Own Worst Enemy Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 i really need someone to make me feel better. but as they haven't invented brain transplants yet, and a broken heart doesn't qualify you for a heart transplant either, i'm begging you guys to help! sorry for length… so the back-story is that i met a guy online in about april last year. he is very self-centred, with narcissistic tendencies, very over-therapied, and a complete loner with intimacy and sex issues. he's had previous girlfriends, but is very inexperienced with women and relationships. i have a great job and loads of friends, but when it comes to men i have appallingly low self-esteem. so the co-dependency was set up from the outset, i guess. we dated for about 3 months before we had a big argument (he offended me by being utterly obsessive about not getting pregnant) and he ended it. he said things were too intense and he couldn't cope. however, he played the best friend card, and i took it. it's been very intense ever since, in every way but sex. by about march he had changed his tune to "there wasn't the right sexual chemistry but it's nothing to do with the way you look". by may it was "i love you, i haven't looked at another girl since i met you, but you don't care enough to lose enough weight for me." (to put it into context, i am 5'6" and about 160lbs - not denying i need to shift a bit, but hardly super-morbidly-obese! however, i was bigger when i met him, and so he feels i "misled" him). things then drifted on for the next 5 months with us spending at least 1 day a week together and emailing/texting all the time. for example, he recently had a week's holiday, as did i, but in different places. when i was deleting his emails on my return, my inbox told me he sent 425 emails in a week. we then had another drunken argument a couple of weeks ago, during which he let slip that he "had been giving me 2 years to lose weight for him". this was news to me, and i wasn't too pleased about it. still, we made up, and things drifted on for a while longer. the only unusual thing was that i had bought him a couple of silly presents from my holiday (which i bought because he had texted from his holiday to say he had bought me a necklace/bracelet) and he kept refusing to open them, saying that he was very sad at the moment, "couldn't feel the full range of emotions" and "wanted to open them when he could feel some shades of joy" (yes, he talks like this. no, i don't know why it doesn't put me off). and then on friday night he was texting me every 15 mins or so from a party when he disappeared from about 11pm. this is unprecedented, as he always tells me when he is home after a night out etc, so i smelled a giant decomposing rat. sure enough, he'd met a woman and taken her home. he said about 5 times that nothing happened; she was married; he didn't fancy her; he hoped i wasn't mad with him. and i believed him, but my instincts were telling me that this was a sign that he is going to want to do it next time with someone he DOES fancy. sat was back to normal; including a text that said "you are my best friend and a huge part of my life x". i saw him yesterday, and everything was absolutely fine, we had a really lovely time and he kept asking what i want for my birthday. we made plans to see his family the following weekend, and for my birthday in a month's time. then over dinner he suddenly went very quiet. eventually he said: · for the last few weeks he has been uncomfortable about this relationship but not being a couple · he is realising that he misses physical contact more than he thought - not just sex · he didn't want to hurt me, but i forced it out of him, so now i know the problem is my weight · he doesn't think i will ever face up to it and be slim enough for him to find attractive, however pretty my face is · even if i do, he thinks that my refusal to face my own issues and see a therapist are too frustrating · he is confused and doesn't know what to do - he doesn't want us to make a decision yet (er like even saying this ISN'T his decision!) · he thinks we should have a week's no-contact and then meet up at his family do next weekend to see if there is any clarity · if either of us changes our mind, we can cancel it · he thinks there might be some merit in a clean 6 month break and then meeting up to see what i look like and how he feels i have made it clear that there is no possibility of platonic friendship, partly because what we have will just disintegrate into bi-annual awkward pints, and partly because he has said the reason is my weight - so how can he expect me to watch him parade girls who are good enough because they are thin enough in front of me? so as far as i can see, he wants someone who is thin and self-absorbed and won't treat him as well. but it will be ok because she is thin. i know what i need to do, and what i should have done a long time ago. i am just feeling totally worthless, unattractive and stupid right now, and anything anyone can say would be very helpful. thank you!
mishy Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I am sorry, but i can't get past the issue that he thinks you should be losing weight. He sounds like a bit of a creep to be quite honest, and i feel liek you shoudl start dating other men and see what is out there and how nice men treat women. He sounds so ugh, horrible!
Minka333 Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 First off, im sorry to hear what you're going through... I hate to say this but he is just using your weight as an excuse.* He sounds very shallow and superficial. If he cannot accept your physique, how can you rely on him in facing even bigger issues? He may be attacking your self-esteem coz' he is conditioning you to believe you are unattractive so it will prevent you from meeting other men. Pls don't believe those lies. A man who is sincere with you will not let small flaws/imperfections deter him from proving his love. He should love you as a whole. Heart, body and soul. You deserve better...
Calico Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 400+ emails in one week? Hello, OCD! Well, the question is, what do you feel you lost? And what do you hope to gain if he took you back if you met his conditions (it's a list of demands, really)? Friendship will never work for you, you're right. The man sounds completely and totally unhealthy, and he would (and has) just drag you down with him. He's entitled to his physical preferences (I feel that physical attraction is part of the whole relationship package), but he's certainly not entitled to using that as a weapon, especially when he knows that it hurts you, or when the situation had never been different. It's pretty low behaviour. There is a difference between being honest and being a jerk. He either loves you the way you are or he doesn't. If you want to lose weight and it would make you feel better, do it. It's something you can change. But if you are fine with yourself and would only do it so that he "loves" you (is this really love?), then say "f.uck this" and walk away from it. You deserve much better than this. 1
mishy Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 these sorts of men can be very damaging to your self esteem if you stay around them for long enough. Luckily its only been a year and a half. I can speak from experience when i say, please leave this situation now, before your self esteem is so low, that you can't. And i agree with teh above poster that says that these men wear you down so that you dont feel confident to meet other men. get out of this now, he sounds very unattractive
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 he is using my own weak points as reasons not to be with me. who does that? the problem is that i am so blinded by the pain of losing him, that sickening awful terror of him finding someone who does tick his boxes, and the thought of never seeing him again, that i simply cannot think straight. rejection is the worst feeling in the world. how can this overtake logic and knowing that the guy is a f*cked-up douchebag?!
a.b Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Are you sure you miss him or you just miss being in a relationship?
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 because we weren't sleeping together i won't miss any physical intimacy. but i will miss the emails and texts and shared jokes and all the other stuff that goes with sharing your life with someone, it's like a massive agonising hole at the moment. and i will miss HIM terribly. in reality i know that it was all about him and i didn't get anywhere near as much from it, but it will be a long time before i can believe and feel that.
mammasita Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I didnt even want to read past this "he is very self-centred, with narcissistic tendencies, very over-therapied, and a complete loner with intimacy and sex issues" 1
mishy Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 he is using my own weak points as reasons not to be with me. who does that? the problem is that i am so blinded by the pain of losing him, that sickening awful terror of him finding someone who does tick his boxes, and the thought of never seeing him again, that i simply cannot think straight. rejection is the worst feeling in the world. how can this overtake logic and knowing that the guy is a f*cked-up douchebag?! think about , or even write a list of all the qualities that you would like a man. if this ideal man came along next week, next month, next year, and you knew he was going to be coming into your future..., would you even care about this guy?????
julia12 Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Hi own worst enemy, You were kind enough to reply to my post about a week ago - my then-boyfriend had dumped me a few months ago, blaming my OCD and it looks like he's now going out with someone a lot younger than me. You said that it sounded like I'd dodged a bullet, and that he sounded like a tool. Well, it does sound a lot like the guy you are in this situation with also sounds like a big tool, and that someone who picks on your "weak" points (which don't sound weak at all) is someone who would make you unhappy in the long run. I know what I am saying isn't exactly revelatory, and I'm still in agony with my situation frankly, but we deserve better. Right?! Julia
KatZee Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 he is using my own weak points as reasons not to be with me. who does that? the problem is that i am so blinded by the pain of losing him, that sickening awful terror of him finding someone who does tick his boxes, and the thought of never seeing him again, that i simply cannot think straight. rejection is the worst feeling in the world. how can this overtake logic and knowing that the guy is a f*cked-up douchebag?! My ex did this too. Not about physical appearance, but my attitude and behaviors. If he didn't like how I "acted" when I was out with his friends he would ice me out for days and then explode and be like, "Your behavior leaves a sick taste in my mouth, you need to change or else...." Meanwhile he never looked at how HE contributed to his actions. For example: I was extremely shy, self-conscious, and uncomfortable around his friends. I always had a deep pit in my stomach when I was ever around them. They all talked about me behind my back, made up lies, blatantly snubbed me in public, gave me dirty looks, sneered at me. (They hated me for one reason and one reason only. They were friends with my bf's ex before me, and held "loyalty" to her.) It was disgusting and I was always on eggshells around them. If I went to my bf and was like, "I feel bad" or "I'm not comfortable here, I've been out for a bit, I want to go home." or "So and so was just talking about me in my face... are you going to say something to her?" He would then flip it and tell me I was "weird" around everyone and that I was "anti-social" and that I wasn't "bending over backwards far enough to please his friends." and that "His friends were allowed to act the way they were because they had been around longer than me." <--- I can't even make those last two up. He actually SAID THAT TO ME. Like you, the pain of losing him was so strong that I compromised myself. I sacrificed myself to become "better" for him. I lost myself. I became what he wanted. I was walking on eggshells as to not set him off. I watched what I said, how I acted. It was complete emotional manipulation from him. He also would be like, "I don't think we should be together because my children will be baptised and you're a jew. Also, how are you 26 years old and still living with your parents? shouldn't you be moved out by now?" Can we just talk about how I WAS SAVING TO MOVE OUT. Meanwhile he has a credit score of about ZERO, he has no savings account, he's maxed out all his credit cards, STILL LIVES AT HOME WITH HIS PARENTS taking thousands of dollars of handouts from his father.... and he's going to come to me telling me what my flaws are?! I hate people like this. Everyone else is a problem. You're the problem. Your weights the problem. I'm the problem. My living situation is a problem, my attitude is a problem. These people NEVER take accountability for their own actions, they never look within themselves. They can do no wrong. They are always right. The only reason I snapped out of being so fearful of losing him is when I cut him off completely. He dumped me. That was the last day he ever saw me. We spoke twice after that, but for the most part, I was done, and I was gone. I cut him off, burned the bridges went completely NC. I blocked him, deleted him, threw out all of his s.hit. It took about 2 months for me to get rid of that addicted feeling and it's really when I started waking up to how f.ucked up he is, and how broken he is as an individual.
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 i think that nobody can move on until they accept that it is over. but it is that very acceptance that we fight so successfully to avoid and shy away from. and sometimes the dumper propagates that. mine certainly did. only when you've accepted it can you realise that they have behaved like disgusting human beings and that it is not you, it is them. 2 months sounds like a long time away right now, if it's 2 months of feeling like this - torturing myself with the idea of him being amazingly lovely to some other girl, and missing him so that it actually burns like fire. at least you got there, and got there in such style.
Calico Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 2 months sounds like a long time away right now, if it's 2 months of feeling like this What's the alternative? That's a nifty little question to ask yourself when you go down that "can't do that!" path. You see, this man and you will not work out. You know that. So the "best" (really: the worst) that could happen is that you patch up things, suffer for another year or two where he criticises you and tries to model you like a slab of clay, and then he dumps you and you STILL have to deal with the pain of abandonment and all that. So, really, the actual choice is not between "pain" and "no pain", but between "two months now" and "two months later, plus a lovely bonus of two YEARS of being frequently miserable". It may be longer than two months even, it's not gradual, but a rollercoaster (which means it will not always be torture), but that's not the point. The point is that the pain is not avoidable no matter what you do, so why not opt for the choice that sets you free now rather than later? You only have this one life. torturing myself with the idea of him being amazingly lovely to some other girl, and missing him so that it actually burns like fire. at least you got there, and got there in such style. It's a choice to think those thoughts. You can make a deliberate mental effort to let them gently go when they surface. Just say to yourself, "I have thought these same thoughts many times already. I don't have to think them right now again. Maybe later." There is no need to fight them, just let them be, and let them go. It takes practice and gentleness with yourself. Also, maybe you should not get stuck on unrealistic fantasies about how he is being amazingly lovely to another girl. Because realistically, he'll just send her 400+ mails a week, point out her flaws, try to change who she is to meet his needs, and try to suffocate her with his compulsive, obsessive behaviour. Who knows, he may even suggest facial surgery to her, all amazingly lovely, of course. People don't change over night. But that aside, shift your thoughts to from this: "... him being amazingly lovely to some other girl." To this: "Me not being with a thoughtless jerk who cares little for my feelings." Which of those thoughts feels better? Pick the one that does and run with it.
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 This sounds v v wise and correct when my friend tookmme out and got me pissed and I am happy. I hope it helps me at the 4am graveyard shift. I promise I will repay your kind thoughtful thoughts by trying my very best to believe it
Calico Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Oh, and let me be preachy here and point out that alcohol is the least thing you need right now! Yes, it makes you feel better for a little while and things will seem much more manageable, but alcohol is a depressant and it will drag you down. The price (the extra depression) is not worth the much shorter lasting reward (that "nothing really matters" sensation of relief). At least when you sober up again, remember that part of why you feel low is nothing more than a chemical effect and will pass again. Look at that extra depressing and feeling hopeless as something like a headache. That way you won't overrate it.
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 Don't worry it was only a couple of vodkas because we we were at a gig, not a major bender. The music and the small amount of drink will help me fall asleep on a positive note. Which is a relief after the last few nights of staring at my ceiling! I really agree with you that getting majorly sloshed won't help though. Stupid brains!
mishy Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I agree, i wouldnt even dare touch alcohol right now. Maybe one.
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 And she said, rubbish, you're getting drunk and dancing. And it worked. But if I'd been home alone or something quieter? Hell NO!
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