affair continues for a fair long period of time because it is limited as Pierre mentioned? As the time together is hard to get? I am in my Affair 5 months now:confused::confused:, yes I did want to end it when it was just started back in summer, but as you can see it has not.
veryhappy Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Pierre, is a shared bowel movement the test for a marriage or the in thing to do? No wonder marriages lose their spark and the OW smells like a flower.
veryhappy Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 It's not a show, it's called privacy. Unless someone's sick and in need of help, everybody manages their own bodily functions alone. For people who are into sharing that, I'm sure it can work in an affair too. I'm sure some do it. 1
Pierre Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 It's not a show, it's called privacy. Unless someone's sick and in need of help, everybody manages their own bodily functions alone. For people who are into sharing that, I'm sure it can work in an affair too. I'm sure some do it. I never saw my exwife having a BM. I never heard a fart coming from her. I never fart in front of my wife or GF. 1
2sure Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 No, to the rest of the world I have no bodily functions. I would not consider a man who made me aware of his. I mean, why?
Author Noire Posted October 24, 2012 Author Posted October 24, 2012 Thanks for your replies. It was interesting to read your post Pierre regarding the time we have actually spent together, never having really added it up like that before. No wonder the spark is still there, being only three years in real time. As for bodily functions, MM has no shame and is not the least embarrassed. As for me, that's a different story! I am an intelligent, professional woman who is in control of every aspect of my life but this... I find the hold the relationship has over me difficult to explain and it bothers me that I have let myself be in this position for so long, when I have known all along that it would end in tears. Everyone has a blind spot i spose. As i sit here and write this my phone is ringing, I know its him and I get those butterfllies in my stomach but I am not answering it. I have tried to end it before but have always ended up going back for more. Is this some sort of masochistic trait that I never knew I had? For those who have gone through this, does counselling help?
mercy Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Yes, do therapy. Wouldn't you like to know why you waited ten years for this man? What were his reasons for staying? Do you have children?
j'adore Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 (edited) An affair can last forever in the absence of a d-day and a demanding OW that demands a divorce. OP sees her lover twice a week. That us 104 times a year. Multiply that times 10 years and you get 1040 days. That is less that three years! Compare that to a marriage of 10 years (365 x 10) = 3650 days. For OP the ten year affair is like a 2-3 year relationship in a marriage. Then add the fact that they never see each other farting, having bowel movements, or vomiting. They don't spend enough time together to get sick of each other. Pierre you look at love like you are Mr Spock, it is not that logical. I see my MM every day and we have had a d day, and the feelings we get are still the same since the beginning . In my experience of getting too much of someone,, talking about getting sick of each other, I really think my MM should take a holiday for a week with his wife ALONE to realise, instead of all the hangers on they have taken with them as a distraction from each other. But they never do, it would be unthinkable being alone together, so it can happen in marriage as well as in an affair. Edited October 24, 2012 by j'adore
Pierre Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Pierre you look at love like you are Mr Spock' date=' it is not that logical. I see my MM every day and we have had a d day, and the feelings we get are still the same since the beginning . In my experience of getting too much of someone,, talking about getting sick of each other, I really think my MM should take a holiday for a week with his wife ALONE to realise, instead of all the hangers on they have taken with them as a distraction from each other. But they never do, it would be unthinkable being alone together, so it can happen in marriage as well as in an affair.[/quote'] Love is not logical. However, affair love seems more intense than love in the open. That is why you and your lover are together. It is not so much the time or duration, but the uncertainties of affair love. The deal is never completed and this keeps the flames burning with much more intensity. There is little time to become complacent.
Author Noire Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 Yes, do therapy. Wouldn't you like to know why you waited ten years for this man? What were his reasons for staying? Do you have children? I was married for 20 years and have one child to my ex husband. The affair started around the time we split up but it didn't have any impact on the end of my marriage, it would have ended anyway. MM has to be the most ambivalent man I have ever met...he has spent a lot of time agonising over whether to leave and at different times has decided to do it but can't take that final step. I've never pushed him to do it, he has three children and his eldest daughter has special needs so he is needed at home. I understand that and would have felt very guilty if he had actually left. I have fallen pregnant twice during the affair, the last time with twins at the age of 46, but sadly I lost both pregnancies. I was devastated. I would have loved to have had a child by MM and would have gladly raised it alone. So i don't know that I have waited 10 years for him, I never really believed there would be a future, I hoped there would be but I'm not surprised that it will end with him still with his wife. I'm not niave about the statistics regarding affairs. He doesn't want the affair to end at all, and I'm worried that I will give in to him again. I find it extremely difficult to resist him. It will also be difficult if not impossible to go no contact, as we see each other fairly regularly in relation to our work. I'm trying to get a transfer to a different workplace so I will only see him rarely, but I don't know when or if that will happen.
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